Are your dating standards too high or too low?

[cheerfulgreek]

Mine are also high. I think people who set their standards too low may have some sort of low self esteem.

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Mine are also high. I think people who set their standards too low may have some sort of low self esteem.

Note that this also works in the reverse - people with incredibly high standards often are doing this to "protect" themselves against rejection, awkwardness, or etc. so they don't have to actually talk to the opposite sex in any substantive fashion.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

Note that this also works in the reverse - people with incredibly high standards often are doing this to "protect" themselves against rejection, awkwardness, or etc. so they don't have to actually talk to the opposite sex in any substantive fashion.

What??? You totally lost me.

Please explain.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

What??? You totally lost me.

Please explain.

Many people have unrealistic standards so that they will never be met. When their standards are never met, they can justify their loneliness (anger, bitterness, etc.) based on "well...I guess my standards are high"/"there aren't any good men/women/"I keep to myself because no one's worth it."

It's often about a fear of rejection or compromise. You never allow yourself to compromise with someone who is worth it and you're afraid to be rejected if you do compromise.

[Dionysus]

I would say that my standards are average, but the people I attract are usually FAR below those standards. Maybe I should relocate, lol.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Many people have unrealistic standards so that they will never be met. When their standards are never met, they can justify their loneliness (anger, bitterness, etc.) based on "well...I guess my standards are high"/"there aren't any good men/women/"I keep to myself because no one's worth it."

It's often about a fear of rejection or compromise. You never allow yourself to compromise with someone who is worth it and you're afraid to be rejected if you do compromise.

o.k. I get it now, but what about for people like me. My standards have always been high, and it wasn't because I didn't wanna be met, it was because I didn't wanna be with just any random guy. I think everyone has their set standards for whatever reason it may be, but I think my reasons are realistic. I also don't like being alone, I mean who does? I would have to stay lonely if I kept going out with guys who couldn't meet my standards.

[cheerfulgreek]

lol lol at all the PBs. No I'm not the PB trolls. Nice try though. To the real PB. I was kidding when I changed your post. Geez.

I was totally confused trying to distinguish the difference between the real PB and the troll PB. The only difference between the two are the post numbers. lol

Oh, and the real PB is a hottie.


The PBs singing Kappa songs----------------------->

lol lol lol lol lol

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

o.k. I get it now, but what about for people like me. My standards have always been high, and it wasn't because I didn't wanna be met, it was because I didn't wanna be with just any random guy. I think everyone has their set standards for whatever reason it may be, but I think my reasons are realistic. I also don't like being alone, I mean who does? I would have to stay lonely if I kept going out with guys who couldn't meet my standards.

Cheerful...here is my question for you...

What are some of the standards that you have?

Out of the ones you you list what are the ones that most of the guys you have dated failed to achieve?

Can you see yourself adjusting those standards that you have?

What are your non negotiables?

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

Cheerful...here is my question for you...

What are some of the standards that you have?

Out of the ones you you list what are the ones that most of the guys you have dated failed to achieve?

Can you see yourself adjusting those standards that you have?

What are your non negotiables?

Daemon, I really don't have a lot of standards. I do think one of the most important decisions I can make in life is choosing the right partner. I think choosing the right partner will contribute to my future happiness. We only live once, and the last thing I want is to be with a guy I have no chemistry with. Most women I know are still looking, content with the guy they have, or they wish they had a better one. I want a guy who will commit to me for the long haul. A guy that's loyal, and values it. I want a guy who is more of a listener than a talker, a guy who has a great sense of humor, a guy with ambition, and no he doesn't have to be rich or anything like that, but I want him to achieve his goals no matter what they are,(as long as it's legal) because if he achieves his goals and enjoys what he does, then I think that can contribute happiness to the relationship. I mean, who wants to be with someone who hates his/her job, wakes up grumpy and goes to bed grumpy?

No guy is perfect and I know I can't have everything I want, but the most important things are a must have.

The last guy I was with, wasn't very honest with me. Honesty is very important to me. His dishonesty made me feel isolated from him and I started to grow further and further away emotionally and physically. Guys like that fall short. The other guys I just dated, but most of them, I wasn't physically attracted to.

I can adjust some of the standards I have, but not very many. I do think sometimes we have to adjust some of the standards we have, because if we didn't I think most of us if not all of us would be lonely.

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

o.k. I get it now, but what about for people like me. My standards have always been high, and it wasn't because I didn't wanna be met, it was because I didn't wanna be with just any random guy. I think everyone has their set standards for whatever reason it may be, but I think my reasons are realistic. I also don't like being alone, I mean who does? I would have to stay lonely if I kept going out with guys who couldn't meet my standards.

This is fine, for whatever that's worth - it's just that many many people who say this (and believe it) really aren't doing it for the right reasons; it's a defense mechanism, and part of the mechanism is buying into it wholeheartedly. So it's a fine edge to walk, but it's certainly possible.

Here's the thing with ridiculously high standards: do you use them as a "threshold" or as a measuring stick?

That is, it's clear most people don't meet the high standards in this thread - do they not meet these standards:

1. Right off the bat - that is, they are disqualified by some quality before you even start
2. After some time, experience or "getting to know you" period (like, after a few dates or interactions)?

The first is a threshold, and is generally a poor strategy - after all, we are all way worse at "reading people" or judging than we think. We overestimate our own abilities.

The second is a measuring stick, and if you're not willing to give people a chance and then measure their "true worth" against your values or expectations, you will likely be lonely for a long time. People will surprise you (for better or worse) if you give them a chance - if you don't, you're likely part of the group that uses high standards to hide low self esteem.

-RC
--I'm seriously the new Dr. Phil, except not fat and not a tautological douche

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

The second is a measuring stick, and if you're not willing to give people a chance and then measure their "true worth" against your values or expectations, you will likely be lonely for a long time. People will surprise you (for better or worse) if you give them a chance - if you don't, you're likely part of the group that uses high standards to hide low self esteem.

-RC
--I'm seriously the new Dr. Phil, except not fat and not a tautological douche

The second part is so true and let me add to that also...

How many times have we met someone that set the bar so high by being everything that we wanted?

If that relationship ends, we leave that bar up there for others to hurdle and wind up ruling out many who come close because we want them to strive higher than the last one and sometime expecting a person to exceed those values we set, winds up costing us too. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves if are we really looking for someone to do better than the last good one or to emulate and 'be' that last one.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

o.k. I get it now, but what about for people like me. My standards have always been high, and it wasn't because I didn't wanna be met, it was because I didn't wanna be with just any random guy. I think everyone has their set standards for whatever reason it may be, but I think my reasons are realistic. I also don't like being alone, I mean who does? I would have to stay lonely if I kept going out with guys who couldn't meet my standards.

Then my posts do not pertain to you because you may not intentionally or unintentionally be setting standards that are unrealistically high and can not be met.

Some people actually do like being alone, which isn't the same thing as being lonely.

[cheerfulgreek]

Wow there's so many posts I want to repsond to. All of you make so much sense, but when you say honest about what? I'm talking about everything. This isn't rocket science. It's very simple. I just don't like to be lied to. Who does? How could I trust a guy who lies to me? I wouldn't disqualify a guy right off the bat. Of course I would like to get to know him 1st but if I see issues that an ex had that I totally couldn't deal with then I would rather not get involved with that particular guy.

DSTCHAOS, I agree with you. Some people do set their standards so high, that no one can meet them. As I said earlier, I am willing to change some of my standards, but not all of them. If I were to say I'm not changing any of my standards, then I might as will forget it, and stay by myself. To me it's not worth it. I love companionship, but only with the right guy. Daemon mentioned what he wants and that's fine. He mentioned one child or less. For me, it's 0 children. I don't want a guy with children, but that's my personal preference. I like the simple things in life, and I like guys who enjoy doing some of the same things I do. That's chemistry. I'm really outgoing, so if I was with a guy who also talked a lot, then how could he be a good listener? I think it's all about preference. That's what it all boils down to if you really want to break the whole relationship thing down. I think people make it so much harder than it actually is.

KSig, you leave Dr. Phil alone! I like Dr. Phil.