living together before marriage: opinions?

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

You've jumped in several times saying what you don't like, not about the topic, but about the way the topic's being discussed.

Surely you haven't been reading this thread.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by nittanyalum

I see I'm going to have to change to a bulk order of these... http://www.signals.com/signals/Item_...1G_ps_srm.html

Yay, some people get it.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

Carry on.

Too silly.

[Glitter650]

Originally Posted by SECdomination

Same here.
I'm opposed to it, no matter the circumstances. I think the problem is that living together is really closely associated with premarital sex. In the minds of us conservatives, anyway...

And you can't have sex living apart ?


I live with my fiance, and it's been good, and has actually made my life a million times easier, not having to figure out how to make time to get over there, and get stuff done around my place etc.
It hasnt' taught me anything I didn't know about him, but it's helped us get started in establishing our routines and patterns. I would never consider living with someone with out the commitment of engagment however, that committment level was something I needed in order to make that leap.

[ISUKappa]

Cop-out answer: It all depends.

It depends on the couple, it depends on their individual personalities and beliefs and it depends on their relationship. Obviously, that is shown by the number of anecdotes given.

I did not technically live with the husband before we were married, but I also very rarely spent a night at my place. It was a mostly a place to store my stuff and spend a few hours a day getting ready for work or hanging out.

But the illusion of not living together was important to help respect the ideals of our families. Yes, I know, our lives, whatever, but that's what worked for us.

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by ThetaDancer

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but isn't that the polite thing to do? If you're not living with your significant other, then when they visit, you're having company over. Maybe it's just me, but I clean up for everyone...my friends, significant other, parents, etc., and I hardly think thats a sign of "obvious problems with the relationship."

Originally Posted by 33girl

There's a difference between having the place looking presentable, and having it so clean you could eat off the floor. I mean, I don't think a cup and saucer in the sink or an unmade bed is something you should feel you need to "hide" from a longtime boyfriend/girlfriend. Some people are neater than others, but if it's at the point where you're saying you don't want him to come over because the house isn't perfect, THAT means you have relationship problems.

I think you both got what I mean. I'm not suggesting you make no effort to keep the place tidy, I'm just saying that if you are afraid to have your serious boyfriend over because the place isn't tidy, yes, I think there's a problem there (assuming the place isn't scary). Some of you may have time to stay at home and clean a lot, and if you plan on being a stay-at-home wife/mom, maybe you won't ever have to have a messy house, but a significant other should be able to see your messy apartment every once in a while without judging you for it. Realistically, my place is probably never going to be spic-n-span every day, so I'd rather he see that when we're dating than hide it until we're married.

My place is always clean, but I have days where I don't have time to pick my shoes up off the floor or to fold the laundry. And I just can't imagine freaking out about that to the point where I'd tell my boyfriend he can't come over or shoving it all in a closet. That just wouldn't be me, and frankly, my boyfriend comes over so much that it's not exactly a special occasion the way it is when my married friends and family come over. He's the same way with his place.

[ThetaDancer]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

I think you both got what I mean. I'm not suggesting you make no effort to keep the place tidy, I'm just saying that if you are afraid to have your serious boyfriend over because the place isn't tidy, yes, I think there's a problem there (assuming the place isn't scary). Some of you may have time to stay at home and clean a lot, and if you plan on being a stay-at-home wife/mom, maybe you won't ever have to have a messy house, but a significant other should be able to see your messy apartment every once in a while without judging you for it. Realistically, my place is probably never going to be spic-n-span every day, so I'd rather he see that when we're dating than hide it until we're married.

My place is always clean, but I have days where I don't have time to pick my shoes up off the floor or to fold the laundry. And I just can't imagine freaking out about that to the point where I'd tell my boyfriend he can't come over or shoving it all in a closet. That just wouldn't be me, and frankly, my boyfriend comes over so much that it's not exactly a special occasion the way it is when my married friends and family come over. He's the same way with his place.

Yeah I get what you're saying now, and I think we agree. When I first read it, I thought you were essentially saying that by making an effort not to be sloppy, it indicated "obvious problems" with the relationship. My thinking was that, in the same way I want to always make an attempt to look my best, I want my place to always look its best. Of course I'm not going to freak out if my boyfriend sees me in sweatpants or my apartment isn't always clean, but if schedules/health/etc. permit, I'll always make an effort.

This thread has been really interesting to read so far and it has given me a lot to think about. In a very extreme example of this topic...one of my best friends just announced two days ago that she is buying a house with her boyfriend, whom she just met in May. It's honestly hard for me to be happy for her because I can't stop thinking about the likely mess she's getting herself into.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by ThetaDancer

In a very extreme example of this topic...one of my best friends just announced two days ago that she is buying a house with her boyfriend, whom she just met in May. It's honestly hard for me to be happy for her because I can't stop thinking about the likely mess she's getting herself into.

I know this is an opinion thread, but I don't think unmarried couples should buy homes together. There is a one in a million chance that they will end up getting married and it will work, but odds are that it will not and things will get nasty.

I had a friend from HS who dated a guy for a yr and a half, and he covinced her to buy and fix up a house with him, with the rationale that they "were just going to end up getting married and moving anyway." So she did it, and both of their names were on the title, loan, etc. He had just graduated from college and gotten his first job, so he figured he was just going to stay in Akron.

Well a much better job pops up in Vegas. My friend had just started working her dream job here, so she figured he wasn't taking it. Wrong. They argued about it for weeks. Finally, he told her that he loved her but that starting his career was more important and she could either move to Vegas, or stay there by herself and pay the mortgage. She refused, and he pouted around for a couple of days. One weekend, she woke up and he was gone, and she was left to pay for this house (that she never really like but only got because it was with him).

She had no recourse whatsover. She couldn't sue him for alimony or anything to help pay for it. She ended up having to ask her parents to help her.

[AGDee]

Yeah, I got messed up by us buying a house together before marriage too. He put the down payment down for it and I lived there and paid all the bills for it until we got married (about 10 months). I did all the "home improvements" on it too. When we got divorced, I got less equity because he had done the down payment. I also got the credit card debt which included carpet and linoleum for the house he was keeping! Yeah, I needed a better lawyer.

And, this is a slight hijack and kind of funny story about my ex and the splitting of household chores. I asked him which rooms he wanted to clean on a regular basis.. to split things up between us. He identified one of the bathrooms and our bedroom. That bathroom became "his" bathroom and I never ever used it. About 4 years after we got married, he told me that bathroom needed a new toilet. I asked why. He said "The one in there is brown." I suggested that he CLEAN it. Ewwwwwwwwwww.

[GeekyPenguin]

Originally Posted by Kevin

I agree with all of that.

Some people seem to think marriage is passé now, apparently. As passé as it is, however, the protections which come with it should still prove to be extremely relevant. For all the bullcrap that goes along with getting POAs written up, making sure wills are in order, owning everything in a corporate partnership, etc., marriage is a hell of a lot easier.

Also, if you're afraid of what happens in a divorce, see lawyers, get prenupital agreements written up. I very much believe in marriage for life, etc., (I'm old fashioned like that), but I still have a prenup, because sh%% happens.

I'm surprised you have a prenup only because most of my classmates think they are evil, even the ones who are planning on doing family law. I want to have one but the Conservinator is opposed (surprise!). I think he's trying to steal my assets.

That said, could we quit it with all the law talk, please? I pop on GC for a break from studying and what do I get? More law.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by SECdomination

Same here.
I'm opposed to it, no matter the circumstances. I think the problem is that living together is really closely associated with premarital sex. In the minds of us conservatives, anyway...

I think I should have posted that in a different way.
Living together? We agree on.
Premarital sex? Mistakes happen sometimes.

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by GeekyPenguin

I'm surprised you have a prenup only because most of my classmates think they are evil, even the ones who are planning on doing family law. I want to have one but the Conservinator is opposed (surprise!). I think he's trying to steal my assets.

That said, could we quit it with all the law talk, please? I pop on GC for a break from studying and what do I get? More law.

That bastard.

At this point, I believe that all of the stuff in my prenup would probably be considered separate property anyhow.

We conservatives are terrific at increasing our assets. All I can tell you to do is be careful. You're probably screwed anyhow. Good luck with finals.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by GeekyPenguin

I think he's trying to feel my assets.

Fixed that for you.

[fantASTic]

Here's an interesting article you all might be interested in:

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpag...56C0A9679C8B63

"Bible Belt Couples 'Put Asunder' More"

It's about how Christian couples [specifically those living in the Bible Belt] are 50% more likely to get divorced than those who are less religious. It also has a bit in on it about cohabilitation before marriage.

I'm linking this specifically because a lot of people say that living together before marriage causes divorce because of 'statistics', but correlation does NOT equal causation. If cohabilitation causes divorce, so does Jesus

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by fantASTic

I'm linking this specifically because a lot of people say that living together before marriage causes divorce because of 'statistics', but correlation does NOT equal causation.

Hon, we covered that 3 pages ago.