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Having to dress nicely for a chapter meeting is not stifling individual or intellectual growth, nor is it THAT big of a deal. That doesn't constitute your sisters expecting perfection. Personally I prefer comfort to heels many times but it takes all of ten minutes for me to put on a dress, some heels, and some mascara and head to chapter. Sitting in a dress for an hour doesn't hurt my feelings, and maybe I'm just not very understanding but there it is.
When I went through Recruitment, my mom, knowing that I am a very "individually minded" person (stubborn) told me straight out that if I joined a sorority I WOULD be told what to do or say at times, I WOULD be told what to do or say by people I did not like, and I WOULD have to follow rules whether I found them completely frivolous or not. Came to find out that though it chafed for the first semester or so I realized that compared to what my future job and family will require of me, a sorority is nothing.
There's a line, but the only thing I've found in your post that appears to cross it is the "sucking in" comment. Of course, it could be taken out of context...I'm not a naturally skinny person and I work hard to hit personal best, but if I wear clothes from 2 years ago when I was 110lbs and am presenting some major muffin top I'm going to expect a politely worded comment and want it...should a sister tell me I need to drop 10 I'll tell her wear to stuff her asshat attitude. Healthy and skinny are not always hand in hand and healthy is far more important.
Clothing shouldn't be who you are, though...if it is THAT important to your concept of yourself I suggest you re-evaluate.
I'm not supposed to wear letters anywhere there will definitely be alcohol-for instance, fraternity parties. Not a big deal. And someone asking me not to do keg stands doesn't hurt my feelings either. I can honestly say that had I not been in a sorority I would've been classic Catholic girl gone crackhead in six months flat. Because I was being watched my indiscretions ranged from minor to hilarious (in retrospect, of course). These things are expected in a sorority...it IS important to remember that when Suzy Slutbag does Franky Fratboy on the pool table they won't mention Suzy they'll mention "that XYZ". That goes for any group you're a part of including your future place of employment. That nice shiny law firm does not want Suzy Slutbag to plow her way through clients and top shelf booze at every turn because it reflects on them.
These things are all fairly reasonable and my advice personally is that if this is what is bothering you maybe you aren't cut out for Greek life. Not everyone is. And I do not say that with a holier-than-thou attitude because it simply means some people can't reconcile these sorts of rules with their personal beliefs and that's fine. To me it seems ridiculous as they are small things but at the same time I recognize why it might get some panties all knotted up. If it makes you that unhappy realize that this is only the beginning and though you might possibly miss a valuable lesson in how to handle future employers, for example, there are other places to learn those skills and it might be best to duck out now, gracefully, and remain friends with everyone instead of keeping it inside and blowing up at a frat party 2 months into your senior year because you can't take another minute. I really hope though you can get past this stuff because I understand the confusion at why these little things are so necessary...I also understand that for most, not all, but most, people this confusion slowly lessens as you grow in your organization.
Now IF sisters are being told they are too fat or IF they are being made to feel like they HAVE to attend fraternity parties and drink, that's a problem. Encouraging someone to be healthy is nice if done the right way. Encouraging them to be skinny whether or not that is healthy isn't ok. And pressuring people to drink, do drugs, have sex, etc. is pretty shitty too. Deciding whether to do any of those things should be up to a persons' own ideals. (Though disclaimer: drugs are always illegal, booze is illegal for minors, and sex sometimes includes steeds...). Encouraging ACTIVE participation in mixers is reasonable (though you shouldn't be expected to attend every single one), but not forcing you to attend random frat parties.
Basically I think my mom was right. You will be told what to do/wear/say from time to time and if that's a problem...take it into consideration (also taking into consideration that you WILL encounter this same dilema later in life). If it's the small things, try to stick it out if you can. If you're being made to feel like you HAVE to do things like drink or lose weight, maybe find an older sister that you trust and isn't participating in that sort of bullying and see what she thinks...if it's limited to one or two individuals maybe an officer could have a talk with them and ask them to tone it down. If that's a chapter issue, decide whether you want to stay and change it or whether to leave. Likely sitting there and doing nothing if it is THAT bothersome to you will make you feel worse. Do what's best for you in regards to staying or leaving but if you stay you need to remember most of the time it will NOT be about you.
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