The ramblings of a single woman... (TFKA ...crying pink and green tears...

[Ideal08]

Originally posted by emeralds4kh
I do know one thing ---after what I've just been thru and shared the story with some of my line sisters and can now vent on her about it ---- I am so glad I am an AKA, my circle is so much broader now --- so thanks Sorors who are reading this....

I feel you on this, Soror! ((((Soror emerald4kh))))

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by emeralds4kh
The men just aren't real anymore.
I would think with the whole HIV scare in the Af Am community that men would want to slow down/settle down too.
I just don't get it for real.

The truly said part is most African Americans are not scared--enough--of HIV and really choose not to settle down for anyone or anything... Especially in the 14-34 year old age group--and the higher number can be put up with some people...

Most people do not want a monagomous (sp?) relationship for whatever reason.

It takes a very different person to want that kind of situation.

However, I do highly suggest you get "marriage education" about the expectations of a maritial relationship. There are several websites, such as John Gottman at the Gottman Institute and Real Relationships for those persons that want a Christian viewpoint... There is also Smart Marriages...

I really think that you may have some fantastical ideas of what a man is and there is a lack of what is realistic about finding a man. It isn't about lowering your standards--it is more about how you will live upto your standards as they are... Because it is about how much you ante up into the relationship and how independent you are already before you start...

I think you probably are independantly minded. I am unsure about your monetary situation. But since you said you have gone through the "ringer" with a foul relationship, what have you learned so that you can move on? (Don't tell me, just ponder the idea...)

You can PM me if you need to... I can help you further with more information if you'd like...

[sphinxpoet]

All this doom and gloom is very depressing. I agree that men are slower to relationships but there has to be self assesments on both parts. Believe me if women won't accept it men will conform. If a majority of women got together and said we all want relationships or no love! Men would be in relationships. BTW most good men are the ones defered by a woman, the reason they are good men is because they have had to struggle for relationships with women so when they get one they treat them like queens. Unfortunatly these brothers do not look like Morris Chestnut and do not have Quincy Jones Bank Roll but if they had 10 dollars would probably give you 9.99 because the loved you. Is that not enough?

Sphinxpoet

[lil_sunshine]

I agree that the doom and gloom is very depressing, but I do feel the women's pain. I also feel that if a good man only had $10 and he gave me $9.99, that would be enough for me, b/c I know he would have given it from the heart. Does this answer your question?

[Ideal08]

Originally posted by sphinxpoet
BTW most good men are the ones defered by a woman, the reason they are good men is because they have had to struggle for relationships with women so when they get one they treat them like queens. Unfortunatly these brothers do not look like Morris Chestnut and do not have Quincy Jones Bank Roll but if they had 10 dollars would probably give you 9.99 because the loved you. Is that not enough?

Sphinxpoet

You're going to lose some of those millions and millions by assuming that we only want men who are rich and/or fine. Give us some credit, please.

ARGH! I get so sick and tired of the assumption being that women are looking for these oh so fine and oh so rich men and if we'd just look at the $10 brotha we wouldn't be complaining about not having a man. Who should dictate our standards for what we are looking for in a mate? It is such a double standard. Men created the standard of beauty for women and it's all over every single type of media. Men can pick and choose what they want their women to look like, how well she cooks, can she keep house, take care of the kids, and can she put it down in the bedroom and still be a lady outside. My goodness, the list goes on. But let a woman comment on Morris' fine self or a dude's nice car; then that means that we don't give the nice, ugly, broke men the time of day and it's our fault we are in this single predicament now. CROCK OF CRAP.

NEXT!

I don't like you anymore (until Saturday).

[RBL]

You know what?... awwwww never mind

[abaici]

Originally posted by RBL
You know what?... awwwww never mind

Don't bite your tongue...whatcha' gotta say???

Sorry, Sphinx. All women are not looking for Boris looks and Diddy pockets. I would venture to say that women are ALOT more open.

[sphinxpoet]

Originally posted by abaici
Don't bite your tongue...whatcha' gotta say???

Sorry, Sphinx. All women are not looking for Boris looks and Diddy pockets. I would venture to say that women are ALOT more open.

See! That is what ya need to say to men. Get off the superficial things that they creat to attract women cause quite honestly reading this thread your requests were not unreasonable but men think women only go for the superficial things. I agree men set a standard but my standard of a woman is a woman bonded in Christ, that is the most important thing to me and therefore I deflect negative forces away from me all the time. I need all men and women to do the same set a bar for yourself and then enforce it. Believe it or not a good woman in hard to find as well. THere are a lot of good woman on this board and what does not kill you will make you stronger and God is just preparing you for that perfect mate.

Sphinxpoet

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by sphinxpoet
See! That is what ya need to say to men. Get off the superficial things that they creat to attract women cause quite honestly reading this thread your requests were not unreasonable but men think women only go for the superficial things. I agree men set a standard but my standard of a woman is a woman bonded in Christ, that is the most important thing to me and therefore I deflect negative forces away from me all the time. I need all men and women to do the same set a bar for yourself and then enforce it. Believe it or not a good woman in hard to find as well. THere are a lot of good woman on this board and what does not kill you will make you stronger and God is just preparing you for that perfect mate.

Sphinxpoet

When I was younger, single and unmarried, I felt the same as many young single ladies do as reflected by their statements.

And I was also told by men that I wanted too many big ticket items--or I was too high maintenance, etc., etc., etc...

Older women would say to me to tell these fellas, "So what, yes, I am sadidity!!! Now what???"

IMHO, which I find ironic, that men just fall in love with what they see--or rather their perceptions of a woman... She must be fancy free and foot loose--but look good without breaking a nail--with her hair fierce and that blue suede Giovanni Versace suit...

Whereas, women fall in love with what they feel the man is doing or saying to them--the intuitive nature...

We could go on and on with the differences. But my main point is, yeah, it takes us ladies to look WELL to attract men... MEANING, we need to take care of ourselves, physically and mentally to attract any man...

And we know when some men are tryin' to run a game on us... What we need to do is be prayerful and spiritual that will lead in in the "best life path"...

And finally, the bruh that is tryin' to do more than make a $1 outta 15 cents, if he doesn't look homeless, has a decent steady job--where he doesn't get fired the next week--that requires a SSN and pays either his own rent or his own mortgage (not his mama's) on time, then the ladies need to give this bruh a chance...

And both of these folks must find common ground beyond sexual intercourse... Do you read similar books? Listen to similar music? Like to get outdoors and exercise, regardless of weather? Hang out in bars and try to be with the stars? Likes family related things? Whatever it is with your habits, does his coincide with yours?

I.e. since my husband and I work in related fields, we can talk about the ups and downs of our professions and keep each other on task... Since work consumes 80% of our lives, it works for us... It may not work for others... But at least we have broken one barrier of communication when we can think on the same page... And this concept was more important to Mr. AKA_Monet, than it was to me... In fact I barely realized the relevancy of this concept of communication--it goes for most men...

MEANING: Men love to talk about their work if they like what they do. If they don't like what they do, that is an instant flag--especially if they aren't doing anything to change their situation or working toward improvement of their situation... Then they are just complaining... And if they like what do as a job, then they make a living out of it--just the way men are built, I guess...

[abaici]

Originally posted by Rain Man
To make a long story short, do you really want a man, or do you want a living breathing fantasy?

I had a discussion yesterday with two married co-workers and a single co-worker. One of the married co-worker's stated that we are not married because we are too picky and looking for the perfect man. I laughed at her and said, "I stopped looking for the perfect man in my early 20s"

Seriously ladies, are we looking for perfection? I can say that I'm not. What's perfect to the world, may not "fit" my needs.

I know people clown you alot RM (I cram to understand the hair and game show obsession ), but, you roll with it. You'll find someone who digs the quirky person that you are.

[Ideal08]

Originally posted by abaici
Seriously ladies, are we looking for perfection? I can say that I'm not. What's perfect to the world, may not "fit" my needs.

Nope. The man that I believe to be my soulmate is the exception to almost all of my rules. He does not meet my height requirement, he can't dance (and that makes me so very sad, he can't even dance a little bit), he doesn't like to travel, he doesn't like to read, he's very introverted, he watches too much TV, he is not the best communicator . . . I could go on and on. But I love (and always have loved) his character. I love who he is and what he stands for. And most importantly, I love that he loves Yah. Funny how he is the man that I've compared all of the men I have dated to. Yet even he falls short of what would be my "perfect" man. At one time, his hair was longer than mine and I used to SWEAR that I would NEVER date a man whose hair was longer than mine. Yet another exception to my rule (and I had the nerve to think it was sexy, too). I remember in undergrad EVERYONE thought his roommate was so fine and people had SO many things to say about him - he used to have a small, benign "tumor" on his neck and people CLOWNED about that. I could have cared less. He has adenoid problems so people talked about how he breathed... I mean, all types of little inconsequential type of stuff. Who cares? When you find that person that you truly love and care for, all that makes not even the slightest difference.

So no, I'm not looking for perfection. I don't believe that perfection exists in human form, so to look for it would be futile.

[AKA_Monet]

Sorors, SF's and fellow GC'ers,

I have no idea where to post my past weekend occurrence, there are so many threads dealing with this issue alone... But I decided to post it with my Sorors because I need some insight... How would you handle it? Especially for my Single Sorors... Read below:

This past weekend, my husband and I spent some time with my husband's close friend. My husband's friend is a wonderfully, handsome 40-something man who works for a very powerful computer company and has the most excellent job, which pays him very well...

He was previously married when he lived in Texas, but found his way where we currently reside at least 10 years ago or so... He was married to a sistah... But since his nasty divorce, he's been playing the field up here. And he says he NEVER wants to get married again... Moreover, he has been dealt a heavy blow in his life with extreme tragedy by losing his mother (cancer) and his grandmother (who raised him, due to cardiovascular disease), within an 8-10 year timespan. And he has not transcended beyond his grief... This wonderful human being needs much healing that only an "insightful and spiritual" (and in my personal opinion that only a sistah) can bring...

However, the sistahs up here... All I can say, as a non-native--they need hep... They think that they are all THAT... But they got ISSUES--baby's mama's drama, NO "BENEFITS" and little aspirations beyond what they can get outta any man... Most sistahs who do have "energy", leave the state, quickly. Most sistahs that relocate here, live here a bit, then leave... This place seems like a "way station" of beautiful landscape to escape and breathe for a bit, but only for a brief period of time--not to dedicate your lifelong journey here...

Well, the time spent with my husband's friend was nice, however, brothaman--who is also a member of one of the D5 fraternities, has now decided to "cross the street" to find comfort with non-black women... He has found himself a very nice young lady, from up north (foreign) who has much to offer him... And she's attractive. Fits the "stereotype" of arm jewelry, but is tired of "riding" on her looks and uses her brain exquisitely... Only problem I have with her is that "they" have decided to maintain their relationship for the last year, by driving 2-4 hours every other weekend, to spend time with each other... And since he emphatically NEVER wants to get married again, due to his last situation, he said he's not ready for the whole "marriage" thing--but he's ready for kids...

He's hit his "biological clock"... But he wants his cake and eat it too... Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free--goes the old adage with this situation... And I doubt many sistahs will go for his mentality...

I find it saddening that such a "fairly" decent man with a few "bumps" on his road of life, has given up on himself and putting a woman (any woman) thru the kinda BS he's shovelling to her... And poor thing, she just takes it in stride--and she isn't that young--she's 35...

What's your opinion?

[starang21]

where are the good women at?

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by starang21
where are the good women at?

They are all hiding from you!

J/K

[starang21]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
They are all hiding from you!

J/K

lol.