lady_chem's Disappointing Recruitment

[lady_chem]

Hey GC,

I joined fairly recently after lurking for several weeks. I just finished sorority recruitment at my school, and I want to tell my story. My mom is anti-Greek and doesn't give any opinions other than, "You don't need that, you can do other stuff." Bid Day was today.

Background: I go to a small school. Until this summer, I was absolutely against becoming a Greek woman. I took an intense summer class, and my two favorite female sophomore counselors were both in ABC at my school. I thought, "Hey, they seem awesome, it can't be that bad." Plus, all of our sophomore counselors would talk about how different Greek life is here when compared to other schools. I have always felt like I never fit in, and I though that Greek life would encourage me to step out of my shell and get involved on campus. I don't think I would have tried if I were at a bigger school.

Our chapters are all quite new, being 15 years old or less.

Freshman year started up, and Recruitment with it. Each of our three sororities had a "pre-party" and I went to all of them. I kept an open mind, but I didn't feel any click whatsoever with one of them, which I'll call DEF. I felt very fond of XYZ because all the women were friendly and sweet.

When the formal part of Recruitment started, I still wasn't sure about joining, but once again I kept my mind open.

[lady_chem]

Our FMR is made up of 3 parties, one per week, and Bid Day is the day after Preference.

First Party: My party order was XYZ, ABC, and DEF.
First round: I talked to 5 women, including the President. I still had a high opinion of them from their pre-party and it didn't change. I enjoyed my time there, and I also liked the organization's values as a whole. The only thing that threw me off was that most of them seemed to be athletes and I'm not sports-like.
Second Round: I enjoyed the people I talked to, but didn't feel as much of a click. They have the highest average GPA of all Greek chapters at my school, and their academic support system intrigued me greatly.
Third Round: Once again, I felt no relationship forming between me and the members. This chapter is the newest one and numbers are still small.

Second Party (order: DEF, XYZ, ABC)
First Round: We played a board game with trivia questions related to the organization. I still felt no click with the two people at my table, but I did enjoy getting to know one of them.
Second Round: My conversations with them weren't as good as they were before. Once again I ended up speaking with the President, but I didn't feel as comfortable this time around. They video taped a skit, but it didn't appeal to me.
Third Round: I fell in love with ABC. Their skit was so creative and showed off the talent of the group. One of my counselors from the summer thing got to talk with me, and that was very nice. I ended up with the President of this group, and I liked her but didn't feel a strong click.

Second Party cemented my decision: I knew I wanted to be a Greek.

Preference Party (I was invited back to all three in the order ABC, XYZ, DEF):
First Round: I ended up talking with the President again for the whole time. I was disappointed because I felt I wanted to meet other sisters I could relate with better (there were plenty I had met before). The candle ceremony was so meaningful and beautiful. Unfortunately I was clumsy and knocked over my dessert cup and got Oreo crumbs on the table.
Second Round: Conversations were good, and I felt really comfortable. One of the women didn't seem too interested in talking to me.
Third Round: Conversation was better than in previous times. The Preference ceremony was so beautiful and involved both PNMs and Actives. I was preffed by both the woman I had slightly better conversation with the week before and the President. I still felt no click whatsoever.

I deliberated between ABC and XYZ for a while, and put DEF down as my third choice. I didn't want to snub them and based on the previous parties, I felt confident I would get a bid from one of the other two. I put ABC as my first choice because I knew I would fit in.

[lady_chem]

I was SO excited for Bid Day! The thought of it got me through the week. We weren't allowed to open our envelopes until everyone got them. I opened mine up to find a card for DEF. My first thought was a mix of sadness, hurt, and confusion. I wasn't sure what to think, I wanted one of the other two so badly! I didn't think it went bad at all at any of the parties.

We had maybe 30 girls at Bid Day, 4 of which are in DEF (that includes me). I know the numbers of DEF are smaller because they're newer, but I'm hurt that out of all that are in the other chapters, somehow I didn't make it. I never felt any sort of bond with DEF, but I just knew ABC would be the best match for me.

Perhaps I didn't make my interest clear enough. Maybe I shouldn't have put down DEF despite the fact that I didn't feel like I was meant for it.

After we opened our bids, we went with our group to hang out for the night. DEF doesn't have a house/suite/block of rooms, so we went to the house that one of the active's boyfriend is renting. Half an hour away. I felt so out of place the entire evening. I wanted to give them another chance, but I still didn't feel it whatsoever. I wanted to leave, but didn't because a) we were far from campus, and b) I didn't want to be rude. They were all so nice to me anyway, why should I be rude? I ended up leaving earlier with a group going back to deliver bids to athletes returning from competition.

I got to my room and started bawling. I'm not supposed to feel this awful on Bid Day! Everyone kept talking about how they just got this feeling they belonged, and how it felt like home. I don't have that feeling. I just feel dread and hurt.

I feel rejected. I've been rejected from various social situations my whole life, and I knew I found somewhere where I would belong and be accepted.

I called one of our Membership Recruitment Counselors (essentially our version of Rho Chi) to talk about my feelings. We're going to meet tomorrow to talk things over. I'm not sure what that will do, but at this point I'm not planning on staying with DEF. I just don't feel it.

The thing that bugs me most is that two girls in my MRC group would always complain and make fun of stuff ABC did at their parties, and would go on about how stupid and cheesy it was. I found it beautiful. They both are in ABC now. I want to be slightly infuriated.

There's my (really long) recruitment story. I needed to share it somewhere.

[PhiMuMagnolia]

Keep your chin up, girl. Everything happens for a reason; you were meant to get a bid to this house, regardless of whether you choose to stick with it or not. After the situation resolves itself (whenever and however it does), you'll be able to look back and say "oh, that's why!".

[DubaiSis]

So by the way, it took me about 4 seconds to figure out what school you go to, so I'd be careful what you say here. But please keep in mind that it takes time for a new chapter to establish itself on campus. As you said, they don't even have the housing they need yet to really be a part of the campus culture. IF you can give them a chance and can be part of the growth and establishment they need, you may have all those things you desire by the time you graduate.

Before you throw in the towel you might look into the plans they have for a dorm floor or a house or something. It might make a huge difference in your feeling part of something. Choosing to go to a boyfriend's apartment for a new member gathering was not a very smooth plan, but I'd make sure it was just one stupid mistake and not an ongoing way of handling things.

You do have to do what's going to make you happy, and it's too bad you weren't explained thoroughly enough the repercussions of what you put on your pref card, but please keep in mind that Greek membership is for a lifetime and it can be very fulfilling, even when you're in the small chapter on campus. Good luck!

[kddani]

Originally Posted by lady_chem

Hey GC,

I joined fairly recently after lurking for several weeks. I just finished sorority recruitment at my school, and I want to tell my story. My mom is anti-Greek and doesn't give any opinions other than, "You don't need that, you can do other stuff." Bid Day was today.

Background: I go to a small engineering school in the Midwest with less than 2000 students, roughly 20% of which are female. Until this summer, I was absolutely against becoming a Greek woman. I took an intense summer class, and my two favorite female sophomore counselors were both in ABC at my school. I thought, "Hey, they seem awesome, it can't be that bad." Plus, all of our sophomore counselors would talk about how different Greek life is here when compared to other schools. I have always felt like I never fit in, and I though that Greek life would encourage me to step out of my shell and get involved on campus. I don't think I would have tried if I were at a bigger school.

Our school has been co-ed for just over 10 years. Two of our sororities were formed in 1997 and the other became a chapter in 2007.

Freshman year started up, and Recruitment with it. Each of our three sororities had a "pre-party" and I went to all of them. I kept an open mind, but I didn't feel any click whatsoever with one of them, which I'll call DEF. I felt very fond of XYZ because all the women were friendly and sweet.

When the formal part of Recruitment started, I still wasn't sure about joining, but once again I kept my mind open.

Originally Posted by lady_chem

Our FMR is made up of 3 parties, one per week, and Bid Day is the day after Preference.

First Party: My party order was XYZ, ABC, and DEF.
First round: I talked to 5 women, including the President. I still had a high opinion of them from their pre-party and it didn't change. I enjoyed my time there, and I also liked the organization's values as a whole. The only thing that threw me off was that most of them seemed to be athletes and I'm not sports-like.
Second Round: I enjoyed the people I talked to, but didn't feel as much of a click. They have the highest average GPA of all Greek chapters at my school, and their academic support system intrigued me greatly.
Third Round: Once again, I felt no relationship forming between me and the members. This chapter is the newest one and numbers are still small.

Second Party (order: DEF, XYZ, ABC)
First Round: We played a board game with trivia questions related to the organization. I still felt no click with the two people at my table, but I did enjoy getting to know one of them.
Second Round: My conversations with them weren't as good as they were before. Once again I ended up speaking with the President, but I didn't feel as comfortable this time around. They video taped a skit, but it didn't appeal to me.
Third Round: I fell in love with ABC. Their skit was so creative and showed off the talent of the group. One of my counselors from the summer thing got to talk with me, and that was very nice. I ended up with the President of this group, and I liked her but didn't feel a strong click.

Second Party cemented my decision: I knew I wanted to be a Greek.

Preference Party (I was invited back to all three in the order ABC, XYZ, DEF):
First Round: I ended up talking with the President again for the whole time. I was disappointed because I felt I wanted to meet other sisters I could relate with better (there were plenty I had met before). The candle ceremony was so meaningful and beautiful. Unfortunately I was clumsy and knocked over my dessert cup and got Oreo crumbs on the table.
Second Round: Conversations were good, and I felt really comfortable. One of the women didn't seem too interested in talking to me.
Third Round: Conversation was better than in previous times. The Preference ceremony was so beautiful and involved both PNMs and Actives. I was preffed by both the woman I had slightly better conversation with the week before and the President. I still felt no click whatsoever.

I deliberated between ABC and XYZ for a while, and put DEF down as my third choice. I didn't want to snub them and based on the previous parties, I felt confident I would get a bid from one of the other two. I put ABC as my first choice because I knew I would fit in.

Originally Posted by lady_chem

I was SO excited for Bid Day! The thought of it got me through the week. We weren't allowed to open our envelopes until everyone got them. I opened mine up to find a card for DEF. My first thought was a mix of sadness, hurt, and confusion. I wasn't sure what to think, I wanted one of the other two so badly! I didn't think it went bad at all at any of the parties.

We had maybe 30 girls at Bid Day, 4 of which are in DEF (that includes me). I know the numbers of DEF are smaller because they're newer, but I'm hurt that out of all that are in the other chapters, somehow I didn't make it. I never felt any sort of bond with DEF, but I just knew ABC would be the best match for me.

Perhaps I didn't make my interest clear enough. Maybe I shouldn't have put down DEF despite the fact that I didn't feel like I was meant for it.

After we opened our bids, we went with our group to hang out for the night. DEF doesn't have a house/suite/block of rooms, so we went to the house that one of the active's boyfriend is renting. Half an hour away. I felt so out of place the entire evening. I wanted to give them another chance, but I still didn't feel it whatsoever. I wanted to leave, but didn't because a) we were far from campus, and b) I didn't want to be rude. They were all so nice to me anyway, why should I be rude? I ended up leaving earlier with a group going back to deliver bids to athletes returning from competition.

I got to my room and started bawling. I'm not supposed to feel this awful on Bid Day! Everyone kept talking about how they just got this feeling they belonged, and how it felt like home. I don't have that feeling. I just feel dread and hurt.

I feel rejected. I've been rejected from various social situations my whole life, and I knew I found somewhere where I would belong and be accepted.

I called one of our Membership Recruitment Counselors (essentially our version of Rho Chi) to talk about my feelings. We're going to meet tomorrow to talk things over. I'm not sure what that will do, but at this point I'm not planning on staying with DEF. I just don't feel it.

The thing that bugs me most is that two girls in my MRC group would always complain and make fun of stuff ABC did at their parties, and would go on about how stupid and cheesy it was. I found it beautiful. They both are in ABC now. I want to be slightly infuriated.

There's my (really long) recruitment story. I needed to share it somewhere.

QFP

[lady_chem]

DubaiSis = Thank you for reminding me about what I say, I do need to remember to take that into consideration. Perhaps waiting until the emotions had died down would have been better.

Please understand that I do not wish to discount these women, but I truly feel nothing in common with them. It doesn't matter to me that they don't have a house or designated living area, so to say. That's not what I'm looking for in a sisterhood.

[FSUZeta]

the vast majority of new members do not feel an instant connection with their chapter. that takes time. it takes more than a year for some girls.

i find it ironic that you state that you feel rejected and that you have had that happen before, but now you seem poised to reject the group that DID want you. This group did not reject you. please give them a chance.

[nittanygirl]

Originally Posted by lady_chem

The thing that bugs me most is that two girls in my MRC group would always complain and make fun of stuff ABC did at their parties, and would go on about how stupid and cheesy it was. I found it beautiful. They both are in ABC now. I want to be slightly infuriated.

This happened to me when I went through a structured informal the day we got our invites back. All of my top 4 chapters had dropped me and girls were complaining they got back my favorite. It's disheartening.

That being said, after other informal recruitment, I ended up accepting a bid to what was a chapter that had not impressed me (but that I hadn't disliked) through a COB situation. While I may not have felt a connection through the stress of visiting so many chapters, one on one, I love these girls now and loved them at their COB event, etc. I'm so happy I ended up where I did. Even though it's only been a few weeks, they have been some of the best of my college experience.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by lady_chem

I never felt any sort of bond with DEF, but I just knew ABC would be the best match for me.

OK, at such a small school/rush I can say this with authority. ABC was NOT the best match for you. You have to trust the girls at ABC on this one. Don't be angry with them or think you failed - in chapters/rushes this small it's not as though you fell through the cracks. It's not a matter of liking someone or not liking someone, it's a matter of who fits where. There are women who went through rush that I loved to death but I knew they would not fit into our chapter or be happy there.

Reading back over your posts, it honestly sounds like you had the most positive things to say about DEF, the ones who gave you a bid. Look back over these posts and pretend someone else wrote them, and then tell us what you think.

As far of the girls that made fun of the group where they are now, it's possible they were doing so as a self-defense mechanism - to cut their losses in case they didn't get a bid.

I'll say what I said before: from now on, ABC and XYZ do not exist. They have ceased to be. You have to quit saying "IF I would have gotten a bid to one of the other 2 groups, THEN I would have been happy." (FWIW, it's a pretty good plan to not say "If ___________, then I would have been happy" in general for life.)

[qbt1990]

Originally Posted by 33girl

OK, at such a small school/rush I can say this with authority. ABC was NOT the best match for you. You have to trust the girls at ABC on this one.

This is sooo true. ABC made your decision for you, and honestly, do you really want to be part of a group that didn't think you'd fit in with them?

[AnchorAlumna]

Please consider sticking with your group at least a couple more weeks. You're not eligible to pledge anywhere else for a year anyway. The first gathering or two can be awkward as you get to know each other. At least give it a chance.

[KSUViolet06]

Some advice:

I feel as though it is perpetuated that PNMs will instantly feel "warm fuzzies" about a chapter IMMEDIATELY when they accept a bid.

This is NOT the case for everyone.

As with ANY other relationship in life, you will not feel instantly bonded with like 100+ people right away. Heck, you may even question your decision a few times.

That's okay. You aren't going to immediately be in love with your 2nd or 3rd choice.

It takes TIME to "feel at home."

It doesn't always happen the MOMENT you accept your bid.

For some, it takes going to a few events and finding sisters that you have something in common with. Sometimes, it's meeting your Big sis. Sometimes, it takes getting initiated to feel "at home."

So don't panic should you find yourself not immediately smitten with the chapter you got a bid from.

For some, it takes getting to know people and finding out what the chapter is all about before they feel "at home." And there's nothing wrong with that.

Just like "feeling at home" with your new chapter takes time, it also TAKES EFFORT.

You likely are NOT going to become BFFs with every single girl in your chapter overnight.

You also are not going to bond with your new sorority sisters by just sitting back and expecting them to make all the effort to get to know you.

Just like other relationships, friendships within a sorority take time and effort.

You are not going to "feel at home" or "bond with anyone" by sitting back and sulking about being in your 2nd or 3rd choice.

If you really want to feel at home, you have to:

Get to know members
Attend events
Hang out
Have fun
Get involved.

So yes, you can be happy in your 2nd choice, it just takes time and effort on your part.

[Barbie's_Rush]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Some advice:

I feel as though it is perpetuated that PNMs will instantly feel "warm fuzzies" about a chapter IMMEDIATELY when they accept a bid.

This is NOT the case for everyone.

As with ANY other relationship in life, you will not feel instantly bonded with like 100+ people right away. Heck, you may even question your decision a few times.

That's okay. You aren't going to immediately be in love with your 2nd or 3rd choice.

It takes TIME to "feel at home."

It doesn't always happen the MOMENT you accept your bid.

For some, it takes going to a few events and finding sisters that you have something in common with. Sometimes, it's meeting your Big sis. Sometimes, it takes getting initiated to feel "at home."

So don't panic should you find yourself not immediately smitten with the chapter you got a bid from.

For some, it takes getting to know people and finding out what the chapter is all about before they feel "at home." And there's nothing wrong with that.

Just like "feeling at home" with your new chapter takes time, it also TAKES EFFORT.

You likely are NOT going to become BFFs with every single girl in your chapter overnight.

You also are not going to bond with your new sorority sisters by just sitting back and expecting them to make all the effort to get to know you.

Just like other relationships, friendships within a sorority take time and effort.

You are not going to "feel at home" or "bond with anyone" by sitting back and sulking about being in your 2nd or 3rd choice.

If you really want to feel at home, you have to:

Get to know members
Attend events
Hang out
Have fun
Get involved.

So yes, you can be happy in your 2nd choice, it just takes time and effort on your part.

This. At a school as small as yours, you simply are not going to be able to get another chance to be Greek. The women in the other organizations knew you weren't the best fit for them and nothing is going to change that. Take this opportunity to try and make a sincere effort to make it work with the group that did think enough of you to give you a bid. If it still doesn't work for you, you can walk away with a clear conscience knowing that you gave it your best shot.

By the way, we all do cheesy things as Greeks. It's not like we don't recognize them for what they are, but sometimes you have to embrace the corniness.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

Choosing to go to a boyfriend's apartment for a new member gathering was not a very smooth plan, but I'd make sure it was just one stupid mistake and not an ongoing way of handling things.

She said it was a house, NOT an apartment, and I'd hardly call it a "stupid mistake." As a matter of fact, it says a lot about the caliber of men that the chapter's women associate with that one of them was nice and kind enough to do that for his girlfriend's sorority. Would you have rather they went to a hotel room with an impersonal atmosphere and unnecessary expense?