What to tell a girl who didn't get a bid

It's the end of recruitment here and there are a few girls who wanted to join the sorority I'm in but are not going to be getting a bid. One in particular i know is very upset about this. My chapter has a little booklet about the sorority and how to join. I want to make a little insert that goes along with the booklet that's titled "If you didn't receive a bid" and nicely put the different reasons a girl doesn't get a bid. this is what i have so far:

"First of all, don’t be discouraged from sororities in general or from continuing to be friends with the members of the sorority. There are many reasons a sorority does not give out a bid. Perhaps not all of the members got the chance to know you, or felt as if your true self did not get the chance to shine through during recruitment. Many times a sorority elects to only take a specific amount of New Members a semester and has to make a hard decision. In these cases a girl should defiantly try again by coming to continuous open bidding events she is invited to and participating in recruitment the following semester. Sometimes, however, many members do not feel a perspective fits in well with the sorority and feels she would thrive in another sorority on campus."

Is there anything else i should add or any rewording to make it sound nicer so this girl doesn't go on a killing spree?

[PeppyGPhiB]

Ick. I'll ignore your spelling mistakes/word choices for now and address what i think is the real problem: this whole idea of publishing a booklet on "how to get in" and then rubbing it in girls' noses when they don't get a bid is tacky. I take it you're a local, because I can't imagine any NPC sorority would do something like this.

The last thing a woman wants to do when she finds out she didn't get a bid is read a list of reasons why, or accept any of the blame for not getting one, as if she's done something wrong not to gain the chapter's praise.

I suggest you drop the "how to join" tips (other than talking about recruitment in general terms) and the "If you didn't get a bid" section especially.

actually, the how to join section isn't about tips. it's about the process. for example step one is participating in recruitment, and step two is accepting a bid and getting your new member pin. and a lot of girls have found it helpful because at my school most girls don't come to college knowing everything about sororities and greek life in general. everything in the booklet is questions that we have been asked in the past and things on our website like the history of our chapter and what our philanthropies are. it's not like I'm telling the girls how to act and what shoes to wear. if you notice i said the booklet is about the sorority and how to join, not "how to get in."

and i don't plan on rubbing it in the face of girls who didn't get a bid. i'm going to give this "insert" to the members of my sorority in case this girl approaches one of them and asks why she didn't get a bid. and i'm sure she will because she already made a face book note about it. i don't want the members of the sorority put in an awkward spot in which they do not know what to say. my school is so small many girls see her at least once a day and have classes with her. almost all of the members of my sorority thought this was a good idea. this way they either know what to say to her or they can give this insert to her.

thanks for answering my question.

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by jessicaelaine

actually, the how to join section isn't about tips. it's about the process. for example step one is participating in recruitment, and step two is accepting a bid and getting your new member pin. and a lot of girls have found it helpful because at my school most girls don't come to college knowing everything about sororities and greek life in general. everything in the booklet is questions that we have been asked in the past and things on our website like the history of our chapter and what our philanthropies are. it's not like I'm telling the girls how to act and what shoes to wear. if you notice i said the booklet is about the sorority and how to join, not "how to get in."

and i don't plan on rubbing it in the face of girls who didn't get a bid. i'm going to give this "insert" to the members of my sorority in case this girl approaches one of them and asks why she didn't get a bid. and i'm sure she will because she already made a face book note about it. i don't want the members of the sorority put in an awkward spot in which they do not know what to say. my school is so small many girls see her at least once a day and have classes with her. almost all of the members of my sorority thought this was a good idea. this way they either know what to say to her or they can give this insert to her.

thanks for answering my question.

Umm, couldn't your slip of paper possibly conflict with some NPC rules? Like that membership selection is private? I'm sure there's probably no rule against saying to a PNM "I'm really sorry, it's always very difficult for sororities to make these decisions and it's not always an easy one for us" and leave it at that. If you say stuff about how they may have not let their true personalities shine through or that they might have not met enough women, this could get really, really sticky. And if I can be perfectly honest, I think if I were a disappointed PNM it could come across as condescending. I know that's not the intention but that's how it would rub off.

I think it's probably a good idea to just coach your chapter members to say something really vague so you don't get in trouble. And run anything by your Greek advisor before you do anything so you don't get in trouble with your panhel or your HQs.

Um, no offense but if I were a bidless PNM and someone told me what you just wrote, I'd feel even more like shit.

When you have time, try to go through the recruitment threads in this forum -- and pick out the ones where things didn't really go well in the end for the PNM. Lots of GCers have offered their advice/words of comfort to PNMs who didn't get a bid. Maybe you can pick up a few things from those threads.

[alum]

Wouldn't what you have essentially said be more appropriately said by the Rho Chi?

Originally Posted by OTW

Um, no offense but if I were a bidless PNM and someone told me what you just wrote, I'd feel even more like shit.

When you have time, try to go through the recruitment threads in this forum -- and pick out the ones where things didn't really go well in the end for the PNM. Lots of GCers have offered their advice/words of comfort to PNMs who didn't get a bid. Maybe you can pick up a few things from those threads.

no kidding, thats why i posted this. because i need advice about giving advice. i can't exactly offer comforting words to a girl i don't like. and looking at how the votes went for her, neither will many other girls in my sorority. am i supposed to tell her "well, you cheated on your boyfriend with the boyfriend of one of our sisters who then broke up with that sister for you. you're also fake and hyprocritcal and change your personality and opinion depending on who you talk to." i'm telling you i know for sure this girl is going to approch one of us, so not telling her anything is not an option. thanks for your help.

[SydneyK]

Originally Posted by jessicaelaine

i can't exactly offer comforting words to a girl i don't like.

Then don't. There's no reason why you should provide her with information related to why she didn't get in. She probably knows anyway. I mean, don'tcha think she realizes she hooked up with a guy who was dating a sister?

You don't have to comfort her. You don't have to find a nice way to tell her why she was released. If you try to do either one of those, you'll come across as giving lip service. Same goes for anyone else in the chapter whom she might approach.

As others have said, simply tell her that you cannot discuss membership selection and leave it at that. Like I said before, she probably knows anyway.

[ladygreek]

Wow, I guess I am just a little surprised at the need to explain anything at all. Membership in any of our orgs. is a privilege, not a right. Some folx fit in, others don't.

Now with the scenario described about the boyfriend it sounds like you feel the need to do damage control. But very honestly, she also should have realized that she wouldn't exactly be welcomed in that sorority.

I say let it go. As long as your chapter followed whatever your rules are for selection so be it.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by jessicaelaine

no kidding, thats why i posted this. because i need advice about giving advice. i can't exactly offer comforting words to a girl i don't like. and looking at how the votes went for her, neither will many other girls in my sorority. am i supposed to tell her "well, you cheated on your boyfriend with the boyfriend of one of our sisters who then broke up with that sister for you. you're also fake and hyprocritcal and change your personality and opinion depending on who you talk to." i'm telling you i know for sure this girl is going to approch one of us, so not telling her anything is not an option. thanks for your help.

Just tell her:

"I'm sorry, but our membership selection process is confidential. We aren't allowed to discuss why someone was chosen or not chosen with anyone, even with those new members who DID receive bids."

That's all anyone EVER needs to hear about why they were chosen or not chosen. Period.

Oh, and to everyone who's saying "make the Rho Chi do it" I think the OP's Greek system is relatively small and doesn't have formal rush/Rho Chis.

[summer_gphib]

Just a side note... you may want to check your online booklet for errors. NPC is the National Panhellenic Conference, not the National Pan-Hellenic Conference. I'm not trying to be nit picky, but you should know that.

I'm far from a perfect speller, but that is a pretty big mistake.

[UGAalum94]

I don't know how much information really helps because ultimately the group didn't want them enough to give them a bid. Especially with informal rush or COB when the reasons are likely to be more subjective and varying, I think there's little you can say that is likely to help.

Personally, I think that Greek Life or Student Activities could be more direct about how things work, even if they can't get into specific membership selection. For instance, publishing the real average GPA of new members in addition to the minimum GPA, the number of non-freshmen who got bids at each group in the last five years, and the actual expectation about PNMs getting recs for that campus would help people who are likely to have a hard rush figure some stuff out in advance.

But I don't think that after rejecting someone during informal would be the time to tell them general stuff. You don't really want to open your membership criteria that much to other people.

[TSteven]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

I take it you're a local, because I can't imagine any NPC sorority would do something like this.

They are an NPC chapter. The other sorority chapters are local (two) and an NPHC chapter.

jessicaelaine - I commend you wanting to help ease the pain of those women who do not receive a bid. However, when it comes to membership selection I feel it is best to just say something simple like "Membership selection is private/confidential" and leave it at that.

[aopirose]

Originally Posted by TSteven

However, when it comes to membership selection I feel it is best to just say something simple like "Membership selection is private/confidential" and leave it at that.

This is all you or your members need to say.

[ΑΓΔSquirrelGirl]

It's nice to want to make them feel better. But I think the Gamma Rhos or Panhellenic needs to say this before Recruitment starts. Some girls are GOING to get dropped from recruitment at most schools, and they should know that going in, and should be told, in a very vague way, not to take it too personally.