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12-08-2006, 07:16 PM
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Negotiation vs. Settling
Inspired by various threads:
What is the difference between negotiating, compromising, and settling? Which "not met ideal qualities" in a prospective mate would fall under each category.
English is my second language, so it is tricky for me to determine the degrees of each word.
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12-08-2006, 07:29 PM
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What do you mean by "negotiating" in this context? When I think of negotiating, I think of something like this:
Prosecution: Your client must go to prison for five years.
Defense: My client should get probation.
Prosecution: He's a conniving drug dealer! No way!
Defense: He was just selling crack to raise money to support his seven children! Poor guy!
Prosecution: Okay, three years.
Defense: Your case is weak. The cop who arrested him was drunk and not wearing any pants. Do you think a jury is going to believe his testimony?
Prosecution: He was too wearing pants! Okay one year.
Defense: Deal!
You're taking a situation where both parties want a different result and finding a middle ground with which you both can live.
So, in terms of a relationship, I could see negotiating, say, where you'll go on vacation or for dinner, or what kind of wedding you'd have -- is that what you mean? But your question seems to involve qualities of the individuals in the relationship. How do you negotiate that? If that's what you mean, I don't think it's really possible or a good idea.
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12-08-2006, 07:48 PM
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Negotiating- things that you would prefer to have in a partner but are not absolute musts.
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12-08-2006, 08:49 PM
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Scandia, you really need to realize that you can walk around with a preconceived list of everything you want in a mate, but it's pretty unlikely you'll end up with that person. I had a very long list of characteristics that a man in my life must have (Irish Catholic, liberal, not a lawyer, pro-choice, blah blah blah) and I met a guy my junior year of college who met every single one of those characteristics and was totally into me. I wanted nothing to do with him. Nice guy, but no chemistry. I've been with my boyfriend for two years - he does not meet a single one of my must haves and violates all of my must-nots - but I love him and we work together, and that's more important than going down an arbitrary checklist.
I'm kind of with valkryie - you negotiate whether you eat Chinese or Mexican for dinner, but you don't negotiate whether your partner wants children. You compromise on eating Indian instead or maybe even on something more serious like two kids instead of 16 (go Duggar family!), but you don't compromise on whether your mate is Catholic or not. And settling is for suckas. If you already feel like you are settling at the beginning of the relationship, how can you expect a marriage or partnership to make it?
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12-09-2006, 12:50 AM
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I agree with the two previous posters whole heartedly! I had my "list" of what I wanted. My boyfriend meets next to none of them. But he loves me and treats me well and in the end.... that's what's really important. In the end it's not the end of the world that he loves the Yankees and I love the Red Sox... it just means we watch that game in seperate rooms!  Would I have prefered someone who hated the Yankees? Sure! But in the end he's a great guy with that "flaw"!
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12-09-2006, 07:17 AM
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OK, exactly what did these lists entail?
Because there is a big difference between
"my ideal mate will enjoy classical music as much as I do"
and
"my ideal mate will not have a felony criminal record"
Hey, I don't even have any favorite sports teams. I don't care if he's into sports or not- as long as we do have interests in common AND he respects me and my viewpoints and preferences.
What I mean is things like "he has to be a practicing Catholic" vs. "he has to believe in the Judeo-Christian deity". While the first one may not be an absolute requirement (although it would simplify things a lot), the second one is an absolute must that I cannot and will not negotiate/compromise/settle about (don't know which one of the three terms would apply best).
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12-09-2006, 12:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scandia
Negotiating- things that you would prefer to have in a partner but are not absolute musts.
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When it comes to a partner, I would just use the word compromise. Negotiating is something done between two people who cannot reach an agreement. Compromising is something you can do with yourself. What's steadfast and what are you willing to compromise?
For instance, you must have a guy who believes in god. You'll compromise over his religion though.
This will sound a bit silly to someone who's not a sports fan, but I'm a diehard red sox fan (I'm sitting here in red sox pj pants!) and I dated a yankees fan. After we broke up, I swore never to date another yankees fan. I'm a very passionate, competitive person so it wouldn't work. Now I'm with a diehard sox fan like myself. I went to Fenway and saw the sox play live for the first time with him and I wouldn't have traded it for the world.
So it comes down to this:
looks-worth a compromise.
politics-possible compromise.
religion-compromise.
etc. etc. It depends what you hold near and dear. My SO may be the physical opposite of what I always imagined my type to be but he's also perfect (in my eyes) in every other way and we fit. I will marry him.
Scandia, I know you're older, but I would really check out a certain book. It's called 'I Gave Dating a Chance' by Jeramy Clark. It's aimed at teenagers but it's a good grounding for christian dating etc. Stay away from Joshua Harris, whatever you do.
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12-09-2006, 02:16 PM
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I agree that compromise is a better word than negotiate in this setting.
I've never, ever had a "list" of what I want or don't want in a guy. That said, before I got together with my old man, I had a vague idea that I wanted a guy who tended to agree with me on political issues (i.e., is a big liberal) and is someone who'll do his share around the house should we live together eventually (i.e., does approximately half of the work). I never really thought about it, but I couldn't date someone who believes in God/is religious. Other than that, I wouldn't date someone I didn't find totally hot (that's probably the only one I really thought about before).
Maybe I've never gotten specific because I haven't met or dated some of the jacked-up people mentioned in the thread about red flags -- felons, fanny pack wearers, abusers, people with a lot of family drama or baby's mamas, etc. -- so none of these things were an issue for me. I've also never met a guy who was really into having kids. Before GC, I didn't know there even WERE guys who actively want kids. I always thought guys end up with kids because women want them, LOL. I'm not even kidding.
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A hiney bird is a bird that flies in perfectly executed, concentric circles until it eventually flies up its own behind and poof! disappears forever....
-Ken Harrelson
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12-09-2006, 03:13 PM
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scandia,
i think all of us unknowingly have criteria that we use to qualify folks as suitable to date. i think that it is when we knowingly list criteria for which our dates should qualify that we run into trouble. rarely would someone fulfill all the requirements. i'm sure that even prince william or george clooney would meet all of our requirements. maybe your question is how many of my preferences could i accept in a mate, or of the criteria i have for a mate, which are the most important?
for instance, i think that i remember you saying in another thread that you would like a mate who is of equal intelligence. what if you met a man who was very smart & well spoken, but who's i.q. might be lower than yours? would that be a reason to drop him, if he met most of the other criteria on your list? now did you really mean equal intelligence, or did you mean equivalent education?
one of my relatives married a man who has a technical degree from a trade school. she is college educated. her parents were not happy with the marriage because he was not college educated. however, he is a very well spoken, interesting, caring, informed and involved person. he treats my relative like a queen and is a wonderful father to their children. he is well respected in their community. they own their own business which is very successful and they have made a lot of money. her parents have come to adore him as they have gotten to know him. he is a good man. had she listened to her parents,simply because he did not meet their criteria, my relative would have missed out on a wonderfully successful marriage.
you also said that you would like your mate to be a practicing catholic-would you be willing to compromise on that? for instance, a compromise might be that he would be willing to convert to catholicism. would that be alright? what if he preferred to stay with his religion, but agreed that if you had children, they could be raised catholic? could you live with that?
i think you might be putting the cart before the horse. before you find a husband, you have to find a date. i dated lots of different men before i met my husband. i dated a few jerks, some really nice guys, and a few that i had serious relationships with. i think dating the guys that i did helped me to realize the gem that my husband was when i met him. but as the saying goes, i did have to kiss a few frogs before i met my prince. go out to meet interesting men, not to find a husband. it you feel a spark, hooray!! if you don't, hopefully you have made a friend, and maybe the spark will show up with the next date.
how did your parents meet? was it an arranged marriage?
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