Settling v. Compromising

[CrimsonTide4]

Last night's GIRLFRIENDS episode had me up thinking last night.

Brief recap for those who don't know: Joan and Brock got engaged last week. Last night Joan is picturing their future which in her mind includes kids. Brock does not want kids. Finally, Joan concludes that it is best if she and Brock go their separate ways. (I felt her pain at reaching that conclusion, but then again Mr. CT4 and I discussed that like at the beginning to avoid surprises.)

My question is: Matters like this (kids vs. no kids), do you settle for what your partner wants to stay in a relationship?
Do you compromise where instead of 4 kids you have 2?
Do you walk away from what could be the true love of your life?


When we compromise in a relationship, are we compromising who we are? Do we lose ground?

[lovelyivy84]

On something like kids I would say that you HAVVE to reach a compromise that keeps BOTH people happy. If it's a kids/no kids compromise then it's not going to work. One person will always be resentful of the other.

[AKA2D '91]

Joan makes me iller than I already am.

How did she know that he was the 'love of her life' when she only knew him for what 2 weeks? IF SHE WOULD HAVE HAD A FEW DECENT CONVERSATIONS WITH THE GUY, SHE WOULD HAVE KNOWN HE DIDN'T WANT ANY KIDS. THEREFORE, SHE COULD HAVE STAYED WITH THE ACTOR DUDE. AT LEAST SHE KNOWS HE WANTED KIDS...HE HAD A CHILD. (DASAS)

I'm sorry for the caps, but I was hotter than the fever that I have when I saw last night's episode. I think that Joan was in LUST with Brock. She is ALWAYS jumping the gun. JUST SHUT UP AND GO WITH THE FLOW. She makes me sick.

[CrimsonTide4]

See I missed it last week so when I saw it last night and was like dang you all are engaged. WTH?!!?!? I been with Mr. CT4 longer than those 2 have been together. Joan is IN LUST and got caught up in the heat of the moment. She cannot bear to be the one who does not get married.

She jumped the gun. Have they even met each other's family? It's obvious that no serious REALISTIC conversation took place.


But taking it back to today in real life, applying it to me . . . COMPROMISE IS HARD!!

[Honeykiss1974]

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4

My question is: Matters like this (kids vs. no kids), do you settle for what your partner wants to stay in a relationship?
Do you compromise where instead of 4 kids you have 2?
Do you walk away from what could be the true love of your life?


When we compromise in a relationship, are we compromising who we are? Do we lose ground?

I believe there are some issues that can not be compromised.

In this example, if one person wants kids and the other doesn't, then I believe it is best to go your own seperate ways. Kids are not like chossing which movie to see on Friday (action movie or love story ).

I think alot of time we as women believe that we can change a man. We think that if we love him more, harder, or stronger, that he will eventually change. It is when we take on this mindset that we began to "lose ground" or most importantly our own self-worth and who we are.

[treblk]

Originally posted by Honeykiss1974
I believe there are some issues that can not be compromised.

In this example, if one person wants kids and the other doesn't, then I believe it is best to go your own seperate ways. Kids are like chossing which movie to see on Friday (action movie or love story ).

I think alot of time we as women believe that we can change a man. We think that if we love him more, harder, or stronger, that he will eventually change. It is when we take on this mindset that we began to "lose ground" or most importantly our own self-worth and who we are.

I SO agree with you!! We see that a lot then with women.

I know how hard it is to let something go that may be the love of your life or at least close to it, but to give up or put on hold something you want is a loss and women have a tendency to settle just to be loved or have a man or whatever.

I'm not really into , but I know that I would make a wonderful mother with that being said, me and Mr. Treblk would have to have some SERIOUS conversations on this topic.

[ladygreek]

For Joan, just getting engaged was a milestone. Like she told dude, the fact that she found someone who loved her that much was what her self-esteem needed.

As for compromises. That would be a tough one for me. But I agree, that is why you should know someone well before you get engaged rather than using it as the getting to know you time.

Toni Childs cracked me up "Look my ring had a baby!"

[Gyrl7]

Thanks Ms. CT4 , I was hoping someone would bring this up. I have a friend who lives in.........well lets say America. She met this man and they both fell in love. He already has two children, but later got a vasectomy. When they met she expressed she wanted children, he told her he would get a reversal procedure done prior to them getting murr'd and errythang. So months pass which turned into a year, which turned into an engagement ring, BUT he has yet to make an appointment to get his middle leg together so they could have children. So she brings up the topic again and his response at that point was children are so overrated, and having the procedure would be too painful(physically)...........
WHATEVER!!! Boyfriend had NO intentions on getting a reversal or having children, so long story short people, is that they broke up because she simply didn't want to settle. Can I blame her??? Absolutely NOT! Not because she is my friend, but from the giddy up she told him she WANTED children, neices and nephews spending weekends over are not the same as having your own chirrens running around the house driving you batty at times but looking like pure angels as they sleep. She bailed out because of other things going on in the relationship that were not kosher, but basically she knew that if she stayed with him, she would have to settle for what he didn't want which were children. My point is while she already knew of his children, he should not have agreed that children would be an option for them if he had no intentions on doing the necessary to have them. I could understand if he had his procedure and his middle leg was....well, you know, limp.........but uuuuuuggggggghhhhhh.......don't get my hopes all up high because you are so in love with me and then piddle around later on..........

Me personally, lets say if I were 10 years younger, I would not have had a problem with Brock saying he didn't want kids, but now that I am older.....heck yeah I want somebotty to love, cuddle and cherish................I think I would have had to step too.

[TonyB06]

Originally posted by Gyrl7
BUT he has yet to make an appointment to get his middle leg together so they could have children.

Gyrl7, you certainly got a way with words....

On the real tip (sorry 'bout that) relationships are about much more than what most people envision. Everyone's down with the "emotion, passion" of it, but it takes hard work by two people to really grow together.

I think it's best to see who the person is, then decide if your love is strong enough to accept them like they are...because they aren't going to fundamentally change, no matter what they say.

...especially not with people like Gyrl7 trying to have guys make "middle leg" alterations.

I don't think we lose ground in any way when we compromise with our the ones in our lives. Compromise, I believe, relates to love. If you love the person, I think there should be some sort of compromise happening. If one person doesn't want kids and the other does, I feel there should be a long discussion taking place. I think the one who wants kids should find out why the other doesn't. Find out if that decision is just for the now or is completely out of the question. It is up to the two to decide what's best for them. However, to give up something that could truly be from the Lord is a chance taken within itself. And you could wind up in a situation worse than what you could have ever expected.

Originally posted by AKA2D '91
Joan makes me iller than I already am.

How did she know that he was the 'love of her life' when she only knew him for what 2 weeks? IF SHE WOULD HAVE HAD A FEW DECENT CONVERSATIONS WITH THE GUY, SHE WOULD HAVE KNOWN HE DIDN'T WANT ANY KIDS. THEREFORE, SHE COULD HAVE STAYED WITH THE ACTOR DUDE. AT LEAST SHE KNOWS HE WANTED KIDS...HE HAD A CHILD. (DASAS)

I'm sorry for the caps, but I was hotter than the fever that I have when I saw last night's episode. I think that Joan was in LUST with Brock. She is ALWAYS jumping the gun. JUST SHUT UP AND GO WITH THE FLOW. She makes me sick.

Yeah, she makes me upset, too. Sometimes she knows what she wants and other times she has no clue of when to breathe. Just like last week's episode where they kept turning from vegas and going back...turning from and going back. All because at first she wanted to get married, then she didn't...she did, then she didn't.. She got me infuriated by all that. I think overall she's just excited about the idea of getting married rather than the actual act of doing so. She needs to get it together.

[amycat412]

Its a tough question, for sure. Mr. Amycat and I are undecided on the issue. When we started dating a year and a half ago, we were in the same place--neither of us was baby crazy, but we wanted kids sometime in the far off future.

This past summer he announced he didn't want them anymore. Granted, this was after spending 10 days cooped up in one house with 5 kids under the age of ten--we were on vacation at the beach w his family-- and I got upset and told him I would have to end our relationship if he never wanted to have kids.

Even saying that aloud was a hard thing to do. I am still not 100% sure I want to have children, but I think its just a matter of time before I feel settled enough and that feeling changes to a yes, baby now please.

After MUCH discussion and many tears, we did come to a mutually acceptable compromise. The fact that we could talk so maturely on such a heart-felt subject told me a lot about the solidity of our relationship, and, ironically, made me feel like we would be good parents.

[Gyrl7]

Originally posted by TonyB06
Gyrl7, you certainly got a way with words....

On the real tip (sorry 'bout that) relationships are about much more than what most people envision. Everyone's down with the "emotion, passion" of it, but it takes hard work by two people to really grow together.

I think it's best to see who the person is, then decide if your love is strong enough to accept them like they are...because they aren't going to fundamentally change, no matter what they say.

...especially not with people like Gyrl7 trying to have guys make "middle leg" alterations.

LOLOLOL , ok Tony just call me the Wendy Williams of GC....

But fo'real, I have to say you are right, but lil boy wonder did tell my friend that he was gonna get his innards fixed and then just flipped the script on her! He didn't even discuss adoption, because I think she may have been ok with that, but then again maybe not. I guess he thought that she was so in love and caught up in the feelings that she would "settle" for what he wanted and she didn't!.........

[FLKING]

Man yall are on the money with this one. Just had this conversation last night with a potential Mr. FLKING. I have a son already and have no desire to have anymore kids. When I say I am not having anymore chirren that is what I mean. Thing is he does not have any and he wants some bad. I told him, look I dont think there is a compromise when it comes to this and if we plan on going any further.... you need to accept my decision fully cause it will not be changing. And you know he said, he can respect that and would never try to change my mind. It is hard, but I am with the most, the best thing to do with this one is walk away. I was willing to sign, seal and deliver his walking papers

[feu_declipse]

I agree with the comments made previously, having children is not an issue on which one should compromise. If the decision was about when to have children, then a compromise could be reached. Even that has to be discussed in depth. One person's idea of soon could be 15 years, while the other party is thinking more along the lines of 15 months.

Also things such are you against children in general, solely against going through childbirth, willing to adopt, etc..

This is one of those topics that lead to divorces further along the road so anyone considering marriage and even intimate relationships in general need to talk about it. You never know what could happen. What if the lady ends up pregnant and the partner does not want kids, what does he expect her to do??