Negotiation vs. Settling
 

Inspired by various threads:

What is the difference between negotiating, compromising, and settling? Which "not met ideal qualities" in a prospective mate would fall under each category.

English is my second language, so it is tricky for me to determine the degrees of each word.

What do you mean by "negotiating" in this context? When I think of negotiating, I think of something like this:

Prosecution: Your client must go to prison for five years.
Defense: My client should get probation.
Prosecution: He's a conniving drug dealer! No way!
Defense: He was just selling crack to raise money to support his seven children! Poor guy!
Prosecution: Okay, three years.
Defense: Your case is weak. The cop who arrested him was drunk and not wearing any pants. Do you think a jury is going to believe his testimony?
Prosecution: He was too wearing pants! Okay one year.
Defense: Deal!

You're taking a situation where both parties want a different result and finding a middle ground with which you both can live.

So, in terms of a relationship, I could see negotiating, say, where you'll go on vacation or for dinner, or what kind of wedding you'd have -- is that what you mean? But your question seems to involve qualities of the individuals in the relationship. How do you negotiate that? If that's what you mean, I don't think it's really possible or a good idea.

Negotiating- things that you would prefer to have in a partner but are not absolute musts.

Scandia, you really need to realize that you can walk around with a preconceived list of everything you want in a mate, but it's pretty unlikely you'll end up with that person. I had a very long list of characteristics that a man in my life must have (Irish Catholic, liberal, not a lawyer, pro-choice, blah blah blah) and I met a guy my junior year of college who met every single one of those characteristics and was totally into me. I wanted nothing to do with him. Nice guy, but no chemistry. I've been with my boyfriend for two years - he does not meet a single one of my must haves and violates all of my must-nots - but I love him and we work together, and that's more important than going down an arbitrary checklist.

I'm kind of with valkryie - you negotiate whether you eat Chinese or Mexican for dinner, but you don't negotiate whether your partner wants children. You compromise on eating Indian instead or maybe even on something more serious like two kids instead of 16 (go Duggar family!), but you don't compromise on whether your mate is Catholic or not. And settling is for suckas. If you already feel like you are settling at the beginning of the relationship, how can you expect a marriage or partnership to make it?

I agree with the two previous posters whole heartedly! I had my "list" of what I wanted. My boyfriend meets next to none of them. But he loves me and treats me well and in the end.... that's what's really important. In the end it's not the end of the world that he loves the Yankees and I love the Red Sox... it just means we watch that game in seperate rooms! :) Would I have prefered someone who hated the Yankees? Sure! But in the end he's a great guy with that "flaw"! :p

OK, exactly what did these lists entail?

Because there is a big difference between

"my ideal mate will enjoy classical music as much as I do"

and

"my ideal mate will not have a felony criminal record"

Hey, I don't even have any favorite sports teams. I don't care if he's into sports or not- as long as we do have interests in common AND he respects me and my viewpoints and preferences.

What I mean is things like "he has to be a practicing Catholic" vs. "he has to believe in the Judeo-Christian deity". While the first one may not be an absolute requirement (although it would simplify things a lot), the second one is an absolute must that I cannot and will not negotiate/compromise/settle about (don't know which one of the three terms would apply best).

I have a list that if a man meets everything I'll immediately drag him home to my mom and claim I married him just to watch her freak. I love her but it'd be too much fun to pass up. :D

Red headed, Catholic, Texan, Navy or Marine Pilot, named Sean Patrick Kennedy, drives a white convertible Cadilac with longhorns on the front. :)

She hates every one of those charteristics. It's the "perfect" man to bring home to her.

Some of the arbitrary things I used to say I couldn't live without:

*not Republican, but not too far to the left
* somewhat religious
* from a city
* NOT a Tarheel lover nor a fan of the Cowboys or Yankees
* more macho than metro

There were more but I can barely even remember them. In the end, the "list" is not important. In my case opposites attract. We are NOTHING alike!! But some how we work together. I have no idea how but we do. The list I wanted ended up not being important.

When it comes to a partner, I would just use the word compromise. Negotiating is something done between two people who cannot reach an agreement. Compromising is something you can do with yourself. What's steadfast and what are you willing to compromise?

For instance, you must have a guy who believes in god. You'll compromise over his religion though.
This will sound a bit silly to someone who's not a sports fan, but I'm a diehard red sox fan (I'm sitting here in red sox pj pants!) and I dated a yankees fan. After we broke up, I swore never to date another yankees fan. I'm a very passionate, competitive person so it wouldn't work. Now I'm with a diehard sox fan like myself. I went to Fenway and saw the sox play live for the first time with him and I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

So it comes down to this:
looks-worth a compromise.
politics-possible compromise.
religion-compromise.
etc. etc. It depends what you hold near and dear. My SO may be the physical opposite of what I always imagined my type to be but he's also perfect (in my eyes) in every other way and we fit. I will marry him.
Scandia, I know you're older, but I would really check out a certain book. It's called 'I Gave Dating a Chance' by Jeramy Clark. It's aimed at teenagers but it's a good grounding for christian dating etc. Stay away from Joshua Harris, whatever you do.

I agree that compromise is a better word than negotiate in this setting.

I've never, ever had a "list" of what I want or don't want in a guy. That said, before I got together with my old man, I had a vague idea that I wanted a guy who tended to agree with me on political issues (i.e., is a big liberal) and is someone who'll do his share around the house should we live together eventually (i.e., does approximately half of the work). I never really thought about it, but I couldn't date someone who believes in God/is religious. Other than that, I wouldn't date someone I didn't find totally hot (that's probably the only one I really thought about before).

Maybe I've never gotten specific because I haven't met or dated some of the jacked-up people mentioned in the thread about red flags -- felons, fanny pack wearers, abusers, people with a lot of family drama or baby's mamas, etc. -- so none of these things were an issue for me. I've also never met a guy who was really into having kids. Before GC, I didn't know there even WERE guys who actively want kids. I always thought guys end up with kids because women want them, LOL. I'm not even kidding.

scandia,

i think all of us unknowingly have criteria that we use to qualify folks as suitable to date. i think that it is when we knowingly list criteria for which our dates should qualify that we run into trouble. rarely would someone fulfill all the requirements. i'm sure that even prince william or george clooney would meet all of our requirements. maybe your question is how many of my preferences could i accept in a mate, or of the criteria i have for a mate, which are the most important?

for instance, i think that i remember you saying in another thread that you would like a mate who is of equal intelligence. what if you met a man who was very smart & well spoken, but who's i.q. might be lower than yours? would that be a reason to drop him, if he met most of the other criteria on your list? now did you really mean equal intelligence, or did you mean equivalent education?

one of my relatives married a man who has a technical degree from a trade school. she is college educated. her parents were not happy with the marriage because he was not college educated. however, he is a very well spoken, interesting, caring, informed and involved person. he treats my relative like a queen and is a wonderful father to their children. he is well respected in their community. they own their own business which is very successful and they have made a lot of money. her parents have come to adore him as they have gotten to know him. he is a good man. had she listened to her parents,simply because he did not meet their criteria, my relative would have missed out on a wonderfully successful marriage.

you also said that you would like your mate to be a practicing catholic-would you be willing to compromise on that? for instance, a compromise might be that he would be willing to convert to catholicism. would that be alright? what if he preferred to stay with his religion, but agreed that if you had children, they could be raised catholic? could you live with that?

i think you might be putting the cart before the horse. before you find a husband, you have to find a date. i dated lots of different men before i met my husband. i dated a few jerks, some really nice guys, and a few that i had serious relationships with. i think dating the guys that i did helped me to realize the gem that my husband was when i met him. but as the saying goes, i did have to kiss a few frogs before i met my prince. go out to meet interesting men, not to find a husband. it you feel a spark, hooray!! if you don't, hopefully you have made a friend, and maybe the spark will show up with the next date.

how did your parents meet? was it an arranged marriage?

Well you have certain things that are obviously dealbreakers:

Southern
Hot
Rich


Then other things (Merely secondary):

Blonde hair
College degree
Disease free
Ability to read

I'm glad Im not the only one who thought this topic related to law. LOL.

FSUZeta- my parents met at their workplace. It was in the early 70s, so laws were much more relaxed back then. A guy willing to convert is fine, as well as one who stays in his denomination but respects mine- but he HAS to believe in God, and his specific beliefs should be close to mine (ie- no fundamentalists or radicals). Regarding intelligence and education- well, the technical diploma is not as extreme a case as someone who has dropped out of high school due to lack of intelligence and ambition. I would have to see exactly if we get along and share the same educational level and interests- in other words, he needs to understand my big words and not make fun of my using them.

Valkyrie- the next to last guy I dated (back in 2004) wanted to have a large family. That is the main reason why things did not work out between us. Sure sure, there were other problems- but if he states this reason to a girl as to why things did not work out between him and I, neither one of us will look bad.

Centaur- this may be due to the language barrier, but for some reason I thought that compromise carried a stronger degree that negotiation. That "negotiate" meant "oh, he has brown hair and eyes, instead of blonde hair and blue eyes which are my preference, but otherwise he meets all my needs and wants", but compromise meant more like "I'll deal with his dislike of animals because he's dealing with my being no good at cooking". And of course, settling was like "he does not have the intelligence or ambition to have a career, but at least he has a job and is not mooching off me, so oh well. Guess I should be grateful for that". And why do you not recommend Joshua Harris?

Scandia:

Is someone putting pressure on you to get married?

Do you know yourself well enough in order to be able to know what you're seeking? Do you know what's really important to you? Have you ever sat down and done any real soul searching to figure out what type of man would make you happy?

Maybe you would want to turn off what your friends and your family are telling you about what's right in a man for you... and listen to yourself. Afterall, only YOU know what's right for YOU.

Remember that your mother, your sister, and your best friend are all different people with different tastes, values, and needs and wants than you. The perfect man for your best friend or your mother may not be the perfect man for you.. so don't let them pick him for you. If you do.. you'll probably be miserable.

Right now, you're dating and seeing what works for you and what doesn't. As you go out with different men, see if you can identify which qualities are uppermost in what you're looking for. In other words, what are your "musts" and what are your "deal breakers?"


Some things to think about...

-Is he honest?

-Is he loving and caring?

-Do you two have enough in common in order to do things together far in the future? (An example might be-- you might have a passion for traveling, but he'd rather stay at home. Would this be a problem in the future? Or would you be happy traveling alone while he stays home?)

-On the other hand, do you both have your own separate interests so you can still be happy doing your own thing once in a while?

-How important is financial stabilty to you?

And here are some examples of what you may or not consider deal breakers:

-Does it bother you if he smokes? Or drinks? Or does drugs?

-Has he lied to you?

-Does he want kids and you don't?

-Is he deeply in debt? Or do you care?

Finally, I would urge you not to take dating as a "life or death" thing right now. Go out and have fun. Stop stressing over it. Once you feel confident in who you are.. when the right guy comes around, you'll know it.