How to help PNMs who don't get first choice?

gee_ess · #1 02-22-2008, 10:30 AM

I am really wondering about our campus panhellenics' handling of this situation. You know the girl I am talking about - maybe it happened to you - she opened her bid card and got her second choice. It is not the end of the world, but it feels like it at the moment. Those of us who are "older and wiser"

know that this usually ends up working out just great, as several threads on GC can attest to, but what can be done to help ease the shock, make her feel more welcome, etc. at the time?

Often, the Big Sis doesn't even KNOW that this new member got her second choice - the only people who know are the bid matching gurus at panhellenic. Heck, the Big is exhausted, exhilerated, convinced her house rocked recruitment. She can't even fathom that this girl wanted another house. This isn't even on the chapters radar.

What happens in your chapter, with your panhellenic to help in this situation?
Shoud panhellenic notify the recruitment chair how the bid matching went? Pros? Cons?

UGAalum94 · #2 02-22-2008, 10:50 AM

I think the fewer people who know it was her second choice the better.

The only thing that panhellenic should do, in my opinion, is to make sure PNMs know that they could be matched to any group on the bid card, and that if she isn't going to be happy with her second and third choices, she probably shouldn't list them.

ETA: It would be disastrous to morale to tell the new members that they were actually way down on the bid list and only got bids because everyone the chapter liked better wanted other groups. Similarly, no one benefits, as near as I can guess, and a lot of harm can be done by the chapter realizing how many of their new members listed the chapter as a second or third choice. It's probably better all the way around to believe that the mutual selection process worked well, that the group and the girl have found each other, and that everyone is really excited about it.

More pragmatically, if the girl is still really disappointed, you're going to find out whether you want to or not.

33girl · #3 02-22-2008, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UGAalum94

I think the fewer people who know it was her second choice the better.

The only thing that panhellenic should do, in my opinion, is to make sure PNMs know that they could be matched to any group on the bid card, and that if she isn't going to be happy with her second and third choices, she probably shouldn't list them.

I agree. If the member opens up at some point in the future and tells the sisters what her choice was, that's her prerogative, but other than that, it should not come up.

If the chapter liked her enough to put her on their bid list, they more than likely will make her feel welcome & tell her they're happy she's there - even if they have no clue that she listed them 2nd or 3rd. If the new member wants to keep reminding herself she got her second choice, well, she's just making herself miserable.

If it's a case of the chapter is struggling and took everyone they could, well, that's harder. Hopefully the adversity will help everyone to bond.

adpiucf · #4 02-22-2008, 11:01 AM

I really think it is an issue that the new member needs to learn to handle on her own. It may be disappointing to not receive your first choice bid. However, at the risk of sounding cynical: that's life. The sooner you figure out you're not always going to get 100% of what you want when you want it, the better.

If anything, Panhellenic should address this issue with the Recruitment Counselors. After pref card signing, or possibly even before, the counselors should sit down with their PNM's and discuss best and worst-case scenarios, offer support and prepare the women for the possibility that they may or may not receive their top choice. And to also remember that while it is their prerogative to accept their bid or not, that the chapter who has accepted her is very excited to welcome her as a sister. And if she is going to come to their home on Bid Day, she can either be a happy and willing guest, or she should just go home. Bid Day is a celebration. If the worst thing that has happened to you in 18 years is to get rejected from your top choice sorority (after 3-4 20 minute meetings with the members over a week-long period), you're actually in better shape than 99% of the rest of the world population.

I'm cynical, yes. But these girls need to grow up sometime. I remember how emotional recruitment was when I was participating as a collegian. But big picture: You haven't committed social suicide by getting a bid to ABC instead of XYZ, and you're being given the opportunity to become part of an exclusive organization that will give you amazing opportunities and experiences.

KSUViolet06 · #5 02-22-2008, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adpiucf

I really think it is an issue that the new member needs to learn to handle on her own. It may be disappointing to not receive your first choice bid. However, at the risk of sounding cynical: that's life. The sooner you figure out you're not always going to get 100% of what you want when you want it, the better.

I totally agree. So you got your 2nd choice? Okay. You could've NOT gotten a bid at all. You should just be excited that these people are happy to have you and enojy your new member period. If you find that you can't do that, depledge and don't continue to waste the sorority's time and yours.

carnation · #6 02-23-2023, 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UGAalum94

I think the fewer people who know it was her second choice the better.

ETA: It would be disastrous to morale to tell the new members that they were actually way down on the bid list and only got bids because everyone the chapter liked better wanted other groups.

I saw this older thread down at the bottom of some recruitment threads and suddenly remembered a time when that happened and it almost killed the chapter. This college had 2 sororities that pretty much took who they wanted every year. So a third sorority decided to "challenge" them and go after the most desirable girls in recruitment.

This did not end well. Not only did they ignore a lot of PNMs who were more like the women they usually pledged, but they were second choice for many women who got their first choices. They didn't make quota and also didn't waste any time in telling the new members what a huge disappointment they were (I heard it from someone who was actually there and heard the whole thing). Then, of course, a lot of new members quit immediately.

I always figured that some ill-advised alum had that bright idea.

33girl · #7 02-24-2023, 10:52 AM

It does a chapter good to break out of the “we could never get Awesome Ashley” mindset - because you never know, Awesome Ashley may have had it with the hypersocial lifestyle, wants college to be different and wants a down to earth group of sisters, not the popularity queens that she’s been told a zillion times she is a natural for. That being said, ignoring Average Audra at her expense is a bad plan. You have to find a way to make both things work.

carnation · #8 02-24-2023, 04:57 PM

The alum who was at Bid Day told me they thought they (let's call them PQ) were going to nab most of the Awesome Ashleys on campus. Because the whole campus seemed to know which girls were really only planning on going AB or CD, AB had cut the girls who were surely going CD and vice versa. So this left a lot of girls who would have only had 1 pref but they chose to go to PQ for the second, knowing that for them it was their first choice or nothing.

And practically all the PNMs got their first choice, leaving PQ with their third bid list--which they then told their new members.

ZTA72 · #9 02-27-2023, 07:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnation

The alum who was at Bid Day told me they thought they (let's call them PQ) were going to nab most of the Awesome Ashleys on campus. Because the whole campus seemed to know which girls were really only planning on going AB or CD, AB had cut the girls who were surely going CD and vice versa. So this left a lot of girls who would have only had 1 pref but they chose to go to PQ for the second, knowing that for them it was their first choice or nothing.

And practically all the PNMs got their first choice, leaving PQ with their third bid list--which they then told their new members.

They actually told their new members they were last choice?

Zillini · #10 02-22-2008, 11:26 AM

^^^Agreed. Recruitment Counselors need to be trained so they can relay the info to the PNMs. PNMs need to understand there is always a possibility they will get their 2nd or even 3rd choice. Signing a pref card is like signing a contract. In essence the PNM is saying "I am willing to become a member of any of these orgs." While I'm all for maximizing ones options, if there is one or even two orgs you would absolutely not want to be a member of even if you went to their Pref, then do not put them on your pref card. You might end up taking a spot away from someone who really does want to be a member of that org.

PNMs also need to be aware that the Chapters have no idea what a PNMs preference order was. All we are given is a list of our new members. We can only hope that every one of those wanted us as much as we wanted them.

Announcing that your new GLO wasn't your first choice will be interpreted by your new sisters as you not wanting to be their sister. It can make it even more difficult to fit in and find new friends. "Why should we try to be friends with her? She didn't even want us." So in essence you would be creating a self fulfilling prophecy. "See, I just knew I didn't want this group. I haven't made any friends."

33girl · #11 02-22-2008, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zillini

Announcing that your new GLO wasn't your first choice will be interpreted by your new sisters as you not wanting to be their sister. It can make it even more difficult to fit in and find new friends. "Why should we try to be friends with her? She didn't even want us." So in essence you would be creating a self fulfilling prophecy. "See, I just knew I didn't want this group. I haven't made any friends."

Oh, I meant much later, like a year later, when the XYZs did something really stupid and the member says "I have an extremely embarrassing confession...I put XYZ first. What the heck kind of crack was I on?? I would hate it there so much!! I love you guys!!"

gee_ess · #12 02-22-2008, 01:06 PM

You all make excellent points.

If dealing with it within the chapter is off limits, I wonder what procedures panhellenic could introduce. Yes, Gamma Chi's are hopefully trained to say all of those things about the possibility of getting a second or third choice BEFORE bids card go out, but what follow up is in place? If the chapter shouldn't know about the choice ( and I tend to agree with this) then shouldn't someone address this with the girl after it happens? We have counseled and advised and "been there" for her all through the process and at this juncture we say, "get over it, you are just going to have to deal with this." Seems like a pan rep could at least follow up, or something.

I agree that they learn to deal with it, but I have seen this devastate a pnm, especially on a large campus. I also agree there is no easy answer, I just feel like we leave this situation unresolved each year, and we have made so many strides in dealing with the other aspects of recruitment.

33girl · #13 02-22-2008, 01:13 PM

If the girl really wants to call up her rho chi, I suppose she can - but then again, once she knows what sorority the PX is in, she may feel differently about her.

If she still has a problem dealing with it, she can go see a school counselor who will keep things confidential. Or talk to a sister/friend who's Greek at another school.

Weren't there Panhellenic committees at some schools to console girls who didn't get bids? Couldn't she go there as well?

PiPhiERDoc · #14 02-22-2008, 01:21 PM

One of my roommates when I was going through recruitment got her second choice. When she opened her bid she turned to me and said "Wow, I got XYZ...they must have REALLY wanted me!" How great is that? Being fairly innocent of the whole process, she just assumed that getting her second choice house meant that they just wanted her so much that it trumped her first choice, and she was just happy to be wanted.

KSUViolet06 · #15 02-22-2008, 01:29 PM

Something to think about: In some situations, the disparity in the PNMs mind between their two choices isn't always so serious that she is devastated when she gets her 2nd choice. Like the PNM ranks ABC first and XYZ second, but isn't upset when she gets XYZ because she still likes them. I could possibly see a PNM being devastated over getting a 3rd choice, but not a 2nd.

I'm not the biggest advocate for this, but I personally think that if you would rather not be in a sorority at all than be in your 2nd choice OR it's so serious that you're going to need counseling or be depressed about getting a bid there--you should just ISP (intentional single pref or "suicide").