A brother in the fraternity I'm pledging is dating my ex

[sialater]

I know I shouldn't care and it's none of my business what this guy does with his free time, but it's super uncomfortable for me. I didn't know about this until after I accepted my bid. We talked about it and he seems really cool, but he did warn me that I would probably see her a lot around the house (cause he would bring her over). I'm expecting the "get over it" responses but the situation is much more delicate than that so it would be really preferable if I didn't see her. We are not on speaking terms to say the least. I'm only a pledge and I don't want to give them a bad impression of me, but at the same time I really need to tell him that I would be really uncomfortable with him bringing her over all the time. I don't see what the big deal is, the events are only for 2-3 hours, and he can see his gf right afterward. But he seems pretty insistent on bringing her over.

Is there anyway I can confront this?

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by sialater

I know I shouldn't care and it's none of my business what this guy does with his free time, but it's super uncomfortable for me. I didn't know about this until after I accepted my bid. We talked about it and he seems really cool, but he did warn me that I would probably see her a lot around the house (cause he would bring her over). I'm expecting the "get over it" responses but the situation is much more delicate than that so it would be really preferable if I didn't see her. We are not on speaking terms to say the least. I'm only a pledge and I don't want to give them a bad impression of me, but at the same time I really need to tell him that I would be really uncomfortable with him bringing her over all the time. I don't see what the big deal is, the events are only for 2-3 hours, and he can see his gf right afterward. But he seems pretty insistent on bringing her over.

Is there anyway I can confront this?

Assuming you're serious and not a troll: have you considered getting some counseling or therapy or something along those lines? I mean that in the kindest way possible. Your insecurities appear to be crippling your ability to function as an adult.

[sialater]

Originally Posted by AZTheta

Assuming you're serious and not a troll: have you considered getting some counseling or therapy or something along those lines? I mean that in the kindest way possible. Your insecurities appear to be crippling your ability to function as an adult.

Since when is feeling discomfort about someone close to you dating someone you used to have a relationship with a puerile reaction? I understanding you probably mean it in a good way, but I highly disagree that feeling discomfort over the fact that we are not allowed to speak to each other even though I will probably see more of her now is immature and warrants therapy.

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by sialater

Since when is feeling discomfort about someone close to you dating someone you used to have a relationship with a puerile reaction? I understanding you probably mean it in a good way, but I highly disagree that feeling discomfort over the fact that we are not allowed to speak to each other even though I will probably see more of her now is immature and warrants therapy.

You used "puerile" to describe your reaction, I did not. Neither did I say anything about immaturity. I find your word choices very telling. Looks like I hit a nerve by accident.

Let me elucidate: you, by your own admission, overthink everything. That's just for starters. What you've shared here strongly suggests insecurities. Learning to be comfortable in your own skin is a good place to start, instead of defining yourself by outside events.

I wish you the best of luck.

[navane]

Originally Posted by sialater

I know I shouldn't care and it's none of my business what this guy does with his free time, but it's super uncomfortable for me. I didn't know about this until after I accepted my bid. We talked about it and he seems really cool, but he did warn me that I would probably see her a lot around the house (cause he would bring her over). I'm expecting the "get over it" responses but the situation is much more delicate than that so it would be really preferable if I didn't see her. We are not on speaking terms to say the least. I'm only a pledge and I don't want to give them a bad impression of me, but at the same time I really need to tell him that I would be really uncomfortable with him bringing her over all the time. I don't see what the big deal is, the events are only for 2-3 hours, and he can see his gf right afterward. But he seems pretty insistent on bringing her over.

Is there anyway I can confront this?

I'm confused. Yesterday afternoon you posted a thread stressing over why other guys have gotten bids, but not you. Now, today, not only do you have a bid, but you're already attempting to tell a brother how and when he should spend time with his girlfriend? I understand that she is your ex-girlfriend; but, honestly, as a pledge, I just don't think you have enough grease to make those requests and you will most likely end up being THAT guy.

Originally Posted by AZTheta

Assuming you're serious and not a troll: have you considered getting some counseling or therapy or something along those lines? I mean that in the kindest way possible. Your insecurities appear to be crippling your ability to function as an adult.

I absolutely agree with this suggestion. sialater, I think you would benefit from chatting with a professional about what appear to be some very strong insecurities.

[TPA85]

You, as a pledge, are essentially a guest in HIS house. You don't get to dictate who comes over and who doesn't. You either need to find a way to get over it or pledge elsewhere.

[Gusteau]

Originally Posted by TPA85

You, as a pledge, are essentially a guest in HIS house. You don't get to dictate who comes over and who doesn't. You either need to find a way to get over it or pledge elsewhere.

I agree that sialater should probably seek some kind of support system for his aversion to his ex and that learning to deal with awkward situations is a part of life. However, I find this idea that his degree of membership makes him "less than" and doesn't guarantee him the right to feel safe and comfortable problematic.

[TPA85]

Originally Posted by Gusteau

I agree that sialater should probably seek some kind of support system for his aversion to his ex and that learning to deal with awkward situations is a part of life. However, I find this idea that his degree of membership makes him "less than" and doesn't guarantee him the right to feel safe and comfortable problematic.

As a one-day-new pledge he's probably not living in the house. The guy he has an issue with probably IS.
If I had a new roommate move in and tell me to re-arrange my life to suit them I'd tell them to keep apartment hunting.
This isn't an issue of safety. This is a scorned ex-boyfriend who hasn't moved on.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by TPA85

If I had a new roommate move in and tell me to re-arrange my life to suit them I'd tell them to keep apartment hunting.

Which is not really the situation here.

sialater, I get that this is uncomfortable. But stuff like this happens in life, and now is as good a time as any to learn how to deal with it. You really aren't in any position to ask him not to bring her over, and you certainly don't need to be giving him details of your history with her at this point. If nothing else, learn how to stay on the opposite side of the room from her, but don't be rude about it.

[33girl]

Unless there's a PFA floating around, you're going to just need to deal. You spoke to the brother about it and say he seemed cool - it could very easily have gone the other way and your bid could have been rescinded. Being mature about an uncomfortable situation (and not asking for things like him leaving his girlfriend home during events) will improve your status in the fraternity's eyes.

Plus, if she's in a sorority, the last thing you want to do is piss her whole chapter off.

[Gusteau]

Originally Posted by TPA85

As a one-day-new pledge he's probably not living in the house. The guy he has an issue with probably IS.
If I had a new roommate move in and tell me to re-arrange my life to suit them I'd tell them to keep apartment hunting.
This isn't an issue of safety. This is a scorned ex-boyfriend who hasn't moved on.

I agree that his request that the brother not bring his girlfriend around is unreasonable. I do feel that your comment speaks to a systemic issue with how we treat the newest members of our organizations, troll or not.

[Blue Skies]

One of life's great lessons is that it is almost never all about you and your needs. This applies even if you are deprived, especially deserving, "have been through a lot," or have suffered some sort of personal tragedy.
People will care about your needs to a certain extent, but the reality is that they have perfectly valid needs of their own as well. And wanting your girlfriend to feel comfortable and welcome in your own home is one such valid need.

Learn how to deal. I would venture that a lot of college students have been through this situation -- I went through it myself, watching an ex date a close friend. They are both still friends of mine to this day (but broke up with each other a very long time ago.)

This is part of the reason why you always want to leave dating relationships on good terms, if you possibly can. That person may re-enter your life in the future in one capacity or another.

[thetalady]

SERIOUSLY?? Suck it up, buttercup.

After all of your whining about not getting a bid, being "super frustrated" and now "super uncomfortable," you actually got a bid.... and now less than 24 hours later you are COMPLAINING and trying to get him not to bring his girlfriend around? You don't have the juice to make any requests at this point. You are not going to get initiated with this attitide and will find yourself out of any brotherhood if you keep this crap up .

[amIblue?]

Here's how I feel about this thread:

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[Sen's Revenge]

Originally Posted by amIblue?

Here's how I feel about this thread:

Lololololololololol