How Moms Should Treat Their Legacy Daughters

[violetpretty]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I really don't see it being an issue in my geographic region ever.

Perhaps not in your lifetime, but I doubt you could say it wouldn't be a problem "ever". Though, by "region", do you mean the Great Lakes, the state of Michigan, your city, or your alma mater? I see it being a problem at a flagship state school like the University of Michigan in the future.

[gee_ess]

The issue of Super Legacies already comes up in recommendation letters. Often, a PNm is described as "the daughter of Kathy Kappa who was the chapter president in 1963 and still volunteers heavily in local alum chapter." It is another way to sell that pnm to describe the level of commitment that her alum connection has.

Regarding the legacy daughter mentioned in the OP: I can relate to the mom's statement, sort of. We are huge Razorback fans, generations of us have graduated from there. Our girls were not raised in Arkansas but have always known what an important role our alma mater plays in our lives. In fact, when they were asked by friends what college they planned to attend, the answer was "My dad says our scholarship is only good at the U of Arkansas." (Of course, the scholarship was dear old mom and dad, not an outside source). It was a joke, but hopefully no one was scandalized by the answer.

And when it came time for recruitment, yes, I told her all of the stuff I preach about on here because I really wanted her to be Greek, first and foremost. However, when it came down to pref night and it was between KKG and another house, I admit it, I threw all of that "go where you want" crap out the window. I wanted her to be a kappa. Nothing else.

Something happens to you when it is your daughter, at your alma mater, at your home chapter. Trust me. And it isn't always pretty.

[Barbie's_Rush]

Originally Posted by gee_ess

However, when it came down to pref night and it was between KKG and another house, I admit it, I threw all of that "go where you want" crap out the window. I wanted her to be a kappa. Nothing else.

Something happens to you when it is your daughter, at your alma mater, at your home chapter. Trust me. And it isn't always pretty.

Well, I think it is a little different once your daughter makes it to pref. By that point, it's obvious that she and the chapter have a mutual connection. I don't even know how an involved alumna mom can even manage to breathe under those circumstances.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by Barbie's_Rush

Well, I think it is a little different once your daughter makes it to pref. By that point, it's obvious that she and the chapter have a mutual connection. I don't even know how an involved alumna mom can even manage to breathe under those circumstances.

I think once a legacy comes to Pref, a mom's biggest concern is not so much if the chapter wants her (because she wouldn't be at Pref if that weren't the case), but whether SHE WANTS XYZ as much as mom wants it FOR her.

You've raised her around XYZ, she has been to more XYZ family events than she can remember, you've discussed what type of badge or whatever that you would get for her if she went XYZ, all that jazz.

You know that she has had a great recruitment and has felt a great connection to XYZ, but that she has also had a great time at her OTHER 2 houses at Pref. You talk to her or text her and all she says is "I had a great time. This is SO hard. Gotta go." You don't want to pressure her or ask her about it, but all you really want to do is ask "on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you think you want to be an XYZ?" lol.

And just as I've heard of moms being livid about their daughter being cut, I've heard of even more situations where mom is furious because Daughter preffed XYZ, but didn't make it her first choice, and got a bid elsewhere.

Often, I don't think parents realize that the choice to rank another group over mom's beloved XYZ is not an easy one, nor does it mean that she flat out "hated" them or anything. She just felt more at home somewhere else.

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

I think once a legacy comes to Pref, a mom's biggest concern is not so much if the chapter wants her (because she wouldn't be at Pref if that weren't the case), but whether SHE WANTS XYZ as much as mom wants it FOR her.

AEPhi's legacy policy states that if a legacy is invited to pref, she must appear on the chapter's first bid list. So if my hypothetical daughter preffed AEPhi and matched somewhere else, it's because she ranked "somewhere else" higher than AEPhi on her pref card. And I would deal with it.

It's very hard for a parent to let go of his/her adult child and recognize that the child is now an adult and will make his/her own decisions. Hell, my mother-in-law is still trying to control my husband's life, and he's 35. A daughter is not a carbon copy of her mother, and just because XYZ was right for Mom twenty or thirty years ago doesn't mean XYZ will be right for her daughter today.

[dgdramadawg]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Often, I don't think parents realize that the choice to rank another group over mom's beloved XYZ is not an easy one, nor does it mean that she flat out "hated" them or anything. She just felt more at home somewhere else.

This is so true. I remember that my sister was very worried going into prefs that she might have to rank her first choice over our mom's house. She had wanted to be a Kappa since day one of recruitment, but she didn't want Mom to think she was choosing Kappa over her own mother (even though Mom would have been okay about it). I think she was probably a little relieved to be cut by mom's house before prefs so that she didn't have to make that tough choice as a daughter. I can imagine it would be a much tougher situation for a PNM if her mom was insane/trying to push her chapter on her.

Update on the PNM from the OP: Did not see her or her mom today; perhaps they are on vacation? Anyway, whenever I get the chance to talk to her mom I will be sure to let y'all know how that goes.

[FSUZeta]

i was wondering if you would see them at church. i am anxious to hear how your discussion(when you next see them) goes. good luck!

[agzg]

To be truthful, I probably wouldn't pay my daughter's dues if they were attainable through part-time work or a work/study. But, that's just because it's what I did as a collegian.

If she went to a larger school with higher dues I'd consider chipping in but she'd definitely be paying a bit of it herself. That's just how I roll, though, with my dirty gross COR (not really COR) bid and my stupid noncompetitive, DEFERRED OF ALL THINGS (gasp) recruitment.

[gee_ess]

Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe that all legacies go on Bid List at #1. There is no way that a legacy can be higher at the nonleg house and not get the bid if she prefs the legacy house.

Now, if she puts the other house #1, and she is on their 1st bid list, she can get the nonleg bid that way.

And, of course, she can always list nonleg house #1, be on their second list and get her legacy house after all.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by gee_ess

Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe that all legacies go on Bid List at #1. There is no way that a legacy can be higher at the nonleg house and not get the bid if she prefs the legacy house.

Now, if she puts the other house #1, and she is on their 1st bid list, she can get the nonleg bid that way.

And, of course, she can always list nonleg house #1, be on their second list and get her legacy house after all.

I don't know if that's necessarily true for ALL groups. My chapter pledged a double legacy who preffed at her legacy chapter and put them first on her bid list. True story.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by gee_ess

Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe that all legacies go on Bid List at #1. There is no way that a legacy can be higher at the nonleg house and not get the bid if she prefs the legacy house.

I think that would depend on the individual group.

[tld221]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

I don't know if that's necessarily true for ALL groups. My chapter pledged a double legacy who preffed at her legacy chapter and put them first on her bid list. True story.

I have a hard time following the legacy/pref logic, so let me see if i understand this:

if a legacy PNM makes it through to pref, her legacy chapter HAS to put her on their bid list, like an automatic "you're in on our end, you just have to accept." regardless of where the PNM may rank her legacy chapter on her bid card. however, if the legacy PNM lists her legacy chapter 2nd (or 3rd...nth), that chapter has to wait until she *potentially* declines whichever house(s) she put before them.

if that's true (and im not sure if how i repeated it is correct), then AOII Angel is saying the double legacy put her legacy chapter first, declined the bid and went AOII, which would kinda be a slap in the face to the legacy chapter (and her relatives?)

or... you can just direct me to the "here's how legacies work in NPC" thread.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by tld221

I have a hard time following the legacy/pref logic, so let me see if i understand this:

if a legacy PNM makes it through to pref, her legacy chapter HAS to put her on their bid list, like an automatic "you're in on our end, you just have to accept." regardless of where the PNM may rank her legacy chapter on her bid card. however, if the legacy PNM lists her legacy chapter 2nd (or 3rd...nth), that chapter has to wait until she *potentially* declines whichever house(s) she put before them.

if that's true (and im not sure if how i repeated it is correct), then AOII Angel is saying the double legacy put her legacy chapter first, declined the bid and went AOII, which would kinda be a slap in the face to the legacy chapter (and her relatives?)

or... you can just direct me to the "here's how legacies work in NPC" thread.

Let me try to summarize: The claim is that legacies must be on the first bidlist for all groups. AOII Angel is suggesting that that claim is false because of a situation for a legacy for another group listed her legacy chapter as number one and AOII as number two and received a bid to AOII.

This suggests that although legacies are somewhere on the bidlist, they may not necessarily be on the first bidlist for all NPC chapters.

And we'd need to do a survey to find out for sure.

And bidlists look like this:

If quota is 5:

1. Ann
2. Betty
3. Cindy
4. Daria
5. Erica

6. Samantha
7. Jenny
8. Rachel
9. Pippy
10. Kathy.
etc.

If everyone on the first list wants them, they fill quota from the first list only. If Ann turns down her bid, they go to Samantha and so on.

[agzg]

It depends on the individual groups, chapters, number of legacies that go through recruitment on a given year or at a given school.

Regardless of legacy status, in most cases, if a woman is invited to preference round, she has made either the first or second bid list of a particular chapter. Then, a PNM ranks her own preferences, and bid matching happens (this is true for all women regardless of legacy status, and a legacy may not necessarily make the first bid list of her legacy chapter). A PNM does not necessarily need to list her legacy chapter on her preference card at all (ensuring that she will NOT be matched to that chapter).

Legacy status just means there may be some sort of extra courtesy extended to the PNM, and this varies from organization to organization and from campus to campus, depending on the competitive nature of the campus or the PNM (I mean, if she has three eyes and curses out a chapter member, she's probably not going to be invited back). Legacy status, if I'm correct, does not have to extend courtesy to preference.

ETA: I do think that anything beyond the general "legacy status" and hypothetical conversation treads on MS info, particularly where preference round is concerned.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by AnchorAlumna

I'd say the answer to more-and-more legacies and fewer-and-fewer slots would be expansion. No, the majority of PNMs might not be legacies to new groups, but there would be new groups to join for the Greek experience. And then they would beget their own legacies...and so on.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

This is almost as funny as the "Texas sororities are not having before-school rush" thread.

If it was this easy, all 26 NPC groups would be at all the SEC schools. However, as Sally Bowles so eloquently said, money makes the world go round. You have to have it in the first place, and unless the group is a super incredible success, it will be a long time before you recoup it.