Ex's and friends... forgiveness?

[AlethiaSi]

Ok... so long story short, my best friend ( "C", best friends, practically lived together, shared everything) is now with my exboyfriend ("J", we were together for over a year and ended on very amicable terms). He was friends with all of my sisters, etc but C and him were close. A month after we broke up, she called me and told me that they were together. In fact, they were together when I went to visit and he and I hooked up again. She forgave him .

My point is... it's been a year since I found this out. I've tried to talk to her, she still tries to email me and talk to me, but now I just can't. I hate her. I hate everything about her.

The worst part is, she hung out with my sorority so often, and was in grad school, that I nominated her to be an honorary sister. She's with MY sisters all the time, and it makes me so effing sick, and yes, she's still with him. My close friends that are sisters tolerate her... hang out from time to time and she goes to functions, formals and stuff.
I can't get past it, but I want to. I feel its this awful weight on my shoulders.

Has anyone been in this situation? I feel like I've tried everything, and I feel like I just might need time, but I feel it eating away at me and I'm wondering if anyone has been through this or has advice or to tell me to just shut up... idk lol... I think my friends are sick of hearing me talk about this!

[33girl]

Were they together before you broke up - i.e. do you think their relationship or its beginning was part of why you and he broke up?

If so, I don't think you ever could forgive her and you just need to go on and accept that she isn't part of your life anymore.

If not, give it time.

I had a "friend breakup" recently (which is chronicled, albeit discreetly, on GC) and people looking in on it would say "oh, it was over a guy" but the truth of the matter is - the guy was the LEAST of the problems - it just brought to my eyes that she was no longer the same person I'd been friends with and that she had never known the real me AT ALL, and when she DID get out of her bubble and find out who I really was, she didn't like me. That was worse betrayal than anything that could ever happen with any man.

[AlphaFrog]

It sounds like it's time to give up on her. There's probably too much resentment on either side (you at her for getting with him, her at you for hooking up with him after they started dating) for you to continue to be anything but cordial with her.

[Infamous12]

I'm with 33girl. If they were together just 30 days after you and him broke up - It makes me feel as though they were 'courting' before you were even officially single. That idea alone just doesn't sit too well with me.

And then the fact that she ever so graciously forgave him for hooking up with you.

It all sounds a bit too suspect for me. I'd chalk it up to just being cordial, in order to save face. Honestly, if you she was really your best friend - she'd never have been with your man...especially not that soon. Not to say that she wouldn't have those feelings, BUT that level of respect would restrain her from acting out.

ETA: And shame on him for poking between friends - so not cool.

[AlethiaSi]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I had a "friend breakup" recently (which is chronicled, albeit discreetly, on GC) and people looking in on it would say "oh, it was over a guy" but the truth of the matter is - the guy was the LEAST of the problems - it just brought to my eyes that she was no longer the same person I'd been friends with and that she had never known the real me AT ALL, and when she DID get out of her bubble and find out who I really was, she didn't like me. That was worse betrayal than anything that could ever happen with any man.

For me, this happened after all of this went down, and I tried to talk to her, and then I realized that I didn't want to spend time with her anyway, she was annoying, rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate to me and to my friends, but I felt like no one else could see it. After all that, some of them did.
In some ways, it is a worse betrayal. I'm sorry that you had to go through that 33 (and/or are still going through it) Friendships that break up for whatever reason still really hurt...

Maybe I wouldn't have come to the same conclusion if this hadn't happened... but I guess it did happen and I did see her for what she was. (a trashy boyfriend stealing hoe )

Originally Posted by Infamous12

I'm with 33girl. If they were together just 30 days after you and him broke up - It makes me feel as though they were 'courting' before you were even officially single. That idea alone just doesn't sit too well with me.

And then the fact that she ever so graciously forgave him for hooking up with you.

It all sounds a bit too suspect for me. I'd chalk it up to just being cordial, in order to save face. Honestly, if you she was really your best friend - she'd never have been with your man...especially not that soon. Not to say that she wouldn't have those feelings, BUT that level of respect would restrain her from acting out.

ETA: And shame on him for poking between friends - so not cool.

To both you and 33, I think they were courting before he and I broke up, a few sisters approached me about it, but I trusted them () and didn't think they could ever do that to me...
That makes me feel worse...

[33girl]

Originally Posted by AlethiaSi

For me, this happened after all of this went down, and I tried to talk to her, and then I realized that I didn't want to spend time with her anyway, she was annoying, rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate to me and to my friends, but I felt like no one else could see it. After all that, some of them did.
In some ways, it is a worse betrayal. I'm sorry that you had to go through that 33 (and/or are still going through it) Friendships that break up for whatever reason still really hurt...

Maybe I wouldn't have come to the same conclusion if this hadn't happened... but I guess it did happen and I did see her for what she was. (a trashy boyfriend stealing hoe )

The thing is, when she & I first started to have problems, I told my best friend some of the things she said & asked if I was overreacting. My BF went and said "I've never trusted her any further than I could throw her." Then everyone started coming out of the woodwork - it was like the time I broke up with my first boyfriend and everyone said afterwards that I was too good for him. I think they all thought that they didn't like her, but if I did it was OK...I've always been friends w/ people who don't get along w/ each other. I don't think any of us realized how treacherous she could be.

She just isn't in my life anymore, and while a childish part of me would like to "have it out" with her because we never really did, I honestly don't miss her (as in talking to her or doing things w/ her) at all. She betrayed my trust so much that I wouldn't feel comfy saying more than "hi" to her, and we had less in common as the years went on. It just got pointed up when I met people I clicked with immediately & felt like I'd known forever. I got through it and so will you. **hug**

[fyrnymph]

I don't understand the "honorary sister" thing. Aren't you either a sister, or not? Regardless, there's not much you can do about that without looking petty.
It's tough, but count your blessings - you found out their true natures before you invested any more time in them. I don't think you should worry about either of them. They both have demonstrated they don't give you the consideration you deserve. If you can work to a place where you can forgive them, good. But that doesn't mean you have to associate with them, or even like them.
Best of luck - I've had friends turn out to be real backstabbers. It's no fun, but I hope your good friends and sisters can support you.

[texas*princess]

Originally Posted by fyrnymph

I don't understand the "honorary sister" thing. Aren't you either a sister, or not? Regardless, there's not much you can do about that without looking petty.

I believe she may be referring to their version of AI since the OP said the other person was in grad school and she was "nominated" (like the NPC AI process)

Regardless, they are both awful people for doing that to you I'm so sorry you are having to deal with such a difficult circumstance.

I think the best thing to do is move on. Trust me, I know that is so much easier said than done because she is always there, but that overwhelming feeling of ickyness will not go away immediately.

I don't know if I would ever be able to fully forgive that ... or if I would even want to.. because when you forgive someone, you pretty much have to forget it ever existed for things to be the way they were before... and for me personally that would be very hard.

I think in the long run, you just have to shake it off .... they are both bad people and they probably deserve each other for that.... and like someone else already said, better you found out now, rather than way later down the road and you shouldn't have to waste any more time on them.

[AlethiaSi]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

I believe she may be referring to their version of AI since the OP said the other person was in grad school and she was "nominated" (like the NPC AI process)

Thanks Texas*princess for clearing that up lol you're pretty much right, its very similar, we don't do it often but the system is there if it does happen. I guess kinda like AI lol

[Fawn Liebowitz]

Moving on...so much easier said than done. At least you admit your negative feelings toward her. The only thing is, you said your breakup with him ended amicably; it still takes two to hook up. If you're going to resent her for it, at least give him partial "credit" for the situation.

[TrojanWoman]

Originally Posted by 33girl

The thing is, when she & I first started to have problems, I told my best friend some of the things she said & asked if I was overreacting. My BF went and said "I've never trusted her any further than I could throw her." Then everyone started coming out of the woodwork - it was like the time I broke up with my first boyfriend and everyone said afterwards that I was too good for him. I think they all thought that they didn't like her, but if I did it was OK...

this statement is so true. when my long-term boyfriend and I broke up, my good friends had me over for dinner the next day and 30 people showed up to celebrate that I had "woken up".

To the OP, I think that only time and distance will heal your heart, but the fact remains that you may never have a relationship with these two again, and it is probably for the better. One of the hardest things I have learned growing up is that sometimes we are badly hurt by people we care about (friends or significant others) and the best way to handle it is to move on with your life, without those people in it.

Some relationships are worth fighting for, and some just are not.

[James]

Poking between friends . . . hmm . . interesting way to put it lol.

Originally Posted by Infamous12

ETA: And shame on him for poking between friends - so not cool.

[AlethiaSi]

Originally Posted by James

Poking between friends . . . hmm . . interesting way to put it lol.

You WOULD say this. lol

[Fleur de Lis]

I would write a letter to the friend, saying EVERYTHING you want to say to her and the ex, then burn it. I have done this and feel so much better afterwards. It's really important that you let go of this weight on your heart, because you are the only person it is hurting. So try to forgive her for yourself. In my experience, people like this tend to get "found out" by everyone, so just give it some time, and I bet the sisters will also see her true character.

[texas*princess]

Originally Posted by Fleur de Lis

It's really important that you let go of this weight on your heart, because you are the only person it is hurting.

Just had to emphasize this.... ^^^