Advice for newlyweds?

[sherbertlemons]

So, I'm getting married next Sunday. We just went and got the marriage license yesterday, and I have to say that it's just now starting to feel quite real. I'm starting to get butterflies!

I would love it if all you married GCer's would share your best advice about marriage. What surprised you about being married? What do you wish you had known going into it?

Thanks!

[NikkiB]

I'm not married, but if you're incorparating Kappa into your wedding at all, I'd love if you messaged me and let me know what you did. Always interesting to hear.
Good Luck and Congratulations!

[REE1993]

We are celebrating our 10 year anniversary in October.

The things that I wish I knew...

1. Marriage is never perfect. Never.
2. Communicate openly but fairly. You are not mind readers.
3. Understand that you are bringing 2 individuals into the relationship, and that you both need to maintain some individuality in order to maintain the relationship.
4. Never buy anything expensive without discussing it first. Do your bills together, talk about what's reasonable to spend without "checking in", etc., and what merits a discussion.
5. If possible, have 3 accounts - yours, his and "ours". Put the same small amount each week/paycheck into each of your individual accounts, from which you can use for any purpose, and the rest into the joint account to pay bills and into savings.
6. If you both work, you BOTH split chores. Start doing this from the beginning. Make a list. IT sounds silly but do it now or in 10 years you will be fighting that you do 90% and he does 10%.
7. Talk about plans for the upcoming week/month and update your calendars at the same time. That way no one can say "you never told me".
8. You two are your own family. Parents, siblings, etc. will try to pull you into different directions, and take sides. Develop your own "side" ... "the two of us against the world" mentality.
9. Fight... fairly. If people tell you that they never fights with their spouse(s), they are lieing. Don't swear, call names, or blame. Speak in terms of "I feel", not "you did XYZ". Think about what has upset you - is it because he went out with his friends last night, or is it that you had a bad day and needed him to chill with you?
10. Don't listen to other people. Don't discuss very personal stuff with other people, unless it's your therapist, or you are being abused mentally or physically, or at least it won't get back to him. (lol)

Good luck, I wish you the best in your lives together. A lot of succeeding at marriage is trial and error, and mostly, communicating.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by REE1993

1. Marriage is never perfect. Never.

Good luck, I wish you the best in your lives together. A lot of succeeding at marriage is trial and error, and mostly, communicating.

I want to highlight these points, and add that it's not perfect OR easy, no matter WHO you're married to. It's a lot of work and like all things in life, you get out of it what you put into it.

[BaylorBean]

We just celebrated our 1st anniversery yesterday!

My biggest advice is to support your spouse to the fullest. We started our marriage in not the best circumstances (I had lost direction in life/job two weeks before the wedding) but we were there for each other and got through it. Being open with each other is key.

One thing that I kept hearing was how much things would "change" once we got married. We never found this to be the case. Marriage didn't "change" anything for us. The only thing it did was make my family more accepting of us since we were no longer "living in sin"!

Good luck and enjoy every moment of it!

[KSigkid]

I'm about a month away from my second wedding anniversary. Don't stress yourself out, and if you have disagreements, don't involve friends/family/anyone else in them. Keep things between the two of you, and it will be easier.

I agree with BaylorBean that things didn't "change" so much for my wife and I after marriage. We had been living together for a couple of years before we got married, so it was really just a continuation of things (but for the religious significance, etc.).

Also, if things aren't going well, don't get preggers to fix it. Kids don't fix problems, they worsen problems that are already present.

Other than that, congratulations, marriage has been great for me, hopefully it will be the same for you.

[xo_kathy]

Congratulations!

My first piece of advice is about the wedding day - do not let little things bother you. Just have fun and enjoy the day!

I agree with a lot of what everyone else said. There was no "big change" for us, either. So don't be worried if you don't feel something new or different.

But it is work and things will so not be perfect.

Communicate the best you can with each other.

Remember that neither of you is going to change for the other (nor should you have to). If he (or you!) had annoying habits/issues before the marriage, they aren't going to change b/c you are now married. You just have to decide to suck it up and deal. But you also have to realize when it's time to compromise (or push him for a compromise).

Best of luck in your future together!

[KSUViolet06]

I'm not married, but at my grandparents' 50th anniversary, my grandma said something about marriage that is worth repeating:

"You will always love him, but there will be days where you just don't like him very much. "

[lauralaylin]

Enjoy and appreciate the time you have before you start a family. I have a great relationship with my husband, but it certainly changed after having my son, which I wasn't prepared for at all. I really took for granted my independence back then. Make sure you go on lots of dates, travel, etc while you can because life gets a lot harder afterwards (at least for most people!).

Congratulations! I hope you have a wonderful wedding and great weather too!

[James]

Congratulations I missed the thread where you were engaged.

The best immediate advice I got from some long term married people was don't have children until you have been married 3 years at the very least, preferably 5.

But this advice is from people married a couple decades so who knows how relevant it is.

Originally Posted by sherbertlemons

So, I'm getting married next Sunday. We just went and got the marriage license yesterday, and i have to say that it's just now starting to feel quite real. I'm starting to get butterflies!

I would love it if all you married GCer's would share your best advice about marriage. What surprised you about being married? What do you wish you had known going into it?

Thanks!

[Educatingblue]

Ree1993 gave excellent advice!

I will be married 2 years in November. Here are some things that I have come to embrace:

1. Always put on a united front because some people will look for any hint of trouble and try to prey on that

2. Always be supportive and understand the other person's point of view

3. Think and talk before making any big decisions/plans. I do have a tendency to blow up or make split decisions before really thinking

4. Definitely set aside a time that is just for the 2 of you to do things (if you make plans in advance to do something whether a date or a holiday, keep it!

5. Stay involved with other positive people (they don't have to be saints, but do not allow other people to get you into trouble) Just because you are married does not mean you cannot hang out!

6. IN-LAWS...if you have problems with them definitely put all of this on the table and do not "pretend" you love them to death when they do things that annoy you..just be civil and thank God you do not have to see them everyday (I am still working on this myself )

7. Someone else mentioned putting off children and it is well worth mentioning again. We are waiting 5 years and several of our friends who got married around the same time we did have new babies and are really struggling being newlyweds with all of that responsibility. Be resonsible with your family planning whether it be Natural (NFP) or any other method

[AlexMack]

I love this thread, it may be the most useful one yet in D&R.

[LeslieAGD]

Hubby and I will be married one year in July. My advice...

1. Talk about money and financial decisions often. Even if you've already agreed about how you will handle things, discussing it again will make sure you are still on the same page.

2. Keep a dry-erase calendar on your fridge so you can both clearly see what events and plans are going on throughout the month. Then, there won't be arguments about "you didn't tell me" or double plans.

3. Have date nights or days where you make time to spend together alone. You may not care now that he/she is spending a night a week with the guys/girls/family...but after a while you might start feeling like there's no special time for you.

4. Discuss having children and make sure you both agree on a timeline. I suggest waiting a year so you can get used to each other; more if you haven't lived together before marriage.

[aephi alum]

Congratulations!!

Communication is key. Talk to each other. I hope you've already spoken about the big issues like religion, money, children, etc. Keep talking to each other about those issues, and about the smaller issues like whose turn it is to do the dishes or mow the lawn.

Don't let your parents or anyone else pressure you into anything you don't want to do. You are under no obligation to live down the block from them or make them grandparents or be a SAHM. You and your husband work out what's right for the two of you. Parents and siblings get voice but no vote.

Time alone with your husband is very important. Date nights are a great idea. If you have kids, get a babysitter. A couple I'm friends with has a standing arrangement with a babysitter every Saturday night; if they don't have plans to go to a party or have dinner with another couple, they go out for dinner together, just the two of them.

Congratulations again.

[AKA_Monet]

I agree with everything said... To add:

I've been married 4 years since May 16th.

What I have learned about "being married" and the "marriage" that I wish I known before: the money: His, yours and "ours" like REE said, it is wise to see a financial advisor too. That helped us tremendously. Financial goals are important for big ticket items: house, furnishings, children, etc.

The other thing like someone else pointed out is "in laws". You don't have to be their very best friend and you can never prove yourself to them if they do not appreciate you already... The point is, your spouse is the ONLY opinion that matters...

And if you have some difficulty, or bumps along the way like everyone does in various ways:

Please read John Gottman books before you run away. And I personally like Gary Chapman. You realize that everyone had tough marriages at some point. But what makes it lasting seems to be folks attitude with one another grounded in love.

You never know how naked and vunerable you are until you are married... If you marry a good man, which I hope so, he will uplift you beyond all insecurities.

Have a wonderful wedding and a great marriage!