A big thank you to this board.

[anonymouse17]

I wanted to thank everyone on this board.

The way you all communicate with eachother and stand up for eachother has brought me back to recognizing and being a proud brother. I can walk again wearing my letters proudly. I lost that feeling after a major falling out. And I wanted to share with you all what happened.

To share my story:

I pledged/crossed in Spring 2012. I am out of shape. But I try my best to be active or atleast remain active. And so for the most part, while I was at school, I often wore compression shirts and shorts (spandex-like clothing). I also wear it cause of a medical reason. the pores of my skin is quite sensitive to thick cotton, so when I sweat, the cotton could scratch my skin and cause my pores to bleed, the dri-fit material helps stops the bleeding cause the sweat is wicked away.
A few brothers began to make jokes about the attire and question why I wore it. The jokes didn't bother me at first and I did explain why I wore it.. But eventually more people began doing it and people kept asking me why I wore it, or specifically why I couldn't wear other clothes over it. Which I felt I didn't need to.. Eventually it became "the straw that broke the camel's back" in Fall 2013 and so I contacted the chapter advisors to put an end to the mockery.
They replied and assured me that the jokes would stop. But they also stated that there are "individuals" who have complained about my attire. They stated that the individuals have complained that it makes them very uncomfortable to the point that they have avoided events because I was there in the clothes.
I responded by asking if the issue is with the attire or me wearing the attire. And they stated its me wearing the attire, specifically the shorts with the bulge area (yes I am male if you are wondering).
I was upset and so I responded that there is no dress attire at our fellowship events like movie night, board game night, interview night, and so on. When we are doing service events, I do dress up and cover up. However, my shorts goes down to my knees. My shirts have sleeves. There is no cleavage showing, no excess skin. There is no profanity. No gang material. And there are other brothers who also wears similar attire. I listed nearly 10 names. There is even one brother who was topless at a pledge retreat. I told them that I feel this is discrimination because its targeting me for being a male.
Some of the brothers wear tubetops, spaghetti straps, mini skirts and so on. It doesn't make a noise.

But when I wear my shorts. it makes people uncomfortable. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't even target everyone who wears the attire, it specifically targets me.

The advisors replied that they cannot comment on discrimination. They attempted to cool the discussion down, but instead they fanned the flames when they said "We have made it clear to the individuals that you did not mean to make them feel uncomfortable."

It upset me because it still played it off as if they were the victims, when really. I didn't do anything. I addressed the issue once more saying that if it was an action that was innapropriate then yes I will take full responsibility. But because this is about an attire. I will not stand by and ignore it. It targets me, pointed at me. and made the statement that "individuals avoided events because I was there in my attire." I didn't do anything wrong. They are not the victims here. I am being pointed at for making someone uncomfortable when I didn't do anything to begin with. It's wrong, its discriminating. it's unbrotherly.

They gave me the same reply about not talking about discrimination.

I told them. This is upsetting, its unbrotherly to treat a brother this way. This is not leadership, nor friendship, or service. I said I'm getting outside opinion on the matter before discussing further.

They replied that it sounds like a great idea to do so.

I asked several brothers and it revealed. Nobody wanted to stick up for me.

I asked one of my pledgeparents (i had two, I asked the one I was closer to) -
I specifically asked, does he think I did anything wrong? and he said, "It depends." I asked what does it depend on? and I repeated the same thing about action versus dressing up. and he wouldn't respond.

I asked one of the namesakes (we had two, I asked the one I was closer to) -
She said the same thing. "It depends." same response.

I asked both my bigs. -
Big 1 said if he didn't know me he's be uncomfortable. But even if he knew me, he wouldn't say anything.

Big 2 said it's not a big deal. Just let it go.

So my next course of action was to not let it go. I asked my bigs if I should bring this discrimination issue up with the ones in charge of all organizations on campus.

Big 1 said that he hopes I don't do it. I could tarnish the fraternity's reputation and really put us in a bad spotlight.

Big 2 said it's not worth it, just let it go.

I told them. It's not about worth. I wanted to set an example, to show that I will not sit back and be discriminated because of who I am or what I wear. I specifically stated I am a brother, this is where you see my leadership, I stand up for others and refuse to be bullied. I am a friend because not everyone will be able stand by others. Hopefully this creates a spark so no future brother experiences this. And I am doing service by promoting equality and standing up against the injustice of social norms and double standards. I am doing what I feel, A brother should do which is stand up and make a difference. Not sit back and let people bully and make a mockery of others.

They kept the same stance, refusing to even see my reasoning.

So I went through with it.
I met with the then president of the chapter and she gave me what felt like a backhanded compliment stating that "she applauds my courage to speak up, however, she wished I spoke up sooner when the jokes first appeared so we could deal with it then and not now."

She assured me that at the advisors meeting, all the advisors that were there agreed to context in the email before sending it to me. I was asked how we could come up with a solution. I said that we can have agreed upon rules about dresscode and make it fair to everyone. Either we all can wear something or no one can. And also address the chapter about discrimination and this kind of unbrotherly treatment.

The president agreed, so did the lady in charge of all organizations on campus. I was asked by the lady what I wanted to do next, whether to fully do the report on discrimination or to let it go. I told her, I wanted to make a change. to let it be known that this behavior is unacceptable. I don't want others to be picked on the way I did.

And so. a full out investigation occurred. In the end, nothing was done. The school said I wasn't discriminated based on a "protected status" so there was no discrimination involved.

I was upset. I was annoyed. I didn't want the chapter to be shut down. I just wanted them to be told by someone else, how they handled the situation was wrong. Some brothers began saying I betrayed the brotherhood. They said I was a traitor, unbrotherly. I wasn't a leader, a friend or doing anyone any service.

I ignored it for the most part then I had one final talk with a brother I was close with. I addressed to her that, all this could've been avoided if they didn't tell me that someone avoided events because of my attire. It should already be a red flag that I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't break any rules, I didn't purposely make someone uncomfortable. I just wore plain clothes and some brothers decided they were against me and only me wearing compression clothing. Someone else felt they were victims, and the advisors did not address it any different. It could've been easily stopped by addressing that I just wore clothes, I didn't perform any actions. But instead it was worded as "I didn't mean to make them feel uncomfortable." - the only brother I still keep in touch with.

I felt there was no leadership, no one else stood up when action was needed they all just sat back and let the issue blew up. There was no friendship, people easily turned their backs on me, my pledge parent, namesake, bigs, and the other brothers who said the stuff at the end. There was no service being done whatsoever, not to our chapter, not to our campus, community or country.

So I went dark. Locked up all my APO stuff in a box. If someone asked, I acknowledge I used to be in a fraternity. I never acknowledged the name or that I am in one. I felt that the chapter didn't stand up for what we preached about. Our Cardinal Principles were just words. It wasn't something I wanted to be a part of or even be recognized a part of. I stand up for what I believe in and would rather practice what I preach.
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So here I am. Almost 2 years later after it initially began. After hearing your discussions and seeing how supportive you all are to eachother. It sparked the brother in me to come out. It still stings, it'll take more time to acknowledge that I am a member of the chapter again. But for now, atleast I'm a proud member of the fraternity.

I don't know who all was involved. I was only given a few names. It didn't matter who the names were. I just wanted to address the issue that I was being pinned for making someone uncomfortable when I didn't do anything. Truly, I felt. i was the victim, but no one else felt that way. Of course, I did end up having to sign an agreement that I wouldn't respond in any way that would be "retaliation" over the results of the investigation. Which I have no problems with. The fraternity didn't do anything wrong, it was the people and how they responded.

I went back recently to meet the newer brothers. And they are great people. A lot of respect was shown. Brotherly welcomes and everything. Kind of makes me feel happy and want to go back. So I may give it a shot next semester and be a brother once more.. baby steps with this one.

I don't hate the fraternity. I love it still. But those few people who treated me that way, it made it hard to want to be a part of the chapter again knowing that some are still involved and are leading the fraternity as Presidents, pledgemasters, and advisors. It put a sour taste in my mouth and on the fraternity as a whole. But slowly, the bridge is forming again.