But I'm Perfect! (a Recruitment Story Parody)

[peppermint23]

Hello dear friends. So I'm a creative writer, and in between working on my current project (or attempting to ), I like to dabble in some side projects for fun. A lot of us love recruitment stories - myself included - and this forum has a wonderfully snarky sense of humor when it comes to the, shall we say...less-than-desirable PNMs. Of course, reality is heightened here and this isn't about anyone in particular, it's just for fun. (Though you may recognize certain traits and incidents from your own experiences )

So if it's okay with everyone, I'd like to write a Recruitment Parody titled But I'm Perfect! for your reading pleasure while we await new, real ones.

I hope you guys like it.

But I'm Perfect!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi y'all! My name is Angel. So I go to a southern school where rush is SUPER competitive. Luckily there are like 17 sororities so I'm pretty much guaranteed a bid, right? I mean, at least ONE from the Fat Houses or Fuglies.

A little bit about me: I'm thin, tall, gorgeous and I come from an excellent family. My mom is a doctor and my dad is a famous lawyer (okay, so my dad actually drives an ice cream truck past the local pool on Sundays and my mom sits at home smoking weed and watching Maury all day, but ssshh don't tell the sisters! First impressions are everything!). I want to be in a top tier house and I'm pretty sure I will because well...I'm awesome, sorry!

Gosh I'm like so excited to tell my story! I have amazing writing skills so I'm sure y'all will be dazzled by my wit and charm (jk! not really...sorry I'm not sorry!) The first big event we had was Meet the Sororities. I showed up wearing my one-of-a-kind Prada evening dress and limited edition Ralph Lauren heels. I was shocked that so many girls were wearing jeans and t-shirts. What did they think this was, some kind of casual, FUN event?

Anyway, as soon as I had walked in and assessed the situation, I quickly walked past all the Fat chapter tables (I'll call them Little Miss Piggy, Oink Oink and Otter, because the last one is more Jenny Craig-diet overweight) and the Fuglies (so tragic) - some of the girls tried to say "hi" to me but I ignored them, I did NOT want to associate with them and I'd probably just end up texting during their parties anyway - and made my way over to the absolute #1 top tier sorority at our school. I'll call them the Goddesses. They're known for being intelligent, classy, and highly personable, so I'm sure I'll fit right in!

I instantly recognized one of the sisters because I'd been stalking their Facebook for the past month and photoshopping myself in all of their pictures. The sister was in the middle of a conversation with some fugly girl so I pushed her out of the way and extended my hand. "Nice to meet you!" I squealed, showing off my beautiful vocal abilities which would surely come in handy when I ended up as their Spirit Chair.

She hesitated before taking my hand, looking me up and down. She looked stunned and a bit taken aback, then frowned. I could tell she wasn't used to seeing someone that fit in so perfectly with her chapter right off the bat, and she was taking this precarious moment very seriously.

"Um...hi," she said. "You just knocked over a PNM."

I laughed and told her not to worry about it, gave the poor frumpy PNM a quick power pat ("Life's tough, get a helmet!" I quipped wittily), then laughed and laughed to show the sister how funny I was. She had this slow, dazed smile on her face and I could tell she was impressed with me. Remember ladies, first impressions are key!

After that I talked to a few more Top houses and then left early to get my beauty rest. Recruitment was bright and early the next morning!

Round I

God, first of all, it was soooo HOT today. I made sure to mention this over and over to my Pi Chi and group because God, why is their damn state so freakin' HOT, anyway? They just kind of stared at me and I realized they were probably used to the heat which had rendered them brain dead.

ANYWAY. The first house we saw was...ugh...no...Oink Oink. I couldn't believe I was letting my make-up melt off my sweating face to stand in the heat and watch their stupid door song. It was a trainwreck. They kept doing this weird CHANTING thing and it sounded like they were at summer camp. Honestly, didn't they know anything about sororities? You'd think they would, being one and all. (Though, maybe Panhel gave them misinformation to sabotage them so they'd only attract the dumb girls).

Predictably, the brain dead girls in my rush group ate it up and went inside the house full of smiles. Thank GOD it was air-conditioned in there. I made sure to compliment my rusher on their wonderful AC system the minute she met me. She laughed awkwardly and took me to sit down. Their couch was super comfy, probably because they spend a lot of time eating chips and they need a decent place to sit while stuffing their faces. I stayed alert for grease stains.

She asked me boring, predictable questions like Where are you from? and What's your major? and Why did you decide to rush? I nodded and answered "Yep" to every single one of them. She looked confused and we spent the rest of the party in awkward silence. Ugh, I hate bad conversationalists.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Stay tuned for more!

[chi-o_cat]

Originally Posted by peppermint23

"Life's tough, get a helmet!"

LOL!

[NinjaPoodle]

Looking forward to the next installment!

[AlphaFrog]

I know this is clearly labeled as a parody, but can we get a move to ChitChat Mods of the Super-Type Powers?

[TSteven]

Originally Posted by peppermint23

She hesitated before taking my hand, looking me up and down. She looked stunned and a bit taken aback, then frowned. I could tell she wasn't used to seeing someone that fit in so perfectly with her chapter right off the bat, and she was taking this precarious moment very seriously.

She asked me boring, predictable questions like Where are you from? and What's your major? and Why did you decide to rush? I nodded and answered "Yep" to every single one of them. She looked confused and we spent the rest of the party in awkward silence. Ugh, I hate bad conversationalists.

Funny!

[aephi alum]

So, Angel, do you have this "thing"? And at which round did you wear your pink sequined pantyhose?

[madoug]

Thank heavens! Bless your heart! My Pretty Princess will finally have a clear illustration of the tutoring I have been giving her since birth.

[peppermint23]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

So, Angel, do you have this "thing"? And at which round did you wear your pink sequined pantyhose?

Ummm, I don't know what you're talking about. And yeah duh, I have all kinds of pantyhose. I'm saving my pink sequined with cheetah print for pref night. What do you think I am, some kind of lowlife? I'm rushing a SOR-OR-A-TEE, remember? God you must be in a Fugly house or something.

But I'll get back to my story 'cause I know you guys are like DYING to find out what happened...

[peppermint23]

Originally Posted by madoug

Thank heavens! Bless your heart! My Pretty Princess will finally have a clear illustration of the tutoring I have been giving her since birth.

Aww you're SO welcome madoug! Bless her little heart.

[peppermint23]

So after the Awkwards we had a break and I met this frat guy across the street who was SO hot, oh my GOD. I walked right up to him and asked him which house he thought I should be in. He gave me the once-over and said - you're not going to believe this guys - "Honestly, you kind of look like a geed."

(That's GDI or GOD DAMN INDEPENDENT for those of who you don't know anything!)

He was teasing me!!! Obviously when a guy likes you he makes fun of you (teehee ) so I gave him my number as a personal favor and confidently walked away. You got to leave 'em wanting more, ladies!

Then...oh my God I can't believe it...it was time for the Goddesses! FINALLY. I asked my Pi Chi if I could just skip all the other parties after that because let's be real, I wasn't gonna end up anywhere else. She gave me this look like I'd just asked her if I could wear footie-pajamas to pref and then continued talking to the fugly PNM I'd just interrupted. I mean GEEZ, it was just a QUESTION. She's so not helpful. Can I request a new one or get like a refund for her?

We stepped in front of the Goddesses house, which was freakin' gorgeous (and had a pool and BBQ and balconies!), lined up in alphabetical order and watched them do their door song. They stepped out, looking like Vogue and Elle models, and their song sounded like angels singing in heaven. I had tears in my eyes at that point. I knew, this was where I belonged. This was where I was meant to be. I had finally found my home.

When we went inside I had the biggest smile on my face. The sister who rushed me had long, curly blonde hair, blue eyes and the most adorable outfit ever. I could tell it was expensive which made me like her right away. I was like, "Oh thank God, finally someone with style!" She just laughed (it sounded like a lovely tinkling chime) and we sat down to talk.

She asked me some boring questions because she had to so it didn't look like she was dirty rushing me or anything. I nodded sagely and said, "I'm ten steps ahead of you." I whipped out the piece of paper I'd been keeping in my bra and handed it to her. It was their house photo with me photoshopped in the middle. (I was covering a few semi-fuglies that no one would notice missing anyway). She looked at the image, her face going through a series expressions: confused, startled, visibly distraught.

I burst into tears because I could tell she felt the same way I did. "That's US!" I said. "Don't you see? And that's...(sniffle sniffle) supposed to be my leg but (voice cracking) but...it kind of looks like a squashed pickle..."

It was SO embarrassing to sob like that in front of her but I figured if we were going to be sisters she'd have to accept me for the emotional, sensitive person that I am.

"Is this a joke?" she asked.

I appreciated that she could recognize my charming sense of humor but I was a little offended that she'd asked that during such an emotional moment.

The sister got up, paper in hand, and walked over to her recruitment chair. They whispered in confidence about me while I wiped my tears away and re-did my frosted nude lip-gloss. My heart was beating so fast because I just had this feeling they were going to extend me a bid right then and there...

And then, you won't BELIEVE what happened.

[StargazerLily]

and in typical recruitment story fashion... we get left hanging.

[peppermint23]

Originally Posted by StargazerLily

and in typical recruitment story fashion... we get left hanging.

Ummm like no, I'm just super busy as President of my new sorority so it's hard for me to find time to finish writing this story.

But anywayy, if you really want to know, as I'm sure you guys are DYING to find out what happened next....

Basically, I was escorted from the Goddesses house and told to wait outside until the party was over. My Pi Chi said that this hasn't happened to a single PNM in the last 50 years of recruitment at my school, and shook her head.

I was truly blessed! The Goddesses just knew, and clearly didn't need to waste any more time with me. I expected my bid in my student mailbox that evening.

So the rest of the day pretty much sucked because after the Goddesses, all of the other houses were a letdown. The Fuglies houses talked a lot about sisterhood and were really nice and accepting and welcoming but like...not only was it a shame about their faces, their dues were so LOW. They clearly had their formals at Pizza Hut or something. I mean what could they possibly do with such a terrible budget?

Anyway, what happened the next day was such a shock. Like you seriously WILL NOT believe it.

[thetalady]

Cannot wait for the end, especially since you just let slip that you are the PRESIDENT already! You must be a super special little snowflake! I am majorly, amazingly impressed

[peppermint23]

Originally Posted by thetalady

Cannot wait for the end, especially since you just let slip that you are the PRESIDENT already! You must be a super special little snowflake! I am majorly, amazingly impressed

Thanks my mom always told me I was special and destined for greatness. Well...she was always high when she said it and probably quoting whatever Oprah episode was on what but whatever.

So for second rounds I got up early to do my hair, make-up, and drove to the Red Door Spa for a mani/pedi, seawater pearl hydrating facial, Swedish massage and collagen injection. It caused me to be a little late getting to meet my rush group because the stupid bitches at the spa were taking like forEVER to run my credit card, and so my Pi Chi (and entire rush group) was pissed at me but like, PRIORITIES!

"Seriously, you guys," I said. "Do you all want me to look and smell like a wet dog when I walk into these girl's houses?"

My Pi Chi rolled her eyes and said flatly, "Oh well, in that case, you holding up the rest of the rush group for the past half hour is completely and totally justified with a rational and reasonable explanation."

Ugh, what a bitch.

So anyway I finally got my invite list, which my Pi Chi made sure to hand me last. I opened it and it read:

Fuglies

I think I stood there in shock for a good minute or two. I couldn't believe it. This could not be happening to me. It was the one thing I had a feeling going in that MIGHT have occurred. But then I took a moment to reflect. Look Angel, I thought. You knew this might happen. You knew it was possible. Let's try and accept the fact that...

The computer had fucked up my schedule!

But lemme tell you, at the time I was NOT having it. I threw a HUGE fit complete with crying, screaming, and throwing random objects around the room at my rush group and stupid lazy Pi Chi. Now, being older and wiser, I probably would have resorted to crying and screaming only.

"How could you let this happen?" I wailed, tearing my invite list up on the spot and stomping all over it with my $500 Steve Maddens. "I am Angel van Burken, destined for greatness! My grandfather owns half the Red Hot & Blue's off of Route 365! And let me tell you, he is NOT going to be happy and y'all are no longer gonna be able to use ANY OF YOUR GIFT CARDS!"

My Pi Chi refused to speak to me anymore at that point (they really need to hire more sensitive people) so they had to get another one to escort me to the Greek life office so I could take it up with them.

I took a moment in the bathroom beforehand to finish crying, fix my make-up and do some deep breathing before I could go talk to the Recruitment Director about this horrible fiasco...that was totally their fault, of course.

The extra Pi Chi led me in and said she'd wait for me outside. I asked her if she could get me a Perrier while she was at it. She just looked at me kind of weird. Maybe they don't have those drinks around here.

I sat in the Greek life director's office and explained to her my dilemma. She was a decent-looking older lady with a bad dye job but surprisingly almost NO wrinkles for her age. She remained sympathetic-looking while I sniffled and explained the horrible mistake her office had made that would cause me terrible emotional distress and possibly nightmares for the rest of my life.

"I might even need a psychologist after this," I said in a shaky voice.

She nodded and took a deep breath. "Angel, I've heard about you. You're certainly a unique and uh...veracious young woman. And I'm sorry to tell you dear, but your schedule is not a computer mix up."

"It's not?" I asked.

"No, I'm afraid not. But it looks like you have a chapter that did invite you back. They are a wonderful chapter here and clearly saw something in you that they liked. I advise you pick yourself up and go make the best of it."

I nodded and cried a little more. It was horrible. I wondered what I did wrong, what I could have possibly said that made everyone - even the ugly fat girls - hate me so much! I mean I was everything a sorority girl should be...rich, popular, hot, and incredibly superficial. It was hard to take, but in the end I resolved that these girls were all clearly complete morons who probably would marry their first cousins in this redneck town anyway.

"You're right," I told the director. "I will go...to the fuglies house."

"Yes I think that's a wise deci- I'm sorry, the what?"

[dreamseeker]

lol.