HELP! Big/Little problems :(

[SunDevilGreek]

I recently transfered from the University where I was initiated, and since then my little (who I'm really close with) has been telling me that some of the girls in my sorority are trying to take her as a little now that I'm gone. When I took her, she was one of those girls that everyone wanted as a little. And apparently they still do.

It started first when her roommate suggested she take her (and then her roomie's big wrote on my little's wall "GRANDLITTLE!", like it was official), but then I found out there were a few girls that legitimately want her and have brought it up. I think for the most part people assume we're not that close because we have really different personalities.

I'm not sure there's anything I can really do about this, but what do you all think? I'm really upset about the whole thing.

[AOII Angel]

And this will effect your relationship how? You chose to leave your chapter. Let your little sis have whatever relationship she wants/needs in the chapter. Does she want an "adopted" big sis? This doesn't have to replace you, but you aren't there anymore. If she doesn't want a new big, encourage her to stand up for herself, but if she does, be the bigger person and give her the okay to move on. You can still be her "real" big sis without being jealous that she has another sister filling in for you now that you've gone. It's up to you to continue your relationship with her despite the fact that you no longer are an active part of your chapter, but you can't be mad that leaving has left a void for her.

[knight_shadow]

Swerving, but here's my $0.02

Several of the universities in my region are very transient, so there are often brothers that have initiated at different chapters. Even before social media sites exploded, it was still understood that XYZ is my little brother, even at a different school. Now, with FB and cell phones being so popular, it's not hard to keep in touch with your big/little, even if you're in different cities.

We have had brothers "adopt" littles, but this was more for fun (not an "official change" or anything). In the grand scheme of things, though, fighting for a big/little seems a bit silly.

[Always AlphaGam]

Originally Posted by SunDevilGreek

I recently transfered from the University where I was initiated, and since then my little (who I'm really close with) has been telling me that some of the girls in my sorority are trying to take her as a little now that I'm gone. When I took her, she was one of those girls that everyone wanted as a little. And apparently they still do.

It started first when her roommate suggested she take her (and then her roomie's big wrote on my little's wall "GRANDLITTLE!", like it was official), but then I found out there were a few girls that legitimately want her and have brought it up. I think for the most part people assume we're not that close because we have really different personalities.

I'm not sure there's anything I can really do about this, but what do you all think? I'm really upset about the whole thing.

When I was in college, I adopted my sister-daughter because her sister-mom left school for personal reasons the semester after daughter was initiated. We still saw her around and kept in touch, but she obviously was no longer coming to chapter meetings and events. I can't speak for my new sister-daughter, but I loved being there for her whenever she needed someone to talk to, decorating her door on her birthday, just being there for her.

Get over it. You made the decision to transfer and she's going to need sisters to turn to who are on campus. Don't expect her to burn a candle in your honor by living with that void of not having an adopted big.

[IrishLake]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

In the grand scheme of things, though, fighting for a big/little seems a bit silly.

Concur. Let your Little do as she sees fit. She can designate someone as a pseudo-Big. When I was an active, my Little, Dena, transferred after one year. Then my Twin Star, Melissa (we had the same big) dropped out for no apparent reason, and she left a little (Lisa) who was in the same pledge class as Dena. I became Lisa's pseudo-Big. Melissa was still her Big, and Dena was still my little, but for gifting and family activity stuff, I served as Lisa's Big. I spoiled her little, my pseudo-grand-Little Katie, rotten. Melissa and Dena were never offended.

[33girl]

There's a difference between pseudo-bigs for event purposes and going to the official family tree and changing where your name was/completely ignoring your real big's ever having existed. The first is fine and fun. The second is just straight up rude.

If she's doing the first, don't begrudge it. If she's doing the second, I would remind her that you transferred - you did not self-terminate or get kicked out of the sorority. If your big's a senior and she graduates, you don't get a new one. Is anyone else in your family line still in the chapter?

Your little, if she's truly as close to you as she says, needs to say "hey, I'm flattered, but SunDevilGreek is still my big, even though she's not here." She's not an inanimate object, she can't be "taken" if she doesn't consent to it.

[KSUViolet06]

Do you still see her?

If not, you have to understand that it is pretty crappy for a Little Sis when EVERYBODY has someone and she doesn't.

I get that rules are rules and maybe your chapter doesn't do the whole adoption thing, but you do need to put yourself in her place. Especially if she is a younger member (like a freshman or sophomore). When her whole class or age group is all "omg I love my BIGGG!!!" and you are nowhere to be found, it's natural to seek out someone to build that relationship with.

[RaggedyAnn]

It really sucks and it happened to me. I transferred to a different university and my grand-little was being initiated the month after school started. I had ordered flowers for her before I left and spent winter break making a little/grandlittle package that I sent before initiation. I also called as soon as school started to see how things were going. FB and email were not an option at this time, but I was taking my responsibilities seriously as a big.

My little and I were pretty close. In fact, one summer I had this overwhelming urge that I needed to call her. I had no idea why. It was July I think and we hadn't spoke all summer. (We lived in different states and long distance calling was pretty expensive at the time.) She had just got back from identifying the body of her cousin/best friend/roommate after a horrible car accident. We just had a connection.

I'm still not sure exactly what happened, but I think my little was jealous because I was taking on a second little. I got involved with the chapter at my second school and recruited my second little at the transfer seminar and she wanted me to be her big.

When she told me she was being adopted by my pledge sister, I was crushed. My other two littles suffered for it, because I never really let myself get that close to them. She just FB friended me a year ago, after 15 years. I accepted, but neither of us have posted on each other's wall to this day.

Pseudo or God-Bigs are a great alternative. I have a God-Big, because my Big decided she doesn't want anything to do with the sorority. I also have a Second Big from my second chapter, because I needed someone I could turn to when some things went haywire, but I never replaced my Big, even though she decided to leave. I still hope some day she will come around. I look for her on FB sometimes and am friends with by Grand Big and Great Grand Big.

The reason why I'm making this long post is so that you know you're not alone. It sucks and there is nothing you can do about it. Feel free to PM me anytime for moral support. Those who have never gone through this have no idea how painful it actually can be.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by RaggedyAnn

It really sucks and it happened to me. I transferred to a different university and my grand-little was being initiated the month after school started. I had ordered flowers for her before I left and spent winter break making a little/grandlittle package that I sent before initiation. I also called as soon as school started to see how things were going. FB and email were not an option at this time, but I was taking my responsibilities seriously as a big.

My little and I were pretty close. In fact, one summer I had this overwhelming urge that I needed to call her. I had no idea why. It was July I think and we hadn't spoke all summer. (We lived in different states and long distance calling was pretty expensive at the time.) She had just got back from identifying the body of her cousin/best friend/roommate after a horrible car accident. We just had a connection.

I'm still not sure exactly what happened, but I think my little was jealous because I was taking on a second little. I got involved with the chapter at my second school and recruited my second little at the transfer seminar and she wanted me to be her big.

When she told me she was being adopted by my pledge sister, I was crushed. My other two littles suffered for it, because I never really let myself get that close to them. She just FB friended me a year ago, after 15 years. I accepted, but neither of us have posted on each other's wall to this day.

Pseudo or God-Bigs are a great alternative. I have a God-Big, because my Big decided she doesn't want anything to do with the sorority. I also have a Second Big from my second chapter, because I needed someone I could turn to when some things went haywire, but I never replaced my Big, even though she decided to leave. I still hope some day she will come around. I look for her on FB sometimes and am friends with by Grand Big and Great Grand Big.

The reason why I'm making this long post is so that you know you're not alone. It sucks and there is nothing you can do about it. Feel free to PM me anytime for moral support. Those who have never gone through this have no idea how painful it actually can be.

Did you see how all of this was pointless? You both made the situation painful for no reason. You were mad because she got an adopted Big Sis....but you got a new Lil Sis. In the end, sisters are not trophies. They have needs and being completely militant about the Big-Lil relationship causes more pain and ruins more relationships. Yes, it's painful, but their are painful situations in all relationships. The important thing is to PRESERVE the friendship because 10 to 15 years later, wouldn't you rather be speaking to your Big or Lil sis than being able to tell this story?

[33girl]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

Did you see how all of this was pointless? You both made the situation painful for no reason. You were mad because she got an adopted Big Sis....but you got a new Lil Sis. In the end, sisters are not trophies. They have needs and being completely militant about the Big-Lil relationship causes more pain and ruins more relationships. Yes, it's painful, but their are painful situations in all relationships. The important thing is to PRESERVE the friendship because 10 to 15 years later, wouldn't you rather be speaking to your Big or Lil sis than being able to tell this story?

No one's being militant or looking at someone as a trophy. It's about being rejected - not rejected as part of a sorority, rejected as YOU - for reasons like transferring that are beyond your control.

If you wouldn't be deeply hurt by that, I don't know how else to explain it to you.

To say "oh well, she got a new big, you got a new little, everything's hunky dory" is kind of like saying "oh well, you divorced, he got a new wife, you got a new husband, why all the unnecessary pain?" Maybe that's a little much, but a relationship is a relationship.

[Barbie's_Rush]

I don't get why someone would get so worked up about this. She's not at the school or in the chapter anymore. They remain close, but they aren't able to do things on a daily basis. The little deserves to have a big there in her chapter and involved then and there. I think the big is being extremely selfish and treating her former little as an object. If this behavior continues, she's likely to not only lose her little, but destroy any kind of friendship they have.

[33girl]

Like I said, it depends on the degree to which this is being done. In the OP's case, it sounds like girls in the chapter are poaching and trying to push the little into it...which means THEY are just as, if not more, guilty of "objectification" as the big.

[Barbie's_Rush]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Like I said, it depends on the degree to which this is being done. In the OP's case, it sounds like girls in the chapter are poaching and trying to push the little into it...which means THEY are just as, if not more, guilty of "objectification" as the big.

Or just as likely that the little is wanting to make sure the big knows how popular and desired she is blah blah. It's just a stupid thing to get worked up over IMHO.It's not like she's still there and they're infringing on a current relationship.

[33girl]

The depth/importance of these relationships are different at every school and every chapter. If it wasn't like this in your chapter that's fine, but don't be dismissive.

[RaggedyAnn]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

Did you see how all of this was pointless? You both made the situation painful for no reason. You were mad because she got an adopted Big Sis....but you got a new Lil Sis. In the end, sisters are not trophies. They have needs and being completely militant about the Big-Lil relationship causes more pain and ruins more relationships. Yes, it's painful, but their are painful situations in all relationships. The important thing is to PRESERVE the friendship because 10 to 15 years later, wouldn't you rather be speaking to your Big or Lil sis than being able to tell this story?

Um, adoption is a cut off. She chose to end the friendship/relationship. If she chooses to reactivate it, I of course will always be there for her. It is a vow I took, but I am not going to make the first move and I don't feel adding me as a FB friend qualifies as a first major big move.

As for my new little sisters, I treated them well. I went to all pledge activities, gave gifts, took them out, visited after I graduated and even participated in a tradition that was a big no no at my old chapter. But, I can honestly say, my emotions were reserved and I never let myself be as connected. I was invited to both their weddings and even slept over one of their houses this year.From the outside, nobody would know the difference. I knew the difference though.

Originally Posted by 33girl

No one's being militant or looking at someone as a trophy. It's about being rejected - not rejected as part of a sorority, rejected as YOU - for reasons like transferring that are beyond your control.

If you wouldn't be deeply hurt by that, I don't know how else to explain it to you.

To say "oh well, she got a new big, you got a new little, everything's hunky dory" is kind of like saying "oh well, you divorced, he got a new wife, you got a new husband, why all the unnecessary pain?" Maybe that's a little much, but a relationship is a relationship.

Maybe it's because we're sisters, but you totally get me.

Originally Posted by Barbie's_Rush

I don't get why someone would get so worked up about this. She's not at the school or in the chapter anymore. They remain close, but they aren't able to do things on a daily basis. The little deserves to have a big there in her chapter and involved then and there. I think the big is being extremely selfish and treating her former little as an object. If this behavior continues, she's likely to not only lose her little, but destroy any kind of friendship they have.

In ASA, the primary responsibility of a big is to ensure the little has all the support she needs to get initiated. I did that. I also offered emotional support on a friendship level during and after pledging. I would have graduated in one year anyway. Do you feel that any time someone graduates that their littles should be adopted since they can't now be the head of the family on campus? Actually, it's not even that she was alone. My tree had 4 branches, thanks to my great, great, great, grandbig. My big (though not active), grandbig and great grandbig were all still on campus. There were cousins and aunts too. Maybe it is a GLO thing, or maybe it is that these relationships, as 33 mentioned, are just different on every campus.