Not getting along with a sister- help!!

[crissy1]

I'm having a problem with one of my sisters in my chapter. She has been an active for about two years now. Her first year as an active, she was never really involved, she didn't go to chapter, and was often on probation for missing mandatory events, so she didn't really have the opportunity to form relationships with a lot of sisters. I, on the other hand, have spent a bit of time with her because we are the same major and share many classes. We are VERY different people, which has never been a problem for me, but I've always felt somewhat uneasy around her. I try and be polite, but I think it probably comes off fake because to be honest, I'm a little afraid of her. She has been known to be fairly vindictive when things don't go her way (like de-friending girls on facebook for not inviting her to things or for "taking" the girl she wanted to be her little).

Anyway, this year she has tried to make a comeback and is suddenly involved in things, which is great. When we found out our "little sisters", I apparently got the girl that she wanted, and I think she's holding it against me. She seems to have made it her mission to leave me out of things. At first I thought that I was making it up in my head, but several sisters have told me that she talks to people about how she dislikes me. I have never been good at "girl drama" because I grew up in a house of all boys, so I tried to ask her about it and she just said, "no I have no problem with you. I'm sorry if you feel left out, but I guess I just forget to invite you to things". But its obvious thats not what is going on.

I'm trying to just ignore it and not be catty, but its really starting to wear on me. Its gotten to the point where I dont have fun at events she shows up at because I feel uncomfortable. At our date party, she went so out of her way to ignore me and make it obvious (she would come up and hug whoever I was talking to and not look at me) that my boyfriend was like, "who's the bitch who clearly hates you?" I don't want to go tattling on her, but I don't want to feel uncomfortable at events anymore. I know I'm not the only one who has problems with her (she sent our social chair an email telling her that she was doing a terrible job, and she told several of our New Members that they dressed slutty and that was not how we held ourselves).

I'm so sorry if this sounds bratty, or to bring my silly problems to this board, but I'm not really sure how to handle this situation and I wanted to bring it to other "greeks" for advice. Please help if you have anything constructive to say!! Thanks!

[KSUViolet06]

It's hard to give advice on these kinds of issues because we're only getting one side of the story.

Welcome to Greek Life. You are not going to get along perfectly with every girl in the chapter. Girls are still girls whether they're your sisters or not and there is bound to be some sort of drama at different times.

You don't have to love this girl just because you're in the same sorority. If someone is determined to dislike you, just interact with her as needed and leave it at that.

No one can make you feel the way you're feeling without your consent. If you're upset, you're the one with the problem.

You can't change the way she feels or how she behaves, but you can definitely change the way you feel and the way you think about her.

Ask yourself, is she really worth it?

[crissy1]

Originally Posted by OTW

No one can make you feel the way you're feeling without your consent. If you're upset, you're the one with the problem.

You can't change the way she feels or how she behaves, but you can definitely change the way you feel and the way you think about her.

Ask yourself, is she really worth it?

I guess that's really what I was asking- how do I learn to ignore it, or rise above it? I know I can't change her, but I'm having a hard time ignoring it myself.

[WCsweet<3]

I agree with what is posted. She can cause drama but ignore it, give no attention. If she talks behind your back, be yourself around the other girls and they will see that you aren't what she said. Be yourself as if nothing was going on and nothing should change just because the girl you describe is a brat. The other sisters will see and if it is as bad as you say it is, they have probably already noticed or will soon. Also, don't go down to her level, don't talk about her. I'm sorry for the mess.

[RaggedyAnn]

You say she's done a 360 and has really gotten involved in the chapter. It sounds like her feelings were hurt over the big/little situation. I'd work on mending the fence. When was the last time you invited her to go out somewhere? Are you waiting for her to say hi to you? She could be doing the exact same thing. There are always two sides to every story and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

[PM_Mama00]

I was, and have been, in the same situation... even as an alumni. After three years I've learned to ignore it and just have a good time. She won't get the better of me anymore and it feels good. Sometimes inside I hate that we don't like each other, but there's nothing I can do about it. You just have to throw up a facade and have a good time.

[ASTalumna06]

Kill 'em with kindness, I always say.

If you're nice to her (say hi when you pass, invite her places, etc.), but she's really determined to hate you, she'll get even more pissed off at you simply because you're "oblivious" to the fact that she doesn't like you. But she won't say anything because she's not going to flip out on you for being friendly. And if she talks to other sisters about you, what could she possibly say that's bad?

If you walk by her, give her a friendly hello. If she comes over to your group of friends and ignores you, make it a point to ask her a question or try to talk to her. If you show her it doesn't bother you, then there's a good chance it'll start to bother her more (if she's dead-set on making you miserable and shutting you out).

And if that's the case, you can't feel bad for her. That's just how she is, and there's nothing you can do about it.

[crissy1]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

Kill 'em with kindness, I always say.

If you're nice to her (say hi when you pass, invite her places, etc.), but she's really determined to hate you, she'll get even more pissed off at you simply because you're "oblivious" to the fact that she doesn't like you. But she won't say anything because she's not going to flip out on you for being friendly. And if she talks to other sisters about you, what could she possibly say that's bad?

If you walk by her, give her a friendly hello. If she comes over to your group of friends and ignores you, make it a point to ask her a question or try to talk to her. If you show her it doesn't bother you, then there's a good chance it'll start to bother her more (if she's dead-set on making you miserable and shutting you out).

And if that's the case, you can't feel bad for her. That's just how she is, and there's nothing you can do about it.

I actually DID try this, and got accused of being "fake". I think at this point ignoring her other than to be polite when neccessary will be fine. It's my last year, and I'm not going to let it be ruined by some girl who's pissed about my little. Because I freaking LOVE her. I really appreciate everyone's advice, and I'm glad to see that it's not something that's happening only to my chapter.

[adpiucf]

Don't ignore it. Confront it. You will feel a thousand times better.

I'd call her out on it. Before/After the next chapter meeting, pull her to the side and tell her you feel like you've been getting the cold shoulder from her, that you are sorry if you hurt her feelings in any way and want to clear the air. Talk it out like adults. If she can't be adult about it and blows you off, then she's not your friend and you shouldn't be sad she's not inviting you to outings she is planning. Don't waste time on people who are petty and who don't want to be your friend.

I have been in these situations before with friends. Honestly, this tactic helps. Women don't expect other women to be confrontational. They expect other women to take this passive aggressive form of bullying. Don't sit there and take it. I have never once regretted being the bigger person and bringing up the problem to the source. It has either resolved what was just a simple misunderstanding or it got that person to leave me the heck alone. All without yelling, cursing, or backstabbing. You don't have to be a super aggressive or talkative person to take this tactic. Every person, shy or not shy, can benefit from stepping up to the plate in this way.

Talk to her and get on with your life. Don't kill her with kindness. Just ask her what's up. It will be a little scary at first. You'll feel the adrenaline rush, and some nervousness, but you'll also feel incredibly empowered once it is through.

[agzg]

My #1 pet peeve is this type of passive aggressive behavior. Unfortunately, you can't force her to grow up.

I've been treated badly by sisters before, in fact there was one who made me cry outside a class building one day because of something that had happened in chapter the night before.

It took her a long time to grow out of that - but I'm glad she did. By the time we graduated, we were great friends. While she was mad at me, I just kept out of her way for a while. Sometimes you just have to mind your own Ps and Qs unless the situation takes a physical turn. Because you were more active in the chapter before - chances are you have some great friends that won't be swayed by her attitude.

[crissy1]

Originally Posted by alphagamzetagam

My #1 pet peeve is this type of passive aggressive behavior. Unfortunately, you can't force her to grow up.

I've been treated badly by sisters before, in fact there was one who made me cry outside a class building one day because of something that had happened in chapter the night before.

It took her a long time to grow out of that - but I'm glad she did. By the time we graduated, we were great friends. While she was mad at me, I just kept out of her way for a while. Sometimes you just have to mind your own Ps and Qs unless the situation takes a physical turn. Because you were more active in the chapter before - chances are you have some great friends that won't be swayed by her attitude.

ugh! I'm trying really hard- I was super polite at chapter today and even tried to complement her new chanel bag (she's one of those...) and she laughed at me when I walked away...and then, even better, she made a facebook invitation to a dinner/movie event this weekend and invited EVERY girl in our chapter and some alumi, EXCEPT FOR ME. This is getting ridiculous. I know I'm supposed to ignore it and I KNOW she's an immature brat but it still hurts.

[KSUViolet06]

I'm not trying to be rude, but really, what did you expect?

You said she didn't like you. Why would she invite you to do things or talk to you when you complimented her purse?

You can't let this sort of stuff get to you, it's so petty and dumb. She most likely WANTS to get a reaction out of you and make you upset.

Either you learn to ingore it, or you'll be upset at like every single chapter event.

Don't be rude to her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to be overly nice to her and compliment her. Sometimes you just have to stay out of peoples' way.

[crissy1]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

I'm not trying to be rude, but really, what did you expect? You said she didn't like you. Why would she invite you to do things or talk to you when you complimented her purse?
You can't let this sort of stuff get to you, it's so petty and dumb. She most likely WANTS to get a reaction out of you and make you upset.

Either you learn to ingore it, or you'll be upset at like every single chapter event.

Don't be rude to her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to be overly nice to her and compliment her. Sometimes you just have to stay out of peoples' way.

wow. I guess I'm the only person that expects common decency of people?
Obiviously I don't like her, but I'm not going to invite all 100+ members of my sorority to a movie calling it a "sisterhood event" and leave out a sister.
But I guess thats just me.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by crissy1

wow. I guess I'm the only person that expects common decency of people?
Obiviously I don't like her, but I'm not going to invite all 100+ members of my sorority to a movie calling it a "sisterhood event" and leave out a sister.
But I guess thats just me.

Ok, but this is obviously someone you have already said doesn't like you and is mean to you.

Surely you didn't expect her to be like "Oh let's invite crissy1 to go see a movie with us?" Probably not. You generally don't expect decency of girls who are mean to you.

Some girls might be the kind of girls who invite people they don't like to go see movies with all the other girls. This girl is not.

Like I said, all this Facebook drama is just to make you mad, and when you get upset, you're playing right into it.

This thread makes me glad I'm an alumna.