Getting Married Young- Why?

[Smile_Awhile]

I'm sure there's a thread somewhere buried on this, but I couldn't find it... sorry!

I'm 20 years old- and I'm starting to hit the age where it seems like people are seriously considering getting engaged/married. In the past four presidents of my chapter, three have been engaged during their presidency. I know of three or four couples who recently got married after graduating from college. It seems to be a trend of my university, in particular (for some unknown reason!).

Another one of my good friends (and sisters) is always talking about how it seems like we all marry so young around here! She has a total point- getting married at 22 has always seemed young to me, until I'm actually getting closer to that age. Now, I could see myself making that decision (provided that my boyfriend and I are still together in about a year). It does seem so young... but if you find the person, why wait? I feel like I've grown up a lot in the past three years, and I know that I'm going to continue to feel that way for the next few years- so when am I "grown up" enough to consider marriage? I've asked myself that a lot in the past year.

So- what are your thoughts? What age is "right"? Yes, I know this varies from person to person, but I want some more opinions.

[Alumiyum]

For me, the right age depends on when I can see myself really settling down for good, and that doesn't appeal to me at all at the moment. I did have a moment of insanity at 21, when my then bf and I discussed rings and such, but at the time I told him to hold off. My parents paid my tuition but were very clear that if I got married I would be a part of my own family and they would no longer offer any financial support. So for me, getting married while still earning my degree would flat out not happen. Period. I'm glad I had that hanging over my head because looking back, if I'd gone through with it I don't think I'd be happy. I take marriage very seriously and if I do get married it will be after a lot of serious thought and a long enough amount of time that we both know we really do want to take the next step.

A lot of girls get married pretty young around here, too. I think for some (and I'm not saying this is THE REASON they're getting married by any means, but...) the wedding excitement and exclamations over their ring blinds them to reality which is that the wedding lasts a day, but the marriage lasts a lot longer than that. Theoretically, anyway.

Then again, though my parents married young (22 and 23), they did it because they had been dating for 7 years and saw no reason to wait since they had both graduated. They've always made it clear to me that they don't give a damn whether I get married or not and that they strongly caution against getting married young unless there is some pressing reason, so I at least don't have any pressure from my immediate family. Extended family though...

ETA: Another reason I don't see myself marrying young is how hard my parents had it after they were married as my father was in a competitive law school on scholarships and loans and neither had any extra money...my mom couldn't get a steady teaching job since no one wanted to hire her when they found out she would only be in that state for fewer than 2 years, so she got by with substituting and working in department stores. That also meant she had to put off her own master's until they'd settled and had stable jobs. They got through it just fine, but I'm not sure I would (handling stress isn't one of my strong points), and for me going to graduate school is not an "if". I would rather just wait until I've gotten my master's and have a stable job.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

As you said, it depends on the person, but also career goals, life goals, etc. People going to graduate school tend to marry later; people who want kids right away obviously get married earlier.

I'm in your camp, though...I think that most people don't know what the real world is like until at least a few years out of college, and should experience life as an adult for at least a few years.

[sceniczip]

BF and I have been dating for 3 1/2 years and are both seniors now. We plan on getting married but probably not anytime soon! I will graduate in the spring and he will graduate in December. We want to wait to get married until we both have jobs and are sort of settled into them. So it would be 2013 at the earliest, we would both be 24 by then. I'm leaning more towards 2014 because I don't like 13 This is pretty much what my cousin and her hubby did too. They just got married this past April.
I have a sorority sister who was dating her husband since junior high and they got married literally right after college graduation.

[DrPhil]

<<After adding the necessary "in the old days" and "in other cultures" disclaimers>>

I exist in a subculture where the "right" time is after you've graduated from college and typically after you also have a graduate degree (or two). This has race, socioeconomic status, and gender correlates. How we were socialized and the timing is based on the process of what WE consider to becoming a more complete person. For us, being a more complete person includes having CHOICES. You can CHOOSE to be a stay-at-home parent/housewife/househusband but you don't NEED to be one due to dependency. In general, I don't believe in having to say "I wish I had" or "I wish I/we could." That's also why threads like "what do you WISH you did for a living" are very interesting to me but particularly if people had to put their dreams on hold for relationship or family. My family, friends, and I believe in accomplishing your goals and dreams before getting married and continuing to accomplish. If not, you could end up pissed as hell and resentful.

As you said, it's ultimately based on a person's own timing and the couple's specific dynamics. I only have one friend who got married early 20s. The rest of us, late 20s and 30s.

[Munchkin03]

I was convinced I was going to marry the guy I was seeing during my sophomore year in college. Most of us thought that we were going to marry our college sweethearts; ALL of us have moved on to the guy after that and the guy after that one. While it clearly happens, it's not as common as everyone thinks. Of the weddings I've attended in the past 3 years, only one was a couple who started dating while one of them was in college (they met the end of her senior year; he was a few years older). Even then, she went to graduate school and worked for while before they got married. The only other really successful college sweetheart marriages I know of, the couple knew each other in high school.

Some circles promote earlier marriage more than others. Frankly speaking, I think NPC/NIC Greek Life may put "pressure" on people to talk about seriously pairing up younger than the GDI population. There are mixers and candlelightings--who wants to be left out of that? Add to that regional correlates and stigmas about co-habitation, and you have the clear fact that a sorority girl from the South is much more likely to be married at 24 than an independent or NPHC woman who went to college on the East or West coasts.

The right age? Honestly, I think it's when you have an education and are somewhat established in your career. That could be 25 (probably not younger). That could be 35. I don't agree with getting married and starting a family before you can support yourself. Husbands can beat, cheat, and die--you never know when you might be on your own.

Personally, I don't intend on working after I have kids, but I know that I HAVE to work, I can pull a damned good salary and can take care of a family if it comes down to that. A 23 year old with an art history degree who married the first guy she dated in college doesn't have that same insurance. I hope I don't sound bitter--I'm just old enough now to see people my age getting divorced! Maybe those divorces could have been prevented if they had just waited a minute.

[AnotherKD]

While my parents were married at a younger age than I was (they were in their mid-20s), I think that they married due to a couple of things. They were both born and raised in the same town that they have decided to live the rest of their lives in and they were already putting down roots at the tender age of 20. I know that they were both in a more "adult" state than I was in their mid-20s. They were in a long-term relationship for years, while I was in grad school in another country, not sure where I eventually wanted to end up.

That being said, when I was in undergrad, I was in a 4-year-long relationship myself. I thought I was going to marry him. But, at the end of my senior year, I saw an opportunity for grad school that I just couldn't pass up, and now when I look back, I know that I changed a lot between college and when I was 28-29. I changed through jobs in the "real world", living on my own, and having other "adult" relationships. I'm married to someone else that I couldn't imagine being without, but then again, my parents are still married to each other as well. So even though we had totally different circumstances, we're all ending up happy so far. So I don't think there's necessarily a "right" age for this. All that I DO know is that no matter how much you may love a person, if there is something that you feel like you NEED to accomplish in your life that you may need a bit of freedom to do so, then you will more than likely have a tougher go of marriage if you get married before you accomplish said goal.

[BluPhire]

I don't know what is considered young, but I did get married young (early 20's) had a couple of years of life experience and felt I was ready to settle down as well as my wife. It's been 7 years and when people ask how we did it, we give the same advice everybody has said above. You gotta be sure that you are ready.

Our advantages is we did A LOT in our youth that people younger than us still haven't experienced. That doesn't mean that would be successful for everybody, but you gotta have at least an 80% understanding of yourself before you consider bringing somebody else in for the ride.

I tell young folks all the time when they consider making that step this,

"Men marry women thinking they won't change and they do, women marry men thinking they will change and they don't."

I know very general and more so humorous than factual, but when you actually think and ponder it, it will make you stop in your tracks if you thinking this person you marrying gonna be the same person 10 - 15 years from now after they get some life experience under their belt.

[TweedleDee199]

I've always thought that my parents are an interesting case study. They got married young. And I mean YOUNG. My mom was 19, only about a year out of high school, with just a few community college classes under her belt and had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. My dad was 23, right out of college and about to begin his first military assignment. They'd only been dating a year. Recently, they celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary. I've asked my parents about this time and time again and the commentary usually includes 1. Do not do what we did. Repeat, DO NOT DO WHAT WE DID. 2. Why the hell did anyone let us do that? and 3rd, what they consider their secret to success: low expectations. They always say it somewhat jokingly but it's entirely true. Right after their wedding they relocated from their hometown [Pittsburgh] to the middle of nowhere in upstate New York [Seneca]. My Dad had to leave about a month in which meant my mom was left in a tiny town where she didn't know anyone with a dog to keep her company. They made virtually no money for the first 5 or so years of their marriage. It was a testament to their maturity that they agreed to wait ten years to have kids, hit that mark and didn't feel ready, so I didn't come along for another 3 after that. Yep, 13 years of marriage before children. This philosophy is starting to make more sense to me as I get older. I'm now the same age my mother was and despite having had a steady boyfriend for 3 years I can't even begin to imagine making that decision right now. I know that if I or any of my friends ever did in the next few years then we'd be in for a hard run, trying to be married and in school at the same time. I don't understand how anyone could go into that WITHOUT low expectations. I think people expect too much from marriage right off nowadays, they forget that is perpetual hard work and not a continued wedding daze. I know that when I get married, a longggg ways down the road, I'll take that advice with me, knowing that the first few difficult years are in pursuit of the beautiful long lasting relationship that my parents have.

[Pirouette]

Conversation between my brother's girlfriend and a girl she works with at school. Note this girl is 21 and still has at least another year left before she graduates.

Co-worker: (showing off engagement ring) I know we've only known each other and have dating 2 months, but it's true love so why wait? We're getting married in 3 months! (looks at brother's girlfriend) You and your boyfriend have been for dating over 3 years, why aren't married yet?

Brother's GF: Um, I'm 19, he's 21, and we want to wait until I've graduated

Co-worker: But why? You love him right?

Brother's GF: Yes, but just because we're in love doesn't mean we're ready to be married

Co-worker: But if you're already in love, what else are you waiting for?

(The two continue to go around in circles for a while longer)

I had lots of friends who got married right after college and a few are already divorced. My now husband and I thought about getting married or at least engaged right after I graduated (mostly because it seemed like everyone else we knew was getting married then) but decided to wait until we both got settled in our jobs. A few years later he proposed and we got married last June. I'm so glad we waited until we were sure we were ready to be married and can financially support ourselves.

I'm not saying everyone should wait (my mother and father got married right after she graduated college and they were married til death did them part, but they had been dating for almost 3 years), but honestly I think people who date longer have a greater chance of success.

[PiKA2001]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

How we were socialized and the timing is based on the process of what WE consider to becoming a more complete person. For us, being a more complete person includes having CHOICES.

Different strokes for different folks..

In my little "world" people don't get married until after college and landing a career, or at least a steady job. I can only think of a few people in my social circle back home who got married in the 21-24 age range, for most it was/is between the ages of 25-30. I considered the latter normal. When I moved to TX I noticed a lot of young married couples (same as when I was in the military) as well as the funny glance my way when people found out that I was 27 and had never married with no children. They thought it was weird I was 27 and unmarried, and I thought it weird that someone in this day and age would want to get married at 19. Even now at 29, only half of my peers from high school or college are married (thx facebook).

[thetaj]

I'm 20. I go to a really big church, and there are currently 10 COUPLES, not people, but couples, in my age group, about 18-22, who got engaged this year. My boyfriend of 2 years & I just broke up a month or so ago. We had talked about getting married after college, it was actually kind of the plan. And, as upset as I am about the break-up/having my vision of the future shattered, I am SO RELIEVED that we didn't get married already. Don't get me wrong, I loved this boy. I WANTED to spend the rest of my life with him. But after some fresh air and healthy flirting with all those other fish in the sea, I realize that there IS someone better out there for me. I recognize parts of our relationship that were unhealthy and over the course of several years would wear me out & break me down.

This probably sounds really scatter-brained, but I'm glad I can see now what I couldn't then. Now I feel like all of my friends who are engaged are committing WAY too early/young. The thing is, I only knew what kind of person I would become BECAUSE I saw my future with him. I never formed an identity/future apart from him, maybe because we dated from age 18-20, those vital years.. I honestly have no idea what I want out of life, out of myself, anything. I feel like everyone should figure that out before they find their "other half." (But I also realize that I don't know what will work for everyone, and I wish all of my friends the absolute best )

Anyways, I have said all of that to say... I won't be getting married young. I'm gonna take my sweet time and enjoy life for me.

(whew)

so yeah to everyone who witnessed that crap I put on the D&R random thread a month ago: happy? lol. (I am.)

[KSUViolet06]

I think some of it is regional too.

I'm a So Cal native, but I moved to Ohio.

I noticed that in NE OH, the average marriage age is like 22-23 (like, get engaged senior year of undergrad and married in the year following graduation).

In contrast, VERY few of my So Cal friends were engaged or married at that age. The average age is more like 27-30 (like, post law/grad/med school). The only people engaged/married before that were super religious types who were likely rushing marriage for sex.

Even more different is where my stepdad is from (rural AL). Most of his family got married at 18/19/20. I thought that was weird until he explained it to me. Many of the young people in the town are not planning to go to college. So shortly after graduation, they either head for the military or a factory/plant where they'll work until they retire. So it's no big deal for them to marry their HS sweethearts RIGHT sfter high school. They are settled in their careers and don't plan to do anything else. So most of the girls get married and start families early.

So alot of your marriage outlook depends on where you're from.

[knight_shadow]

There are several people in my immediate circle who are married (up to ~27 years old), and most of the marriages were out of necessity (children, etc). Most of these marriages are strained, so it's making the rest of us glad that we're waiting.

I'm 26 and won't even consider marriage until I'm in my 30s. If the right one comes along before then, we'll be waiting until we're older.

[PiKA2001]

Originally Posted by thetaj

I'm 20. I go to a really big church, and there are currently 10 COUPLES, not people, but couples, in my age group, about 18-22, who got engaged this year. My boyfriend of 2 years & I just broke up a month or so ago. We had talked about getting married after college, it was actually kind of the plan. And, as upset as I am about the break-up/having my vision of the future shattered, I am SO RELIEVED that we didn't get married already. Don't get me wrong, I loved this boy. I WANTED to spend the rest of my life with him. But after some fresh air and healthy flirting with all those other fish in the sea, I realize that there IS someone better out there for me. I recognize parts of our relationship that were unhealthy and over the course of several years would wear me out & break me down.

This probably sounds really scatter-brained, but I'm glad I can see now what I couldn't then. Now I feel like all of my friends who are engaged are committing WAY too early/young. The thing is, I only knew what kind of person I would become BECAUSE I saw my future with him. I never formed an identity/future apart from him, maybe because we dated from age 18-20, those vital years.. I honestly have no idea what I want out of life, out of myself, anything. I feel like everyone should figure that out before they find their "other half." (But I also realize that I don't know what will work for everyone, and I wish all of my friends the absolute best )

Anyways, I have said all of that to say... I won't be getting married young. I'm gonna take my sweet time and enjoy life for me.

(whew)

so yeah to everyone who witnessed that crap I put on the D&R random thread a month ago: happy? lol. (I am.)

You seem to have the right attitude about it.

You'll see as you grow that the things you think you want at age 20 aren't always the same things you know you want at age 30.