Going through changes

DaemonSeid · #1 04-25-2008, 08:05 AM

If you were dating someone and they asked you to change something about yourself, what would you do? How long would you have to be with someone before you actually consider it? Are there some things that are off limits that you know no matter what, you will not change about yourself and if they cannot accept it, they may as well leave? Has there ever been a time that you actually changed to please someone? How did it affect you and the relationship?

KSig RC · #2 04-25-2008, 10:48 AM

I'm a bit of a slob - I tend to organize my desk in piles, and I have a tendency to just clean enough clothes to wear. I would certainly change this (and likely will have to, at some point).

I joke around a LOT, and have a tendency to make AIDS jokes or whatever inappropriate thing enters my mind. It's likely not ideal, but I would never change anything like this for another person.

I think that's pretty much indicative of the line, as far as I'm concerned.

DaemonSeid · #3 04-25-2008, 12:18 PM

I was once asked would I cut my hair.

I wonder what she's doing nowadays....

KSUViolet06 · #4 04-25-2008, 05:30 PM

There are some changes that I wouldn't have a problem with, if they were like bad habits that I'd probably be better off without anyway (like biting my nails). If I had a serious boyfriend who wanted me to quit doing that, I probably would.

Then there are other things that are part of who I am that can't be negotiated. Things like my introverted personality. If I guy told me that in order for us to be together, we'd have to spend Thursday-Sunday at the bars with his friends, I would break up with him. It's just not part of my personality to go out every night. Or something that is the core of my life like religion, that's another thing I don't negotiate. I'm a Christian. If a guy was like "For us to be together, I want you to never pray, read the bible, or go to church again" I would tell him to kick rocks.

This whole issue is why it's SO important to spend time with a person BEFORE dating them. Go places with them as friends, meet their friends, and see what they're about. The more you know about a person before you date them, the less likely you are to face an issue where the 2 of you are on TOTAL OPPOSITE sides of an issue (i.e. he likes to go out and you know you hate it).

AKA_Monet · #5 04-25-2008, 07:00 PM

No matter what we all say, at some point, we make changes to ourselves when we are in a permenent relationship, i.e. marriage. Be it communication styles, small changes in our looks, the way we eat, drink and be merry and our friendships. Be it the "bad reasons" to change, massive plastic surgery and we pay to look like Barbie and he or she drops us the minute we accomplish the goal, etc.

I changed the type of man I dated before I got married. I usually dated the athletic wonders, special dark chocolate guys. I married a goof-ball nerd into his "gizmos". The nerds learn "things" faster... At any rate, I had to change my "self-destructive" behavior because it affect my physical health and I was grossly unhappy. When I choose to pursue my nerdy husband, he made me laugh and very completely happy. And nerd does clean up nicely... Whereas, po' broke phi broke kneegrow never cleans up no matter what place you put them...

smiley21 · #6 04-26-2008, 07:51 PM

There was a guy that I dated that always had something to say about the way that I looked. Why I lasted so long with him, I will never understand. I was stupid. Anyway, he always had an issue about my weight. Let me point out that I am a size 4. He wanted me as a 2 or 0. Then he said that I needed to plastic surgery to enhance my body, because he only likes dating very skinny women with a very nice chest. There was always something that made him nitpick at my body. When I finally cut him off, I felt very liberated.

To all the women out there: This why you need to be happy with yourself before getting involved with someone. Do not let yourself get manipulated into changing your appearance (physical or cosmetic) by someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. When he starts making you feel ugly, cut him off.

Now I am not against change in a relationship. Improving something is a great thing. It just needs to be your own decision. Do not let yourself get manipulated.

texas*princess · #7 04-27-2008, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

I was once asked would I cut my hair.

I wonder what she's doing nowadays....

It's funny you brought that up... one of my ex's always said he 'preferred' my hair shorter... I liked having longer hair. We are no longer together.

Someone I used to talk to quite a bit dated a guy for several years before they got married... and even though she liked her hair long, she would always cut it to a certain length b/c her husband liked her hair short.

The guy was no picture of perfection either. If I were her, I would have told her I preferred him to not have a beer belly.

PrettyBoy · #8 04-27-2008, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

If you were dating someone and they asked you to change something about yourself, what would you do? How long would you have to be with someone before you actually consider it? Are there some things that are off limits that you know no matter what, you will not change about yourself and if they cannot accept it, they may as well leave? Has there ever been a time that you actually changed to please someone? How did it affect you and the relationship?

I have to be in a serious relationship in order to consider it. Dating? No. That's just dating. The only things I won't change are my morals and values. Other than that, I've been asked to change a few things, and I have. Some, I'm still working on. No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws, but it just depends on what flaws you're able to accept. If you are to develop an intimate relationship, you have to know each others desires. If you wish to love each other, you need to know what the other person wants. The way we express those desires to one another is important. I don't have a problem with being asked to change, but if they come across as demands, then we both have erased the possibility of intimacy and that could drive one of us away. If, however, we make known our needs and desires as requests, then we're giving guidance, not ultimatums.

DaemonSeid · #9 04-27-2008, 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by texas*princess

It's funny you brought that up... one of my ex's always said he 'preferred' my hair shorter... I liked having longer hair. We are no longer together.

Someone I used to talk to quite a bit dated a guy for several years before they got married... and even though she liked her hair long, she would always cut it to a certain length b/c her husband liked her hair short.

The guy was no picture of perfection either. If I were her, I would have told her I preferred him to not have a beer belly.

LOL...just wrong!!!

But I agree..when you have something you are used to it's hard to have someone request that you do somethign that would drastically change who you are...

BTW...the young lady in question was a weave wearer...why should I cut some perfectly nice dreds that took years for me to grown for someone that could take her hair out in 5 mins?

Munchkin03 · #10 04-27-2008, 08:26 PM

It obviously depends on what the thing is, and how far along in the relationship we are. If I was in a serious relationship with a recovering addict, and I really wanted to move to the next step, and to do so meant that I had to stop drinking, I probably would.

If some buster I had only been seeing for a few weeks was all, "I'm insecure and jealous with a small penis and I don't think you should go out with your girlfriends on the weekends," I'd tell him to take a long walk on a short pier.

neosoul · #11 04-27-2008, 08:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

I was once asked would I cut my hair.

I wonder what she's doing nowadays....

bwhahahahahahahahahaha

cheerfulgreek · #12 04-28-2008, 01:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

the way we eat,

Do Rice Krispies count? lol

christiangirl · #13 04-28-2008, 02:51 PM

Yeah, I guess it depends. I would never lose weight, cut my hair, buy different kinds of clothes, etc. for a guy. My appearance is mine and that's that. But if my bf wanted me to work on sharing more, communicating better, or being more sensitive, well I'd change that for anybody. I'd never intentionally hurt someone, so if those things about me was hurting them, then sure I'd change. The addict thing was very relevant--I would stop drinking around my SO if they needed me not to. I don't drink much anyway, so it's not really a sacrfice. Likewise, if I found out the person I was dating was a smoker, I would most likely end it unless they changed that for me. For health reasons, I can't handle cigarette smoke, so if we were going to get serious, he'd have to choose. But this is one of the first questions I ask a guy, before we even start dating, so hopefully it won't come up.

DolphinChicaDDD · #14 04-28-2008, 03:15 PM

Maybe its just because all the women in my office are going through their "changes" but I totally thought this thread was going to be about menopause.

Carry on.

texas*princess · #15 04-28-2008, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

LOL...just wrong!!!

But I agree..when you have something you are used to it's hard to have someone request that you do somethign that would drastically change who you are...

BTW...the young lady in question was a weave wearer...why should I cut some perfectly nice dreds that took years for me to grown for someone that could take her hair out in 5 mins?

I may be jokin'... but I ain't lyin'!!! LOL