Getting over a serious ex

ThetaLove · #1 07-01-2007, 05:50 PM

How long did it take you to "get over" your ex with whom you had a serious relationship with? How long did the relationship last (when you were together). I was reading the thread about how ex lovers can or can't remain friends and a lot of people mentioned they went back to being friends after completely cutting the ex out of their life for a period of time.

cheerfulgreek · #2 07-01-2007, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThetaLove

How long did it take you to "get over" your ex with whom you had a serious relationship with? How long did the relationship last (when you were together). I was reading the thread about how ex lovers can or can't remain friends and a lot of people mentioned they went back to being friends after completely cutting the ex out of their life for a period of time.

Well, my X cheated on me, so it didn't take that long for me to get over him. We were together for 2 years off and on. He was such a jerk.

Munchkin03 · #3 07-01-2007, 09:02 PM

It took me no time to get over my most recent ex. I had been pushing for a split for at least a year (and basically doing my own thing if you know what I mean) before I was finally like, "I am moving out in February. What are you going to do?" By that time, I was so freaking relieved and happy to have him out of my life!

Animate · #4 07-03-2007, 01:13 AM

Honestly, if this makes any sense, I'm over my ex but not over her.

We were together for 1.5 years and it ended pretty badly. We didn't talk for a good 8 months but we are cordial now. I still have a bit of guilt and this constant feeling of "I need to make this better".

Nothing thats going to take away from my current lady whom I've been with for 2 years now.

AKA_Monet · #5 07-03-2007, 01:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThetaLove

How long did it take you to "get over" your ex with whom you had a serious relationship with? How long did the relationship last (when you were together). I was reading the thread about how ex lovers can or can't remain friends and a lot of people mentioned they went back to being friends after completely cutting the ex out of their life for a period of time.

The serious ex for me to get over: ~1 year or so. He was in the military and was shipped off to Japan. He did want to commit to me, so it was easier to break it off with me and I agreed to it. Our relationship was only 8 months and 3 of those months we lived together.

Today, I am moved on and am married for 4 years. This serious ex is about the only "friend" I have kept that I was in a relationship with. He's doing well and handling his business. I am happy for him. I speak to him briefly once in a blue moon.

I have another "frenemie" that was a skewed relationship that I would NEVER recommend to anyone. I will NEVER speak to him and what I perceive that he did to me--or rather what I allowed to happen, let's just say, "Hell hath no fury..."

ThetaLove · #6 07-04-2007, 11:00 PM

Thanks everyone for the replies. My most serious relationship ended recently. Of course it hurts like hell. We both agreed to keep in touch evenutally (not too soon of course) and for me to take care of our dog on weekends when he goes away for training. And if he goes overseas. It was a mature breakup... I'm so glad for that. I can breathe much easier now. I know I have a lot of thinking to do about what I want for my future.

AlexMack · #7 07-05-2007, 12:53 AM

It gets easier, provided that it was an amicable breakup. Of course, I still wanted to be friends with my last ex but he chose to hate me and cut me out of his life for whatever reason. Apparently enjoying a new college is a crime?

Anyway-my advice is to cut all contact for awhile. It will hurt pretty badly (like it's not already) but it's the only way to mentally and emotionally separate yourself from the other person and remember that you can't use them as support anymore.
Also, go do anything you love and enjoy yourself. Go out with friends, take up a new hobby or sport you've been wanting to try, just throw yourself into something completely. I'd limit wallowing to about a week tops after the breakup.

mystikchick · #8 07-05-2007, 03:49 AM

It's true, it depends on what kind of breakup you had. My ex and I were together for three years, and when we split it was while we were both abroad and all the cracks that had slowly been appearing that I didn't want to acknowledge blew wide open. The thing is though, once I got over the initial hurt, I realized that a) I missed having him as a friend, and b) we really should have broken up way before we actually did.

It hurt like hell to break up, I don't think I've EVER cried that much in my life, not even when I found out we were moving to India my freshman year of HS. So I blocked him online and on Skype just to give myself some breathing space, and when I felt ready after about a week (I think), I started to write him emails, and a few weeks later (two, maybe three), I unblocked him online so we could start talking again.

The initial post-breakup period was rough, and it was a bit weird seeing him again in person over winter, but I dealt with it and moved on. I love the guy dearly and he's always going to have a place in my heart, but I'm not in love with him anymore. Still, there was residual sting for about a month or two afterwards that caught me offguard.

AKA_Monet · #9 07-05-2007, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThetaLove

Thanks everyone for the replies. My most serious relationship ended recently. Of course it hurts like hell. We both agreed to keep in touch evenutally (not too soon of course) and for me to take care of our dog on weekends when he goes away for training. And if he goes overseas. It was a mature breakup... I'm so glad for that. I can breathe much easier now. I know I have a lot of thinking to do about what I want for my future.

So, it sounds like he is being told some things by some people... So, he believes he needs to cut the ties because he does not want to be hurt if you change your mind about your "commitment" to him. Really, I don't know how you get a military man to commit to the kind of relationship you desire.

But the reality is, the military owns him and will do as "they" please.

What do for yourself? Porkfriedrice has good ideas. Breathe easier like you want and think about what you want to do and your future.

Immediately, I would decide what kind of contact you want with him. Do not let him be the deciding factor on the kind of interaction you want. I would only keep in contact with him after you have forgiven yourself to showing someone else your vunerabilities. Relationships are baring your naked soul of yourself. That is why you must be careful who you show it to.

PM me if you would like. You can take what I say or leave it. Just trying to help. Take care of yourself.

James · #10 07-06-2007, 02:22 AM

Not to be cliche, but you can only truly be friends with an EX when you know longer want to be friends with them. Its a catch-22.

Thats why you'll hear stories from people like they stopped talking/seeing their EX for like a year or multiple years and accidentally ran into each other and slowly developed a new friendship . . . which usually doesn't invovle being "best friends" i.e. more or less constant contact . . if you talk to an ex several times a week . . . well that doesn't seem really heavy on the EX part.

When you keep talking early into the break up, someone is always forcing it, maybe both. Its understandable, there is definite emotional dependancy to any relationship and the strain is much like withdrawal, it hurts. It can hurt so much its like being sick. And people will do almost anything to avoid being sick. And every time you talk to an EX it alleviates that illness a little . . . its still bad but often not as bad.

But, if you establish a relationship right away and end up forcing something . . it creates a weird kind of cathexis that sustains the old relationship in some pale imitation of itself, and make it really hard to have a new and good relationship with someone new and worthy.

If we were writing it as a screenplay, you would establish a friendship with an EX that would influence all your future relationships negatively, all your friends would see it, but you would deny it. "Oh we are just friends."

Until finally you met someone really worthy and your relationship with your EX ruined it . . . and you would finally realize what was happening but it would be too late for your new relationship and your old one . . well you an never go back. Leaving you older, wiser and alone

Bad movie.

The variations are even worse. The new guy forgives you and takes you anyway. What a loser because you would have already ruined it. Or you go back to your ex . . another loser deal.

Sigh. Note: "You" in the above is not meant for anyone particular in this thread.

VandalSquirrel · #11 07-06-2007, 02:55 AM

Obviously it depends on the two people involved, but I'm friends with guys I was previously involved with, and not friends with others. One guy in particular I tried repeatedly to be friends with after the fact, I had no desire to be in a relationship, and it helped that we lived far from each other. However it didn't work because he is just a crappy friend. I saw that in general he wasn't a good friend to anyone, and even if we never had dated he'd still be a major flake and a waste of my time. Then there is another guy I dated, and we run in some of the same social circles so we're very lucky that we're mature enough to let it go, and even laugh about how mismatched we were as a couple, but are really better off as friends.

The key for me is to not want to date them anymore, to not harbor any anger about things that happened (or be looking for an apology, agreeing to not discuss anything that went on ever again was helpful), and to honor the qualities that make a good friend, if they have any. Know when to cut your losses and move on.

PrettyBoy · #12 07-07-2007, 02:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThetaLove

How long did it take you to "get over" your ex with whom you had a serious relationship with? How long did the relationship last (when you were together). I was reading the thread about how ex lovers can or can't remain friends and a lot of people mentioned they went back to being friends after completely cutting the ex out of their life for a period of time.

Just move on and forget about the joker.

Educatingblue · #13 07-08-2007, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Well, my X cheated on me, so it didn't take that long for me to get over him. We were together for 2 years off and on. He was such a jerk.

I was in the same situation before I met my husband. I knew the guy was not right, but I could never seem to break it off. After some serious humiliation and his friends telling me that he was having his "run" of the town, I let it go and found my husband

ThetaLove · #14 07-08-2007, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

So, it sounds like he is being told some things by some people... So, he believes he needs to cut the ties because he does not want to be hurt if you change your mind about your "commitment" to him. Really, I don't know how you get a military man to commit to the kind of relationship you desire.

But the reality is, the military owns him and will do as "they" please.

I really don't know where you are getting that. That isn't at all what happened.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

AKA_Monet · #15 07-08-2007, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThetaLove

Thanks everyone for the replies. My most serious relationship ended recently. Of course it hurts like hell. We both agreed to keep in touch evenutally (not too soon of course) and for me to take care of our dog on weekends when he goes away for training. And if he goes overseas. It was a mature breakup... I'm so glad for that. I can breathe much easier now. I know I have a lot of thinking to do about what I want for my future.

I don't know if I read it right, sorry if I made an assumption. I just don't like to see people hurt from love heartache. I apologize for my presumption.