My situation is complicated. I need some input.

unhappy-active · #1 01-06-2008, 08:54 AM

I'm going to try and summarize my situation since it's long and complicated.
I joined ABC fraternity about 1yr and a half. It was during my sophomore year so I already had many friends who are GDI's. I met an ABC member at one of their rush parties and basically rushed and ended up getting a bid and therefore pledging. There is a little detail here. I am GAY AND CLOSETED. I decided to come out to some of my closest friends during the process of pledging. Although I only revealed my homosexuality to a couple of close friends rumors started and I guess they got to the ears of some of the ABC members. I started hearing rumors about members thinking about black-balling me because I was a queer. They never confronted me about it but they sure gave me hell throughout the rest of my pledgeship. I crossed, got initiated and everything. Now I am an active member of ABC but a lot of "bros" still hold grudges against me and through other brothers I've heard that they talk crap behind my back. I am tired of all this and I am thinking of DA'ing and just let it be over with. But what if I come out to them and I don't want to DA, can they force me to DA? Are there any laws that protect me? Should I just DA vonluntarily? I need some input because I am getting tired of living a lie.

Senusret I · #2 01-06-2008, 12:06 PM

Read the constitution and bylaws of your fraternity and chapter from cover to cover. Read your student handbook. You will most likely find that they can't force you to disaffiliate. But read it for yourself.

Look closely at the people who are telling you these "rumors" -- do they REALLY have your best interests at heart or are they keeping shit going?

My friends know to "don't bring me bad news" -- YOUR friends need to learn how to diffuse any trash talking they hear about you without bringing it to you, as it is clearly making you more miserable than if you didn't know, or if it had been handled.

I mean really, that's so high school and it irritates me. One of my sponsors (person who guided me through intake) is the same way and it really hurt our relationship. Messy, messy brother.

Most importantly, you don't have to be tired of living a lie -- live YOUR truth. Your real friends and true brothers will have your back. And I bet you that if some aren't already gay and you just don't know it, then you will have some supportive alumni who have walked in your shoes.

Good luck!

AOII Angel · #3 01-06-2008, 12:28 PM

I completely agree with Sensuret. If they are talking about your homosexuality behind your back, come clean and tell them the truth face to face. If they can't handle the truth, then make a decision about deactivating. That being said, I'm sure your fraternity has a non-discrimination policy that may allow you to become an alum rather than deactivate if the local chapter isn't welcoming to you once you tell them the truth. Don't be embarrassed about who you are. Their attitudes about you are a mirror of your attitudes about yourself. After that, you can't fight ingrained bigotry. The truth is out there in pieces, so it's too late to pretend you're straight. I wish you the best of luck.

nate2512 · #4 01-06-2008, 03:07 PM

Well it most certainly depends on where you go to school, how well the gay community is received at that particularly college and such. With that being said, you should definitely tell the truth soon. If they are not receptive and do not want you stay active then why would you? But you should tell them the truth, see how they take it, then decide what you want to do and whats best. If they aren't receptive but they cant make you drop, then chances are they will either leave you out of a lot of things, or will so cruel to you to make you want to drop. A lot of straight people are frightened by the thought of homosexuality, especially when that person is a member of the same fraternity, they may feel you joined to get close to another guy or whatever, with that being said the only way you will know how to make the right decision is to come clean and see how the brothers respond. Either way you will feel a lot better about yourself.

Lucky SC · #5 01-06-2008, 03:35 PM

def tell everyone man.

no offense towards you, but if you can't be up front with them... then you can't expect others to do the same. As someone said before most would probably get the thought in their heads you are trying to get close to guys by joining a fraternity which are historically heterosexual organizations.

Like i said you can't expect someone to make the first move of maturity, you have to tell everyone the truth about you, only through honesty can you really make people understand and hopefully in time accept you for being the person you really are

SWTXBelle · #6 01-06-2008, 04:36 PM

You said you joined as a sophomore a year and a half ago - how much longer do you have in school? I know everyone may not agree, but it you are only going to be active 4 more months it might not be worth the drama to come out. It depends on how much of a burden not telling would be. If you are going to be busy with classes and graduate stuff, the fraternity might not be as big of a problem as it has been in the past. Your call, of course.
If you have more than the one semester, you should most certainly tell - but you might want to talk to your advisor first. Maybe you could plan to come out (at a chapter meeting? informal meeting? - I think telling everyone at once might be the way to go) and have the advisor ready to discuss the situation with anyone who might have a problem. I would hope your brothers would be able to handle the truth manfully and in a mature fashion. Ultimately, they should focus on you as a person, and not as a sexual orientation. Everyone is giving good advice - think long and hard, and I am sure you will see the right thing to do. Best of luck, and I hope everything works out for you.

33girl · #7 01-06-2008, 07:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Senusret I

Look closely at the people who are telling you these "rumors" -- do they REALLY have your best interests at heart or are they keeping shit going?

My friends know to "don't bring me bad news" -- YOUR friends need to learn how to diffuse any trash talking they hear about you without bringing it to you, as it is clearly making you more miserable than if you didn't know, or if it had been handled.

This is so true, not just in this situation but in a lot of things. The "I'm telling you this is going on because I'm your true friend" is a bunch of bull 99.99999% of the time - it's just someone who wants to feel like they have the upper hand on everyone. They are thinking of themselves, not you.

Tom Earp · #8 01-07-2008, 01:56 PM

I know some of my Brothers who are gay or bisexual and a lot depends on the people in the chapter.

Some accept it, and others do not. I guess it is just a mind set for some as they know very little about gays in greek organizations and they are scared. The same thing can be said for different races and religions as many have seen.

Knowledge helps to understand sometimes, but ignorance is forever unless trained, or shown to them.

Still BLUTANG · #9 01-07-2008, 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

This is so true, not just in this situation but in a lot of things. The "I'm telling you this is going on because I'm your true friend" is a bunch of bull 99.99999% of the time - it's just someone who wants to feel like they have the upper hand on everyone. They are thinking of themselves, not you.

i disagree. i would be PISSED if there was trash talk behind my back and my friends knew about it but said nothing to me. I also expect them to defend me or at least diffuse the rumor, because i'd do the same for them. i might come out looking like an ass for it, but i don't want to be counted among those who knew but said nothing.

33girl · #10 01-07-2008, 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Still BLUTANG

i disagree. i would be PISSED if there was trash talk behind my back and my friends knew about it but said nothing to me. I also expect them to defend me or at least diffuse the rumor, because i'd do the same for them. i might come out looking like an ass for it, but i don't want to be counted among those who knew but said nothing.

There's a difference between a very good friend who says "Jeff keeps saying shit behind your back, be careful what you tell him" who you know read Jeff the riot act, and one who comes to you practically salivating because they have some more "drama" of trash talk to share with you - and you're pretty sure they just sat there and said nothing when Jeff started yapping. I'm talking about #2.

In the OP's case, I'm guessing the "close friends" he told are #2 or this news wouldn't have circulated back to his brothers in the first place.

Kevin · #11 01-07-2008, 04:30 PM

My chapter is composed of a lot of conservative guys -- many are very religious, many are from small towns, many are (insert stereotype here). Recently, one of our actives came out to the chapter in meeting.

I'm told that there was 100% support for this individual. No one is talking any kind of trash, things went better than he ever expected.

I disagree with all of these people saying that you need to talk to advisers and things of that nature to be able to chart what sort of support you'd have. Respectfully, that's a bunch of crap.

Just make an announcement in the middle of meeting. If they can't deal with it, tough. I don't think you should expect anything other than 100% support from your brothers.

Tom Earp · #12 01-07-2008, 05:41 PM

There is a book, soft cover out that talks about Gays and how they came out or not.

Sent it to a LXA Brother who sent it to me!

I was not ready for gays or blacks, but, I learned to get over it when I got to know and meet them.

Many times, they work harder and are not appreciated nearly as much.

Senusret I · #13 01-07-2008, 06:05 PM

Let me just say for the record, as teh gay, I do not think coming out in a chapter meeting is necessary. It is a lot of drama for nothing. I mean seriously, for all the breeders on the board who think it's a good idea -- for who, you? Nah.... it makes a big deal out of a situation which is really nobody's business to have an opinion on.

What I would do if I was him: I'd talk to brothers one on one until you feel it was adequately "out there." When I was a Sophomore in college and I was slowly but surely coming out in action, I decided it was a good idea to round up those upperclassmen i looked up to and, before they graduated, tell them that I was gay and I hoped it wouldn't change our relationship.

That was about ten people....ten conversations....all positive. They were the ten people who were most important to me. If they told anyone, fine. If they didn't, fine.

Just be out. PM me if you want to discuss further.

BabyPiNK_FL · #14 01-07-2008, 06:22 PM

yeah. I think saying things in a chapter meeting allows for a lot of awkward situations because everyone is sitting there with their minds running. Tell the people you want to know. Live your life as you want to live it and if people happen to notice then so be it.

SnuKnight172 · #15 01-09-2008, 08:34 PM

Are your bros pissed because you are gay or are they pissed that you hid it from them. Essentially lying to all of them. Either way it is messed up that they are talking sh#$ but I can see some of them being upset but talking crap is not cool. It may be upsetting to the brothers at first but they will soon realize that you are a bro and that means more than your sexuality.

One of my brothers helped write this book it may help with your situation: "Brotherhood: Gay Life in College Fraternities."