Just Wondering

[sexybrownmocha]

I recently turned 26 my daughter is now five, I am STILL in school in Texas and I just figured out my dating pattern. I tend to date men that make ME feel like they NEED me. I constantly help them sometimes to the detriment of myself. I was wondering if anyone else has struggled with this somewhat in dating... I feel so bad I have a huge heart and LOVE to help everyone but it's like I go overboard with the man I am interested/involved with. How do you ladies view "helping" a man by giving him money and helping with his responsibilities? I don't have low self esteem or anything , I am somewhat shy.

[Honeykiss1974]

I was raised by my parents that there is no excuse for a grown man to not have a job and to be able to take care of himself. That includes me not giving him money because he is grown and can work. And if one job isn't cutting it, then he should get two jobs if needed (or improve his skills sets to get a better job).

I'm not against helping or being supportive while dating. But I personally would have a problem if someone I was dating was asking me for money to help pay his bills or for spending money so he can go hang out with the guys.

[darling1]

this is just my opinion. i also preface by saying that i have children and have been married for 5 yrs.

as a single parent who is young and working to excel professionally and personally, you have no business giving ANYONE money except your landlord, yourself, your child, your church and your creditors (this is in no particular order).

a man or anybody for that matter needs to be in your life to enhance not to hinder. personally, i dont see how u have time to date, since you emphasized that you are still in school. that says to me that you desire to finish sooner than later. with your child in kindergarten, her activities and your school activities, job and other personal business you should be too busy to entertain foolishness.

i had similiar struggles. i have a big heart and let men walk over me. but, i learned and i also didnt have the reponsibility that being a parent entails.

i view you helping a grown ass man foolish and maybe you need to stop now. you have a daughter and if for no other reason, dump this fool. you are teaching your child that it is ok to except less than her worth and it is ok to be irresponsible. continue this relationship is irresponsible because i bet if the roles are reversed and YOU needed help, this man would not be around.

this scenario is about you and your esteem.

again, just my humble opinion.

good luck to you!!

Originally Posted by sexybrownmocha

I recently turned 26 my daughter is now five, I am STILL in school in Texas and I just figured out my dating pattern. I tend to date men that make ME feel like they NEED me. I constantly help them sometimes to the detriment of myself. I was wondering if anyone else has struggled with this somewhat in dating... I feel so bad I have a huge heart and LOVE to help everyone but it's like I go overboard with the man I am interested/involved with. How do you ladies view "helping" a man by giving him money and helping with his responsibilities? I don't have low self esteem or anything , I am somewhat shy.

[DSTCHAOS]

No one should be taking care of another person who isn't a dependent. That goes for a man or a woman. If a REAL man takes care of his own then so does a REAL woman.

I think that dating is about reciprocity and doing for each other out of the kindness of your heart but all of it in moderation. If you're married and the agreement is that she pays the majority of the bills and he is the caregiver for the children and does a lot of the housework, then that's prearranged and they are different but equal responsibilities. When you feel like you're giving more than receiving and the person is making you feel obligated to care for them while they aren't lifting a finger, a change needs to be made.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by darling1

this is just my opinion. i also preface by saying that i have children and have been married for 5 yrs.

as a single parent who is young and working to excel professionally and personally, you have no business giving ANYONE money except your landlord, yourself, your child, your church and your creditors (this is in no particular order).

a man or anybody for that matter needs to be in your life to enhance not to hinder. personally, i dont see how u have time to date, since you emphasized that you are still in school. that says to me that you desire to finish sooner than later. with your child in kindergarten, her activities and your school activities, job and other personal business you should be too busy to entertain foolishness.

i had similiar struggles. i have a big heart and let men walk over me. but, i learned and i also didnt have the reponsibility that being a parent entails.

i view you helping a grown ass man foolish and maybe you need to stop now. you have a daughter and if for no other reason, dump this fool. you are teaching your child that it is ok to except less than her worth and it is ok to be irresponsible. continue this relationship is irresponsible because i bet if the roles are reversed and YOU needed help, this man would not be around.

this scenario is about you and your esteem.

again, just my humble opinion.

good luck to you!!

Good post filled with some harsh truths.

[Dionysus]

Originally Posted by sexybrownmocha

I recently turned 26 my daughter is now five, I am STILL in school in Texas and I just figured out my dating pattern. I tend to date men that make ME feel like they NEED me. I constantly help them sometimes to the detriment of myself. I was wondering if anyone else has struggled with this somewhat in dating... I feel so bad I have a huge heart and LOVE to help everyone but it's like I go overboard with the man I am interested/involved with. How do you ladies view "helping" a man by giving him money and helping with his responsibilities? I don't have low self esteem or anything , I am somewhat shy.

Do you think that subconsciously you seek out relationships of dependence, so you'll have more power? Or, if you give a guy what he want/needs he'll be less likely to leave you? That's what it seems like too me, I might be wrong.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by sexybrownmocha

I recently turned 26 my daughter is now five, I am STILL in school in Texas and I just figured out my dating pattern. I tend to date men that make ME feel like they NEED me. I constantly help them sometimes to the detriment of myself. I was wondering if anyone else has struggled with this somewhat in dating... I feel so bad I have a huge heart and LOVE to help everyone but it's like I go overboard with the man I am interested/involved with. How do you ladies view "helping" a man by giving him money and helping with his responsibilities? I don't have low self esteem or anything , I am somewhat shy.

Question: So how often are you getting dumped when you are giving your all to a man when he takes your assistance freely and do you like this situation in your life?

Another question: So, you post this information in the AKA Ave. where you run up under a man and give your ALL to him, but you cannot give your ALL by doing community SERVICE TO ALL MANKIND?

[Wonderful1908]

Originally Posted by sexybrownmocha

I recently turned 26 my daughter is now five, I am STILL in school in Texas and I just figured out my dating pattern. I tend to date men that make ME feel like they NEED me. I constantly help them sometimes to the detriment of myself. I was wondering if anyone else has struggled with this somewhat in dating... I feel so bad I have a huge heart and LOVE to help everyone but it's like I go overboard with the man I am interested/involved with. How do you ladies view "helping" a man by giving him money and helping with his responsibilities? I don't have low self esteem or anything , I am somewhat shy.

Run!!

No but for real, I slightly differ from some of the previous posts. I think it is okay to help a man when you have been in a serious committed relationship and there is a bigger goal ahead. I would never give a man money I was "dating" unless it had been for a looooooooooong time and we had a commitment. Now I am married and have been with my husband for 12 years and I am only 29, so there were times when we were in school that I had money and he didn't. So sometimes (he would say very rarely) I would give him money. We realized the bigger picture was that we would be out of school one day. Yes we also had the responsibility of a small child (something my husband and I produced our sophmore year in school) so being that I am always the organized one, more times than not I was the one with "extra" income, so yes I helped him out many times.

[thesweetestone]

Originally Posted by Dionysus

Do you think that subconsciously you seek out relationships of dependence, so you'll have more power? Or, if you give a guy what he want/needs he'll be less likely to leave you? That's what it seems like too me, I might be wrong.

^^^^That's what I was thinking.

[sexybrownmocha]

Ladies thank you for responding to my post.

As far as the men I am referring to I broke up with him in September after he hit me. It was a "clean" break no lingering no continued communication what-so-ever. I wasn't with him because I felt powerful by helping him. I simply believed as I do with everyone that he good would EVENTUALLY lead him to do better. One of the things I have struggled with is making allowances with peoples problems. I have always known that more than likely if the situation is reversed where I am struggling and in need most people tend to go their own way. I tend to always try to give someone a chance to get it together because I feel like I was afforded the chance to correct some of my mistakes. I do realize that basically you can try to help a person all you want but until they really azquire the drive to "really" want to change nothing happens.

Yes I have exhausted myself emotionally and here recently financially with a friend, but honestly I thought I was helping him until he recently told me the "rest" of how his situation was. Basically he lied by omission of important facts. I thought I was helping him get out of a bad situation and move on to better himself and his son , but in truth what happened was basically a girl played him. She made him believe she had set up some things for him in the music industry then when the day to perform came he not only found out it was a lie but that the young lady was with another man. I was under the impression that he was only involved with the lady for business purposes and that they had only known each other a few months. He actually had been sleeping with the girl on and off for a year and a half. Him and I were not intimate , we were friends, the guy that hit me was his best friend and when that situation occurred he was just there trying to support me and motivate me to move on.

I apologize if this offended you AKA_Monet. I was simply wanting to hopefully spark a conversation about something that I have struggled with for a long time and I was wondering how many/ if any other women had this problem and how did they deal with it. Thanks for everyone that responded.

[darling1]

i am sorry that you have had to endure this. just remember that you have the GREATEST job in the world. you are a mother. you are molding someone that you carried in your belly, talked to, cried for and almost died for.

there is nothing wrong with wanting to help someone, but if it is at the cost of you--your self-worth, sanity and safety, it is not worth it.

you must starting walking a different path. you have a responsibility to your child. you can't afford to give anyone the time of day except those who are about enhancing your family's life.

seek God's counsel. talk to him and ask him to guide you and give you a more discerning eye.

parenthood changes a person. for me i have cut out family and friends because i choose to gatekeep and protect my family from other people's b-s.

as i said before, good luck to you!

Originally Posted by sexybrownmocha

Ladies thank you for responding to my post.

As far as the men I am referring to I broke up with him in September after he hit me. It was a "clean" break no lingering no continued communication what-so-ever. I wasn't with him because I felt powerful by helping him. I simply believed as I do with everyone that he good would EVENTUALLY lead him to do better. One of the things I have struggled with is making allowances with peoples problems. I have always known that more than likely if the situation is reversed where I am struggling and in need most people tend to go their own way. I tend to always try to give someone a chance to get it together because I feel like I was afforded the chance to correct some of my mistakes. I do realize that basically you can try to help a person all you want but until they really azquire the drive to "really" want to change nothing happens.

Yes I have exhausted myself emotionally and here recently financially with a friend, but honestly I thought I was helping him until he recently told me the "rest" of how his situation was. Basically he lied by omission of important facts. I thought I was helping him get out of a bad situation and move on to better himself and his son , but in truth what happened was basically a girl played him. She made him believe she had set up some things for him in the music industry then when the day to perform came he not only found out it was a lie but that the young lady was with another man. I was under the impression that he was only involved with the lady for business purposes and that they had only known each other a few months. He actually had been sleeping with the girl on and off for a year and a half. Him and I were not intimate , we were friends, the guy that hit me was his best friend and when that situation occurred he was just there trying to support me and motivate me to move on.

I apologize if this offended you AKA_Monet. I was simply wanting to hopefully spark a conversation about something that I have struggled with for a long time and I was wondering how many/ if any other women had this problem and how did they deal with it. Thanks for everyone that responded.

[SummerChild]

Why don't you check out that book "CoDependent No More." It sounds like you may be exhibiting codependent behavior. If you decide to read it, hope it helps!! Good luck!

Also, I'm sorry that you were hit! That's awful. The fact pattern that you set out below sounds like alot of drama. Do you have any older women whom are in stable relationships that you are close to and can talk with regarding your relationships. A woman of this caliber would have been able to spot that this was some mess a long time ago and given you some good advice *before* someone put his hands on you. Because you could not spot that this was some mess a long time ago (or you did not listen to your instinct if you had an instinct about this) it sounds like you may need some help with fine tuning your judgment. If you agree, consider running the men that you interact with (whether as a friend or more than a friend) by her and discuss these issues with her. Eventually you will be able to see mess coming before it even gets to you. That way you will not even get yourself in these situations.

SC

Originally Posted by sexybrownmocha

Ladies thank you for responding to my
post.

As far as the men I am referring to I broke up with him in September after he hit me. It was a "clean" break no lingering no continued communication what-so-ever. I wasn't with him because I felt powerful by helping him. I simply believed as I do with everyone that he good would EVENTUALLY lead him to do better. One of the things I have struggled with is making allowances with peoples problems. I have always known that more than likely if the situation is reversed where I am struggling and in need most people tend to go their own way. I tend to always try to give someone a chance to get it together because I feel like I was afforded the chance to correct some of my mistakes. I do realize that basically you can try to help a person all you want but until they really azquire the drive to "really" want to change nothing happens.

Yes I have exhausted myself emotionally and here recently financially with a friend, but honestly I thought I was helping him until he recently told me the "rest" of how his situation was. Basically he lied by omission of important facts. I thought I was helping him get out of a bad situation and move on to better himself and his son , but in truth what happened was basically a girl played him. She made him believe she had set up some things for him in the music industry then when the day to perform came he not only found out it was a lie but that the young lady was with another man. I was under the impression that he was only involved with the lady for business purposes and that they had only known each other a few months. He actually had been sleeping with the girl on and off for a year and a half. Him and I were not intimate , we were friends, the guy that hit me was his best friend and when that situation occurred he was just there trying to support me and motivate me to move on.

I apologize if this offended you AKA_Monet. I was simply wanting to hopefully spark a conversation about something that I have struggled with for a long time and I was wondering how many/ if any other women had this problem and how did they deal with it. Thanks for everyone that responded.