Domestic Violence

[Cleveland]

We have a brother who has alegedly committed 6 acts of assault on his girlfriend. Two of these were on house property or on house trips and are confirmed to have happened. Each act occurs under the influence of alcohol and during the first act at the house, cops were called. No one wants to ban this girl or blackball him but me, and everyone discredits my opinion because he was my best friend and I was seeing her when they started hooking up. Honestly I don't like either of them but I feel the excessive risk they both have caused the house should give just cause for banning them both. The most recent act was this past weekend and so far his "punishment" is AA and 6 weeks prohibition of alcohol. The execs claim that since he was never told this was wrong he gets another chance and for her even though they decided that one more situation involving her and she would be banned, because she was not notified. I think this is all bull and am about to give up my exec position and possibly drop if this is not resolved. am I being too extreme or is this reasonable.

[adpiucf]

Notify your advisers. Also, he committed a crime. Call the police on him. I wouldn't blame you for dropping out. The chapter's response is shameful. This wasn't an isolated event and they're letting one of their members beat his girlfriend under their roof?

[squirrely girl]

Originally Posted by Cleveland

Honestly I don't like either of them but I feel the excessive risk they both have caused the house should give just cause for banning them both.

I'd point out this young woman, at least per what you've shared, doesn't appear to be the one doing anything to cause excessive risk to your chapter... well, other than existing. Victims of DV aren't doing something to cause the violence.

[ADPi95]

What adpiucf said... talk to your advisors.

As for calling the cops, it may or may not result in anything, I hate to say and that's me speaking from a law enforcement background. It depends on when the incidents occurred (how longs it's been) and IF the girl (victim) is willing to cooperate.

[DubaiSis]

Originally Posted by squirrely girl

I'd point out this young woman, at least per what you've shared, doesn't appear to be the one doing anything to cause excessive risk to your chapter... well, other than existing. Victims of DV aren't doing something to cause the violence.

While she may be the victim, if she's going to continue allowing it to happen (and the fool me once axiom will come into play here), she shouldn't be allowed in the house where her presence makes inherent risk of violence happening again and thus opening the chapter to risk as well. If she's going to allow it to happen, the house has to minimize their risk.

The chapter should be ashamed of themselves but 18-22 year old boys can REALLY be stupid about violence and what is/is not cool with girls. And THIS is why the collegiate chapters need advisors. Make sure the advisors know what's going on and if they don't react correctly (and bringing the hammer down is the appropriate response if what you've said is completely true), then it's time to talk to the authorities. Risk has a tendency to run downhill and if this girl should end up dead (and yes, that can be the end result of domestic abuse), or if she ends up suing the house for millions of dollars, do you know how many guys in the house could end up in deep water? ALL OF YOU.

[Kevin]

What is your judicial procedure for expelling members? In Sigma Nu, any member can initiate proceedings to expel another brother at any time for anything unbecoming of a member. The key part is that when we file something, a copy is sent to HQ and the message is that if the chapter doesn't expel the member, they are condoning that behavior and HQ receives that message and may act on it.

I agree. Talk to your advisers. If anyone brought that info to me, I'd type up the paperwork myself.

As far as resignation? That's a tough one. You'd be cutting yourself off from not just the organization, but lots of alumni contacts. Guys in our chapter who have done that over moral disagreements have ended up regretting that decision when it later came time to run for office, etc.

[AXOrushadvisor]

WOW. A victim of domestic violence does not allow themselves to be beaten or abused. I would file a formal complaint with the university and your National Organization. I'm shaking my head that because he abuses her SHE is being banned?! THIS is why abuse sometimes goes on for years. Somehow society thinks it is the victims fault. WOW.

[Kevin]

I just reread the OP. You have an exec position? What is your ability to create some chapter programming whereby some mental health expert speaks to your chapter as a whole about domestic violence?

[SydneyK]

There are lots of good ideas here, and I echo those who suggest you notify an advisor and follow your organization's identified Standards procedure.

Regarding the part about the woman involved...

Originally Posted by AXOrushadvisor

WOW. A victim of domestic violence does not allow themselves to be beaten or abused....Somehow society thinks it is the victims fault. WOW.

This.

[MaryPoppins]

Originally Posted by AXOrushadvisor

WOW. A victim of domestic violence does not allow themselves to be beaten or abused. I would file a formal complaint with the university and your National Organization. I'm shaking my head that because he abuses her SHE is being banned?! THIS is why abuse sometimes goes on for years. Somehow society thinks it is the victims fault. WOW.

THIS.

[adpiucf]

I agree that DV is never the victim's fault, but I think OP suggested it because he thinks that limiting her access to the house removes fraternity liability. In the best case scenario, however, the offending member should be removed from the house. His actions are still going to affect the fraternity no matter where he is.

Whether or not you leave your fraternity, OP, I hope you can help this girl. That's the most important thing in the big picture.

[MaryPoppins]

Adpiucf is right, it only takes one bad apple.

[Psi U MC Vito]

I would contact your I/HQ. And check your constitution. We had a bad situation in my chapter when one of our brothers tried to get a brother with similar issues expelled and it failed. By talking to our guy in Indy, I found out that the constitution gave the Alumni Corporation the right to discipline undergrads, including expulsion. And if they didn't our International Fraternity could also take action.

[DGTess]

If you are on exec, and you *know* (not surmise, not heard) criminal activity is taking place, you could be charged to, eventually. If your moral compass won't let you notify school or civil authorities, perhaps your legal one might?

Without further details (which I'm not asking for, thankyouverymuch) one can't know for sure, but groups of people have been charged in plenty of other circumstances.

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by AXOrushadvisor

A victim of domestic violence does not allow themselves to be beaten or abused.

It's true they don't allow it, but a victim can prevent further abuse by removing themselves from the situation, obtaining restraining orders if necessary. I can't tell you how many victims or abusers I've represented. Lots. More often than not, the victim keeps going back to the abuser. I understand the psychological issues there, but that doesn't remove the victim from any responsibility.

As far as the banning her from the house issue goes, that's just ridiculous. Talk about a bandaid on a bullet hole. This guy doesn't know how to be in a relationship. He needs punishment and serious counseling. If your chapter or HQ or alumni won't do anything to expel him, maybe you could convince them to require him to enroll in a batterers' intervention program? We have one here in OKC. It's $25 per visit and it's a 52 week course. It's a huge undertaking, but it has been shown to reduce recidivism.