Dumpee or Dumper. Which is better?

[Xanthus]

Hey guys. Kind of a dumb thread, but I posted some D&R posts in one of the random threads, about seeing other people. I was in my relationship for a few years and I felt that she was kind of needy. I thought we both needed a break and needed to see other people, so I broke it off with her, but after I did, I felt really guilty. It made me think that in some cases being dumped is actually better. The guilt isn't there. Anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it? Why did you break it off? Did you regret it later?

[christiangirl]

I've been the Dumper twice. The first time was a lot worse than the time I was dumped because he was such a sweet guy. The second time was a lot better because I was dumping a jerk. So I guess it depends.

[AlwaysSAI]

Being dumped usually sucks because a lot of the time the dumpee doesn't see it coming. Sometimes, I think, the dumpee knows it's coming but doesn't want to do it.

I think that being the dumper generally sucks if you still have feelings for the person. Just because you think they are better than sliced bread doesn't mean you want to be in a relationship with them. You care about them on some level and you don't want to hurt them, but you have to so that you don't lead them on--and that's the catch 22.

(I don't know if any of that made any sense....)

[Xanthus]

Originally Posted by AlwaysSAI

Being dumped usually sucks because a lot of the time the dumpee doesn't see it coming. Sometimes, I think, the dumpee knows it's coming but doesn't want to do it.

I think that being the dumper generally sucks if you still have feelings for the person. Just because you think they are better than sliced bread doesn't mean you want to be in a relationship with them. You care about them on some level and you don't want to hurt them, but you have to so that you don't lead them on--and that's the catch 22.

(I don't know if any of that made any sense....)

Exactly. This makes perfect sense. I think in my situation, she had to have suspected it was coming though. We had too many fights for her not to know. I didn't feel I could please her because everything I did for her just wasn't enough. The gifts I bought, the time I spent with her etc. It sucks for me because I still do have feelings for her, and probably always will, but something had to give. Like you said, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her in any way, but if I didn't it would have been the same thing over and over again. I'm not sure how much sense that makes, but if I didn't she wouldn't have either.

[AlwaysSAI]

Originally Posted by Xanthus

Exactly. This makes perfect sense. I think in my situation, she had to have suspected it was coming though. We had too many fights for her not to know. I didn't feel I could please her because everything I did for her just wasn't enough. The gifts I bought, the time I spent with her etc. It sucks for me because I still do have feelings for her, and probably always will, but something had to give. Like you said, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her in any way, but if I didn't it would have been the same thing over and over again. I'm not sure how much sense that makes, but if I didn't she wouldn't have either.

Fights don't always indicate the end of a relationship to both parties.

My last long term relationship ended about 2.5 years ago. Towards the end we fought all the time, but I always thought we would work it out. I knew we were fighting and I knew I was pissed at him (as he was at me) more than we were happy with each other. But, I always believed we would work it out and stay together. Looking back now, I can see that it never would have worked and that the fighting was the indication of the end, but my poor little love stricken heart never would have seen it.

On the contrary, I was recently seeing this guy. Nothing serious--no commitment, but we had been seeing each other for about two months. He stopped calling as often and wasn't making time to see me. I knew it was ending but I liked him enough to let it drag out until he ended it. It still sucked when he called to say he didn't see it going anywhere long term, but I knew he was right.

[anonymouse42]

I was the dumper in my last relationship (which lasted over two years). It did really suck, and I felt really guilty and bad. He was/is a really great guy, and he hadn't done anything wrong--I just changed, and fell out of love with him. But I definitely still cared a lot about him, and I really hated hurting him, though staying in the relationship after I realized I had to end it (which I did for a month), hurt him too, because he could tell I was getting distant, and he couldn't figure out why or how to change it.

That said, he was definitely way more heartbroken than me, and in the end I would rather be guilty than heartbroken. After all, I knew I was doing the right thing, for both of us, even if it sucked, whereas he was just in a lot of pain. Fortunately, he's moved on and we remain good friends.

[agzg]

I've been both and to be honest most of the time both suck. Last time wasn't too bad though - it was mutual. Unfortunately, most relationships don't end that way.

[starang21]

dumper. it's on your terms.

[AlphaXi_Husky]

Originally Posted by starang21

dumper. it's on your terms.

This. 100%.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by Xanthus

Exactly. This makes perfect sense. I think in my situation, she had to have suspected it was coming though. We had too many fights for her not to know. I didn't feel I could please her because everything I did for her just wasn't enough. The gifts I bought, the time I spent with her etc. It sucks for me because I still do have feelings for her, and probably always will, but something had to give. Like you said, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her in any way, but if I didn't it would have been the same thing over and over again. I'm not sure how much sense that makes, but if I didn't she wouldn't have either.

Ever think about the gifts you bought for her could have been something you wanted rather than what she wanted? Just a thought.

[AOII_LB93]

I don't know...something one of my college roommate's moms said stuck with me. "Women usually break up with men when they've thought about it for a long time first, which is usually why they move on so much quicker when they've done the dumping."

That said, I think being the dumper is better....yeah, you might feel bad for a bit, but at least you're usually over it quicker.

[Homey the Bag]

The first person to have sex with someon new, wins.


It is usually better to be the dumper because you can have a backup in place. The dumpee might have a backup but they might be caught offguard and not have a backup.

I have been the dumper in numerous relationships. Then you can get shit from their friends and such. At least if you are the dumpee, the friends of the ex and everyone else will comfort you as best they can. Especially if the guys are controlling. I almost had to get a restraining order for my last ex. NOT GOOD. Believe me I tried to get out ASAP, but he didn't want to look bad from his guy friends. Then he dumped me after our Valentines Day stuff. Great I know?! So SO glad I am done with him!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by mealPlanLover

Being the dumpee is definitely more painful, but most of the time you're not seen as the asshole who broke her heart or something along those lines. As such, I would much rather get dumped that dump someone. Hence why when Im done with a long term relationship I find ways of convincing them to end it rather than doing so myself.

How passive agressive of you. I did the same thing to my first boyfriend, but then I realized what an asshole I was and grew up.

[DrPhil]

That is cowardly and passive aggressive.