Dating/Friends With Introverted Guy

I found a thread here on introverted guys, but it was dated a while ago, so I hope nobody minds I start a new thread.

I have a friend guy who is introverted to whom I like, of course. I am a bit introverted myself, but I want to open up and express my feelings comfortably and try to learn to be an extrovert and all. I was wondering in any kind of relationship with an introverted person, is there a constant need to pick up the "slack" on your end when together? Will the introverted person ever, ever truly and flat out tell a person how much they care and openly feel comfortable with a person they are with? Or are they always going to hide in a corner and not say everything that is on their mind?

In other words, is being with an introverted person(once they are comfortable with you) a lot of work to keep going in a relationship or is it just initially during the start out?

[1stSoon2BePhD]

I can't speak for every introverted man but I can speak for my own boyfriend. We have been together for over 5 years and he is very introverted. In the beginning, it was hard for him to tell me how he felt to my face and he would opt for a phone conversation or written communication because he is a very good writer. He has gotten much better at this (it didn't take five years - only a matter of months) and he can now tell me exactly how he feels face-to-face.

Before I knew just how introverted he is and that he is not shy by choice, I would get offended when I would tell him exactly how I was feeling and he would merely say "Aww, thank you. That's so sweet" and he wouldn't reciprocate. Part of it is helping the other person along and letting them know that you care so that when the time comes and they are ready, they will not be afraid to talk to you. Part of it is understanding that some peoples shyness is deeply rooted and knowing that you have to be supportive. The most important part is to be patient and allow them to come around to you.

Very interesting! thank you.

In the beginning when you two would be communicating, what kept you going about him? I mean if you didn't know how he felt, and all he said when you told him how you felt was "awww, thank you," with no reciprocation then how did you know he cared ever? You said you would get offended.

Isn't it tiring to keep expressing your care, but with none in return? I'm patient of course, but sometimes it just seems not worth it if you are the one looking for love and have been in situations like this before ei) bad breakups, relationships, etc in the past.

One other thing, if you were gone for a time in the beginning, away from him, did he ever express he missed you at all when you came back? Or was it just a one way street relationship for a very long time?

Just trying to understand this. Thanks so much!

[DrPhil]

I think you need to know whether he's truly an "introvert" or whether there's something else going on. People assume that "introverts" are shy, have some type of anxiety, or have a problem with relationships but this is not necessarily the case. Sometimes "introvert" is an excuse that people use to behave the way they do. I looked up "introvert" in wikipedia to lazily refamiliarize myself with the labels of "introvert" and "extrovert."

With that said, I couldn't deal with a man who I had to be the voice of the relationship and the one who expressed my emotions, while always trying to figure out what he's feeling or getting him to express himself. Yougc, only you know this man and whether dealing with him on a nonplatonic level is really worth it. If you feel it is worth your patience and your constant need to probe him, then remember that you will be getting what you figuratively signed up for. Just know yourself first because you may never really know him. Or you may really know him because he may open up to you--that's all up to him regardless of how hard you try.

Good luck.

[1stSoon2BePhD]

Originally Posted by yougc

Very interesting! thank you.

In the beginning when you two would be communicating, what kept you going about him? I mean if you didn't know how he felt, and all he said when you told him how you felt was "awww, thank you," with no reciprocation then how did you know he cared ever? You said you would get offended.

Isn't it tiring to keep expressing your care, but with none in return? I'm patient of course, but sometimes it just seems not worth it if you are the one looking for love and have been in situations like this before ei) bad breakups, relationships, etc in the past.

One other thing, if you were gone for a time in the beginning, away from him, did he ever express he missed you at all when you came back? Or was it just a one way street relationship for a very long time?

Just trying to understand this. Thanks so much!

My boyfriend has always been a very sweet and caring individual. He showed how much he loved me from his selfless acts. I always knew that he felt very strongly about me and was just not able to say it. I did wonder a lot in the beginning why he never reciprocated and I did take it personally. Here is what I think - I am a person who believes that there is somebody out there for everyone. The way that my boyfriend treats me is the way that I feel I should be treated by any guy I decide to be with because he is just THAT good to me. No matter who you are with, you and the other person will always have issues. The hard part is determining which issues you can live with (he snores, he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, etc) and which issues you can't put up with. I decided early on that it was something I would help him work through. I know that I am not "every woman" and that many women would expect him to express himself more. It is something that I live with knowing that I am not perfect either and I have issues that I also need to work on. We are just two imperfect people but we are just right for each other.

Of course, if you think the relationship is worth it, you need to talk to him about it ... while we both know that he is introverted, he is constantly working on becoming more social and I have brought it to his attention more than once in the past.

And to answer your last question, he would ALWAYS tell me how much he missed me. As a matter of fact, our relationship is long distance right now and he always tells me that he misses me and he gets very excited when we are going to see each other. I hope I answered everything that you asked!

[1stSoon2BePhD]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Sometimes "introvert" is an excuse that people use to behave the way they do.

I never thought about this, but I agree. You have to know exactly what you are dealing with. In my case, my boyfriend has a history of being withdrawn in social situations. Every situation is different.

[dreamseeker]

Originally Posted by yougc

Very interesting! thank you.

In the beginning when you two would be communicating, what kept you going about him? I mean if you didn't know how he felt, and all he said when you told him how you felt was "awww, thank you," with no reciprocation then how did you know he cared ever? You said you would get offended.

Isn't it tiring to keep expressing your care, but with none in return? I'm patient of course, but sometimes it just seems not worth it if you are the one looking for love and have been in situations like this before ei) bad breakups, relationships, etc in the past.

One other thing, if you were gone for a time in the beginning, away from him, did he ever express he missed you at all when you came back? Or was it just a one way street relationship for a very long time?

Just trying to understand this. Thanks so much!

i'm curious to know: what about his actions? do his actions show that he cares? there are different languages of love- let's see if i can remember them
-physical touch/affection
-words of affirmation
-gifts
-acts of service
-quality time

does ur bf do any of these? while he may not be verbally expressing how he feels, perhaps he is doing it in another way.

just something to consider.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by dreamseeker

i'm curious to know: what about his actions? do his actions show that he cares? there are different languages of love- let's see if i can remember them
-physical touch/affection
-words of affirmation
-gifts
-acts of service
-quality time

does ur bf do any of these? while he may not be verbally expressing how he feels, perhaps he is doing it in another way.

just something to consider.

Cool. I want and need all of those and chose my significant other accordingly.

People need to know what they want and need and go for it. If you feel you're settling for what's available, then you are settling for what's available. It is realistic and possible to get everything you want and need.

[dreamseeker]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Cool. I want and need all of those and chose my significant other accordingly.

People need to know what they want and need and go for it. If you feel you're settling for what's available, then you are settling for what's available. It is realistic and possible to get everything you want and need.

lol, i want them all too, but i think that people are dominant in some and not so much in others. although i feel like my bf and i are becoming more well-rounded to meet each others' needs.

All great answers. Thank you.

Our relationship at the moment is very new. So I'm at the stage where its hard to read the signs exactly what direction this guy of mine wants to take (whether it be just friends or more).

-physical touch/affection
-words of affirmation
-gifts
-acts of service
-quality time

I don't see any of this yet. Though not sure what 'words of affirmation' mean. He is polite, listens and responds with some concern, joking, and fun, but as for any so called act of chivalry or going out of his way to spend time with me, I actually don't see that yet. Maybe I'm missing the signs. In fact, he hasn't made an effort on his part to come after me if we are separated for a time. So I feel (and this is just me) that if I were to ever lose contact, if I stopped on my end, then that would be the end of us. It feels like that. He has told me before that he doesn't want me to stop talking to him, but it's not the same as I miss you phrase.

As for me, I'm not sure if I want this. I really, really like him, sure, but if like 5 years down the road and I'm still the one voicing the love and affection with being in the dark with how he feels about me, I feel, yeah, I would be wasting my time. I brought this to his attention once and he got angry a bit for me mentioning it, saying that he did like talking with me, but had a problem being an introvert.

I'm leaning towards giving up and not wanting to figure out the details later down the road. I've been in bad relationship before where there is a lack of a lot of things, and I'm sorta at that age where I would like someone to be more expressive. Such a shame I guess. But thanks to everyone for their stories and advice! If anyone has got more to say, please do!

[dreamseeker]

Originally Posted by yougc

All great answers. Thank you.

Our relationship at the moment is very new. So I'm at the stage where its hard to read the signs exactly what direction this guy of mine wants to take (whether it be just friends or more).

-physical touch/affection
-words of affirmation
-gifts
-acts of service
-quality time

I don't see any of this yet. Though not sure what 'words of affirmation' mean. He is polite, listens and responds with some concern, joking, and fun, but as for any so called act of chivalry or going out of his way to spend time with me, I actually don't see that yet. Maybe I'm missing the signs. In fact, he hasn't made an effort on his part to come after me if we are separated for a time. So I feel (and this is just me) that if I were to ever lose contact, if I stopped on my end, then that would be the end of us. It feels like that. He has told me before that he doesn't want me to stop talking to him, but it's not the same as I miss you phrase.

As for me, I'm not sure if I want this. I really, really like him, sure, but if like 5 years down the road and I'm still the one voicing the love and affection with being in the dark with how he feels about me, I feel, yeah, I would be wasting my time. I brought this to his attention once and he got angry a bit for me mentioning it, saying that he did like talking with me, but had a problem being an introvert.

I'm leaning towards giving up and not wanting to figure out the details later down the road. I've been in bad relationship before where there is a lack of a lot of things, and I'm sorta at that age where I would like someone to be more expressive. Such a shame I guess. But thanks to everyone for their stories and advice! If anyone has got more to say, please do!

1. words of affirmation are simple things like saying "i love you" and "i miss you", etc. all the things we like to hear.

2. pump the brakes on the 5 yr thinking. please. for your own good.

3. have you had a conversation with him about this? ask him what's the most comfortable way to express his feelings for you. it may not necessarily be easy for you to pick up on what's his thing. it took me over a year to do so because a)i didn't even know there were languages of love, and b)i was looking for MY language so i gave less consideration to his. i'm not saying you're close minded or anything, but try to observe him keeping these things in mind.

also, since its a new relationship, you need to give it more time. if he just likes you and that's it, there may not be too much to express other than "i miss you" when you aren't around each other. and there's no other language to express that other than saying it. lol.

Originally Posted by dreamseeker

1. words of affirmation are simple things like saying "i love you" and "i miss you", etc. all the things we like to hear.

2. pump the brakes on the 5 yr thinking. please. for your own good.

3. have you had a conversation with him about this? ask him what's the most comfortable way to express his feelings for you. it may not necessarily be easy for you to pick up on what's his thing. it took me over a year to do so because a)i didn't even know there were languages of love, and b)i was looking for MY language so i gave less consideration to his. i'm not saying you're close minded or anything, but try to observe him keeping these things in mind.

also, since its a new relationship, you need to give it more time. if he just likes you and that's it, there may not be too much to express other than "i miss you" when you aren't around each other. and there's no other language to express that other than saying it. lol.

1. Probably too soon to hear these words Like I said, he mentioned he liked me, but nothing more. Unless this is as far as introverts go to say.

2. I'm a little scared actually. I'm afraid of saying something wrong and would jeopardize whatever it that I may or may not ever know, and each moment I'm with him, I would be wondering. And I have to be careful with every step I take, every word I say, trying to read what is in front of me without making any wrong move. It's like taking a final exam!

3. yeah it's new, and yeah I'm WAS looking for a typical naive response like you see in the movies or what you would expect. So thanks! I never thought of a different way to the language of romance
I will try to give it more time, but again like I said in #2, I hate anything that ends up bad. I end up regretting it.

I do have another question. If I DO say or do something wrong and he gets effected by it (something like that happened recently but I apologized for it), is that a hint that he might be interested in me or it's nothing? Just curious if having an adverse effect on someone that provokes them to retreat in some way, means they did care about you or does it not mean anything at all....

[dreamseeker]

Originally Posted by yougc

1. Probably too soon to hear these words Like I said, he mentioned he liked me, but nothing more. Unless this is as far as introverts go to say.

2. I'm a little scared actually. I'm afraid of saying something wrong and would jeopardize whatever it that I may or may not ever know, and each moment I'm with him, I would be wondering. And I have to be careful with every step I take, every word I say, trying to read what is in front of me without making any wrong move. It's like taking a final exam!

3. yeah it's new, and yeah I'm WAS looking for a typical naive response like you see in the movies or what you would expect. So thanks! I never thought of a different way to the language of romance
I will try to give it more time, but again like I said in #2, I hate anything that ends up bad. I end up regretting it.

I do have another question. If I DO say or do something wrong and he gets effected by it (something like that happened recently but I apologized for it), is that a hint that he might be interested in me or it's nothing? Just curious if having an adverse effect on someone that provokes them to retreat in some way, means they did care about you or does it not mean anything at all....

with #2 and the last paragraph of what you said...all i can say is that you need to relax big time! lol. while your concerns about saying and doing the wrong things that may hurt him are valid, its more important to be yourself. just let things flow. if you are in a relationship, just focus on getting to know him rather than looking far ahead and trying to determine where things are going. there are risks involved in a relationship, but worrying won't change a thing and you'll miss out on the enjoyable parts of it instead.

Originally Posted by dreamseeker

with #2 and the last paragraph of what you said...all i can say is that you need to relax big time! lol. while your concerns about saying and doing the wrong things that may hurt him are valid, its more important to be yourself. just let things flow. if you are in a relationship, just focus on getting to know him rather than looking far ahead and trying to determine where things are going. there are risks involved in a relationship, but worrying won't change a thing and you'll miss out on the enjoyable parts of it instead.

I guess I'm just scared of being hurt. I have been hurt before and have regrets I wish was easy to let go of. I don't want that to happen to me again. I know it sounds selfish. But I've come to the point that I would even jeopardize a good thing going if I knew it meant it would go no where in the end or hurt me somehow. BUT I will definitely do just as you say and RELAX. Just everytime I'm with him, I get so nervous of doing the wrong thing.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by yougc

I guess I'm just scared of being hurt. I have been hurt before and have regrets I wish was easy to let go of. I don't want that to happen to me again. I know it sounds selfish. But I've come to the point that I would even jeopardize a good thing going if I knew it meant it would go no where in the end or hurt me somehow. BUT I will definitely do just as you say and RELAX. Just everytime I'm with him, I get so nervous of doing the wrong thing.

What are you afraid will happen if you say or do the wrong thing? Relaxing is really good advice. You sound like you're setting yourself up to be in a relationship where you're afraid to express yourself for the sake of your partner. YMMV, but I've learned through experience that the best way not to get hurt is to know myself and to be able to say "here's what I want, here's what I like, here's what is not working for me."

It's not something you have to dump all at once as the relationship is still developing, but if you feel like you have to walk on eggshells, you're never going to be yourself and your entire focus will be on him and his needs and wants and not some how accidentally pushing him away. That's not a very fair relationship to be in.

Just my 2 cents.