How to support a friend if their loves ones are ill.

Tulip86 · #1 10-03-2012, 03:31 PM

Recently a few of my friends have had to deal with loved ones falling ill. Most recovered but unfortunately some are never going to be completely cured.

In most cases, I don't personally know the people who are actually ill, or I've only met them a few times. Nevertheless, I feel so bad for my friends and want to be supportive, but not overstep.

How do you approach these situations?
How have you dealt with these issues in the past?

ree-Xi · #2 10-03-2012, 03:51 PM

Depending on how close they are to the sick person, and how close you are to the person with a sick family member/friend, you can offer prayers/positive thoughts, an ear to listen if they need to talk, a ride to visit their friend, cooking a meal so they dont't have to worry about it (especially if they are the caretaker), offering to run errands, etc.

It is okay to ask "what an i do". It is easier to give a specific answer than asking "is there anything I can do?"

DeltaBetaBaby · #3 10-03-2012, 03:54 PM

FOOD! Seriously, casseroles, stews, or anything else that you can pull out of the freezer and throw in the microwave. One of the worst parts of running around taking care of someone who is sick is that you don't have time to take care of yourself. When my dad was sick, any time I got a home-cooked meal, it was a godsend.

DubaiSis · #4 10-03-2012, 03:57 PM

One of my sisters fell on the ice a few years ago and broke her leg in a couple of places, had to have surgery and was completely off her feet for weeks. AND she had a 6 and 8 year old at the time with VERY full schedules. One of her friends, without asking, sent out a spreadsheet to all of their circle of friends, setting sign-ups for dropping off and picking up the kids at every single one of their activities, and meals delivered to her home 3 times a week for 2 or 3 months. When it was fully scheduled, she let my sister know. There was no discussion of "what can I do to help?" or "please let me know if you need anything." My sister would never in a million years have asked for this kind of help from any of her friends, but can you imagine what a godsend that was? I hope that given the same opportunity to help I'd do the same thing. The problem is I simply wouldn't think to be that awesome.

AZTheta · #5 10-03-2012, 04:00 PM

^^^what DBB said. I also make a little card, write something personal, and include a gift card to Starbucks or a restaurant, a fast food or pizza place if that's suitable. Sometimes the person/family just needs to stop and pick up something quick. And I might not have time to fix a casserole and get it delivered.

Having experienced some times in my life when I was dependent on others, I second ree's comment: be specific in asking "what can I do?" That's how I could tell the person was really wanting to help. If they said "just let me know if you need anything" I pretty much figured that was meaningless. Why? After a time or two of calling and getting a "I would like to but I'm busy" response, I crossed those people off the "help list".

LouisaMay · #6 10-03-2012, 04:27 PM

I love that you are asking this! You must be a great friend.

I would second everything already listed. I think a card with a heart-felt note goes a long, long way. It just lets the person know that you realize they are in a tough spot and you love them. I also don't think it hurts to send a note to the sick person even if you aren't close. You can say something like, "Hi. I am a friend of your daughter So-and-So. Although I don't know you personally, I am praying for you during your illness."

A gas gift card can be very helpful. When I've had family in the hospital or needing many doctor visits, they commented on how fast their gas tanks seemed to go to empty!

The following article really helped me when a very close friend had cancer. I don't agree 100% with her comment about prayer, but I completely respect her position. I thought it might help you or other GC readers.

http://www.theawl.com/2011/06/actually-awesome-things-to-say-to-a-cancer-patient

DeltaBetaBaby · #7 10-03-2012, 04:28 PM

Also, don't worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. The important part is that you say/do something.

LaneSig · #8 10-03-2012, 04:36 PM

^^
All the above. Point blank ask what the person needs:

-"Tell me what you need from the grocery store." vs. "Is there anything I can get for you?"

-"Let me take your laundry home and wash a couple of loads." Or, take things to the dry-cleaners and pick it up for them.

-Do they have a pet? Ask if they would let you pet sit (if you can) a couple of days at your house.

Anything that can help.

Tulip86 · #9 10-03-2012, 04:42 PM

Thanks for all of the advice!
We're just at that age (mid-late twenties) when parents start to fall ill. It has happened around me before, I even have my own experiences, but this is the first time that someone is "incurably" ill with any form of urgency (as in, several years left to live instead of decades).

WCsweet<3 · #10 10-03-2012, 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzTheta

Having experienced some times in my life when I was dependent on others, I second ree's comment: be specific in asking "what can I do?" That's how I could tell the person was really wanting to help. If they said "just let me know if you need anything" I pretty much figured that was meaningless. Why? After a time or two of calling and getting a "I would like to but I'm busy" response, I crossed those people off the "help list".

I second everything that has been said here, but especially the quoted. My family has had to deal with medical problems for years, but had a few especially hard years when I was younger. Some of the best things that happened during those years:
-someone taking care of me (I was ten) and taking me out to do things such as swimming, dance classes etc. If they have younger siblings taking them to get ice cream and go to the park speaks volumes. Movies, parks, museums etc.

-my godmother sneaking into the house a couple times and vacuuming, doing dishes, dusting and cleaning the bathrooms. She didn't want to touch clutter just in case it was important, but could do basic cleaning things that one just doesn't always have time for. This probably depends on your relationship with the person, but my godmother was also our neighbor and ridiculously close to the family.

-our refrigerator magically getting stocked with basic snacky food every so often. Not dinner, but snack foods that could be grabbed as we run to the hospital or food I could eat for breakfast.

-hand written notes

-visiting and talking. Most people stay away because, in my experience, A) they think we are too busy or B) they don't like to be around sick people/hospitals. However, it can get super lonely and boring depending on what is wrong. When you are sitting in a hospital room day in and day out, there isn't that much to do, especially if the sick person is asleep a lot. Chatting with a friend is always enjoyable.

PhoenixAzul · #11 10-04-2012, 03:46 PM

I've got nothing on this, except this article, which I shared with a bunch of friends earlier in the year. As a person with a chronic condition, I think it really gives non-chronically ill folk a good idea of what we're dealing with.

http://stangoldbergwriter.com/about/...ealthy-people/

PGD-GRAD · #12 10-04-2012, 04:51 PM

LaneSig is spot on. Many folks in these situations feel overwhelmed with everyday work, let alone the responsibility they may have as full-time or partial caregivers. Be supportive, give kind words--but also give them TIME. By offering to do some tasks for them, it gives them a chance to breathe.

adpiucf · #13 10-04-2012, 05:45 PM

If you're local, food is awesome, as others have mentioned. I have a friend who is very sick right now and I live far away. I send a card once a week. It's something small, but his wife (a sorority sister) tells me that everytime he is hospitalized, he gathers up all of the cards everyone has sent and puts them around the hospital room to help give him strength. It also makes him really happy to get mail that is supportive and not a bill!

Just do things to let them know you care. Heck, a gift of a DVD or a plate of cookies will go a long way.

Bamamom13 · #14 10-04-2012, 07:10 PM

I have been on the receiving end of all of this. I lost my husband to cancer two and a half years ago. So, from experience, I thought I would chime in on this thread. Food is great but send it in a container that can be thrown away. It is too hard to try to remember who's dish goes with who. Also, if you do a food schedule, don't send food everyday. It is overwhelming and nobody has that much refrigerator space. Help with household chores is really nice, but don't wait to be asked. if somebody asked what they could do to help, I just said nothing. Sometimes it is just too hard to give anything more than that for an answer. But most importantly...don't go away. People were there when he first passed away but now I am easily forgotten. The same group of friends that we did things with all the time go about their fun, and I am just left behind. Don't invite a widow to something that will be all couples. Plan a girl's night. Invite her over for a movie night. But, please remember, it will always be difficult for your sister. When your world is turned upside down, it is something from which you never fully recover.

BlueOwl · #15 10-04-2012, 08:32 PM

Ditto all of the above! When I had cancer my children were in 2nd and 6th grade. I was so grateful that friends of mine packed their lunches everyday (with food that my kids liked eating) and they often included a little treat such as a piece of candy or a sticker. I loved it when people offered to walk our dog. Finally, it was a special friend who took me to the hair salon for a shampoo and blowdry! Heaven! Because I was pretty much bed-blound, my hair looked great for days which really lifted my spirits. Cards and letters meant the world to me and I kept them in a basket at my bedside. I still have them and they are treasures. God Bless!