lady_chem's Disappointing Recruitment

[lady_chem]

Hey GC,

I joined fairly recently after lurking for several weeks. I just finished sorority recruitment at my school, and I want to tell my story. My mom is anti-Greek and doesn't give any opinions other than, "You don't need that, you can do other stuff." Bid Day was today.

Background: I go to a small school. Until this summer, I was absolutely against becoming a Greek woman. I took an intense summer class, and my two favorite female sophomore counselors were both in ABC at my school. I thought, "Hey, they seem awesome, it can't be that bad." Plus, all of our sophomore counselors would talk about how different Greek life is here when compared to other schools. I have always felt like I never fit in, and I though that Greek life would encourage me to step out of my shell and get involved on campus. I don't think I would have tried if I were at a bigger school.

Our chapters are all quite new, being 15 years old or less.

Freshman year started up, and Recruitment with it. Each of our three sororities had a "pre-party" and I went to all of them. I kept an open mind, but I didn't feel any click whatsoever with one of them, which I'll call DEF. I felt very fond of XYZ because all the women were friendly and sweet.

When the formal part of Recruitment started, I still wasn't sure about joining, but once again I kept my mind open.

[lady_chem]

Our FMR is made up of 3 parties, one per week, and Bid Day is the day after Preference.

First Party: My party order was XYZ, ABC, and DEF.
First round: I talked to 5 women, including the President. I still had a high opinion of them from their pre-party and it didn't change. I enjoyed my time there, and I also liked the organization's values as a whole. The only thing that threw me off was that most of them seemed to be athletes and I'm not sports-like.
Second Round: I enjoyed the people I talked to, but didn't feel as much of a click. They have the highest average GPA of all Greek chapters at my school, and their academic support system intrigued me greatly.
Third Round: Once again, I felt no relationship forming between me and the members. This chapter is the newest one and numbers are still small.

Second Party (order: DEF, XYZ, ABC)
First Round: We played a board game with trivia questions related to the organization. I still felt no click with the two people at my table, but I did enjoy getting to know one of them.
Second Round: My conversations with them weren't as good as they were before. Once again I ended up speaking with the President, but I didn't feel as comfortable this time around. They video taped a skit, but it didn't appeal to me.
Third Round: I fell in love with ABC. Their skit was so creative and showed off the talent of the group. One of my counselors from the summer thing got to talk with me, and that was very nice. I ended up with the President of this group, and I liked her but didn't feel a strong click.

Second Party cemented my decision: I knew I wanted to be a Greek.

Preference Party (I was invited back to all three in the order ABC, XYZ, DEF):
First Round: I ended up talking with the President again for the whole time. I was disappointed because I felt I wanted to meet other sisters I could relate with better (there were plenty I had met before). The candle ceremony was so meaningful and beautiful. Unfortunately I was clumsy and knocked over my dessert cup and got Oreo crumbs on the table.
Second Round: Conversations were good, and I felt really comfortable. One of the women didn't seem too interested in talking to me.
Third Round: Conversation was better than in previous times. The Preference ceremony was so beautiful and involved both PNMs and Actives. I was preffed by both the woman I had slightly better conversation with the week before and the President. I still felt no click whatsoever.

I deliberated between ABC and XYZ for a while, and put DEF down as my third choice. I didn't want to snub them and based on the previous parties, I felt confident I would get a bid from one of the other two. I put ABC as my first choice because I knew I would fit in.

[lady_chem]

I was SO excited for Bid Day! The thought of it got me through the week. We weren't allowed to open our envelopes until everyone got them. I opened mine up to find a card for DEF. My first thought was a mix of sadness, hurt, and confusion. I wasn't sure what to think, I wanted one of the other two so badly! I didn't think it went bad at all at any of the parties.

We had maybe 30 girls at Bid Day, 4 of which are in DEF (that includes me). I know the numbers of DEF are smaller because they're newer, but I'm hurt that out of all that are in the other chapters, somehow I didn't make it. I never felt any sort of bond with DEF, but I just knew ABC would be the best match for me.

Perhaps I didn't make my interest clear enough. Maybe I shouldn't have put down DEF despite the fact that I didn't feel like I was meant for it.

After we opened our bids, we went with our group to hang out for the night. DEF doesn't have a house/suite/block of rooms, so we went to the house that one of the active's boyfriend is renting. Half an hour away. I felt so out of place the entire evening. I wanted to give them another chance, but I still didn't feel it whatsoever. I wanted to leave, but didn't because a) we were far from campus, and b) I didn't want to be rude. They were all so nice to me anyway, why should I be rude? I ended up leaving earlier with a group going back to deliver bids to athletes returning from competition.

I got to my room and started bawling. I'm not supposed to feel this awful on Bid Day! Everyone kept talking about how they just got this feeling they belonged, and how it felt like home. I don't have that feeling. I just feel dread and hurt.

I feel rejected. I've been rejected from various social situations my whole life, and I knew I found somewhere where I would belong and be accepted.

I called one of our Membership Recruitment Counselors (essentially our version of Rho Chi) to talk about my feelings. We're going to meet tomorrow to talk things over. I'm not sure what that will do, but at this point I'm not planning on staying with DEF. I just don't feel it.

The thing that bugs me most is that two girls in my MRC group would always complain and make fun of stuff ABC did at their parties, and would go on about how stupid and cheesy it was. I found it beautiful. They both are in ABC now. I want to be slightly infuriated.

There's my (really long) recruitment story. I needed to share it somewhere.

[nittanygirl]

Originally Posted by lady_chem

The thing that bugs me most is that two girls in my MRC group would always complain and make fun of stuff ABC did at their parties, and would go on about how stupid and cheesy it was. I found it beautiful. They both are in ABC now. I want to be slightly infuriated.

This happened to me when I went through a structured informal the day we got our invites back. All of my top 4 chapters had dropped me and girls were complaining they got back my favorite. It's disheartening.

That being said, after other informal recruitment, I ended up accepting a bid to what was a chapter that had not impressed me (but that I hadn't disliked) through a COB situation. While I may not have felt a connection through the stress of visiting so many chapters, one on one, I love these girls now and loved them at their COB event, etc. I'm so happy I ended up where I did. Even though it's only been a few weeks, they have been some of the best of my college experience.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by lady_chem

I never felt any sort of bond with DEF, but I just knew ABC would be the best match for me.

OK, at such a small school/rush I can say this with authority. ABC was NOT the best match for you. You have to trust the girls at ABC on this one. Don't be angry with them or think you failed - in chapters/rushes this small it's not as though you fell through the cracks. It's not a matter of liking someone or not liking someone, it's a matter of who fits where. There are women who went through rush that I loved to death but I knew they would not fit into our chapter or be happy there.

Reading back over your posts, it honestly sounds like you had the most positive things to say about DEF, the ones who gave you a bid. Look back over these posts and pretend someone else wrote them, and then tell us what you think.

As far of the girls that made fun of the group where they are now, it's possible they were doing so as a self-defense mechanism - to cut their losses in case they didn't get a bid.

I'll say what I said before: from now on, ABC and XYZ do not exist. They have ceased to be. You have to quit saying "IF I would have gotten a bid to one of the other 2 groups, THEN I would have been happy." (FWIW, it's a pretty good plan to not say "If ___________, then I would have been happy" in general for life.)

[qbt1990]

Originally Posted by 33girl

OK, at such a small school/rush I can say this with authority. ABC was NOT the best match for you. You have to trust the girls at ABC on this one.

This is sooo true. ABC made your decision for you, and honestly, do you really want to be part of a group that didn't think you'd fit in with them?

[AnchorAlumna]

Please consider sticking with your group at least a couple more weeks. You're not eligible to pledge anywhere else for a year anyway. The first gathering or two can be awkward as you get to know each other. At least give it a chance.

[thetygerlily]

Originally Posted by 33girl

OK, at such a small school/rush I can say this with authority. ABC was NOT the best match for you. You have to trust the girls at ABC on this one. Don't be angry with them or think you failed - in chapters/rushes this small it's not as though you fell through the cracks. It's not a matter of liking someone or not liking someone, it's a matter of who fits where. There are women who went through rush that I loved to death but I knew they would not fit into our chapter or be happy there.

As someone who went through a very small system as well (~30 PNMs during formal with 3 chapters), this is what rings most true to me out of all the comments in this thread. When I went through, I was absolutely crushed that my ABC cut me. I was trying to figure out my chances of getting in through informal, whether it was worth joining another group, and just agonizing. I spent several hours trying to decide whether to sign my bid card for DEF. But you know what? I took a chance on DEF who really, really wanted me and they were right. I didn't fit in at ABC but I didn't realize it at the time. I didn't realize that for another year or two, not until I got to know all the chapters better. I still have a lot of respect for all of them, it just wasn't right for me.

So ditto what everyone else has said. I know it's hard- I really do. But put everything you've got into your new member period with DEF and see what happens. If it's not the right place for you, then you know you gave it your best effort & you can possibly try to go through formal again next year (but there's no way to know how that'll wind up). If it is the right place for you, then awesome. You took a chance and it paid off, big time. Membership is for life- while I am incredibly close to many of my chapter sisters several years after college, I'm also so proud to be part of my organization on a national level. Truly, you don't know until you try.

Best of luck to you.

[Splash]

Question? I often hear the phrase tossed around, they wouldn't fit in that chapter. What if that is the chapter they end up with a bid too? Would you still encourage them to give it a shot? Can a PNM really fit with any chapter through effort and open-mindedness?

[thetygerlily]

Originally Posted by Splash

Question? I often hear the phrase tossed around, they wouldn't fit in that chapter. What if that is the chapter they end up with a bid too? Would you still encourage them to give it a shot? Can a PNM really fit with any chapter through effort and open-mindedness?

Usually it's the chapter that has a clearer view of this- they are the ones who know the chapter the best and know what they need, want, and can deal with. A dealbreaker for one chapter might be highly desired in another chapter. Like leadership- you can't have a chapter full of leaders who don't also know how to follow. The leader goes through recruitment and has a lot to offer, but her first choice chapter doesn't see it the same way because they already have too many people with that character trait. Or vice versa with followers- a chapter full of followers with no clear leaders won't go anywhere. Okay, that's kind of a simplified version but hopefully that gets the point across. It doesn't always work out, we're all human. But ultimately the chapters are the authorities on best fit.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Splash

Question? I often hear the phrase tossed around, they wouldn't fit in that chapter. What if that is the chapter they end up with a bid to? Would you still encourage them to give it a shot? Can a PNM really fit with any chapter through effort and open-mindedness?

That honestly depends on the size of the chapter and the Greek system as a whole.

It also depends if that phrase means "I felt like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs" or "I felt like Grace Kelly in a room full of Roseanne Barrs."

But in general, making a permanent decision that you "don't fit" is not advisable if you've given it less than 72 hours, no matter the size of the group.

[PhiMuMagnolia]

Keep your chin up, girl. Everything happens for a reason; you were meant to get a bid to this house, regardless of whether you choose to stick with it or not. After the situation resolves itself (whenever and however it does), you'll be able to look back and say "oh, that's why!".

[DubaiSis]

So by the way, it took me about 4 seconds to figure out what school you go to, so I'd be careful what you say here. But please keep in mind that it takes time for a new chapter to establish itself on campus. As you said, they don't even have the housing they need yet to really be a part of the campus culture. IF you can give them a chance and can be part of the growth and establishment they need, you may have all those things you desire by the time you graduate.

Before you throw in the towel you might look into the plans they have for a dorm floor or a house or something. It might make a huge difference in your feeling part of something. Choosing to go to a boyfriend's apartment for a new member gathering was not a very smooth plan, but I'd make sure it was just one stupid mistake and not an ongoing way of handling things.

You do have to do what's going to make you happy, and it's too bad you weren't explained thoroughly enough the repercussions of what you put on your pref card, but please keep in mind that Greek membership is for a lifetime and it can be very fulfilling, even when you're in the small chapter on campus. Good luck!

[kddani]

Originally Posted by lady_chem

Hey GC,

I joined fairly recently after lurking for several weeks. I just finished sorority recruitment at my school, and I want to tell my story. My mom is anti-Greek and doesn't give any opinions other than, "You don't need that, you can do other stuff." Bid Day was today.

Background: I go to a small engineering school in the Midwest with less than 2000 students, roughly 20% of which are female. Until this summer, I was absolutely against becoming a Greek woman. I took an intense summer class, and my two favorite female sophomore counselors were both in ABC at my school. I thought, "Hey, they seem awesome, it can't be that bad." Plus, all of our sophomore counselors would talk about how different Greek life is here when compared to other schools. I have always felt like I never fit in, and I though that Greek life would encourage me to step out of my shell and get involved on campus. I don't think I would have tried if I were at a bigger school.

Our school has been co-ed for just over 10 years. Two of our sororities were formed in 1997 and the other became a chapter in 2007.

Freshman year started up, and Recruitment with it. Each of our three sororities had a "pre-party" and I went to all of them. I kept an open mind, but I didn't feel any click whatsoever with one of them, which I'll call DEF. I felt very fond of XYZ because all the women were friendly and sweet.

When the formal part of Recruitment started, I still wasn't sure about joining, but once again I kept my mind open.

Originally Posted by lady_chem

Our FMR is made up of 3 parties, one per week, and Bid Day is the day after Preference.

First Party: My party order was XYZ, ABC, and DEF.
First round: I talked to 5 women, including the President. I still had a high opinion of them from their pre-party and it didn't change. I enjoyed my time there, and I also liked the organization's values as a whole. The only thing that threw me off was that most of them seemed to be athletes and I'm not sports-like.
Second Round: I enjoyed the people I talked to, but didn't feel as much of a click. They have the highest average GPA of all Greek chapters at my school, and their academic support system intrigued me greatly.
Third Round: Once again, I felt no relationship forming between me and the members. This chapter is the newest one and numbers are still small.

Second Party (order: DEF, XYZ, ABC)
First Round: We played a board game with trivia questions related to the organization. I still felt no click with the two people at my table, but I did enjoy getting to know one of them.
Second Round: My conversations with them weren't as good as they were before. Once again I ended up speaking with the President, but I didn't feel as comfortable this time around. They video taped a skit, but it didn't appeal to me.
Third Round: I fell in love with ABC. Their skit was so creative and showed off the talent of the group. One of my counselors from the summer thing got to talk with me, and that was very nice. I ended up with the President of this group, and I liked her but didn't feel a strong click.

Second Party cemented my decision: I knew I wanted to be a Greek.

Preference Party (I was invited back to all three in the order ABC, XYZ, DEF):
First Round: I ended up talking with the President again for the whole time. I was disappointed because I felt I wanted to meet other sisters I could relate with better (there were plenty I had met before). The candle ceremony was so meaningful and beautiful. Unfortunately I was clumsy and knocked over my dessert cup and got Oreo crumbs on the table.
Second Round: Conversations were good, and I felt really comfortable. One of the women didn't seem too interested in talking to me.
Third Round: Conversation was better than in previous times. The Preference ceremony was so beautiful and involved both PNMs and Actives. I was preffed by both the woman I had slightly better conversation with the week before and the President. I still felt no click whatsoever.

I deliberated between ABC and XYZ for a while, and put DEF down as my third choice. I didn't want to snub them and based on the previous parties, I felt confident I would get a bid from one of the other two. I put ABC as my first choice because I knew I would fit in.

Originally Posted by lady_chem

I was SO excited for Bid Day! The thought of it got me through the week. We weren't allowed to open our envelopes until everyone got them. I opened mine up to find a card for DEF. My first thought was a mix of sadness, hurt, and confusion. I wasn't sure what to think, I wanted one of the other two so badly! I didn't think it went bad at all at any of the parties.

We had maybe 30 girls at Bid Day, 4 of which are in DEF (that includes me). I know the numbers of DEF are smaller because they're newer, but I'm hurt that out of all that are in the other chapters, somehow I didn't make it. I never felt any sort of bond with DEF, but I just knew ABC would be the best match for me.

Perhaps I didn't make my interest clear enough. Maybe I shouldn't have put down DEF despite the fact that I didn't feel like I was meant for it.

After we opened our bids, we went with our group to hang out for the night. DEF doesn't have a house/suite/block of rooms, so we went to the house that one of the active's boyfriend is renting. Half an hour away. I felt so out of place the entire evening. I wanted to give them another chance, but I still didn't feel it whatsoever. I wanted to leave, but didn't because a) we were far from campus, and b) I didn't want to be rude. They were all so nice to me anyway, why should I be rude? I ended up leaving earlier with a group going back to deliver bids to athletes returning from competition.

I got to my room and started bawling. I'm not supposed to feel this awful on Bid Day! Everyone kept talking about how they just got this feeling they belonged, and how it felt like home. I don't have that feeling. I just feel dread and hurt.

I feel rejected. I've been rejected from various social situations my whole life, and I knew I found somewhere where I would belong and be accepted.

I called one of our Membership Recruitment Counselors (essentially our version of Rho Chi) to talk about my feelings. We're going to meet tomorrow to talk things over. I'm not sure what that will do, but at this point I'm not planning on staying with DEF. I just don't feel it.

The thing that bugs me most is that two girls in my MRC group would always complain and make fun of stuff ABC did at their parties, and would go on about how stupid and cheesy it was. I found it beautiful. They both are in ABC now. I want to be slightly infuriated.

There's my (really long) recruitment story. I needed to share it somewhere.

QFP

[lady_chem]

DubaiSis = Thank you for reminding me about what I say, I do need to remember to take that into consideration. Perhaps waiting until the emotions had died down would have been better.

Please understand that I do not wish to discount these women, but I truly feel nothing in common with them. It doesn't matter to me that they don't have a house or designated living area, so to say. That's not what I'm looking for in a sisterhood.