Once you accept a bid...

[Pawn]

I was never in a sorority but have been trying to give my daughter, a freshman some good advice. I've been reading tons of posts on this site and your stories/answers have been great. My daughter recently finished recruitment and ended up with a bid to a chapter she did not feel comfortable with. Don't get me wrong, its a great chapter and many girls she knows were thrilled with their bids. She just does not feel that it is the place for her. She's kind of shy and not a big partier, like many of the girls in the chapter. Anyway, I encouraged her to accept the bid, which she did. Now she's worried she did the wrong thing. If she decides to quit now, before initiation, does that preclude her from going through COB this year or rushing again next year? Would she have been better off not listing this chapter after preference night and only going with one choice (she obviously did not get her first choice and would not have received any bid)? Or not accepting the bid? I'm worried I gave her bad advice. She's very disappointed--help!

[Benzgirl]

Originally Posted by Pawn

If she decides to quit now, before initiation, does that preclude her from going through COB this year or rushing again next year? Would she have been better off not listing this chapter after preference night and only going with one choice (she obviously did not get her first choice and would not have received any bid)? Or not accepting the bid? I'm worried I gave her bad advice. She's very disappointed--help!

Yes, it precludes her from COB.
You wouldn't have known at the time if it was better to list it or not. You did the right thing to encourage her to stick it out.

[aephi alum]

She won't be able to go through COB this year. She would be able to participate in recruitment next year, but at many schools it's more difficult for a sophomore to get a bid.

The new member period is intended to give each NM an opportunity to determine if she wants to go through with initiation and become a full sister. Four or five days of whirlwind parties don't really give a PNM enough information to make a lifetime commitment to a sorority. The new member period (even though it's only a few weeks) gives each NM a chance to interact with her pledge sisters and with other sisters she may not have met during rush, and to decide whether to commit. Once initiated into an NPC sorority, you may never join another, even if you deaffiliate from the first.

Also, your daughter should keep in mind that, by her senior year, the current sisters will have graduated and the body of active sisters may be quite different.

[Pawn]

I told her to see how it goes this week. And to give people a chance--maybe they're not as different from her as they seem. She's just so sad that "most people I know got their first choice..." and "why did this chapter even want me?" How long do you have to make a decision before initiation?

[AnchorAlumna]

Believe me, MANY also did NOT get their first choice - she's probably concentrating on that. The sorority should have given her the date of initiation - if it's only been a week, it may be next week before they get it. The NM periods generally run from 6 to 8 or 9 weeks, so it would be, roughly, mid to late October...maybe early November. Encourage her to go to EVERYTHING and be friendly. As with anything, the more you participate, the more you get out of the experience. Give it at least 4 or 5 weeks.
Good luck to her!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by AnchorAlumna

Believe me, MANY also did NOT get their first choice - she's probably concentrating on that. The sorority should have given her the date of initiation - if it's only been a week, it may be next week before they get it. The NM periods generally run from 6 to 8 or 9 weeks, so it would be, roughly, mid to late October...maybe early November. Encourage her to go to EVERYTHING and be friendly. As with anything, the more you participate, the more you get out of the experience. Give it at least 4 or 5 weeks.
Good luck to her!

Agreed with this whole post. Especially that she needs to go to everything scheduled and get to know as many girls as possible. Too many freshmen have come from situations where they've known everyone in their social circle all their lives and they forget how to make friends with people they don't know at all.

You have to remember, she is in college and they're all living together & interacting w/ each other all the time so 4-5 weeks in college is more like 6-8 months in grownup time.

[violetpretty]

She is not eligible for COB at only chapters now or in the spring. However, she IS eligible to go through recruitment next fall whether she drops out today or right before initiation. She really has nothing to lose by sticking it out longer in her NM period and trying to feel at home to be sure.

[Pawn]

Thank you all. I'll let her know what you thought. I'm glad she has time to think about it and get to know the girls better. And, if it doesn't work out with this chapter there's always next year.

[FSUZeta]

if her chapter has a house, she will get a better feel for the chapter by spending as much time as she can there and interacting with the members living in. if they serve meals, she should try to be there during lunch and dinner. try to make some friends with girls in her pledge class. it is not uncommon for some new members to suffer from varying degrees of "buyers remorse".

[PJS]

Originally Posted by Pawn

My daughter recently finished recruitment and ended up with a bid to a chapter she did not feel comfortable with. Don't get me wrong, its a great chapter and many girls she knows were thrilled with their bids. She just does not feel that it is the place for her. She's kind of shy and not a big partier, like many of the girls in the chapter. Anyway, I encouraged her to accept the bid, which she did. Now she's worried she did the wrong thing. . . She's very disappointed--help!

A similar thing happened to my daughter last year. She is conservative and a serious student, and was cut by the two houses where she felt she fit so very well. Her self esteem was pretty banged up and she was very disappointed. She pledged a house that has its share of partiers and she didn't know if she would fit in.

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

if her chapter has a house, she will get a better feel for the chapter by spending as much time as she can there and interacting with the members living in. if they serve meals, she should try to be there during lunch and dinner. try to make some friends with girls in her pledge class. it is not uncommon for some new members to suffer from varying degrees of "buyers remorse".

This is great advice. My dot found a couple of girls in her pledge class last fall that were more like her, and that made all the difference. It takes a while to meet and get to know different people and find out where you fit. Within a couple of months, she was happy to be in the house, and now absolutely loves it. Their campus just finished recruitment, and she commented how that pulls the house together. It made her appreciate the strengths that different girls bring to the house. Although she may not agree with some other's personal choices (drinking etc), she saw how much everyone loved the house and that they each bring different strengths (creativity, high GPA, spirit, organizational skills) to the group. "Living in" is also proving to be a good lesson in group dynamics! Finally, she is excited with the new pledge class that she had a chance to be a part of selecting and will have a chance to help "mentor." aephi alum had a good point when she said that by the time your daughter is a senior, the current sisters will have graduated and the goup may be quite different.

Your daughter will really lose nothing by trying this out for a couple of weeks. And the more effort she gives the trial period (facebooking other new members is a good option even if she is shy), the better outcome she is likely to have. I'm not saying her feelings are going to change overnight, but it is worth a try. Although many on GC have shared stories of bad recruitment experiences followed by successful COB or rerushing, I think most girls overestimate those options when they drop out of formal recruitment. Your first shot at freshman recruitment generally gives the best outcome. I think you gave her good advice.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by PJS

facebooking other new members is a good option even if she is shy

Oooh, good idea, mom.

[MaggieXi]

I also think in the begining, the more extroverted sisters are usually more visible right when you get new members. The shy sisters, like your daughter, may be more in the background. I highly doubt that all the sisters are boisterous partiers, if they gave your daughter a bid, then the sisters see something in her. Something that probably mirrors some of the sisters. IMHO, she should stick it out for at least a little while and see if she clicks with anyone who is like she is.

[adpiucf]

By sticking it out, that means coming to at least a few social events with the intent that she is going to smile and go up to people and introduce herself to them, spending some time hanging out at the house and having a good attitude about the whole thing--- not just being a member in name only and sulking! Good luck!

[Pawn]

She went to the house last night and it "wasn't horrible". She also made friends with a girl in the pledge class who's a friend of a camp friend. So, I'm proud of her for trying to make the best of the situation. Whatever happens I'm just glad she's giving it a chance. Thanks for all your great ideas!

[gee_ess]

Pawn, definitely encourage her to stick it out for a few weeks. The "partier" reputation may not be as accurate as she thinks. I assure you (and her) that there are partiers in every house, just as there are bible study groups, 4.0's, etc. Diversity is truly what Greek life promotes.

That said, getting your second choice takes some time to adjust to, and it is easy to focus on the negative. Some people handle it better than others, but in my experience, it is usually always difficult to accept (especially if your daughter is in the south or SEC where peer pressure is a factor) Your daughter may want to confide in her New Member Chair who can possibly put her in touch with a older member or two who also had this happen to them and who are totally happy with the way things turned out.

Good luck and hang in there!