Concerned about a situation in cousin's chapter.

[Dionysus]

One of my closest cousins joined a fraternity about a year ago. There's a newer member in his chapter who is kind of unstable. Supposedly, he gets really drunk at parties, gets really depressed, and then cuts himself. One time he went out on the balcony (on the 6th floor), and just stared down at the ground for like 10 minutes.

I'm concerned not only for this guy, but for everyone in my cousin's chapter. This guy is like 6'6'' and 300+ pounds. If this guy happens to get violent towards other people, I don't think anyone could restrain him. I don't know if he's the type to act violent towards other people, but this situation makes me feel very uncomfortable.

What actions should my cousin and/or his chapter take? More specifically, what should they do at the parties, since that is when he acts unstable?

[AKA_Monet]

Obviously, he needs to talk to someone professionally. The issue is he is developing a bad habit of consuming alcohol beyond his physiological capacity and allowing that substance to wreck havoc on his reasonable judgment to the threat of violence.

Firstly universities are coming down hard of that behavior due to its unpredictability. So, to be pre-emptive, there could be a mandatory alcohol and substance abuse presentation made by local officials and that all members are required to go so that a professional healthcare provider will be made available after the presentation...

IMO, that would be the quickest way to get him to seeing someone professionally.

I would not recommend any kind of friendly confrontation because he may view it as an attack and may still be in denial. That is my opinion.

[Benzgirl]

^^^^ Absolutely agree. Self-injury is a personality disorder and is sometimes considered an impulse-control behavior problem. Most frequently sufferers do it because they are numb and want to feel pain. Alcohol only makes things worse.

The chapter needs to encourage their brother to get help. Many behavioral disorders, particularly in males, come out in the late teens and early twenties.

Maybe the fraternity can do it subtly by having a social worker speak to the chapter on mood and behavioral disorders (avoid the word "mental"). They could do it as a risk management program.

[Leslie Anne]

Sorry I've got to butt in here but I see this being taken completely the wrong way and it's causing me a great deal of concern.

First off, self-injury actually is not a personality disorder. Coming down hard on him isn't the way to resolve it and an alcohol & substance abuse presentation isn't going to help him the least bit.

This young man definitely needs professional help immediately. Most self-injurers do not become violent towards others because it is not about violence to begin with. It's a coping mechanism. I don't have the answers about how to approach him except that it should be done with compassion.

Dionysus, I can understand your concern for the safety of your cousin and the other members of the fraternity. Obviously since I don't know this guy I can't say if he could become violent to others in addition to be a self-injurer. I have a very good resource for this question so I'm going to take it there and I'll let you know what I learn.

[Adopt-a-Lab-GA]

Goodness, it sounds like this new member needs the help of a mental health professional asap. As a private mental health practitioner, I am not telling you how to handle this specific situation...it would be unethical for me to do so, not having seen this person myself. However, here are some suggestions for situations like this.

Encourage his big brother or someone close to him to have a one on one talk with him and encourage him to seek counseling. Most universities now have very competent counselors on staff at their college/univ health centers.

If their is no counselor or psychologist at the university/college mental health center, then have him utilize the mental health services that are provided by his health insurance. Most college students are on their parents' insurance. If that is the case for him, there should be a #1-800 type number on the back of his insurance card for mental health/substance abuse. He can call that number and get a referral for someone to see in his area.

Re: him being potentially dangerous and the personality disorder issue, no, it is highly unlikely that he would be dangerous to others. He clearly has a pattern of taking his feelings out on himself, not others. That past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. So, if anything, he would be at risk for increased self harm, NOT harm to others.

In addition, while tendencies toward self harm can sometimes be part of a larger personality disorder spectrum, that is not always the case. For example, many people with anxiety, esp in the college age group, will lack the coping skills to deal with general anxiety and will use self harm as a temporary way to cope. As unhealthy as it is, often a combo of cognitive behavioral therapy for the anxiety, a good support system and decreased alcohol intake may completely alleviate his tendencies toward self harm.

It's best for the chapter to approach situations like this with a nonjudgemental and caring attitude. That will be more healthy for them and will also help the new member to see that he will not be chastized in any way for getting some help.

[skylark]

I'll chime in here, too, to say that cutting yourself doesn't necessarily mean that person is about to go apesh!t on everyone. It is a not uncommon symptom/coping mechanism of clinical depression or bipolar disorder and it would be really unfortunate to conclude that this young man is more unstable than he actually is. Yes, he needs help, but no, this behavior doesn't mean he's so unstable you should be afraid to approach him about his problems.

On approaching the member about getting mental health: you don't want it to seem like you are trying to pawn off this guy's problems on a stranger instead of his friends/brothers... because he may be having some issues with blaming others for not being supportive.

I think the most caring and sincere way to communicate to someone that you care and because you care you want to help is FIRST to spend some time talking to him (preferably when sober) about how he feels and why he sometimes does these things. Something like "Hey man, I noticed you seemed down today/yesterday/last week and I wanted you to know that you can talk to me if you'd like about this stuff. I know that sometimes talking to someone about a problem sometimes makes it a lot easier to deal with." Then, if he says he wants to talk... LISTEN. Only at the end of when he's done talking (or if he says he doesn't want to talk about it with you), suggest that either you/a friend/a relative has really had a lot of success with counseling and "hey man, it never hurts to try."

ETA: I'd also follow up with some recommendations next time you see him (or if you really don't want to address the issue in person, again, you could even email him some names if you know he checks it). I wouldn't recommend having the recommendations immediately because that may make it seem to planned out. If he says he wants immediate help, you can go together to a computer to get the info and go together to the campus mental health provider. (One more reason to do this during the day... besides the likeliness that you'll be talk to this guy when you're both sober)

[UGAalum94]

I like to think some of the members of the group who are closer to him could approach him, after doing a little research to get specific referral information, and talk to him when he is sober and likely to be more receptive. I think that communicates most effectively that you honestly care about this guy's health as a top priority.

On the other hand, I think you can come down hard from a risk management perspective from within the group with the help of advisors and executive council if the guy won't seek help or won't stop acting this way.

First, you obviously want to protect him but you do have an obligation to protect group members and their guest from his behavior. His behavior, even if he doesn't actually attack any other people, IS harmful to the group. It's going to be hard to be a happy, healthy member of a group if at every party a member can be relied on to get excessively drunk and do harm to himself. It's a group problem too.