Chuck Norris loves GC

[BobbyTheDon]

Everyone knows Chuck Norris is a badass. The following information only
proves what you already knew:

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she
was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

3. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.

5. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.

6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

8. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

9. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

10. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

11. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.

12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.

13. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

14. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

15. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

16. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed
two.

17. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"

18. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

19. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

20. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their
floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

21. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

22. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

23. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".

24. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

25. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him
exact change.

26. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

27. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

28. If you shaved off Chuck Norris' beard, you would find a tatoo of an
identical beard underneath.

29. Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over
the edge of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody
inside. Even as they cheered, he screamed, "I'm not your savior!" and
headbutted the bus over the edge, sending them all to their horrible doom.

30. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to
death by Chuck Norris

[HBADPi]

My favorites are 12 & 20.

[damasa]

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "f**king."

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh*t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

In the movie “Back to the Future” they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.


Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh*t.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.

Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.

Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world

Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.

Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".

Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.

Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paralympics.


Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days

Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.

When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn't afraid of small children.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas

A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.

Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out loud…

It used to be called the Tower of Pisa…until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the sh*t out of it

[tld221]

ive been LMAO reading the Hyles-Anderson thread.

but then i read through this list and i am literally crying, especially #6, #13, 14, and 16, #25,

and if i ever had to imagine what the urine of chuck norris tasted like, it would be a dead ringer for red bull. and probably with a shot of vodka.

p.s. my late aunt had the HUGEST crush on chuck norris. no, she was not asian.

ETA: just read the second list. my stomach hurts from the hilarity.

[Lindz928]

Bobby, I am so glad that I was able to bring this small joy into your life. It makes me poud.



The only person in the world Chuck Norris loves is BobbyTheDon.... Because Bobby is a big deal.

[Rudey]

One rule in life...no asian girls

hahahaha


-Rudey

[JonInKC]

Chuck Norris was born when he punched his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he began to grow a beard.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a McDonald's so hard that it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik's Cube. When he shat it out, it was solved.

Chuck Norris will never be truly male or female. I once asked him about it and he just gave me an ad for a Total Gym.

[damasa]

Not sure if any of these repeat but there are so many posted that I don't have the energy to read them all.

Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting p****ed off. It was called
Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will f**k you up.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The F**k was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

[jillybean]

can someone explain to me why every guy is obsessed with chuck norris these days? these quotes are funny, but why is chuck everywhere? (...waiting for a sarcastic "chuck norris roundhouse kicked his way into our thoughts)

[tld221]

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1

what does chuck norris think about the chuck norris facts?

as to why ppl are making a big deal? i dunno. but im interested to know. i didnt think he had perceived awesomeness til these facts came up.

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

Wouldn't it be funny if Chuck Norris actually came up with all these things and started sending them out all over the internet to re-generate interest in him (since his show has been off the air for a few years) so people will buy his new book?

[tld221]

interesting...

i dont think chuck is that awesome that he could make it all up about himself. thats stroking the ego a little too much.

[KSigkid]

There is one of these on Jack Bauer ("24") as well; it's a copycat of the Chuck Norris one, and it even uses some of the same lines (replacing Norris with Bauer).

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

My brother and his friends write these sort of things on each other's facebook walls but they use Vin Diesel instead.

[kafromTN]

Check this out
www.4q.cc

It also has random facts about Mr. T.