How Important Is Education In Love

[bgsugirlie]

How important to do you guys think education is in long-term relationships and marriage?

I've been dating a bartender. He's great. He's cute. He keeps me on my toes. He's romantic. He treats me well. We get along wondefully.

BUT...he never went to college. He also never intends on going to school. I'm not quite sure how long he plans on keeping his bartending job.

My parents have always, always stressed the importance of a good education and the benefits of a degree. They also stressed the importance of never settling in a relationship. I don't feel like I'm settling, but then again, I confuse myself on a lot of things.

I really like this guy. I'm not sure if it's because of the way I was raised, but I have a really hard time understanding why he doesn't have the drive to go to school. It's not like he's lazy. He's more...carefree.

Anyway, I know it's important to follow your heart. However, I think it's important to make responsible decions for your future, and I'm just a little bit worried that my feelings for him might be clouding my judgment...that, and not to sound materialistic, but I like nice things....nice things that don't always come cheap. Is it crazy to build a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't share your views about the importance of education?

[BobbyTheDon]

watch "Cocktails" with Tom Cruise.

[LeslieAGD]

My fiance and I are both teachers. Part of the reason we got together was our love for learning...we have a lot of things in common that stem from eductation and culture.

Personally, I've tried relationships with the the "carefree" types and I've always wanted more...but that's just me. IMO, it IS important to ask yourself where things are going and if you'll be okay with the course.

[Dionysus]

Is he smart? You can skip college and still be smart. What are his future plans? Does he want to start his own business or something?

[texas*princess]

I think motivation is a huge factor (at least in my eyes) on the potential long-term-relationship scale.

If he doesn't have motivation to go to school, what DOES he have motivation to do? Open his own business?
Wait to win the lottery?

Motivation & drive to succeed are very important to me. Of course if the guy takes it to an extreme (i.e. being a workaholic) then that is a major turn off. Any guy I even consider dating (even if it's just a date - not planning the wedding yet) has to have a game plan. I hate the "I don't know"

Personally (and this is just my opinion again ) education is very important in addition to having a good job (especially if you are thinking marriage). If he plans on bartending for the rest of his life, what kind of marriage would that be if he's gone every night ?

There is a guy I kind of "talked" to for awhile, but after about a month I was so over it. Right now he's my age, still has not finished college and has no clue what he wants to do for the rest of his life when he DOES finish college. Maybe he'll stay working at the bank (he's been a bank teller for almost 4 yrs)? Maybe not? He has no clue what he wants to do w/ the degree if he ever gets it. That's not the kind of attitude I go for. I want a guy who has his eye on the prize and is always driving to succeed in a field he loves.

[AchtungBaby80]

Originally posted by bgsugirlie
I've been dating a bartender. He's great. He's cute. He keeps me on my toes. He's romantic. He treats me well. We get along wondefully.

BUT...he never went to college. He also never intends on going to school. I'm not quite sure how long he plans on keeping his bartending job.

Oh, wow...that could be me! My boyfriend is a bartender/musician who went to college for a while but hated every minute of it so he left after a couple years. Meanwhile, I'm working on my Master's degree because I plan to become a teacher and I have always loved school and learning. It seems like we're just a disaster waiting to happen, but you know what? I get along better with him than I have with anyone else I've ever dated, with the possible exception of one person, and the fact that he doesn't have a college degree doesn't really bother me that much. I never really even thought about it until one of my friends made the rather rude comment that I shouldn't "settle," because basically I "deserve better" than to be with someone who wasn't motivated enough to finish college. After my friend said that, I started to really think about it and I came to the conclusion that people are interested in different things, and I'm glad that we are a little different because things don't get boring. He understands that school is important to me and thinks it's great that I'm happy with what I'm doing, but the whole college thing (or just school in general) wasn't for him. It isn't that he doesn't see the value of it, he would just rather be doing other things himself. He is very passionate about his music, which is something I'm not all that into but I respect that and I'm glad that he has something he's interested in. So my point is, having a college degree isn't the be-all, end-all...and as far as marriage goes, don't you want to be able to support yourself anyway without having to rely on a man to do it? (Now it's one thing if you have to support yourself and his sorry azz if he won't get out and work or something, but that's not what I'm talking about here.) Most bartenders I know do OK anyway; my boyfriend owns a house, and does way better than I ever did while I was working retail. So I would say don't worry about it until you have a reason to...who knows, maybe he wants to go into management or something later on.

[honeychile]

It matters not to anyone but the two of you, in the long run. If he feels insecure about you being better educated than he, then it's wrong. If you think you can hold your being better educated than he over his head, it's wrong.

But if you're both okay with it, and you can see yourself putting up with the hours that a bartender keeps if you have kids, then I don't see a problem - IF he's intelligent. One of the happiest couples I know is a butcher and a woman who has two Masters and is working on her Doctorate!

[PM_Mama00]

It seems like you guys have a really good relationship going. Why not just see where it heads? My sister in law has a college degree.... my brother went to a few colleges and was a few credits short of graduating. It just wasn't for him. College isn't for everyone, but you can definitely be smart without it.

I think of it this way. My dad didn't graduate high school. He was in the Italian army. My mom graduated high school. My dad is a really smart guy who has been successfully running businesses for over 30 years.

I say screw the education. As long as he understands your school needs, and you understand his "bartending" needs (or whatever you'd call it), and you guys are still having a great time and are really enjoying each other company and like each other, then you don't need anything else.

[valkyrie]

I don't think that matters at all. I have a J.D. and Mr. valkyrie has taken some college classes but doesn't have a degree. Personally, I don't give a rat's ass -- he's smarter than many of the people I know who have degrees.

Also, people without degrees can make decent money, and if you want nice things, you can always buy them for yourself.

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by valkyrie
I don't think that matters at all. I have a J.D. and Mr. valkyrie has taken some college classes but doesn't have a degree. Personally, I don't give a rat's ass -- he's smarter than many of the people I know who have degrees.

Cosign!

No, really...Mr. Munch is currently in school, but he's not in a hurry to get out. At this point, the only person who is stressing about the disparity in our education levels is Daddy. We're personally fine with it for now, because we have similar life goals and interests.

[ADPiAkron]

My boyfriend attended college...he went to a private school right out of high school to play baseball...then transfered after his first year to the school I graduated from....he went there for two years and then stopped going because he was not sure of what he wanted to do!!

He got a job as a manager at Donato's Pizza (I am sure some of you have heard of it-- in Ohio, Indianapolis, Florida, Phili, and a few other places). At Donato's he realized he really enjoyed the restaurant business (he had some experience as a server and pizza delivery driver in the past at other restaurants- but like the manager side much more). Within 18 months he was promoted to General Manager and spent a year and a half as GM.

This past spring he started a new job as a manager at a large chain sit down restaurant (I am sure most of you would know it-- but for his sake I would rather keep the name out). They have told him if he keeps up the good work that he has the potential to be a GM in less than a year! We are hoping he will continue to move up and possibly be a regional manager one day!! They make awesome money!! Restaurant managers do not need to have college degrees-- and in the long run can end up having extremely successful careers if they work hard!!!!!! If my boyfriend sticks with the restaurant business-- he will make more money than I will ever see and I have a Master's Degree!!!!!! I tell him I do not care if he ever goes back (sometimes he talks about it) because I am so PROUD of him!!!!!!

I think your man needs to just figure out what he wants to do with his life...my bf was 24 when he finally figured it out!! If he wants to be a bartender for the rest of his life and is happy and good at his job- then that is great!!

My parents are exactly like yours-- focus on education-- but when they saw that my boyfriend had drive and ambition they did not care about the degree!!! They just want to make sure that he makes me happy and can take care of me and a family in the future!! Degrees are not everything-- it is about the person and if they make you happy!!

[AKA_Monet]

bgsugirlie,

I see it as an "equally yoked" thing... I see what others here are saying and to some level I agree with them. And I also think it is a matter of your own independence from your parents. How independent are you from your folks? If you are out on your own, finishing school with out their help, and you are okay with your choice in life, then I would say, go for what you seek in love...

However, upbringing has a lot to do with how you pursue a relationship and the expectation in one. You need to weigh your options and think about what kinds of life experiences are important for you now and in the future. Moreover, what is your guy's life experiences? Maybe he came from a family that did not pressure him to pursue college. Or maybe he's rebelling against his family. Maybe he's an heir to a super billion dollar corporation and can stroll in whenever--like Bruce Wayne... Or maybe he is just a bartender with only wanting to serve drinks for the rest of his life...

Whatever it his experiences are, YOU must be happy with that and YOU must never deviate from that or try to change him. Because if you do, it is YOU that will wind up unhappy with YOUR situation...

My husband is a Doctor of Veterninary Medicine. But for some reason, vets do not make the kinna cash that physicians do unless they have a mega-practice doing doggy face lifts for the rich and famous, etc. My husband is a research vet. and has a board certification is pathology which gives him more credentials to get more money based on his education.

Now, I could have married just about anyone. But I found the higher education I received, the harder it was to reconcile my values that I obtained through my upbringing to those who did not "fit" those qualifications, etc.

In marriage, it ain't about "happily ever after with the 3 bed, 2.5 ba house, 2.5 kids and 2 SUV's"... It is more about life insurance, beneficiaries, mortgage payments, nest egg, retirement savings, so on and so forth... If your parents what that same kinna life for you and do not want you to deviate from what they have provided for you--then you can either get it yourself--going back to that "independence thing" or you can try to marry into it... Either way, you still must have some level of independence in this world with the way things are going down now. It would be plain stupid to have total reliance on someone else for your breadwinning when you are an adult...

Believe me, I not into bullishting you... I am giving it to you straight up. You have the right to take it or leave it... But these are my experiences that I choose to share with you... I would be okay monetarily if I stayed by myself, unmarried. I would not be flashing the Cobalt Sports Yacht along with the $4 million dollar house on the beach... But, I would be okay in a decent house with a driveable car by myself...

But when I got married, all of that "financial stuff" must be discussed--not everything--but a lot of things... And before is better than after marriage... Because no matter what y'all think with the wedding planning stuff and the oh so beautiful stuff, the honeymoon period can be quickly over once y'all hit a financial downfall... And the way financial markets are going with a housing bubble bursting probability... Think long and hard of who you wanna be with during those times... And the US is at war... That hits financial markets hard in and of itself...

[KSigkid]

Maybe not education, but intelligence is important. If you can't sit down and have a discussion with someone, it will be tough to be with them day after day. That's not saying that you have to have equal education levels, but intelligence levels should be similar.

[sugar and spice]

Originally posted by KSigkid
Maybe not education, but intelligence is important. If you can't sit down and have a discussion with someone, it will be tough to be with them day after day. That's not saying that you have to have equal education levels, but intelligence levels should be similar.

Yes.

I have a number of close friends who never went to college (a few who dropped out of high school and ended up getting their GEDs later), and they are all highly intelligent -- moreso than some of my friends that are in college. At the end of the day, I can have a better, more interesting conversation with them than I can with some of the people I've known who are in college but are, honestly, pretty dull. I can't say that the same would necessarily apply in a romantic relationship, but I'm guessing it would.

You have to understand that just because someone is well-educated does not mean that they value education. In fact, sometimes it's just the opposite. In another year I'll have my college degree, and I may even go back to grad school, but I don't value education such as it's defined in the United States. I value learning and curiosity and the love of figuring out new things, but I don't particularly admire somebody who has the dedication to sleep through Astronomy 101 and cram just enough to pass the final, you know? Having a college education depends more on finances and the type of family you were raised with than it does on your intelligence.

To me, this just seems like kind of a "young" problem. Don't take that the wrong way, because I know many people in their early/mid-20s who are wondering about this question too. Once you get further removed from the college environment, this becomes less of a big deal -- as long as your priorities are similar in other aspects. (In other words, his job/attitude towards education may be a side effect of the issue and not the issue itself -- the real issue may be with how you deal with someone who is laid-back and "carefree" when you may not be that way yourself.)

[moe.ron]

Here are a few questions that popped into my head:

(1) Does he have a plan for the future?
(2) Do you and your boyfriend communicate well?
(3) Does he have a financial plan for the future? Like it or not, many relationship have gone sour due to financial difficulties. If I'm not mistaken, finances is the top reason for divorces.

Of course, these are very materialistic questions. Remember, you can't buy love, but money make the love more efficient.