Anthony A. Samad: This brother is tripping!

[DeltaVero]

ANTHONY A. SAMAD: How Stella Got Her Sense Back!
by Anthony Asadullah Samad
August 22, 2005


The nationwide blowout behind mega-romance novelist, Terry McMillan, and “the groove” she found on a Jamaica vacation, a young, tender, fertile 20 year old that she turned around and married, allows us to revisit this companionship discourse that turned black male-female relationships on its ear. I usually don’t do relationship commentaries. I usually leave that to my colleagues (Ask Deanna, Veronica’s View, and The Bridge-Daryl usually holds up the men’s end). But there is an interesting social interest aspect in McMillan’s divorce from Jonathan Plummer, that should be analyzed—this whole politic of motives that caused the whole man-hating “Exhale” movement in the first place. “Stella,” a pseudonym for McMillan herself, was the poster chick for “scorned women,” a conclusion easily drawn by her earlier works, Disappearing Acts and Mama (one of which was allegedly about gone-bad relationship with a former “ex”), but had finally found love in the most unconventional of relationships. Most people thought she had lost her mind. She claimed she had found her groove. Now, it seems, after Plummer revealed his true sexuality, that Stella has come back to her senses.

Other than an outstanding factionalist in the relationships “gone wrong-gone right” genre, we can’t forget who Terry McMillan is, and what she represented in the man-less woman’s movement of the 1990s that spurred a generation spring-fall (older women, younger men) relationships, the whole “f**k a man” bi-curious alternative to a cheating man movement (black woman were on the DL tens years ahead of black men), and a generation—check that—three generation of women (hers, and the ones before and after) that promoted a role reversal in relationships whereby the woman became the “bread winner” and the man was just something to be “maintained” and played with when it was convenient. Men who couldn’t compete financially and emotionally, or were in some way otherwise “flawed,” were seen as weak, and were to be disguarded. Since her landmark fiction romance novel, Waiting To Exhale, black women worldwide sympathized with her characters, a bunch of imperfect women, in search for the “perfect man.” Women everywhere started holding their breaths with every man encounter. Many of them passed out holding their breaths. Many others turned blue holding their breaths. “Sista-friend” circles invaded every household and even men in happy relationships had to endure the stares of man hating women sitting in their own house. But when Terry “exhaled” in her follow-up revelation, the semi-autobiographical novel, How Stella Got Her Groove Back, with a man that obviously wasn’t her emotional or financial equal—many who read her works all these years had to do a “double take” that America’s number one “man-hater” broke all the rules and found love in all the wrong places. And though it ran counter to everything that “sista-friend” circles despised in men, relationships “in the moment” now became “fair game” for women as they rushed down to Jamaica in droves, the Bahamas, Cancun, Aruba, wherever they thought there was a “groove” to be found—black women was there. This whole “cruise craze” was started by professional looking to get their grooves back.


Women “on the hunt” created a whole new genre of men—called “Metro Men, or “Metro-sexuals,” who pamper themselves like women (hair, nails, toes, clothes, accessories, etc.) while waiting for the right woman to take of them. Now, I don’t want to cause a controversy, but as the African American’s sexual politics became more convoluted, so did the ability to discern straight men from Metro men from gay men. So, with DL phenomena dominating the relationship discourse, every black man now walks around with a “question mark” on his crouch, as black women are now back to questioning the sexual motives of men—this time, in the context of life and death (as black women lead HIV contractions) rather than love and commitment. That brings us to Jonathan Plummer, whose attraction to McMillan was legitimate. Young men have always had fascinations with older women, and older women have always played a role in seducing younger men. However, the permanent relationships were always reserved for older men and younger women—so when Terry McMillan said “I’m gonna do this,” it was obvious to most what the attraction was from the outset. Jamaica? Beaches? Bikinis? Towel Boys? Martinis? You add it up, and doesn’t equal intellectual compatibility. Plummer, who got U.S. citizenship out of the deal, looked like a “Metro-sexual” or a “kept man” before term became popular. Back in “the day,” we would have figured him for gay, but Terrie claimed she didn’t see that. They say, love is blind, because everybody else said, Hmmm!! Now we know, hmmm was right, and Stella picked wrong, for all the wrong reasons. Terrie McMillan needs her “sista-friend” card pulled and her “man-hater” playbook turned in. She committed the ultimate sin for women holding their breaths for “Mr. Right,” “lust deception” and framing it as love.


At the end of the day, Ms. “Ever on guard for the ever deceptive Black Man” ended up being deceived herself, and what she didn’t fall for was love—but an ole’ fashioned d**k-whippin that has been conflicting flawed relationships for centuries. Terry got “tamed,” got famed, and got framed—all in the same relationship. And now she’s mad because he has to pay, when that stuff has been happening to men for years (ask any NBA player). Now she’s back to her old angry self—gettin’ played—and havin’ to pay for it—will do that to you. But all is right with the world again…All men are dogs again, all relationships are imperfect, the “perfect man” (and woman) is still an illusion, and Stella got her sense back.


Anthony Asadullah Samad is a national columnist, managing director of the Urban Issues Forum and author of 50 Years After Brown: The State of Black Equality In America (Kabili Press, 2005).

He can be reached at www.AnthonySamad.com

[Steeltrap]

I'm tripping on Anthony Essex (his birth name)'s column. I remember him from the NAACP in Los Angeles in the late 1980s. He's a member of Phi Beta Sigma, BTW.

[DeltaVero]

Thanks for more insight on this cat. He is a trip.

[Rain Man]

Anthony Samad/Essex/Whatever His Last Name Is is indeed on point; I think the reason why everyone thinks he is trippin' is because he is stating what no one else cares to admit, that Terry McMillan isn't the Blackwoman's Guru to Understanding the Blackman as many women claim her to be. He's right, she broke all the rules, including her own, and played herself in the process.

It's about time that overhyped man hater got taken down a few notches. Everyone thinks Samad/Essex is trippin' because they won't admit McMillan's chickens finally came home to roost.

Have you noticed that in today's society, women actually do function more as men, and vice versa? Good point, Anthony. So in light of that, it should be of no surprise that this marriage resulted in what it did, particularly given the attitudes, mindsets, and backgrounds of the parties involved.

Trippin' my foot. More like calling it like he sees it.

[DeltaVero]

Rain Man, you are entitled to your opinion. If you feel that brother Samad is on point, more power to you and him. However, I think it is idiotic to think that...

1) Terry McMillan is the Blackwoman's Guru to understanding Black men. Who gave her this title?

2) Think about it, when Terry McMillan's proverbial chickens came home to roost, who made such a big deal out of it? Primarily male journalist.

3) If you consider women taking control of their financial, mental and physical well-being as functioning as a man, then you lost me on that one.

4) Do any of us REALLY know the attitudes, mindsets and backgrounds of Terry McMillan and Jonathan Plummer? And who is Anthony A. Samad and all the other journalist to put them on blast about thier relationship?

Again, to each his own.

[Rain Man]

Originally posted by DeltaVero
Rain Man, you are entitled to your opinion. If you feel that brother Samad is on point, more power to you and him. However, I think it is idiotic to think that...

1) Terry McMillan is the Blackwoman's Guru to understanding Black men. Who gave her this title?

Every Black woman who bought into her bulljive philosophy about Black men

(2) Think about it, when Terry McMillan's proverbial chickens came home to roost, who made such a big deal out of it? Primarily male journalist.

Of course, obviously the women weren't going to. The male journalists knew what was going to come of the whole marriage, they were just smart enough to keep quiet until it transpired; it was just a matter of time. Sure, it was quite a wait, but well worth the effort.

3) If you consider women taking control of their financial, mental and physical well-being as functioning as a man, then you lost me on that one.

That's because it goes MUCH deeper than women taking control of their financial, mental, and physical well being. Suffice it to say, the whole feminist movement got EVERYTHING twisted when it came to women's equality, gender roles, etc. But that's another topic for another thread.

4) Do any of us REALLY know the attitudes, mindsets and backgrounds of Terry McMillan and Jonathan Plummer? And who is Anthony A. Samad and all the other journalist to put them on blast about thier relationship?

No, just what McMillan and Plummer put out there by their actions and press comments, which is sufficient enough for us to REALLY know the attitudes, mindsets, and backgrounds of the two.

As for Samad and all the other journalists putting them on blast, hey, somebody's gotta do the dirty work.

Again, to each his own.

Funny you mentioned to each HIS own and not to each THEIR own. It's almost as if you got this debate divided along gender lines.

[DeltaVero]

Originally posted by Rain Man
Funny you mentioned to each HIS own and not to each THEIR own. It's almost as if you got this debate divided along gender lines.

I responded to the statements in your initial post, which appeared to be gender directed, IMO.

[Rain Man]

Originally posted by DeltaVero
I responded to the statements in your initial post, which appeared to be gender directed, IMO.

Touche!

Nonetheless, the fact remains. McMillan has a history of spouting off bulljive regarding what makes Black men tick, via literature and otherwise, her audience believed her and made her get big-headed. Her megalomaniacal delusions resulted in her believing her own bulljive, ran off and got married, and creating an embarassment of her own making.

In short, she got caught in a trap by her own doing and not surprisingly only the men are addressing it because everyone else is hanging their heads in shame.

[DeltaVero]

Originally posted by Rain Man
Touche!

Nonetheless, the fact remains. McMillan has a history of spouting off bulljive regarding what makes Black men tick, via literature and otherwise, her audience believed her and made her get big-headed. Her megalomaniacal delusions resulted in her believing her own bulljive, ran off and got married, and creating an embarassment of her own making.

In short, she got caught in a trap by her own doing and not surprisingly only the men are addressing it because everyone else is hanging their heads in shame.

Question.
Have you read any of her "bulljive" or attended any of her readings? Also, I'm not sure who is hanging thier heads in shame because this relationship didn't work.

[Rain Man]

Originally posted by DeltaVero
Question.
Have you read any of her "bulljive" or attended any of her readings?

YES!

I purchased Waiting To Exhale in 1997 (a rather melancholy story)
I purchased How Stella Got Her Groove Back in 1998 (I couldn't even finish the story; it was so sappy)

[Marie]

I'm gonna have to disagree.

I read both of those books when they were released, and I remember discussing them at length amongst men and women. I (along with most of the women that I know) never saw them as 'man hating' books. Honestly, I never thought Waiting to Exhale was about men at all. It always struck me as a story about women and the poor choices that they made. I can't speak for all women by any means, but every woman that I discussed it with focused in on the women and their errors. While some of the women were in situations beyond their control, I think that most of the women could have controlled their own destinies. It was only the men who took it as a personal affront to men everywhere.

Sometimes, I just wish the black men would give black women more credit. The majority of sistas out there are not 'man-haters' or wanting to play the male's role. Most women are all about lifting up the black man and are searching for the brotha who be the head of their household and they can submit to. However, it feels like black men are out their lining up for any opportunty to kick you when you're down (like this brotha Anthony Whomever).

Yes, many women are the heads of their homes, but I would argue that many more are in this position by circumstance than by choice. Yes, you might feel that Terry McMillian 'played' herself, but what about the many many other women who find out that their husbands are on the DL. Did they play themselves too?

My point is that it isn't easy to be a black woman today (not that it is easy to be a black man). We recognize and support you through your difficulties. Why can't you give us credit for this and support us through ours?