help a sister cope with a break up

amanda6035 · #1 08-16-2005, 03:51 PM

So I have this sister who is "finally" breaking up with this guy she's been dating for 3 years. (Patsy, if you're reading this you better not mention a word to her!) I dont want to get into reasons why, but this is definitely for the best, and myself and another sister who she's very close to want to be there for her when she needs us.

Does anybody have any advice on things to say or things to avoid saying in such a circumstance? She's already said that she wants to keep very busy, very active very social the next few weeks so that she doesnt mope around all the time about it. Hopefully, with recruitment coming up and the next 3 or 4 week being so hectic the initial shock and drama will have passed. After a 3 year relationship, i can imagine it's going to be very hard for her.

Any advice if any of you have been in a similar situation and things your friends have said or done to help make things a little bit easier for you?

33girl · #2 08-16-2005, 03:56 PM

DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT go overboard saying what an evil asshat jerk the guy is and that it's completely his fault and none of hers.

She most likely still has feelings for him and doesn't need to hear that you never liked him - especially if you acted like you did.

And if she accidentally says "boyfriend" instead of "ex-boyfriend" don't jump down her throat and make it a big deal and say she's clinging to the relationship and garbage like that. It's perfectly normal and doesn't have to have "deeper meaning."

Just listen...and make it easy for her to say whatever she wants. Don't make it hard for her to share her feelings because you'll criticize them.

Why yes, I HAVE had someone do this to me recently...how could you tell?

SFHopefull! · #3 08-16-2005, 11:41 PM

,,,,,

#4 08-16-2005, 11:51 PM

i was just in this situation. i'm just getting over my break up, and being with friends really helped. it's good to keep busy, especially just sitting around and talking to them. what bothered me a little though, is hearing about their boyfriends and their problems with them. sometime my advice was labeled as too harsh because i had just gone through a break up. other than that, music helped too. especially kelly clarkson's recent cd. yeah i'm a dork, but i found myself relating to a lot of songs. especially behind these angel eyes. oh and one more thing that helped are my guy friends. i found they cared about me when i talked to them about "him". it felt good to hear them call him an a**hole and threaten to kick his butt.

but that is just me.

WVU alpha phi · #5 08-17-2005, 01:21 AM

Ditto on all the advice everyone has given so far.

I dealt with a pretty terrible relationship this past semester. My friends all hated the kid, which I can't really blame them, cuz they listened to me b*tch about him hurting me so much. All I can say is, it really depends on the situation. If I was in a "I hate him so much" right now kinda mood, it was nice and pretty funny to have my friends rattle off his flaws to me. As mean as it may sound, once you knock him down off the pedastal he's been put on, it really can help.

However, for the most part, I really just wanted my friends to listen. And make sure she knows that you aren't judging her, and you aren't getting tired of hearing about it (even though you may be). If you don't live with the girl, invite her over to your place or to go out whenever she feels like it, and let her know she's welcome to drop by whenever she can. Pretty much overall just be there for her whenever she needs you, night or day.

Also, and this is kinda a touchy subject, but if you're friends with the ex, steer clear of him for awhile, especially around her. The last thing she needs to be worrying about is that the two of you are discussing the breakup, or worse, flirting (cuz she will probably blow the situation out of proportion). And if you and the ex are pretty good friends, and you do still talk, do NOT mention him to her, even if it's something like, "Oh he seems really upset about the breakup."

Good luck!!

James · #6 08-17-2005, 11:18 PM

Give her a few days worth of valium . .. and make sure she gets a good night sleep for the first 5 days . . . maybe give her some sleeping pills?

The first few days are crucial . . . if you finish the first few days sleep deprived, stressed out and unhappy you are more likely to relapse.

Buttonz · #7 08-18-2005, 10:55 AM

Let them choose the conversation. When my ex-best friends gf of 3+ years broke up with him, every tried to bad mouth her and put her down, when all he wanted was to talk about her and try and figure out where he went wrong. I was one of the few people who actually listened. I remember how she had abox of his things, including the jewerly he gave her on there 3 year *almost $1,000 worth* sent back to him, how he and I sat there going through the box and him reading all the cards, etc. It was hard for him to get over her, and they started going out again for a few months, but broke up and he's been dating someone for the past 6-7 months and the last I spoke to him he is happy.

absoluteZChi · #8 08-23-2005, 12:22 AM

I'm sooo happy to read everyone's advice because I just logged on to see if I could find some comforting words from others because I'm going through the same thing right now.

QUIK VENT:

My BF (can't say ex yet) just decided that he didn't love me anymore and he didn't want to get married after all...all this revelation came after signing a new apartment lease at the begining of this month and announcing to the world about the engagement...and of course, after being together for over 5 yrs.

Its hard to deal with all of this when its happens and no matter how much a friend people want to be, sometimes you just need to be alone to cry your heart out. But everything everyone has said is great, my friends and family have been so supportive and each day seems a little better than the first

Glitterkitty · #9 08-23-2005, 06:36 PM

Been there done that!

Keep her busy with non-guy stuff. Don't try to hook her up too fast with someone else. And DO NOT let her hang out at his stomping grounds (going to his frats parties, hanging out in the student center near where he sits between classes, etc. etc.) Find new places to take her. The hardest part of breaking up is when you have to see the SOB all the time because you have the same friends, and the campus is small. Makes it nearly impossible. And for the love of GOD, do not let any of your sisters date him!

amanda6035 · #10 08-23-2005, 10:28 PM

Thanks for all your advise everyone - I think she's gonna be okay. She's been real wishy washy the past week or so, but I think some stuff happened today to make her open her eyes. I told her "Try to take the emotion out of what is being said, and look at what is REALLY being said - aka, the content" and she was like "Yeah, I know, its still jsut so hard." I've been trying to keep her busy - shes got her mind on recruitment and all right now. I'm hoping by the time recruitment is over that the wounds wont hurt her so much anymore.

Oh, and one more thing, luckily, he's at a different school, so she doesnt have to see him on campus =)