Living Together

[_Lisa_]

When I first started dating my boyfriend I thought we'd never be close enough to live together. We were always off/on & hot/cold that I never even considered it. We used to work together & we would always fight, both at work & outside of work.

Now that we no longer work together we only see each other in the evenings & on weekends. Since I have 2 other roommates we usually stay at his house & lately he cleared out a drawer for some of my things. This past weekend I had planned to go looking for an apartment since I have to move out of my current apartment in August. Saturday morning, as I was getting ready, Trevor asked me to move in with him. At first I was shocked & immediately laughed it off but as the day went on he kept explaining to me what the bills would be if I moved in, how much I would save, where I could put all of my excess stuff, etc. And as sweet as I think it is that he asked me to move in I still declined his offer everytime & put a deposit down on an apartment. I think I've really hurt his feelings by not moving in with him but I miss my things, my bed, my TV, my computer, my couches, my personal space! etc.

Ever since Saturday he has been different with me, not necessarily distant, but he has had a shorter temper & not as talkative. He won't talk about my new apartment or even about helping me move (although I know he will.) I guess I'm just looking for some advice on what I should do to bridge that new gap he has formed so we can be closer again.

[KSig RC]

I don't mean to be glib or condescending, but the kid took a chance and made a stab, and you dumped on his face. Not too difficult to diagnose here, it's pretty obvious why he's upset and uncomfortable.

To "bridge the gab" you'll have to start to address his discomfort, and redraw your boundaries, as apparently they're shorter for you than they are for him. Basically, he had set his hopes (and put himself on the line) for one particular outcome, and you 'laughed at it' then flat rejected it. Those feelings will have to be addressed. It seems like you two prob have some communication issues to start, which will make it hard, but hey anything's possible.

[tunatartare]

Personally, I'm not a fan of living with a guy before you're engaged or married. I'm pretty cynical about things like love and relationships, etc. and when it comes to living with a guy before marriage, I just think that if it doesn't work out, then the break up will be even messier cuz you have to figure out who gets to keep the apartment, who's moving out, who gets to keep what, etc. Like I said, I'm pretty cynical about things, so it's just my opinion.

[sageofages]

Originally posted by crzychx
When I first started dating my boyfriend I thought we'd never be close enough to live together. We were always off/on & hot/cold that I never even considered it. We used to work together & we would always fight, both at work & outside of work.

Now that we no longer work together we only see each other in the evenings & on weekends. Since I have 2 other roommates we usually stay at his house & lately he cleared out a drawer for some of my things. This past weekend I had planned to go looking for an apartment since I have to move out of my current apartment in August. Saturday morning, as I was getting ready, Trevor asked me to move in with him. At first I was shocked & immediately laughed it off but as the day went on he kept explaining to me what the bills would be if I moved in, how much I would save, where I could put all of my excess stuff, etc. And as sweet as I think it is that he asked me to move in I still declined his offer everytime & put a deposit down on an apartment. I think I've really hurt his feelings by not moving in with him but I miss my things, my bed, my TV, my computer, my couches, my personal space! etc.

Ever since Saturday he has been different with me, not necessarily distant, but he has had a shorter temper & not as talkative. He won't talk about my new apartment or even about helping me move (although I know he will.) I guess I'm just looking for some advice on what I should do to bridge that new gap he has formed so we can be closer again.

Think about it this way...moving in together is A COMMITTMENT. It isn't just "being roommates"...I know it sounds cliche but it is "trial marriage". This guy put it out there in the open and said "you are important enough to me to share the bathroom with, you can have part of my precious closet space, I will even let you use the same address". While not quite a "will you marry me?" it is pretty darned close...

How would he have reacted IF he had said "will you marry me?" and you said "not yet"...probably the same...hurt, bewildered, wondering if you feel toward him the way he feels toward you.

I think taking this out carefully is in order...

[WCUgirl]

Perhaps it would make him feel better if you explained to him that you simply don't believe in living together before marriage (assuming you don't).

[_Lisa_]

Originally posted by KSig RC
I don't mean to be glib or condescending, but the kid took a chance and made a stab, and you dumped on his face. Not too difficult to diagnose here, it's pretty obvious why he's upset and uncomfortable.

To "bridge the gab" you'll have to start to address his discomfort, and redraw your boundaries, as apparently they're shorter for you than they are for him. Basically, he had set his hopes (and put himself on the line) for one particular outcome, and you 'laughed at it' then flat rejected it. Those feelings will have to be addressed. It seems like you two prob have some communication issues to start, which will make it hard, but hey anything's possible.

Well, he is hardly a kid. In fact, he is 39, which is 16.5 years older than I am. I feel bad now for laughing at the situation but I honestly never thought he would entertain such an idea let alone actually ask. Had he asked me & not had a roommate himself so that I could have a place to put my things I may have consented to the agreement.

And we have definitely had some communication problems in the past but now that we don't work together we hardly fight anymore. We have been much closer in the last few months than we ever have in the past. I just don't feel right moving in with him yet.

[_Lisa_]

Originally posted by KLPDaisy
Personally, I'm not a fan of living with a guy before you're engaged or married. I'm pretty cynical about things like love and relationships, etc. and when it comes to living with a guy before marriage, I just think that if it doesn't work out, then the break up will be even messier cuz you have to figure out who gets to keep the apartment, who's moving out, who gets to keep what, etc. Like I said, I'm pretty cynical about things, so it's just my opinion.

I'm kinda the same way but not because we aren't married. I just like to keep my independence somewhat & not fuse my life together with someone else in such a way that I have no personal space.

[_Lisa_]

Originally posted by sageofages
Think about it this way...moving in together is A COMMITTMENT. It isn't just "being roommates"...I know it sounds cliche but it is "trial marriage". This guy put it out there in the open and said "you are important enough to me to share the bathroom with, you can have part of my precious closet space, I will even let you use the same address". While not quite a "will you marry me?" it is pretty darned close...

How would he have reacted IF he had said "will you marry me?" and you said "not yet"...probably the same...hurt, bewildered, wondering if you feel toward him the way he feels toward you.

I think taking this out carefully is in order...

You're right. I hadn't thought of it as a "trial marriage" & I think it would feel that way if I moved in with him. I stay at his house most nights just because we live kind of far apart & we carpool in the morning. Between work, school, pilates, & his traveling we only see each other if we sleep over at each person's house. And lately we've been doing that a lot more often ever since I gained another roommate & he felt less comfortable at my apartment without me around. I just figured that if I lived alone we could spend equal time at each other's apartments like we used to when I lived alone previously. I want it to be the same way as it was then, when we would spend a few nights at his house a week, a few nights at my house a week & some nights we would spend alone.

[_Lisa_]

Originally posted by AXiD670
Perhaps it would make him feel better if you explained to him that you simply don't believe in living together before marriage (assuming you don't).

Although I don't believe in being married before living together I do think that living together is a big step, one that I'm too selfish to make. He was engaged to the girlfriend he was with before me & she had moved into his home the week after they first met (although they became engaged much later.) She didn't get to bring anything of hers but they eventually made it "their" home instead of just his. That may have worked for her but I don't like that idea. I want my things around considering I paid quite a bit for some of them (like my TV & washer/dryer.)

I honestly think that Trevor & I could live together & be very happy but I don't want everything to be his while I have to pay to keep mine in storage. And he just wants me move in, bring my clothes & a few other necessities without even consulting his roommate to be sure its okay.

Maybe if he were willing to compromise with me on the things I could bring, offer me some more space to put my things, didn't have a roommate, & gave me more than a few hours to decide before I had to put a deposit down on an apartment I might've considered it.

[OtterXO]

Originally posted by crzychx
Although I don't believe in being married before living together I do think that living together is a big step, one that I'm too selfish to make. He was engaged to the girlfriend he was with before me & she had moved into his home the week after they first met (although they became engaged much later.) She didn't get to bring anything of hers but they eventually made it "their" home instead of just his. That may have worked for her but I don't like that idea. I want my things around considering I paid quite a bit for some of them (like my TV & washer/dryer.)

I honestly think that Trevor & I could live together & be very happy but I don't want everything to be his while I have to pay to keep mine in storage. And he just wants me move in, bring my clothes & a few other necessities without even consulting his roommate to be sure its okay.

Maybe if he were willing to compromise with me on the things I could bring, offer me some more space to put my things, didn't have a roommate, & gave me more than a few hours to decide before I had to put a deposit down on an apartment I might've considered it.

Wait, so he asked you to move in with him and his roommate? That's a little odd. I mean, if he lived alone or had said "let's look for a place together" that would be one thing, but I totally understand you not wanting to live with him and his friend!!! Maybe explain that to him and tell him that these are the reasons why you feel like it's a little premature in the relationship.

[_Lisa_]

Originally posted by OtterXO
Wait, so he asked you to move in with him and his roommate? That's a little odd. I mean, if he lived alone or had said "let's look for a place together" that would be one thing, but I totally understand you not wanting to live with him and his friend!!! Maybe explain that to him and tell him that these are the reasons why you feel like it's a little premature in the relationship.

His roommate is a friend of mine as well, which is why I've always tried to keep him in mind when I spend time there. I definitely feel like its premature & sometimes I wonder if he just feels like its getting a little late in his life or something & thats why he wants to live together now...especially w/ his past history of having a girlfriend always living with him.

[_Lisa_]

Originally posted by lauren1874
Is he stuck in a lease agreement where he is? Why not look for a place together?

He isn't stuck in a lease or anything but if he moved out then his roommate would be screwed considering he depends on living there while he finishes college. Plus, Trevor's townhouse is a great deal & I would kill to live in one. 2 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, 2 car garage, 3 floors, & all for $735/month! No wonder they're all taken, right?

[OtterXO]

Originally posted by crzychx
His roommate is a friend of mine as well, which is why I've always tried to keep him in mind when I spend time there. I definitely feel like its premature & sometimes I wonder if he just feels like its getting a little late in his life or something & thats why he wants to live together now...especially w/ his past history of having a girlfriend always living with him.

You know that's very possible that he feels that way. I dated a guy awhile back who used to start talking to a new girl when he felt like the relationship with his current girl was going downhill. Totally just so he'd never be without a girlfriend. Some people are like that, expecially if they feel like it's "time" to settle down.

I would say that if you're feeling this way about the situation then you really need to talk to him. Explain your concerns/thoughts/opinions on the situation and that may facilitate a good discussion between you and alleviate soem of the concerns you have about his motives and premature cohabitation ()

[cashmoney]

Originally posted by crzychx
When I first started dating my boyfriend I thought we'd never be close enough to live together. We were always off/on & hot/cold that I never even considered it. We used to work together & we would always fight, both at work & outside of work.

Now that we no longer work together we only see each other in the evenings & on weekends. Since I have 2 other roommates we usually stay at his house & lately he cleared out a drawer for some of my things. This past weekend I had planned to go looking for an apartment since I have to move out of my current apartment in August. Saturday morning, as I was getting ready, Trevor asked me to move in with him. At first I was shocked & immediately laughed it off but as the day went on he kept explaining to me what the bills would be if I moved in, how much I would save, where I could put all of my excess stuff, etc. And as sweet as I think it is that he asked me to move in I still declined his offer everytime & put a deposit down on an apartment. I think I've really hurt his feelings by not moving in with him but I miss my things, my bed, my TV, my computer, my couches, my personal space! etc.

Ever since Saturday he has been different with me, not necessarily distant, but he has had a shorter temper & not as talkative. He won't talk about my new apartment or even about helping me move (although I know he will.) I guess I'm just looking for some advice on what I should do to bridge that new gap he has formed so we can be closer again.

My advice, move in with him. It won't get any better if you don't. Everytime he looks at you from here on out he'll see rejection....and no guy wants to be around a girlfriend who rejects him.


ETA: My girl is moving in with me the last week of July. I have about 2 more weeks of week long reign before I can't mess around anymore. A whole crew of us from SoFL are going up to Gainesville this weekend for a final bout for summer B freshmen. A couple of our boys that are still there are throwing pool parties this weeked. So far there's 13 of us going up......hurricane dennis was a big blur, but I think this weekend will be unreal. Either way, these last few weeks have to count for something.

[OtterXO]

Originally posted by cashmoney
My advice, move in with him. It won't get any better if you don't. Everytime he looks at you from here on out he'll see rejection....and no guy wants to be around a girlfriend who rejects him.

RIIIIIIIGHT, that's going to make the situation better. God forbid it should be about what she wants...