Non-progressive relationships????

ChaoticRed · #1 08-09-2001, 05:55 PM

Gals & Guys...

Why do we involve ourselves in relationships(sexual & casual) with people of the opposite sex that we know from the start are not going to work??

I mean, I am dating this guy that I am attracted to (physically and mentally) BUT, I know we could never be together exclusively(for several reason)...am I the only one dealing with this type of relationship???

Imperial11 · #2 08-09-2001, 08:31 PM

NOOOOOOOOO Soror, you are NOT the only one in this type of situation. In fact, when I read your post the first time, I had to go back and read it again. It looks like something I would have posted. I know that me and the man in my life will never work, but for some reason I can't let it go. He's not married, engaged, gay (or at least I hope not), or anything like that. He's just not looking for the same things that I am looking for. Oh well, there are other fish in the sea. I guess.

JJSP01 · #3 08-10-2001, 10:03 AM

I'm feeling you sorors....I find that I attract emotionally unavailable men, but the "relationships" last faaaarrrr longer than they should. Why do we let this go on?

------------------
Baltimore Metropolitan Alumnae Chapter
Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc.
#47 of Triage 47 SP'01

"Every woman dreams of wearing crimson and creme."

nikki25 · #4 08-10-2001, 11:17 AM

I have had my share of "non progressive" relationships. We knew from jump that it wasn't going to work because various factors, yet stayed right in it. At this point in my life, I'm very pleased with my singleness, and just have male friends. These friends have absolutely no future with me....but they are good to have around to bounce ideas and such.

Dating is truly your time to sort out what you like from what you don't. Since I don't like certain things, I don't have to get serious with certain people. It's that simple. I'm friends with the incompatible, and will date (start out as friends of course) the possibly compatible. If I decide to be with the incompatible, against my own good knowledge, then I believe that I am then choosing that person based on my possible loneliness or other needs, and not because they are "right."

ShakespareDST · #5 08-10-2001, 01:29 PM

Sorors and sisterfriends you make some very good points. However, I have noticed that most people (not all) will enter in to these non-progressive relationships to escape loneliness. To me life is too short for me to waste time on someone who I really don't care to spend my life with. I'd rather spend time alone preparing myself for a progressive relationship! And that's my 13......

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"To whom much is given, much is required."

nikki25 · #6 08-10-2001, 04:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ShakespareDST:
However, I have noticed that most people (not all) will enter in to these non-progressive relationships to escape loneliness.

My point, precisely. Let us not waste time with someone whom you're not compatible. When you do that, it is a sign of vulnerability, loneliness, or some other void. Remember, we all have the wonderful thing called OPTIONS! Choose what you really want well.

Six_Three_Sigma · #7 08-10-2001, 04:39 PM

Speaking from experience, I entered into certain relationships just to pass the time and have some fun. Being young and ignorant, I was not trying to be with anyone permanently. It was not important whether or not the relationship was progressive because that was not the intention anyway.

Now that I'm ALOT older, I look back on those relationships, and I'm glad that I carried it that way. I learned something from EACH relationship. They were experiences that everyone should go through just so people are aware of what's out there.

As for why people who WANT the relationship to progress stay when it is OBVIOUS that it won't, all I can say is that people tend to be comfortable with what they are familiar with. True there are MANY options out there in the world, BUT nothing is guaranteed.

Personally, I aint got no time for the bs. If we're are not on a path together (or have no chance of that ever happening), then we cannot be together. It's just that simple.

Luckily, I have someone that I'm on the path with.

pebbles_6 · #8 08-10-2001, 05:02 PM

Soror, I'm totally feeling you on this one! I have a bad habit of prolonging relationships that lack survivability. I guess it's the optimist in me that "things will change" or "get better with time". And I find myself kicking myself in the azz after the fact for wasting my time. It's easier said than done to just walk away from something. But anyway, you are not alone!

#9 08-10-2001, 07:40 PM

Oh my gosh! I'm dealing with the same thing right now. Luckily, we only dated for a few weeks. But for the sake of niceness or hoping he would "grow" on me, I hung around. Meanwhile, he was digging me more and more and I was become irritated. He was a nice guy and not the type of guy I usually go for, but had issues (smoking) and old baggage(prison record, gang activity) from when he was younger that I couldn't get over. Even though in the beginning I was reluctant.

In the beginning I thought well I'm always complaining about being lonely and here's someone showing interest. But there was no attraction. We talked and agreed that a friendship should develop, but after a couple of weeks I could see that he was wanting to build something for long-term. He'll be 32 next month and kept discussing how he didn't want to be lonely at 40 and would like to have another child.

I just ended it today. Although a family is something I desire. I know that I am nowhere near ready to be a wife or mother. Reading everyone's experience about this subject has been very beneficial for me.

nikki25 · #10 08-13-2001, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by c&c1913:
I just ended it today. Although a family is something I desire. I know that I am nowhere near ready to be a wife or mother. Reading everyone's experience about this subject has been very beneficial for me.

Good for you! Its good to know what you like and what you don't like....and what kinds of baggage are just too much of a burden. Good you got out when you did.

DSTPRL · #11 08-14-2001, 02:05 PM

Many of us have been there. If you know from jump they do not want a relationship with you but you are still falling for them maybe it is because you think you do not deserve a loving one-on-one relationship. Many of us have suffered from this thinking *including myself back in 1994*.

Do not sell yourself short by dealing w/ an unavailable man. I assume unavailable means he is committed to or involved with someone else. When you deal w/ him he gets everything he wants and you barely get emotional support because if he truly cared for your feelings he would not let you play yourself by dealing w/ him OR he would handle his business and make himself available.

Quote:

Originally posted by ChaoticRed:
Gals & Guys...

Why do we involve ourselves in relationships(sexual & casual) with people of the opposite sex that we know from the start are not going to work??

I mean, I am dating this guy that I am attracted to (physically and mentally) BUT, I know we could never be together exclusively(for several reason)...am I the only one dealing with this type of relationship???