Any Advice??!!

[Queencece]

This is a long story.

I went to high school with this guy and we had some of the same classes together, but were not into each other like that. He was more like a classmate. We would speak to each other and have conversations, but when school was over, that was it.

Skip to 3 months ago, we saw each other again in a local bar and exchanged phone numbers. Soon after that, we started dating and about a week ago, things were getting kinda hot and heavy. We went almost everywhere together and did a lot of stuff. The movies, walks in the park, long hours on the phone til the wee hours of the morning, out to dinner. I mean you name it, we did it. He would bring me ginger ale for my upset stomach and flowers to make me feel better.

Last night, we started a conversation about kids and things got ugly. He is VERY ADAMANT about NOT wanting kids ever!!!! He's 23 yrs old and basically told me that he doesn't see his life with kids in the future. I on the other hand want kids at some point in my life. Today, we broke up. He feel very strongly about his side and I about my side. He says that "there is no compromise" and I said "if that's the way you feel and you are not going to change your mind, what do we do?"

Why was this such a big deal to him? I don't know. I felt that there were underlining problems there, but couldn't get to them because he wouldn't answer my question when I would ask. How could he just walk away after what we had and the possibility of something special? He says he would rather walk away now than to invest 3 or 4 yrs to encounter the same problem.

Before this conversation, things were going great. He told me that he loved me and we even have tickets to the Best of Both Worlds Tour with floor seats that we were excited about. We had a vacation planned for next month that I just called to cancel. I mean my heart is in shambles. The moments that we've shared and the way that we felt about each other was so special.

I just don't understand. I wanted to this to work out, but I can't do it alone. Help me mend a broken heart!

Q

[valkyrie]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're hurt and upset right now, but I really think this is for the best.

Wanting or not wanting kids is absolutely not something to compromise on ever. It's also not fair to get into a relationship with someone and expect that he'll change his mind eventually, or for him to expect that you'd change your mind eventually.

I am very, very set on the fact that I do not want kids ever and will not change my mind, so if I ever started dating a guy and found out that he wanted kids, I'd break it off right away. It's too big of a life issue to get past disagreement, in my opinion.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

I agree with valkyrie.

I am very sorry that your feelings are hurt.

[Senusret I]

I echo what everyone else says and add my own advice:

Cece, trust me.....although it was sudden, shocking, probably rude, and just a bad situation.....it was for the best. He wasn't the one for you....he sucks. I am mad for you. But also, being the victim of people who suddenly change their mind about me (multiple times) I can just say keep on truckin. You'll find the right one!

[cashmoney]

Originally posted by Queencece
This is a long story.

I went to high school with this guy and we had some of the same classes together, but were not into each other like that. He was more like a classmate. We would speak to each other and have conversations, but when school was over, that was it.

Skip to 3 months ago, we saw each other again in a local bar and exchanged phone numbers. Soon after that, we started dating and about a week ago, things were getting kinda hot and heavy. We went almost everywhere together and did a lot of stuff. The movies, walks in the park, long hours on the phone til the wee hours of the morning, out to dinner. I mean you name it, we did it. He would bring me ginger ale for my upset stomach and flowers to make me feel better.

Last night, we started a conversation about kids and things got ugly. He is VERY ADAMANT about NOT wanting kids ever!!!! He's 23 yrs old and basically told me that he doesn't see his life with kids in the future. I on the other hand want kids at some point in my life. Today, we broke up. He feel very strongly about his side and I about my side. He says that "there is no compromise" and I said "if that's the way you feel and you are not going to change your mind, what do we do?"

Why was this such a big deal to him? I don't know. I felt that there were underlining problems there, but couldn't get to them because he wouldn't answer my question when I would ask. How could he just walk away after what we had and the possibility of something special? He says he would rather walk away now than to invest 3 or 4 yrs to encounter the same problem.

Before this conversation, things were going great. He told me that he loved me and we even have tickets to the Best of Both Worlds Tour with floor seats that we were excited about. We had a vacation planned for next month that I just called to cancel. I mean my heart is in shambles. The moments that we've shared and the way that we felt about each other was so special.

I just don't understand. I wanted to this to work out, but I can't do it alone. Help me mend a broken heart!

Q

Well, look at it this way.....do you want to be with someone who doesnt want kids? Would you compromise with someone who didnt want kids ever? Honestly, do you really think you're worse off ending it now rather actually spending 3 or 4 yrs together and THEN finding out? No, you wouldn't. Why? Because both of you would be hurt even more.

Now, the only other possibility why he would have blown up like that would be if he just didnt want to date you anymore and was using that as a safe cop-out....knowing that that was a perfect way to get out of a relationship he doesnt want to be in anymore. Some guys do this.

Either way....count yourself lucky and brush if off. There's another person out there.

[Queencece]

Thank you all for your kind words. When I posted this thread I wasn't thinking at all because I was torn apart. I know that it was for the best, but my feelings are still hurt. I feel like I was given a piece of heaven on earth and then it was all of a sudden taken away. He wasn't rude about it in any way. It was the right thing to do and I wouldn't compromise wanting kids either. We went over it again and again and there was just no other way. We came to the decision to end things last night and I have been crying ever since.

Anyway, you guys are right....someone is out there for me who will treat me with all love and respect that he had and will want kids one day.

Time will heal all wounds and I will have to wait it out.

Thanks again!

Q

[cashmoney]

Originally posted by Queencece
Thank you all for your kind words. I know that it was for the best, but my feelings are still hurt. I feel like I was given a piece of heaven on earth and then it was all of a sudden taken away. He wasn't rude about it or anything like that. I know its for the best and I wouldn't compromise wanting kids either. It was my decision to walk away now, but it still hurts. It was the most difficult decision I have had to make to date. We went over it again and again and there was just no other way.

Anyway, you guys are right....someone is out there for me who will treat me with all love and respect that he had and will want kids one day.

Time will heal all wounds and I will have to wait it out.

Thanks again!

Q

No problem.

[AKA_Monet]

Don't be shocked that he comes back to you saying that he's sorry about how things went down between you two.

The question is, how are you going to deal with it?

Another question: At 23 years old, for a man to say adamantly, he NEVER EVER wants kids with NO compromise, what will he do if he gets a woman pregnant?

If he NEVER EVER wants kids, then he needs to get a vasectomy... That will be the ONLY way he can ensure that he will NEVER EVER reproduce and have his haploid spermatogenetic DNA homologously recombine naturally with any woman's ovarian DNA for fertilization and placental implantation...

Otherwise, I find it rather odd for him to say anything like that to a woman he is dating. And for him to break up with you because you have those kinds of thoughts is petty and you are better off without him.

I think the best thing he said to you is he rather not waste his time knowing what you know about him now and continue on dating even though you know you cannot change his mind about "his life's decision"...

But another truism in this, that dating you and the way you describe your relationship has changed his life in someway, which inherently affects some aspect of his life's decisions--leading one to think that in some way the anger he spewed was your relationship was at some level thought provoking enough for him to quasi-reconsider some positions...

So, don't be surprised when he calls you to see how you are doing and try to get back with you...

Another question is: what have you learned about yourself that you can take from this past relationship and move on to the next one? Or will you move on?

[Queencece]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
Don't be shocked that he comes back to you saying that he's sorry about how things went down between you two.

The question is, how are you going to deal with it?

Another question: At 23 years old, for a man to say adamantly, he NEVER EVER wants kids with NO compromise, what will he do if he gets a woman pregnant?

If he NEVER EVER wants kids, then he needs to get a vasectomy... That will be the ONLY way he can ensure that he will NEVER EVER reproduce and have his haploid spermatogenetic DNA homologously recombine naturally with any woman's ovarian DNA for fertilization and placental implantation...

Otherwise, I find it rather odd for him to say anything like that to a woman he is dating. And for him to break up with you because you have those kinds of thoughts is petty and you are better off without him.

I think the best thing he said to you is he rather not waste his time knowing what you know about him now and continue on dating even though you know you cannot change his mind about "his life's decision"...

But another truism in this, that dating you and the way you describe your relationship has changed his life in someway, which inherently affects some aspect of his life's decisions--leading one to think that in some way the anger he spewed was your relationship was at some level thought provoking enough for him to quasi-reconsider some positions...

So, don't be surprised when he calls you to see how you are doing and try to get back with you...

Another question is: what have you learned about yourself that you can take from this past relationship and move on to the next one? Or will you move on?

I sent you a PM because I was a little confused, but to answer the other questions....

He said that if he ever got a woman pregnant, he would "man up" and take care of his responsibilities, but he wouldn't be happy about it at first.

I haven't quite gotten that far with what I have learned yet. I guess I can say that I am still in shock. I will eventually move on because he is not the only man on the earth. I mean the pain is still fresh, but at least I know that I am not alone in this.

Another thing is, you bring up a valid point about him not wanting to continue to date me. My goal was not to change his mind, but to enjoy the time that we had together because I thought we enjoyed each other's company. I guess I was wrong and I just wasted the last 3 months thinking the wrong thing. Oh well, everything happens for a reason. I do believe that there is more to the reason he broke up with me, but I don't know what it is.

Thinking about it makes me nauseous. I need to chill before I get angry because I fear that is the next stage.

One more thing....its funny that you say he will contact me to see how I was doing because as I type this reply I noticed that he sent me a text message asking me how I was doing and how concerned he is about me. I don't think I'm going to answer because I don't think he deserves to know. I need to get away from him and thinking about him and I can't do that with him calling and texting me.

Just trying to make it to a sound mind again.

Thanks!
Q

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by Queencece
He said that if he ever got a woman pregnant, he would "man up" and take care of his responsibilities, but he wouldn't be happy about it at first.

Let me be blunt:

I am sorry, but from my life's experiences, children are not just "responsibilities" to be fulfilled... They are waaay more than that. Irregardless of the maritial status, a baby on the way--especially an unwanted pregnancy--makes folks do many things--even change their whole attitude about life in general... I've seen it done numerous times...

My goal was not to change his mind, but to enjoy the time that we had together because I thought we enjoyed each other's company. I guess I was wrong and I just wasted the last 3 months thinking the wrong thing.

Of course, you NEVER want to change your love's mind--that is called manipulation. It is a pity, he only is beginning to realize about enjoying your company...

And don't think of it as wasted time... I've been there, done that... Think of it as a love-lesson and move from there--a spiritual quest in this life to expand your understanding about yourself and your interaction with others... Should you really feel bad because you loved and you made yourself vunerable???

One more thing....its funny that you say he will contact me to see how I was doing because as I type this reply I noticed that he sent me a text message asking me how I was doing and how concerned he is about me. I don't think I'm going to answer because I don't think he deserves to know. I need to get away from him and thinking about him and I can't do that with him calling and texting me.

Now here come the introspection and self preservation... This situation calls into question how well do you trust and know yourself? If you love all that you are and open enough to expand your boundaries to whatever is possible, then you would need to decide that whatever your love's problems with who he is and what he's all about--you can choose to deal with them or you can choose not...

The fact that he is "text messaging" you is maybe his way of apologizing for how he ended it.

Maybe he is trying to reconnect with you... Maybe he's not...

Either way, you need to decide if it has ended for yourself--of course on your own time when you feel up to it... If you do not want to speak to him now, fine. But is some way, you will have to speak to him...

So do you want to be as ignorant as he was to dump you and yell and scream at him?

Or will you respond in loving-kindness?

[Lindz928]

I say if he is trying to contact you, be open to it. Don't get angry or yell.... It is possible for you two to end things and still be close and care about each other.

I also don't think this means that it is over for you two for good. I have found that what you think at this age will SO often change. When I think back about the things I was ADAMANTLY CERTAIN about 2 years ago.... I'm not saying that you would or should ever try to change him. What I AM saying is that he should NEVER SAY NEVER. He may be certain now that he never wants kids. But, someday he will find a woman who will mean more to him than anything (and this could be you). At that point, I think there is a very good chance that he will realize that his life is not complete without this woman and children of their own. I have seen and heard it before.

So, I guess my advice is don't expect that to happen, but DO talk to him in a civilized manner. You two obviously still care about each other, don't throw away that friendship because right now you want different things for the future.

P.S. This post might not make much sense cause I was writing it really fast.

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by Lindz928
He may be certain now that he never wants kids. But, someday he will find a woman who will mean more to him than anything (and this could be you). At that point, I think there is a very good chance that he will realize that his life is not complete without this woman and children of their own. I have seen and heard it before.

You may have seen and heard it, but that doesn't mean it's always true. There is nothing more frustrating than hearing "Oh you'll change your mind" or "You'll want a baby once you meet the right person" when you know you don't want kids. There are people who didn't want kids when they were 23 and still don't want them a decade later, just as there are people who have met the person who means more than anything and still don't want kids. If anyone gets into a relationship expecting someone to change his/her mind on this issue, she's more likely than not heading toward disappointment and anger down the road. There are plenty of people out there whose lives are complete without having kids. Who's to say this guy isn't one of them? I don't think any of us know, and it's up to Queencece to decide if she can live with that.

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by valkyrie
There is nothing more frustrating than hearing "Oh you'll change your mind" or "You'll want a baby once you meet the right person" when you know you don't want kids.

Co-sign.

Let him go.

[Lindz928]

I'm just saying never say never. Some people don't change their minds, some people do.

I suggest not throwing the relationship away completely. If she really cares about the guy and he really cares about her, then they could at least have a very meaningful friendship. That is definately possible to have even with those different views on family.

[DGqueen17]

I'd dump a guy if wouldnt let me name our daughter Elizabeth.

Theres no compromise here.