Family Expectations

BabyP · #1 08-19-2004, 04:42 AM

ARGGHHHHHH!!! My mom told my family back home that I have a serious boyfriend and she will be a young grandmother and they were talking about weddings and whether or not to do it here or there, etc. Right before she told them, she asked me if she should tell them i told her NO. but she did anyways cuz they were showing off that one of my second cousin is having an engagement party in a few weeks and blah blah....... so my mom wanted to show off. True me and my man do talk about weddings, but most couples do - that dont mean it will happen. I feel more pressure now!!! and the worst part is since my boyfriend is American he hasnt spoke with his family about marriage just that he is "serious" about me. Why does this matter? In our culture, the groom's family pay for wedding. Sometimes i feel like just breaking up with him to get rid of the pressure.

Taualumna · #2 08-19-2004, 11:07 AM

If you guys DO get married, I suggest that you two pay for the wedding! I come from a culture where the groom's side pays as well, but most people from my generation are paying (or going to pay) for themselves.

cashmoney · #3 08-19-2004, 11:59 AM

What are you? Mexican?

Jill1228 · #4 08-19-2004, 01:22 PM

We paid for our own...

If you got family that are control freaks, foot the bill yourself!

My motto: OUR wedding, OUR way...you want then YOU pay!

Kevin · #5 08-19-2004, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by cashmoney
What are you? Mexican?

She's Iranian I think.

The Iranian culture from what I know of it (we're representing a few Iranians in family-law related cases) has a very close family unit. In America, we do have the custom that it's not just the bride and groom getting married, it's two families. Well, in Iran, they take it to a whole different level. They have very close family units and expect to have the same familial closeness with their in-laws.

And BabyP, I'm sure your mother is just very excited (maybe overly so) about becoming a grandmother someday. It's what parents do. I've just moved in with my gf and my parents have been pestering me to get married and start making grandkids. That just doesn't excite me right now

So you're not alone.

BabyP · #6 08-19-2004, 02:53 PM

Yes I am Iranian - KT is right, if the family dont like each other you cant be married cuz your family will become their family too. we do lots of socials, party, talk/call each other it's not like the American (no offense) where the family may see each other on christmas, thanksgiving, memorial day whatever holiday. We really really socialize with each other. parties always include them even though the married couple are not in the country! i have a few other aunts that live in France, they still invite the in laws for parties and cousins and everyone. Your second cousins and so on are treated as if they are your first. everyone is just cousins. this makes introduction confusing because you are wondering how the heck are they related to you.

By the way cashmoney, why did you think I was Mexican?

AKA_Monet · #7 08-19-2004, 07:28 PM

I have a question for you BabyP, are you also Muslim? Because a woman of the Muslim faith just told me that a woman is not allowed in the Mosque for weddings... That the Mosque is only used to worship Allah and nothing else. I apologize for my ignorance, but that what what I was told...

Anyhow, another woman who is Muslim said they had separate areas in the Mosque--the wedding was in SoCal--and that she was covered from head to toe. She said she would let me come to the religious event, but since there was some hesitation on her part, I chose not to go so that I would not offend her and her family since I am not part of her family and not Muslim... But what she described to me I thought it was kind of cool.

In some parts of America, some ethnic groups do believe in full on family involvement. It may vary from culture to culture on the roles. But there is huge family involvement and who pays for the wedding.

I have attended many an African American weddings and seen many things... There are comments on that at the NPHC organizational boards.

I have attended a Vietnamese wedding that was truly interesting...

A partial South Indian wedding--it was a biracial--or bi-ethnic wedding... But most of the the activities were South Indian heritage--like the Thali... Beautifully clothed wedding... Just beautiful...

I have attended a Catholic Mass wedding...

I have attenede a Vegas wedding... No Elvis though...

I have attended the American Wedding that you see all on TV and in the magazines

Never attended at Jewish wedding, an full on African wedding, a Middle Easterner wedding, a Russian wedding and a Native American wedding... And I have never done the Chicken Dance!!!

But, overtime, I will get to do all these things...

BabyP · #8 08-20-2004, 04:39 AM

Yes I am muslim - you cant get married in the mosque - that is correct. There is a seperate section for those who would like to but most marriage take at the home, we have special ceremony also its good at the home since it s only family (trust me our family unit is HUGE like two hundred on one side alone) and you are not covered for it. If you make it a public wedding then you will have to be covered unless you go to a seperate room for girls only. I have attended, Mexican Catholic wedding, Vietnamese, Persian, Cambodian, but I have seen tapes of the Indian, Pakinstani and Jewish wedding, they only invite family. but I am invited by two really good friends when they get married YAY!!

mu_agd · #9 08-20-2004, 07:13 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by BabyP
and Jewish wedding, they only invite family.

this is not true. Friends are definitely invited to Jewish weddings if they two getting married want them there.

_Opi_ · #10 08-20-2004, 11:24 AM

AKAMonet,

I haven't actually heard of a wedding that took place in a mosque. But if it did, yeah the men and women sections would have to be divided (because it is religiously mandated). The women doesn't have to cover herself if she's around just women though, even in the mosque (but she still has to be conservative, because she's in the house of God). Adding to what BabyP said, it really just depends what culture you're from - you can keep it really traditional or not. It also depends on how moderate or conservative the family is when it comes to religion. In my African culture, even though majority of us are muslims, we tend to be a little bit more cultural than religious when it comes to weddings.

Rudey · #11 08-20-2004, 11:28 AM

A) I would say most Persians in America are Jewish - if not most than there is a HUGE proportion that are.
B) Hence most Persian weddings in America are for Jewish couples.
C) The weddings are rather westernized and on a grand scale.
D) The weddings definitely are usually not family members only as I've seen weddings with over a thousand guests.

-Rudey

AKA_Monet · #12 08-20-2004, 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by _Opi_
AKAMonet,

I haven't actually heard of a wedding that took place in a mosque. But if it did, yeah the men and women sections would have to be divided (because it is religiously mandated). The women doesn't have to cover herself if she's around just women though, even in the mosque (but she still has to be conservative, because she's in the house of God). Adding to what BabyP said, it really just depends what culture you're from - you can keep it really traditional or not. It also depends on how moderate or conservative the family is when it comes to religion. In my African culture, even though majority of us are muslims, we tend to be a little bit more cultural than religious when it comes to weddings.

Yeah, my friend who said she was married at the Mosque (I was unclear if it was the room of worship or another room--sorry for my ignorance), was from Cairo but attend Oxford University said she had the "traditional veil" that covers women of Arab descent??? She said it was is was like an "white" color with sequins and beautiful beads... I thought that the way she described her head covering was truly beautiful... I wish I had seen it...

But she said she would feel uncomfortable if I were to come... And so, since it was "her" day, I decided it best to congratulate her with all the other co-workers outside of her family's group...

But to me, it was interesting about the "separation" and the fact that Mosques are ONLY used to worship Allah... I just think that is cool...

To me... That is my humble opinion...

No telling what happens in SOME people's Christian churches...

Optimist Prime · #13 08-21-2004, 04:32 AM

ther pressure isn't on you just him

listen to whatever KTsnake said.... I'm drunk

KappaKittyCat · #14 08-23-2004, 10:03 AM

Just out of curiosity, BabyP, is your boyfriend Muslim? If not, would he convert for you two to be married?

I wouldn't worry about your mother. It sounds like she's just excited. If the pressure really starts coming down for you guys to get married, then it's time to have a talk.

chideltjen · #15 08-23-2004, 01:39 PM

I quickly scanned this thread so if someone already mentioned this... sorry!

I took a class a couple semesters ago on Middle Eastern cultures and a good portion of it covered the Muslim religion.
My professor had mentioned that a Muslim woman couldn't marry a non-Muslim man, for fear that she would convert to his religion. But a Muslim man could marry a non-Muslim woman, so he could possibly convert her.

I thought it was an interesting point. May have nothing to do with this thread. Just thought I would share.

Carry on.