Friend's unwanted pregnancy

BabyP · #1 07-28-2004, 03:15 AM

I just got bad news today that one of my friend is pregnant by her asshole ex and she was supposed to have moved out but too late she is pregnant. I told her she doesnt have to have the baby if she doesnt want it. But i feel so bad for her and I hate to say it but I am thanking GOD that I am not in her shoes. I dont hear anything about the guy marrying her or anything....... and he knows that she is pregnant. What should I do and has this ever happened to you that you had a friend like this???

valkyrie · #2 07-28-2004, 03:48 AM

I'd say it's probably a good thing that they're not getting married if he's an asshole.

I've been in the same situation with a friend of mine, and I think that all you can really do is let her know that you'll be there for her no matter what she decides, and then be there for her. I wouldn't offer advice or opinions unless she asks.

AOII*Azra-elle · #3 07-28-2004, 04:05 AM

I know someone that has been in this situation. I agree not to offer advice or opinions unless she asks. My friend was engaged and it was enough to actually break them up. They decided to have an abortion. If that is an option for your friend, or even adoption, if you don't agree with it, don't let it be known. Just be there for her, b/c with either decision, they are both hard and she will have to learn to live with them. My friend did this almost 10 years ago, and she still deals with it on a daily basis. She says the thing that gets her through the most is that her closest friends and family didn't judge her, but were there for her when she really needed them.

winneythepooh7 · #4 07-28-2004, 08:07 AM

valkyrie and azraelle have said some good things. if i were you i would be there to *listen* and support your friend in HER decisions but that is all you can really do. i wouldn't get personally involved and put your feelings about the situation onto her because that is where things get sticky if you know what i am saying. i hope everything works out okay.

GeekyPenguin · #5 07-28-2004, 08:42 AM

Do not offer her any opinion. Tell her she needs to do the best thing for her and suggest both someplace like Veritas and someplace like Planned Parenthood that you could take her to counseling at.

TrueBlueKappa · #6 07-28-2004, 10:24 AM

Everyone has given very good advice. Your role is to be the supportive friend, no matter what decision she makes. Just be there for her and lsiten. Don't give her your opinion unless you ask for it. No matter what decision your friend makes, this is going ot be a rough time for her, and she needs all of the support, love, and understanding she can get.
Hope everything turns out alright...

#7 07-28-2004, 10:31 AM

The exact same thing happened to my friend, just as they were leaving their apartment and going their seperate ways. They still went, she is living with her parents and working at a bookstore. She still talks to her x, but realizes that he is not in the right situation right now to give her the life her and her baby needs. So, she is determined to make it herself and doing a good job. At this point just be very supportive in anything she decides.

chideltjen · #8 07-28-2004, 11:35 AM

Offer an ear but don't preach to her. It is ultimately her decision (and her ex's if she chooses to include him.)

There are options in Sacramento. There are lots of Safe Haven centers around the city if she chooses not the keep the child but wants to carry it to term. Many hospitals and firehouses have this service. This is if she asks what to do if she wants to have the child but not keep it.

astroAPhi · #9 07-28-2004, 11:43 AM

Try and lay out all of her options for her. As you've seen in this thread, there are many. But one option should NOT be to go back to her ex. If he treats her bad, he might treat their baby bad too (I'd say more than likely he will, but there are people who are horrible husbands/wives but great parents and vice versa). By letting her know all her options, she can pick the one best for her.

(And if she is thinking about adoption, don't let people tell her the kid will be messed up/hate her. I'm adopted and I turned out fine (and no hatred for my biological mom)!)

BabyP · #10 07-28-2004, 05:07 PM

She lives too far and she is going to keep it cuz her friends told her horror stories about abortion. I tried to tell her to go to planned parenthood and that its free and they offer services for either keeping it or abortion but to GO there!!! by the way, she doesnt agree with adoption cuz she was given up by her bio-mother and was in horrible foster homes.

Kevin · #11 07-28-2004, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by BabyP
She lives too far and she is going to keep it cuz her friends told her horror stories about abortion. I tried to tell her to go to planned parenthood and that its free and they offer services for either keeping it or abortion but to GO there!!! by the way, she doesnt agree with adoption cuz she was given up by her bio-mother and was in horrible foster homes.

So she'd rather have not been born?

BabyP · #12 07-28-2004, 05:12 PM

the point is that giving up for adoption is not an option, and her friends scared her off abortion so she is gonna keep it and raise it. which concerns me cuz she was going to finish her education and get a job (since she moved with the guy, she couldnt work at her old job which was too far). I know that its not looking pretty right now for her. If i was close by i would take her to planned parenthood for counseling and getting educated advice and really thinking about the future.

Kevin · #13 07-28-2004, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by BabyP
the point is that giving up for adoption is not an option, and her friends scared her off abortion so she is gonna keep it and raise it. which concerns me cuz she was going to finish her education and get a job (since she moved with the guy, she couldnt work at her old job which was too far). I know that its not looking pretty right now for her. If i was close by i would take her to planned parenthood for counseling and getting educated advice and really thinking about the future.

There are plenty of programs to help young moms out. I'm not a big fan of all of 'em, but in some cases, like hers, they are needed and helpful. If she pays taxes, she might as well take advantage. Once she has the child, she'll probably be able to apply for various benefits through your DHS office.

chideltjen · #14 07-28-2004, 05:48 PM

Also make sure she is keeping her health in check. Y'know, regularly seeing doctors, getting the proper care, and whatnot. Last thing she will want is to put the baby's or her health in jeopardy.

winneythepooh7 · #15 07-28-2004, 06:13 PM

Try to help her find as many supportive services and networks as possible. Being a young single mother is very difficult in our society and unfortunately, single mother's are often blamed for their choice to keep the baby. The biggest obstacle is childcare so she will be able to take classes to advance herself and get a good paying job. I don't have a lot of firsthand experience with single mothers, but as a Social Worker, I get really upset with the lack of services out there. I am working with a single mother right now with two young children. She has problems with her knees so is eligible for access-a-ride which is a van service run by the MTA in NYC that disabled clients can use instead of the subway or bus to get around. Unfortunately, this service only allows the parent to transport 1 child with her so either way she is screwed if she cannot find someone else to watch her other child. I guess what I am trying to say is that there will be lots of obstacles for her so try to get as many things in place as possible NOW and not after the baby is born. How old is your friend? If she is under 21 she may be eligible for a teen parenting program where housing is provided or a stipend for housing is provided. I'd really have to research it more and I am sure it most definately varies from state to state. Also, I am a BIG fan of support groups. Encourage your friend to get involved in support groups for single mothers if any exist in your area. This is also a good way for her to meet friends going through the same thing and also this is often a way single mothers form a unit to help each other out with childcare. Also as a single mother, if college is in her plans she should definately keep that as a goal. There are lots of monetary awards and scholarships available for single parents. Where I went to grad school, the school offers like 2 or 3 full scholarships for single mothers, and this is a private school too. Lastly, and I think I said this already, please please please be supportive of her in whatever she decides to do. She is probably going to lose a lot of "friends" during this time so she will need support not judgment. Keep me posted