Advice

[GreekLetterGirl]

Sisters-

I wasn't sure where to post this, so I felt here would be a good starting place.
This is sort of a long and strange story so please bear with me.


My neighbor's husband died on 1-11-2004. It was a very sudden and shocking death. The husband was in his early 70's and she's mid to late 50's if not older. Anyways she's sort of wedged her way into my family because she has never had children. We've known her for 13 years or so. But she's always been one of those women, who drive the BMW, and do dinner with people and just gossip and have nothing to say. The typical country club women. She's always asking what so and so thinks of us, and she also has the tendancy to butt in where she is not really wanted. She's also very self absorbed and only see people for when they're helping her. She tends to make her self a martyr as well, and will not help her self.

So once her husband died she asked that we stay with her. She became ill and should have gone to the hospital but refused. She's recovered. now Yet she refuses to try and help her self, or acknowledge that she's burdening my family. Rather than try to learn how to work her computer, she askes that I do it. When I offer to teach her she doesn't want to learn. " you'll just do it for me". She's been calling my mom 8-10 times a day to say NOTHING. It was so bad that my mother turned off her phone. And one time she was talking to my mom, who almost wrecked her car, ( she the neighbor) was on the phone with my mom at this time and heard the beeping and swearing and just continued on with her normal sob story of being alone, and helpless.

It was sorted out that I would stay tuesday, and my mom and sister would be there a few of the other days. She has family in the area but they are so used to her making a martyr of her self they will not even stay with her. Now I know that I have never lost some one close to me ( thank god but at some point it will happen) but it's been almost 6 weeks of her having some one stay with her at night EVERY NITE. Now at first I didn't mind at all because she was grieving and it's hard when you lose some one. But now I LOATHE my tuesday because I know I have to go and deal with her. It's always the same thing. So last week when I was there she was mad at me because I couldn't go to dinner with her. ( Note that she's one to cancel dinner 3 days after it happened and thinks nothing of it) and had the nerve to tell me that I'll going to have a long, lonely miserable life, with many troubles ahead. Keep in mind I am runing my own web design business, working full time, and taking nutrition classes. but she thinks my time is not of any value.
She insitis on trying to set me up with men 2 times my age, though she knows i am sort of dating some one.

So I told my mom that I am not going to keep going over there to get lectured on my life. And that we aren't helping her by being her crutches. And if her and my sister want to keep going over that is fine, but I am not. Now,I don't mind helping her, nor being there for her, but she doesn't even thank us. She just expects this of us. She told my mom she named us ( my sisters and my self) her heirs.

Anyways basically the advice I need, is it acceptable for me to stop staying there. I am just sick to death of her lectures, and inablity to try to help her self. I need to have time to do my things, and it's honestly interfearing with my life.

What do you think?

[honeychile]

Of course it is alright for you to draw limits to your time! Even if this was your mother, it would still be alright for you to set limits!

Unfortunately, since y'all have set a pattern, it's going to be hard to break it without hard feelings. Tell her that you are willing to teach her how to use the computer, but you feel that you are robbing her of a chance to really enjoy her computer if you do it for her. Then, walk her through it. It will be hard. You will get completely frustrated. But eventually, you won't have to be with her when she logs on, you'll be able to coach her by phone. And we all know that, once she's hooked, she's not going to be your problem 24/7. Oh, and make sure her ISP has 24/7 tech help - that's what they're paid to do!

As for staying there, tell her that you have something terribly contagious and it is simply unfair to her for you to stay overnight. (You're not lying - becoming a burden is VERY contagious!!)

Good luck - and don't take any guilt trips!!

[adpiucf]

Your family needs to sit down and have a family meeting. You've helped your neighbor through a very tough time, but now she is beginning to take advantage.

From this family meeting, I gather you will determine that you will all agree that although your neighbor is greiving, she is taking advantage of you.

And then, mom and dad need to make a date with the neighbor.

Your parents should kindly but firmly tell your neighbor that while they're glad to have been there for her in her time of need, the entire family has sat down and decided that the family needs to ease away from the constant visiting, phone calling and helping. They're next door if there is a medical emergency or to borrow a cup of sugar, or even an occasional dinner together, but the constant calling and checking in can't go on.

That is in a perfect world, of course. Your parents have to be up for putting their foot down.

So in the meantime, you need to tell your mom and dad that you would like to have a family meeting about this. If they don't agree, than you need to politely yet firmly inform them that while you feel for your neighbor's grief, you have put in a good amount of helping her and it is interfering with your life. In other words, you will not be visiting the neighbor on a regular basis anymore.

Next, visit with your neighbor. Bring her a sweet treat or some flowers. Tell her proud you are of her for coming through such a tough time. And tell her that you're glad to have been there for her and now it is time for you to go back to your normal schedule with work and school, but you look forward to remaining neighborly and wish her the best.

There should be an active adult center in your town where seniors can go to play cards, visit with one another, have coffee and do art, etc. This neighbor could benefit greatly from going here a few times a week. Most times, the center has a bus that picks the person up.

Good luck and be strong! And firm!

[FirstAndFinest]

I have to agree with ADPiUCF. You have to set a boundary, and as Honey pointed out, it will be hard to do. Tha is not to say impossible. Be clear in terms of what you will or won't do. Speak in the "I" not the "you" (eg "I feel... when you say/do..." not "You do this to me and I don't like it"). This woman has spent a lifetime acting this way and cannot change overnight. She won't change at all, unless she wants to. SO, don't expect a change from her - YOU need to change, and it sounds like you want to!! It is HEALTHY for us to set (and KEEP) boundaries for others! You are not being mean, ugly or hateful by setting your boundaries in a loving and caring manner. You and your family are not helping her by feeding into her behaviours. Be strong! Be kind! And let us know how it goes!!

L&L,
Leslie

[skerbow]

well said.

[ADPiAkron]

I agree with all that is said! Be strong and let us know how it turns out! Whether it is good or bad we can help you through it!

[GreekLetterGirl]

Ladies-

First thank you all for the replies. I took them all in to consideration for what my course of action was going to be. I finally spoke up to my neighbor, explained that I was getting too overwhelmed at work, and with other responsiblities that I can't keep going over. So I haven't gone over the last few weeks and it's be wonderful. She keeps calling and asking but I just keep saying no, eventaully she'll get over it.

Thank you all for your help and support with this. Knowing that I could come here and get advice was great.

Violets to all of you.