drinking responsibly

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The holiday season is a time to enjoy family dinners, office parties, and get-togethers with friends. Festive drinks and tasty punches often contribute to the holiday revelry, so here are some tips to help you celebrate sensibly:

1. If you are a woman, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. If you are a man, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.

2. Always drink from the bottle labeled "XXX." The bottle with the skull-and-crossbones on the front is poison.

3. Drinking alone is a telltale sign that you know better than to put up with anybody's bullshit.

4. Drinking more than seven nights a week is not just irresponsible, it's impossible.

5. If someone you know is too drunk to drive, demand that he let you have his car keys. If he refuses, pull out a gun and demand the car keys again. This also works with people who are not drunk, and whom you do not know.

6. While standing in the middle of the road at 3 a.m. yelling expletives at your ex-girlfriend, wear light-colored clothing so motorists can see you.

7. Once you get married and have kids, stop drinking tons of whiskey and switch to drinking tons of wine.

8. Always re-cap your flask between swigs. This lengthens the amount of time between drinks.

9. Don't mix alcohol with stereotypes. If you are Irish, drink rum. If you are a pirate, drink whiskey.

10. Don't drink and drive. Disregard this if you happen to be one of those people who drive better drunk.

11. If you suddenly find yourself impaired by alcohol, prevent any social awkwardness by informing all those present that you profoundly love them, and that you never get this drunk.

12. Never use alcohol to escape feelings of failure and loneliness. Use Vicodin.

13. Before heading out to the office holiday party, tape a handcuff key to the inside of your watchband. Just trust us on this one.