Mentoring: Chicago Volunteers Needed

[Eclipse]

Anyone else out there mentoring a teen girl right now--especially a teen mother? I just started mentoring one and wanted to see if any of you could give me some insight, tips, help, anything!! I met my mentee through an outreach that the Women's Group at my Church did. LaTeshia is 15 years old, has a 2 year old son (yep, 13 when she had her baby, sexually active at about 10 when she was raped by a man that her mother practically gave her to. The baby was conceived by consentual sex--as much as a 12 year old can consent!) and is currently living with a cousin. She was on the honor roll the last semester of last year, but because of various reasons she did not go to school for most of the first 2 months of this year. In the short period of time since then she has attended 2 different schools. Her mother is a crack addict, going blind and is dying of AIDS. As I said, she was on the 'honor roll' last year, but she could not put 3 sentences together that all followed the rules of standard grammar if her life depended on it. So much for our wonderful public school system!! I have set up several meetings to do things with her and on all but one occassion she was either not at home when I called to say I was on my way, asleep or had forgotten about our plans, so could not go. I've tried not to get frustrated with her because I know she is not used to stability in her life, but shoot! I have stuff I could be doing too! I am also trying to balance being a "girlfriend" to her and someone who is always preaching to her. I also don't want to be seen as the 'rich lady' (which I am far from--I coulda been buyin' me some stuff!) who buys her and her baby things. She was supposed to go to church with me but complained that she did not have anything to wear. I went out and purchased 3 dresses (they weren't expensive; I went to Marshall's and one was $9.00) and a pair of shoes. That was about a month ago. She still has not gone to church with me. I want to be a positive influence in her life, but I sometimes wonder if our worlds are so different that I could not really imagine the kinds of things she is dealing with. When we first began to communicate she could not believe that I am 34 years old, married, with no children and that my husband has no children either. Her mother is just a few years older than me!! Sometimes I think I have bitten off more than I can chew.

Questions: What kinds of things do you do with your mentee? What do you do when she fails to keep up her end of the bargain? Any veterans with words of wisdom for me? HELP!!

[This message has been edited by Eclipse (edited December 05, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Eclipse (edited December 06, 2000).]

[AKA2D '91]

Oh my...

Well, I have been a mentor through my school. Alot of the teachers come together and mentor girls. There also is a group for the boys, too.

I have done the usual, take to the mall, movies, museums, church, HOME TO MOM FOR A MEAL, plays, football games,etc.

It maybe tough since she is a mother, but maybe you can take her to a group that teaches parenting skills.

Good luck!

[exquizit]

I've never been a mentor, but she seems to be avoiding you for some reason. Is it possible to sit her down and have a talk about what she's feeling or going through right now? Being a teen parent is tough no doubt. She can't do anything she used to and she's probably really upset about her mother in more ways than one. She has to face alot of shame that society places on young mothers as well as un avoidable shame in what her mom is going through.

Let her know that you're really interested in being there for her. She may not have had anyone really show her that they care so therefore she may not be used to such treatment. Try your best not to give up on her, but at the same time , don't lay down to play doormat either.

I talk with all the young girls in my neighborhood and I listen without judgement then offer as much advice as I can. So many were just happy to have someone to listen to them, and others thought I was in it for some sort of gain. I'm not a "mentor" so to speak , but I've talked with many young girls. They need more people to take interest in them (Mainly parents) and I applaud you and your efforts!

[serenity_24]

DON'T GIVE UP! DON'T GIVE UP! DON'T GIVE UP!

I am not a mentor but I was a mentee.

Although my situation was not as extreme as your mentee's, I too had a lot to deal with. My mother was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, so she was never really fully capable of taking care of my brother and I, so I had to do it. We lived off of my mothers disability check that came only once a month, so we didn't have much of anything. I didn't have a sister and the 4 girl cousins I had, out of 20, were all well over 10 years older than me and lived in different states, not to mention the family ostracized us because of my mom's disability. So, I had no female influences. However, my mother cared about us sooooooo much, that she took the initiative to enroll us (my brother and I) in a Big Brothers and Sisters program when I was 12.

When I first met my big sister, I didn't want to do anything with her. I didn't want her coming to my house, seeing where I lived, knowing my mother was "crazy", knowing that we hardly had food in the house, or feeling sorry for us and doing things for me out of pitty. She would make plans for us like going to the movies and things of that nature, but like your mentee, I would have things to do, forget, or just not be home.
One day she came to my house unannounced and sat me down and basically came out and asked me why I was avoiding her. I didn't want to tell her the truth so I just shrugged my shoulders. She then asked me what were some of the things that I liked to do, placing the ball in my court. Finally she said that if I ever wanted to do anything with her or if I ever needed to just get away from home or just to talk, from this point on I would have to be the one to call her and let her know and she would be there. I didn't call her for nearly a month, and one day the situation at my house got so bad and I didn't have anybody to turn to and I remembered her invitation and I called her. She was there for me. That showed me I could trust her and that she was ginuinly interested in me.

I began to call her on a regular basis after that. She would come and pick me up and take me to school and introduce me to her friends and sorors as her little sister - minus the explaination of the program, which ensured me that she was sincere. She taught me what sisterhood really meant through her actions and not her words. She taught me that there was no need to be ashamed of my background; emphasizing that I had no choice of whom my family would be, but I did have a choice on whom I would be. Through her encouragement I learned to accept my mothers illness and began to embrace my mother more than I ever had before, sharing with her some of the sisterhood I had been shown.

I am now working on a dual degree in biology and physiology. I have been on the dean's list the entire time. My mother was treated and CURED of her illness. We are now the best of friends.

It has been 12 years since I met my "Big Sister", and we have never stopped communicating since. I lived with her for about a year when she moved to California (about 3000 miles from where I lived). I was in her wedding in '98. And, when the whole country was wondering who would win California, I called her to make sure she voted (had to throw that one in there).
The point is: DON'T GIVE UP! DON'T GIVE UP! DON'T GIVE UP!

You might be just what that girl needs in her life right now. Just give it time, but be persistant.

Good luck, and keep us posted. I want to read one day that things have turned around 180 degrees.

PS. My big sister didn't buy me things unless it was a holiday or my birthday, or I brought home the bomb report card. So it might be helpful if you didn't just buy things (church dresses excluded) for no reason, it might make her feel like she's recieving charity and she just might look at you as the "rich lady" and nothing more.

P.P.S. You don't have to preach to her, she will be watching what you do, and if you spend enough time with her you will notice a change. When she says things that you think need correcting, approach it from a differnt angle. For example if she said something like "I anit got no money" you could say, " oooh that would have sounded so much better if you'd said 'I don't have any money', then laugh it off, saving her the embarrassment. That shows her that you accept her; broke-down ebonics and all. She will begin to correct herself right before your eyes. You'll see. There will be no words for the feeling you'll have when you notice the change for the first time.

I emulate my big sister to this day. She has become a part of me (as anyones sister or mother would). She has given me a sense of self. I will be forever greatful to my mother, to my sister, and to God, for giving me that opportunity.

I hope this helps

[Eclipse]

TO all that have responded, Thank you so much!! I think I have been feeling a little overwhelmed lately and my feeling of hopelessness in the situation were a result of that. On last Saturday I took a 4 hour comprehensive HR exam that I had been studying for day and night for 3 months, I've done a lot of traveling for the past 3 weeks and my mother has been ill again. In the midst of it all I was trying to carve out a little time for her, only to get stood up repeatedly! The person who got us together (who is her LCSW) told me to expect these things but dang! You guys have given me a renewed spirit about this. In the grand scheme of things I really have not been working with her for that long. I just think of where I would be if folks had given up on me early in life! Lawd ha' mussy!!!

Serenity, a special thank you for sharing your story and allowing me to see the 'other size' of the coin!

I'll keep you guys informed and in the mean time I will continue to press on!!
Eclipse

[Conskeeted19]

Being a mentor is not an easy task. I have been mentoring young people for several years. Most of the kids that I deal with have severe social problems. You should understand that trust is a big issue with kids. They won't get with the program until they see that you are sincere with your efforts. These children have been violated in a terrible way. It is extremely difficult for them to trust because often times their loved ones (mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, uncle,teacher...) are the ones whose doing the violating. Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that if we buy this or that for them our actions will prove our committment. However, a lot of them receive money, clothes, and other gifts as hush tokens from their violaters. In other words monetary gifts and offerings dosen't mean a thing.
My advice to you is to be consistent, persistent and prayerful. Once she sees that you can be trusted, not even the plague would keep her away.

I'll be praying for you!


Conskeeted19

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You are the master of your own destiny!

[Eclipse]

I just spoke to LaTeshia again. I called her on Monday and Tuesday and she called me back today. I told her I was really looking forward to seeing her and was disappointed when she did not come to church with me on Sunday and that we have tried to get together several times and something is always 'coming up'. She appologized and I said "O.k. Now that that's behind us...." and went on to another topic. She laughed, so I think it went over well. I didn't want to just dismiss it, but I didn't want to dwell on it either. We've made plans for Saturday afternoon, so pray for us both!!

[Eclipse]

Update for you guys....As I last mentioned, LaTeshia and I were supposed to get together on Saturday for a fun outing. When I called her she was 'gone to the doctor' according to her cousin. Help me out folks, a doctor's appointment on a Saturday afternoon???

We finally talked on Tuesday. There was little to no explaination about what had happened. During this conversation she asked me to get her nails done for her. I politely declined, saying that I don't even get MY nails done on a regular basis. When she asked why I told her that I have to prioritize things in my life and right now, getting my nails done is not a major priority; other things were more important. At that point the conversation went south and I could tell she was sulking. We talked a little while more, and I encouraged her to call me today so we could just chat about school. Something tells me she's not going to call....

I'm not giving up guys, but I needed to vent. I was soooooooo mad!! How are you going to stand me up for the umpteenth time and then ask me to pay to get your nails done??? This is also the child that told me she bought herself a playstation for Christmas, but she had not potty trained her son because she didn't have a pottie for him to use. We are going to have a long talk.....

[MIDWESTDIVA]

Buying a playstation for herself before buying a potty for her child?? What in the world??........I'm going to add you all to my prayer list.

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"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen." ~Harry S. Truman~



[This message has been edited by MIDWESTDIVA (edited December 13, 2000).]

[AKA2D '91]

"CAN'T CHANGE THE WORLD?
THEN, CHANGE JUST ONE LIFE"


Mentoring a youth can change his or her life through sharing
experiences, ideas, and dreams with a caring adult. Individuals with
as little as one hour per week of volunteer time can make a lasting
and life changing input on a child. Are you a person who wants to
make a difference in someone's life? If so, you may be just the
adult that Youth Network Council's Making Mentoring Meaningful (MMM)
is seeking. MMM is the new premier program that is making
significant impact through its select core of quality adult
volunteers paired to youth age 4 – 14 years old.


If you want to assist youth from the Grand Boulevard
neighborhood of Chicago to develop positive relationships, improve
social development, and gain skills towards becoming healthy and
productive community members, then you are a candidate for MMM's
select core of adult volunteers.
All potential mentors will attend an orientation and
training, and be pre-screened, including background and reference
checks, and have opportunities for special mentoring supports. For
information about becoming a mentor, contact Gavin Armour, MMM
Program Coordinator, at YNC, (312)-704-1257.

[futurestar1]

Sharing Wisdom
Becoming A Mentor

Most often, we think of mentors in terms of successful, professional adults taking disadvantaged youths under their wings, encouraging them to pursue higher education and attain lofty career goals. Yet, anyone, old or young, formally educated or street smart, can be a mentor. We all can, and should, be mentors and we can mentor anyone of any age, gender, race, or socio-economic background.

Simply defined, a mentor is a wise and trusted person. We all have wisdom to share and we should feel honored when someone trusts us enough to ask for our guidance. We then have the opportunity to trust in ourselves and our judgment. We come to know that we have the innate good sense to impart our life experience (no matter how long we've lived) and the knowledge we've gained to be of value and service to others. We can help someone discover themselves and their potential, show them their own brilliance, and guide them in defining and achieving any goals they may have. Mentoring allows us to expose others to new experiences and introduce them to new ideas. In turn, we discover and learn new things about ourselves.

Many of us mentor others even when we're not aware we're doing it. The grandmother who teaches a child how to knit is a mentor, for she not only teaches stitches, she passes on her knowledge of an age old craft and encourages a child to be creative. We may even think of our own children as our mentors, allowing us to view life from the beginning, bringing out our silly side, and showing us how to love unconditionally.

There are many kinds of mentors and though we may feel intimidated by the responsibility, it is a role we should embrace. We are here on earth to learn and to pass on life's lessons to others. Whether we mentor someone throughout their life with guidance and counsel or for just a moment by letting someone confide in us, we are doing a valuable service. When someone reaches out, take their hand. They are saying that they trust your wisdom.

Share the OM: To email this to a friend, click:
http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/email...?articleid=429

[SummerChild]

Sounds like a great opp but I may be relocating. We'll see.
SC

Originally posted by AKA2D '91
"CAN'T CHANGE THE WORLD?
THEN, CHANGE JUST ONE LIFE"


Mentoring a youth can change his or her life through sharing
experiences, ideas, and dreams with a caring adult. Individuals with
as little as one hour per week of volunteer time can make a lasting
and life changing input on a child. Are you a person who wants to
make a difference in someone's life? If so, you may be just the
adult that Youth Network Council's Making Mentoring Meaningful (MMM)
is seeking. MMM is the new premier program that is making
significant impact through its select core of quality adult
volunteers paired to youth age 4 – 14 years old.


If you want to assist youth from the Grand Boulevard
neighborhood of Chicago to develop positive relationships, improve
social development, and gain skills towards becoming healthy and
productive community members, then you are a candidate for MMM's
select core of adult volunteers.
All potential mentors will attend an orientation and
training, and be pre-screened, including background and reference
checks, and have opportunities for special mentoring supports. For
information about becoming a mentor, contact Gavin Armour, MMM
Program Coordinator, at YNC, (312)-704-1257.

[futurestar1]

Originally posted by SummerChild
Sounds like a great opp but I may be relocating. We'll see.
SC

It is great to hear you say this. Just to see that other mentors realize consistency is key for that type of relationship. On both parts.