Hey, I registered cause I was way too curious. Here it is:
Queer Eye for The Frat Guy
Yes W&L, we're back. Your very own helpful homos have reconvened for another week of hip tips. Last week was quite the milestone for our dear school, as frat lords all over campus received a rude awakening. To those cargo short clad men still smarting from last week, please don't be offended, just step away from the cargos and know that it is for the best. It's called tough love, and that's what we're here for. Also to pacify any upset heteros out there, the truth is there are actually gay men who need this advice just as badly as you do. So don't get down on yourself Fratty McStraightman, you aren't hopeless and you are not alone. Heed our advice and you too can have all the style the girls thirst for, and if they don't work out, and if you were intrigued by the tough love comment, feel free to pitch a game for our IM team.
Cheers,
The Queer Eyes
On Interior Design
-Girls like to get down and dirty, but I hear they prefer the dirtiness to come from somewhere other than your Ralph Lauren Polo bed linens. If you plan on spending quality time between the sheets, it's important to clean the sheets.
-Busty ladies may seem like a good idea when you're browsing the poster sale, but you and I both know you can find way more of that online... Let's leave the XXX to the WWW and save your wall space for something more interesting.
-Don't let your dirty clothing take over your room! Wrangle those Wranglers in a hamper!
-Growing plants in your room can be fun, and no not the ones that require sunlamps. Develop your green thumb with assorted potted plants. Women love men who garden and more likely than not your newly cultivated green thumb will come in handy as you pick flowers in the garden of love.
On Women
(I say get off women, but to each his own...)
-Everyone likes a good massage, so treat your girl to a sensual rub-down. Be sure to incorporate plenty of lubricant er....moisturizing massage oil. And don't forget to create an environment. That means soothing music and lots of candles (no occasion is complete without something flaming).
-Way to go frat guy, you scored big time Saturday night! Don't remember her name? That's no excuse to ignore her in class Monday morning. Afterall, you two did exchange bodily fluids. Why not exchange salutations as well?
-Only a jerk makes his latest hookup stumble home in last night's beer stained cocktail dress. Insist she wear one of your hoodies. If you like her, give her the good one. Then you'll increase the chances of seeing her again when you reclaim what's rightfully yours. If you're lucky, she'll be more than willing to repay the favor. If you don't like her, give her your roommate's clothes - then let him track her down.
-Remember when you had to scramble to put together the perfect last minute outfit for your most important date function? Oh wait, that wasn't you scrambling. That was the girl you asked 12 hours before Fancy Dress last year. Don't be that guy. Girls don't like him. Give your prospective date at least a week's notice so she can spend a full 7 days obsessing about whether or not you expect her to put out.
On Fashion and Grooming
Hello again, my fratty friends, it's time for yet another bit of insight into your closets. Get the Glad bags ready.
-This is something I saw the other night while I was out. Caps, visors, baseball hats, whatever you want to call the accoutrement atop your head- keep 'em straight. I know, I know, it's been nearly impossible for me to keep things straight too, but this is where we all must unite and draw the line. Forwards, backwards or you're in Compton, no excuses.
-Unless you are the Messiah himself, I don't want to see anymore Jesus of Nazareth sandals adorning your feet, frat guy. I know, I've confused you, my apologies. Some explanation is required. If your sandals have: greater than a one-inch heel, more than two straps or buckles of any sort, the Queer Eyes will be taking you in for questioning and, at the very least, a summarial burning of your "shoes." Not to push my agenda, but why not try Rainbows (
www.rainbowsandals.com), yes the pun was intended.
-Whoa! Frat guy! You went to Abercrombie Surf School/Ski School/Football Camp? Not being athletically inclined myself, except for being chased by the occasional disgruntled Christian conservative, I have no idea to what these refer. However, I have an inkling that these works of art hail from that bastion of fratty finery "Abercrombie and Fitch". Unless you have actually attended one or more of the aforementioned events, grab the Glad bag and go to it. Impress the ladies with your athletic prowess by sporting the Trident or other college logos. Did he really go there? Mystery's always an ace in your pocket.
-Oh frat guy, after months of toil under the sun this summer and many a 12 oz curl in the past few weeks, have you paid any attention to your hands? Yes, those gnarled masses attached to your wrists DO need attention. Trim your nails and your cuticles, there's nothing worse than being on a date and saying, "Damn, I broke a nail." Believe me.
In Closing
Every breeder needs a homo in his corner. Why, you ask? Next time you want to know how that sorority theme party went, you can always ask one of your style-saavy queer eyes. We got invited. Did you? Stick with us and we'll get you on that next crush-list. Our srat-pals always look to us for guest list recommendations.
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