Pre Mid Life Crisis?

[Kristin AGD]

I apologize if this is way long. But do guys go through some kind of crisis in their mid to late 30’s?

A close friend of mine has twin girls; she just has a new baby last week. So she now has three kids under three! Here husband went to work on Monday and didn’t come home. She tracked him down to his mothers, and he stated he has not been happy for a while and does not want to be married anymore. Ugh! They are both in their mid thirties.

Two years ago a friend of mine who was in her thirties had the same thing happen to her. Luckily there were no kids involved in this case. (She has since re-married to her soul mate, so this one had a good ending).

Both of these couples were really successful. Good jobs. Nice brand new homes. The men were helpful, nice, supposedly one of the good guys. Yet the men decided they “just didn’t want to be married anymore”. Is this a trend? Do men, or maybe it is just married men, hit 35 and wonder why they aren’t single?

[33girl]

When did they get married? Early 20's is too young for a lot of people...when I think that I used to say I would get married at 25, I shudder.

[texas*princess]

That's so terrible

[Kristin AGD]

Originally posted by 33girl
When did they get married? Early 20's is too young for a lot of people...when I think that I used to say I would get married at 25, I shudder.

I think the first couple got married in their late twenties. And the second couple in their mid to late twenties. So they were traditional couples that you would assume would work out. They had all had time to sew their oats.

What is also weird is that these guys were the type you would classify as "nice guys". The first guy helped out with the kids, changed diapers, spoiled his wife. (she bought a new car every year almost). The second guy also down to earth & nice.

These are couples I envied. I have never been married, so I am not a subject matter expert. But they had the type of marriage that I would have wanted. Then it goes wrong. Scary.

[texas*princess]

Originally posted by Kristin AGD
But they had the type of marriage that I would have wanted. Then it goes wrong. Scary.

Maybe they were just happy when others were around and had some problems when it was just them together?

Excuse my language, but this scares the hell out of me.

I'm newly engaged, and my fiance and are are secure in the knowledge that we want to be together, for life.

But then again, we just saw a close couple-friend of ours break off their engagement, seemingly overnight. One day they were planning their wedding, the next day she left him. They, as far as anyone could tell, had a great relationship. I'm good friends with him, and he said he never in a million years saw it coming.

I think about my fiance, and how I'm really the first serious relationship he's ever had. We've both dated around... but I've had other serious relationships... he hasn't.

I'm totally scared that someday in 10 years, he's going to decide, hm, this sucks.

He swears it never will (we've talked about it a lot)... but I'm sure these men never thought they would feel that way either.

this is what happens when you don't get enough sleep... you fret over things that are totally unrelated to you!

[Kristin AGD]

Didn't mean to scare you Ginger!

I still believe in love and in happily ever after. I am an incurable romantic. Good luck on your engagement. I really don't think this is the majority of men.

I was actually hoping to get some guy perspective to on this subject also. I just find it weid now that I am 30 I have had two friends go through this. What I want to know is if all guys go through this, but only a few wimpy ones act on it?

[DeltAlum]

Originally posted by Kristin AGD
The first guy helped out with the kids, changed diapers, spoiled his wife. (she bought a new car every year almost).

In this particular case -- and to some extent probably many others -- this family's lifestyle might be a culprit. Even though they were "both successful," spending this kind of money can be a huge strain on a family. Add children (and the associated costs) and the strain increases. Having a set of twins probably realy more that double the stress.

Of course, the problems aren't entirely financial, but money does affect just about every part of your life in one way or another. And our society does tend to be very material.

Children tie you down. The are a constant demand on your time, attention and wallet. To some people, they aren't worth it, I guess.

Another thing that must be considered is why these two people decided to leave. It might be entirely their problem, and it might not. Without being a part of the particular family, it's impossible to know how much stress the partner adds to the ralationship.

Have you noticed that I haven't mentioned gender? That's because women leave relationships and families as well. I have several male friends who are raising their children after their wives left. I will grant that probably more men than women choose this route, but it isn't exclusive.

Finally, as in any social interaction, couples put on their best face in public and with their friends. There is no real way of knowing what the relationship is really like when alone in the family.

We have no way to judge these families. We don't live with them. My perspective comes after having been married for thirty-three years and raising three children while being the sole source of income for a large part of that time.

It can be grueling. While breaking up the family should be the absolute last resort, I can certainly understand why some men and some women choose "the easy way out."

It's always sad.

Edited to add:

These days, if your marriage survives, you are probably in a minority. Sad, but the last I heard only around half of all marriages last. We married fairly young, (21 and 20) so I reject the idea that age has to be a factor. When we got married, though, two other "perfect" couples and we were married within a month -- all shortly after the wife's college graduation. Of the three couples, only we remain married. One of the other couples had children, the other didn't.

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by DeltAlum
Sad, but the last I heard only around half of all marriages last.

Not to be totally nitpicky (and I will get back to the subject at hand), but there are numerous studies (had to read them in gender studies classes, would totally go and get them, but they are in storage) done on both sides of the pro- or anti-marriage arguments that blow the myth of the 50% divorce rate to shreds. Basically, it comes down to the misreading of statistics; it was merely an approximation of how things MIGHT become if the divorce rate grew at the same rate as it did in the late 60s and early 70s.

This, however, concerns me more:

Originally posted by Kristin AGD
A close friend of mine has twin girls; she just has a new baby last week. So she now has three kids under three!

Ack, I can only begin to imagine the insane stress that something like that can cause. I can imagine that it could drive someone into something like an early midlife crisis--if he was the family's sole provider, having three tiny mouths to feed (all under three!) was certainly overwhelming. I mean, one of my grandmothers had 13 kids, and at no time did she have three toddlers or babies running around at the same time. That could put insane stress on the strongest of marriages. Think about it--three years ago, it was just them. They could essentially do anything they wanted, whenever. In a relatively short amount of time, their lives and economic situation changed drastically. Now, they won't have the old freedom for at least 18 years--if at all. Just thinking about that scares me!

[texas*princess]

I definately think Delt Alum made great points!

[DeltAlum]

Originally posted by Munchkin03
it was merely an approximation of how things MIGHT become if the divorce rate grew at the same rate as it did in the late 60s and early 70s.

Interesting. Of course, if you look at my very small, very unscientific survey from the early 70's (see above) the divorce rate between our three couples was 66 2/3%

Between my two daughters who married in the late 90's/early 00's, one is divorced and one isn't. 50% divorce rate.

Of course, if you look at my wife's family, there's only one divorce out of four marriages. 25%.

Looking at my family, the success rate is 100%. I'm an only child.

Of course my mom and dad were divorced.

In the new adult community we just moved to, it seems like we're the only couple that hasn't been divorced at least once. Probably 90%.

So, if you forget the previous sentence which is a SWAG (swingin' wild ass guess), out of the ten identified marriages (including my parents) there were five divorces. 50%.

What does that prove? Beats me. Except that statistics can be confusing.

[Kristin AGD]

Originally posted by Munchkin03
if he was the family's sole provider, having three tiny mouths to feed (all under three!) was certainly overwhelming.

To answer that, he makes more than she does. But she works, has a great salary, and provides medical benefits for the family. And they already have two baby girls. I really want to know why he wanted a third child nine months ago, and now has no interest in being married.
And no, it was not an accident, I work with this friend. She gave me updates every day. They were trying for a another, and hoping to get their boy to round out their family.

I don't think this is totally related to having a family. Like I said I have another friend that this happened to, and they had no kids. Maybe it has to do with freedom, being stuck with one woman, maybe that is harder to accept for men in their mid-late thirties?

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by DeltAlum
What does that prove?

Nothing. I just hate it when that bon mot is thrown around carelessly.

I can do the same thing with my parents, both sets of grandparents (including my paternal grandmother who got remarried after my grandfather died), my partner's parents, both sets of his grandparents (including his maternal grandfather who got remarried after his wife died), and my siblings--the marriages which would probably impact MY marriage the most--and I get 100%.

[DeltAlum]

Originally posted by Kristin AGD
They were trying for a another, and hoping to get their boy to round out their family.

Maybe it has to do with freedom, being stuck with one woman, maybe that is harder to accept for men in their mid-late thirties?

Oh, Kristin (my divorced daughter's name, BTW), I think you're either looking for much too easy of an answer -- or are looking for something wrong in these two men because their wives are your friends. You may be only getting their side of the story. Understandable.

Nothing in life is that simple though, I'm afraid.

Although I would never ask her, my very strong suspision is that, although the divorce was reasonably amicable, it was our daughter who walked away. Nothing sinister, it (and he) just wasn't what she expected.

In any event, it isn't fair to assume fault in the situations with your friends unless you lived with them and are absolutley sure.

I also think it is almost always a mistake to have a third child in order to "round out" a family. There's a 50/50 chance there (I think we can agree that pretty accurate) of a big disappointment if that's the reason for "trying again." That can be a huge stress as well.

[sigmagrrl]

People give up on marriage too, TOO easily these days. It used to be that a nice piece of dick/pu$$y comes along, *poof* they're gone. But that's not the only threat anymore. People are starting relationships online, are not willing or opting to go to couples counseling, suffering in silence due to a lack of communication, focusing on material fulfillment instead of emotional fulfillment, thinking of marriage as one long date, hoping that one person will fulfill all of your "missing" elements, thinking the relationship is over if the lust diminishes, etc....

I'm not an expert, but since my father passed away, my mother has told me so much about their marriage that has blown my mind, and taught me a lot. You have to work for your marriage, I mean REALLY work for it. You have to sacrifice, compromise, challenge, and tire. You have to listen, talk, be willing to be wrong, and share the blame.

"Love is meant for the brave". I love that quote because it's true. You can't wimp out or be afraid to face things about yourself and/or your partner if you want a true bond to develop and last...


One more thing: you NEED to talk about your marriage expectations BEFORE walking down the aisle. People get so wrapped up in "the big day", they forget about the fact they have to live with that person for the next 60 years!