Scootch over Stalin & Hitler, here comes lifesaver..

[lifesaver]

I didn’t know I was pure evil. Though somebody wouldda pointed that out to me by now.

I get this email yesterday and I need ya’ll advice on how to respond. I am thinking of just letting it go. First, some background: I am a transfer to the chapter here. I was a newly initiated member when I transferred. I got to my new chapter and really liked it. I busted my ass for a year as a member and the then leaders of the chapter were really apathetic. Membership had dropped from 50 to 14, drug usage was rampant, grades were in the trashcan, we lost the house, standards disappeared and there were members showing up to ritual stoned and would bring beer to it. The chapter was well on its way to being closed.

A core group of brothers decided to do what we could to keep the chapter open. We ran for the leadership positions and won. The kid who sent me the letter abbreviated below was also running for a leadership position. He was a part of the old guard. I guess he felt he was owed the position. Well, he was running for president and let me know that he had dropped all of his classes so he wouldn’t be on probation as president. You cant run for president if you are not enrolled. I brought that point up and he was removed from the ballot. The core group won and the direction of the chapter changed. The undergrads are now 60 strong and will sign 25 this fall (as they usually do). Their grades have improved drastically, sororities will mix with them, they are involved in the many student orgs on campus, have the student govmt presidency, homecoming king, and have a great working relationship with the administration. I am not saying that my core group was responsible of the transformation of the chapter, but I definitely think history speaks for itself, with regards to the chapter.

I am sorry he feels he was hurt by what happened. It wasn’t personal. We all did what we thought was best for the success of a dying chapter. Of course if I could go back, I would do things differently, but would still advocate for the changes that were necessary for the chapters survival. I hold on to my convictions, and stand by them. I only see this brother once every 6 months or so. We were never close friends. Hes not a member of the alum assn. And this crap happened in 1995. My point is that I had let it go, because it was so long ago, but he obviously cares, and I, for the most part, stand by what I did.

Don’t you find it all pretty passive aggressive tho? Why not call a MF up and BE A MAN, say, “Whats up? We need to talk. You, me, a beer, Hooters, 8pm.” That’s some shit I respect. And this crap, “I dont expect a response?” Chicken Shit way of doing business. I understood a long time ago that not everyone on this planet is gonna like me. Just the way shit goes down. But to me, this whole issue boils down to the following: If my group hadn’t done what we did there’s a distinct possibility that the chapter could have been closed. Because of what we did, 200 additional men have had the opportunity to become brothers of this chapter. I think a few peeps not liking each other is part of the cost of doing business. I have always come from a school of thought that said there is no one more important than the whole. The success of the org is and was paramount in my eyes. If a few mf hate me for what I did, I'll accept their hate becasue it kept tha chapter OPEN.

What do ya’ll think? I should ignore? Respond and apologize but explain why we did what we did or tell him that I’d do it all over again? What would the responsible adult do?

His note below:

lifesaver,
I've got a long overdue issue with you. This is more for me to let go than for you to hear (or rather read).

When I convinced you to become a poli sci major, I also inadvertently introduced you to the politics. Granted you were headed that way anyway. The day that you found a home in politics was the day that I began to despise everything you stood for. Every word that came from your mouth was poisonous and filled with lies. Everyone knew this and yet many liked you and believed you to some degree. This made me resent you more as you hurt a large number of my friends; people I cared about. I prayed that you would turn on me to give me enough reason to beat the living shit out of you. That day never directly came. You single handedly divided and conquered the fraternity using political technique. I saw something that I trully enjoyed turn to shitty cliques because of you. Bill and Steve were two of my best friends, but I encouraged them to move on from the fraternity for the sake of the fraternity rather than let you continue to play everyone against each other. Then, I set in motion a plan to have you expelled from the fraternity. I ran for President. Knowing that my grades were mediocre, I withdrew from school the day of elections to insure that I was not on academic probation. In other words, I paid a lot to be president. I prepared for it fully and was pretty much guaranteed the spot from what individuals told me.

The day of the election, I made one fatal error. I mentioned that I gave up a semester to become president. You quickly went to the advisor to have him disqualify me. Had you been the person who directly told me that, I would have started swinging. However, it was the advisor and I was in shock that the guy I most respected used the cheap power play. It was that day that I separated myself from the fraternity. You are the one and only reason I decided to have nothing to do with the chapter. Had you left it, I probably would have returned. I had that much hate for you.

Until this week, I was not willing to let go of that anger for what you did...for hurting my friends, for hurting the chapter, for being pure evil. I don't know if you still treat people like shit, abuse them and sling mud without regard. I'm going to hope that you have no need to do that anymore. And I'm going to take a leap of faith and forgive you.

Realize there are more brothers out there that felt the way that I do …. I will now consider this a dead topic and do not expect a response from you.

Your brother,
Alex

(Names have been changed to protect the grudge holders)

[bethany1982]

What outcome are you looking for? Defending your position or establishing yourself as a leader? If this is "brother" drops it as he says, I would drop it. Keep the e-mail just in case. I doubt that he actually drops it. I'd wait until he tried to cause trouble, then I'd have someone break his legs. Did I say that... You are the leader, take the high road and drop it.

[bgsugirlie]

I wouldn't say anything to him. I think it stems down to jealousy and to be honest, I think it's pathetic that he is still hung up on this all these years later...I don't think people like that ever really get over that stuff, and nothing you say is going to make him see your position. I would be the bigger person, let it go, and I wouldn't even honor a letter like that with a response. The important thing is that YOU know why you did what you did, and the people who matter know why YOU did what you did...and because of that, your chapter turned around and a lot of people who wouldn't have been able to be a part of that brotherhood with him as president got to experience something great.

Congrats for all your hard work and turning your chapter around. That's admirable

[James]

I have a couple different random replies. And I am keeping in mind that you were new to power positions then.

1. You won. You beat him. Bully for you lol.

2. It seems that the fraternity much improved during and after your tenure. Thats a good thing.

However, if you used tactics of character assassination, then yeah, he is probably right, a lot of people probably do hate you or resent you, and rightfully.

Character assassination is just basically talking shit about people, often behind their backs. The result is usually that it changes the minds of people, or poisons them against someone or something.

The classic analogy, and forgive me ladies, is a circle of girls friends. In the circle, one of the girls with a strong personality develops a dislike for one of the group. So she starts really bashing the girl when she isn't around and slowly turning the group against her. One day the girl will wake up and find herself not welcome. Because even the girls that don't believe it, usually won't stand up for the girl being ostracisized because they don't want to be victimized.

What he seems to be saying, is that the perception of you (by him) back then, was that you were les likely to directly confront people with issues. You avoided confrontation

You were more likely to "talk" about people and issues indirectly. Speaking badly about the people in such a way as to cause others to think badly about them also. In other words talking shit lol. That is qunitessential politics. You especially see Beta males doing it.

Its a successful method, it just destroys a lot of the culture of an organization.

So if you did this through youth and inexperience he has some valid points.

If you did it through straight malice, then you shouldn't care.

And if you didn't use that method at all don't worry about it.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

"Alex" really needs to get over this. It happened in 1995. You guys were what 19, 20, 21? If it happened last week or even last year, I would understand his anger, but 8 years ago. You can't please all of the people all of the time. You have to be true to yourself and your values. You were a young man who tried to resolve the problems of your fraternity as best as you can and were successful. BTW, "Alex" couldn't be president if he wasn't enrolled in school.

Ignore the e-mail.

[navane]

Well, I must say that I find it interesting that this person has contacted you about this after so many years. Clearly, this issue must have deeply affected his memories and experiences of college and his time with the chapter.

In a way, I'm wondering why he has such deep issues with this. It's as if he used this particular situation as a scapegoat for other problems he had/has in his life.

However, that's not what's in front of you right now. What's in front of you is one of your *brothers* telling you he has or "had" a very serious problem with you as person.

So, you ask, what is the adult thing to do? I say, reply to his message in the most mature, polite and brotherly manner possible. He's expecting you to not reply, thus you need to reply to prove that wrong. Why? I think it would be better to show that you're man enough and care enough to reply. Plus, if this somehow gets out of hand (the news of this drama breaks out to others), you can prove that you "tried your best" to make things right with him.

You don't have to say much, just a paragraph along the lines of:

"I'm sorry that you feel this way and that these feelings have remained with you for so long. I did what I felt was in the best interest of the chapter at the time. I still stand by my convictions; though, looking back, I might have done things differently.

At the end of the day, we're brothers. I extend my goodwill to you."

You know, something like that.

Then, I set in motion a plan to have you expelled from the fraternity. I ran for President.

Ok, off topic slightly, but what's that about?! It sounds to me as if he's saying that his purpose for running for President was not to further the noble ideals of the fraternity, but rather to have enough power to have you expelled. Eh?????? I'm sorry, but it sounds like it was in the best interest of everyone that this guy wasn't made President.

Best of luck to you. I hope you will be able to make a decision that you feel good about.

.....Kelly

[FuzzieAlum]

This guy cracks me up! He "paid" to be president? Someone needs to explain to him how elections work. And he didn't think that someone would notice sooner or later he wasn't taking any classes? Even if he had been elected, he would have been removed from office.

I can understand in a way that he felt unhappy for a time. I mean, no one enjoys losing an election under any circumstances - but the time is long past for getting over it. And despite what he says, I don't believe he is. He put it all behind him, so he needs to tell you how hate-filled he was? BS. He hasn't forgiven you or put it behind him or he wouldn't mention it at all.

I wouldn't respond, personally. Anyone carrying a grudge for that long for something so minor has a screw loose. Responding to him would be like teasing a stressed postal employee.

[33girl]

First off lifesaver, mega big props to you for using the word "scootch."

It's funny, I was just thinking about something similar to this the other day. The summer after my sophomore year in college was the summer from hell - multiple family deaths, job I didn't really like, other problems. While I had all this shit on my mind, out of the blue, I wrote a letter to an old friend. We had been close friends in 7th & 8th grade and she moved away halfway through 8th. I found out at the end of 8th that she came back to visit and never called me, never contacted me, anything. I was extremely, extremely hurt. So I wrote her a letter 7 years later and told her so. She wrote back and apologized, we wrote one more time and that was that. Point I'm trying to make is I wasn't carrying this around to the point that it interfered with my life - I was just cleaning out my closet (thank you Eminem) and letting her know my feelings was one of the things I had to do. It sounds like Alex is in a similar state (although way more vindictive).

Kelly's paragraph is excellent - something like that.

[CutiePie2000]

Lifesaver,
This guy has his priorities wrong. He should have been worried about his college education first and if he withdrew from school so that he could funnel all his energy into the fraternity, then his priorities are so messed up.

You behaved in a way that was mature and helped to ensure your chapter's future, when it was clearly on a downward. Good for you!

Just think of what you could do as CEO of a trouble company?

I probably would not respond.

[James]

But what if Lifesaver really was out of line? And he really did use questionable methods to get elected? Does the fact that he is our friend outweigh that lol?

If the anti-christ posted on GC and we liked him would that make him suddenly cool lol ?

[xok85xo]

okay..maybe i'm just really confused, but aren't you an alum?

[Peaches-n-Cream]

Originally posted by James
But what if Lifesaver really was out of line? And he really did use questionable methods to get elected? Does the fact that he is our friend outweigh that lol?

If the anti-christ posted on GC and we liked him would that make him suddenly cool lol ?

Even if lifesaver was wrong, he was a very young adult. Lifesaver did what he had to do to save his fraternity and is being called on it eight years later. The result is that his chapter has grown and continued for all of these years. Maybe he used questionable methods or engaged in character assassination. If that is the case, only lifesaver knows for sure. I doubt that he is the anti-Christ, lol!

Lifesaver, I just find it weird that this brother would this e-mail so many years later. Maybe you should respond as Kelly suggested. Extend an olive branch and an offer of friendship and brotherhood. It might make him feel better, and it will make you the bigger man.

[Optimist Prime]

i will respond with a PM to you