In Need of Help/Advice/Whatever

[AlphaGamGirlAY]

I'm starting to feel like I'm in hell or something pretty damn close. My big sis and I have bonded a lot since the beginning of my pledging period when my pledge class got our bigs. She was gone a lot then and wasn't around much, and my grand-big was pretty much like "big sis". It seemed like my big had forgotten how to "play", she was all work and study, no real fun. Then my big started taking the time to chill with me without homework involved and we really bonded well. And despite our bond, she still doesn't understand my personality like some of the others do. I will just buy random gifts for random people...no one has made a fuss about me giving them stuff, except for my big. The most obvious thing about my personality, I think, is that I have a big heart (often "worn on my sleeve"). My big just questions every gift I give her. And it sometimes seems like she doesn't want me around, like I'm more of an invasion of her space rather than a lil sis who actually loves her big like a real sister because she's never had a big sis before. I just can't give a random hug to my big b/c she doesn't get it...she just says like "don't lean on me" or whatever. My grand-big doesn't seem to care that I may give her a hug for no reason or even rest my head on her shoulder, which is like a half hug, but my big has made me feel like an invader. My grand-big understands much of my personality, save for one little aspect that's now wedged itself between us...the first people I go to are those I'm closest too, which means I'll call them first. She once commented about always "hearing me on the line or hte answering machine". Now I feel like I can't call her or go to her no matter what...it could be good news or I could be upset and it's like I've lost the person who understood me the most. I just feel like I'm poison to my family tree...like I ruin everything!