Reading material

[AOX81]

The following are columns written by one of my friends...

In an age where we’re on the brink of making hydrogen powered cars affordable and available to the public, an age where computers are capable of four gigahertz of processing power, an age where sports cars can make 405 horsepower with a pushrod engine and get 28 miles to a gallon of gasoline on the highway, I’m convinced that as a society, we’ve never been dumber. You wouldn’t think so. You’d think that, as time has passed, overall carnal knowledge would have increased as exponentially as our technical and scientific capabilities. Well, guess what? You’d be wrong. Here’s why: people are more gullible today than they’ve ever been in all the years of there being people.
If, in 1955, you put an advertisement on television, selling a pill that was guaranteed to make you lose 15 pounds in two days, people would laugh uproariously. They would be so dubious as to its potential that you would go out of business in less than six months. Fast-forward 48 years to 2003. Now all you have to do is say that the pills have been used for over 30 years in Europe and that they’re doctor recommended, and you’ll be selling 30 cases an hour for the low, low price of $49.95 plus shipping and handling. Plus, if they call right now, you can even throw in some worthless kitchen gadget that The Sharper Image wouldn’t even touch. “It slices, it dices, it chops, it minces, it covers embarrassing bald spots and it even reminds to you take your diet pills! It’s the new Veggie-Shooter from Cunt-Co!” You get the idea.
The “European Secret” method also works with creams, lotions, and anything else chicks could buy at Bath & Body works. Why? Because chicks are vain and they’re gullible. They want to believe that a cream can remove fat from their thighs faster than them putting down the chips, getting off the couch and going for a fucking walk. Want to know the truth about those creams? They contain the same drugs used to dilate bronchial passages in people who suffer from asthma. For whatever reason, when rubbed on your skin, they just tell the body to put the fat somewhere else. So, while your woman is out dropping your hard-earned dollars on these creams to make her ass look less like cottage cheese and more like two fine hams, be prepared to be kissing an extra chin good night. Again, people are stupid.
My personal favorite advertising scheme that people fall for is the NASA method. This works with everything from sunglasses to mattresses. I saw an advertisement today for “the only mattress officially recognized by NASA.” Wow. When you press your hand on it, and then remove it, your handprint stays there for a second and half. Some genius made a mattress out of foam. Fucking foam, you idiots! And what the fuck does NASA do with foam mattresses? Astronauts sleep in sleeping bags that are strapped into harnesses because there’s no fucking gravity in outer space. But you could sell a chest freezer to an Eskimo by saying that it was made with technology pioneered by NASA on the Apollo missions. “Jim Lovell’s sunglasses were made from this material and it has only recently become available to the buying public. Act now and we’ll throw in amber lenses for night driving, safety-coated clear lenses to block UV rays on cloudy days, and deep tinted lenses for that ‘ultra-cool’ look. But that’s not all; we’ll also throw in a clip for your sun visor, two carrying cases and a shiny black dildo with no lube to stick in your ass once you’re on all of our mailing lists! All for the low, low price of two payments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling. Don’t like the sunglasses? Well you can return them, no questions asked and keep the free black dildo!”
In the end, there will always be stupid people. People will always buy Japanese garbage over safe, high quality, fuel efficient, powerful American cars. People will always buy worthless shit from the Home Shopping Network (my neighbor is a big-time customer, she’s even been on the air over the phone talking about how much she loves their crap). And worst of all, people will always buy stuff because it’s been a European secret or because NASA supposedly endorses it. How can we protect ourselves? Keep your woman away from your money. Most of them don’t know a diet pill from a birth control pill and almost all of them are too lazy to actually get off their asses and workout; they’d rather wait for some miracle pill to save them from cottage cheese come bathing suit season.