Love or In-Love, WTF?

James · #1 01-07-2003, 10:16 PM

Ok something girls will say. They will tell a guy, usually when they are breaking up or whatever, that they love him, but aren't in love with him.

Does that really mean anything for real? What does that mean? Or is that just girl-prattle?

Have you ever thought that? Or know someone? Why?

Because guys don't say stuff like that. We either like/love you, or we don't like/love you. Unless we are a girly guy lol. A beta male.

FAB*SpiceySpice · #2 01-07-2003, 10:32 PM

I definately think there is a difference between being "in love" with someone and just loving them. You can love a lot of people and a lot of things, but I think when you're in love with someone, they're your world and you'd do whatever you have to, to be with them. I dunno, it's hard to explain, but I don't think it's just some lame excuse girls use to get out of a relationship. At least I don't use it like that....

valkyrie · #3 01-07-2003, 10:47 PM

I think there's a difference between being "in love" with someone and loving someone. I love my friends, but I'm not in love with them, and I think of it kind of like that. What it boils down to, in my opinion, is sexual attraction. If the sexual attraction goes away, I'm not "in love" any more. I might still love the person, but something's missing -- it's not that hot, steamy, "in love" feeling that we all want. You know?

gphi2k2 · #4 01-07-2003, 11:16 PM

Do you (not james necessarily but anyone) think that you can truly be 'in-love' with someone who is not 'in-love' with you?
See, I think the difference between love and in-love is that being in-love is a state of reciprocation. You and someone are 'in-love' with one another.

There is a definate difference between love and in-love tho, and those diffs are pretty much what the other girls explained. Love is a feeling. In-love is a state of being.
Not quite sure why I'm sounding so philosophical about this. It really is a hard thing to explain...

KappaTarzan · #5 01-08-2003, 12:31 AM

i think teh difference is just how deep the feeling is..i love my friends..i have only been in love once with a boy who i still love (but am not in love with anymore

)

SATX*APhi · #6 01-08-2003, 02:44 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by gphi2k2
Do you (not james necessarily but anyone) think that you can truly be 'in-love' with someone who is not 'in-love' with you?
See, I think the difference between love and in-love is that

Of course. There was a point where I was still in love with my ex-boyfriend, although he only loved me and was not in-love with me. It's possible.

Peaches-n-Cream · #7 01-08-2003, 04:00 AM

I think that when feelings of attraction and romance subside, but respect and admiration remain, a woman will say, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Feelings of attraction diminish in any romantic relationship. Most women realize and accept this by the time that they reach their mid-twenties if not earlier.

justamom · #8 01-08-2003, 07:42 AM

I would have to agree with all the posts!
I have loved and been loved without being IN love.
Sometimes, the chemistry just isn't there for one or both. If that person has come to mean a lot to you through shared experiences or personal growth, why couldn't you love them, yet not feel the sexual attraction that "in-love" would require?

You can be attracted to a person you don't love.
You can love a person you're not attracted to.

KSig RC · #9 01-08-2003, 09:30 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by justamom
I would have to agree with all the posts!
I have loved and been loved without being IN love.
Sometimes, the chemistry just isn't there for one or both. If that person has come to mean a lot to you through shared experiences or personal growth, why couldn't you love them, yet not feel the sexual attraction that "in-love" would require?

You can be attracted to a person you don't love.
You can love a person you're not attracted to.

For the first time in history (IGNORE DEATH PENALTY THREADS), I'm going to disagree w/ JAM . . .

James, it's fucking prattle, and you know it (or you wouldn't ask the question)

Realistically, the term "love" is abhorrently subjective, and if the "love card" is played in a scenario where it has no real relevance ("I love you but I'M NOT IN LOVE!!HARHARHAR"), it's a cop-out and is being used as double-speak to make the guy feel better.

You can love your friends, as some have said - but I would (and will) argue that this type of love is 180 degrees left of center from "LOVE!!!" in the traditional sense. You can "love" your parents and your friends, but anyone who thinks you easily scale back from LOVING (sic) your boyfriend to loving (sic again) your boyfriend is probably working the situation to her advantage.

Look, love is just like any other subjective term - definition is the hardest part, and as such it will be abused by the definer to his/her best advantage. Hell, I've done it, and I very well know that 70% of you all have too - but you DO NOT mean the same thing when you say "I love my friends!" and "I'm in LOVE!!!!"

JAM makes a great point . . . but the two scenarios you mentioned don't deserve the same moniker. Being attracted to someone you don't love, and loving someone you're not attracted to . . . we need a new term for it.

ilovemyglo · #10 01-08-2003, 10:06 AM

James-
I love you, but I am not in love with you, because currently I am in my office.
Sorry!

KSigkid · #11 01-08-2003, 10:19 AM

Whether there's a difference or not, who the hell am I to tell...I've never distinguished between the two.

In my experience though, the differentiation is a cop-out, straight-up. It's a kinda new-wave way of saying "You're a great person, but I don't want to date/have a relationship/go farther in a relationship" with you. It just sounds better, and, seemingly lets the other person down easier (which we all know it doesn't). The person walks away feeling like "Well, she does love me, just not enough to be with me," and feels like they get a partial victory or something.

xo_kathy · #12 01-08-2003, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
Ok something girls will say. They will tell a guy, usually when they are breaking up or whatever, that they love him, but aren't in love with him.

Does that really mean anything for real? What does that mean? Or is that just girl-prattle?

Have you ever thought that? Or know someone? Why?

Because guys don't say stuff like that. We either like/love you, or we don't like/love you. Unless we are a girly guy lol. A beta male.

James, men DO say this! It's the lame ass excuse my boyfriend in college used to break up with me! Notice I did say it was an excuse. Like KSigkid said, it's a nicer way to say I don't want to continue this. My boyfriend didn't want to be tied down by a girlfriend at all, it really had nothing to do with me, but he thought he would sound horribly mean and like a "typical guy" so he played the 'love but not in love' card. It made me feel a lot worse than if he had just said wheat he really felt!!!

valkyrie · #13 01-08-2003, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cream
Feelings of attraction diminish in any romantic relationship. Most women realize and accept this by the time that they reach their mid-twenties if not earlier.

I don't know -- I'm older than my mid-twenties and I *don't* accept diminished feelings of attraction in a relationship. Maybe I'm weird, but to me, attraction is very important.

sigmagrrl · #14 01-08-2003, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie

I don't know -- I'm older than my mid-twenties and I *don't* accept diminished feelings of attraction in a relationship. Maybe I'm weird, but to me, attraction is very important.

You are correct. I don't want to put words into anyone's "mouth", but I think what Cream may be referring to is the diminshed feelings of euphoria. THESE do diminish, it's only natural. What it should be replaced with is a deep, deep longing for a continued connection with your partner, on virtually every level (physically, emotionally, etc).

Speaking from observing others, many people freak out when that lust goes away. But it's not a bad thing, it's just different. I have never experienced a relationship that outlasted the lust phase, but I watched my parents for almost 35 years, and they still craved each other....I want that...

James · #15 01-08-2003, 10:36 PM

I would only say that to be either sly ( a little maliscious), or as you say, to let the person down easily. Scratch that. I would say that to avoid "the scene" with the girl.

Kind of like saying its not the other person during a break out, its us LOL.

I would never THINK it. I don't know any guys that would really except the aforementioned girly guys.

Are you saying that not only girls ay this stuff, but they actually believe it and think it? I love you but am not in-love with you?

Quote:

Originally posted by xo_kathy

James, men DO say this! It's the lame ass excuse my boyfriend in college used to break up with me! Notice I did say it was an excuse. Like KSigkid said, it's a nicer way to say I don't want to continue this. My boyfriend didn't want to be tied down by a girlfriend at all, it really had nothing to do with me, but he thought he would sound horribly mean and like a "typical guy" so he played the 'love but not in love' card. It made me feel a lot worse than if he had just said wheat he really felt!!!