Anyone else feel like they need to make their parents proud?

AlphaSigLana · #1 12-12-2002, 12:59 AM

My parents didn't go to college and my mom didn't graduate from high school. My whole life I was told how important school was and that my brother and i were going to graduate no matter what. We both did. I am a junior in college, but have never gotten a 3.0, the last time was as a freshman in high school. I love learning, but i don't do well on papers or exams. I don't even think grad. school is an option. I am so scared to write a resume and find a career because i don't think i will be good enough at a career. If things are too hard i like others to help me. anyway my brother is 2 yrs younger and his gf has been living with my family for almost a yr bc her family is a Jerry Springer episode. She has a son who calls my brother daddy and I consider him a nephew and love him dearly. Well they are getting married next week. She is also pregnant now with my brother's baby. The marriage has been planned longer than she has been pregnant. anyway my brother never went to college and didn't get a good GP. I am so worried he is going to screw up his life and make his kids resentful. I was resentful as a teenager bc i saw other kids who got whatever they wanted and I didn't. Anyway I feel like I need to make my parents proud. It is so hard.

justamom · #2 12-12-2002, 07:54 AM

BrownEyedGirl-That was really a great post. Sleep deprived or not, you said a proverbial mouthful!

AlphaSigLana-The world is not so different now than it was in the past. Yes, a degree has become a necessity, almost equivalent to a HS diploma. Yet NOTHING can give a person an edge in life like a blend of the basic characteristics of confidence, assertiveness and good old fashioned honesty. Add to the mix "knowledge" and stick-to-itiveness and you have the makings for success.

Sure, parents bring home their babies and dream of them being a doctor, lawyer, dancer, sports star...mostly things they envisioned for themselves. As their child's personality-potential and limitations-unfolds, MOST parents' dreams turn to their child's happiness. We want our kids to be HAPPY. That's TRUE success.

"Making your parents proud" has been a great catalyst for many successful people, but sometimes it can be like putting the cart before the horse. If you can find your own success and be proud of yourself, then your parents will be proud as well. (Noted, there will always be those parents who are NEVER satisfied)

As far as your brother... His road will be far more difficult, but not impossible. It all boils down his character. Too often people ASSume a family that doesn't make a lot of money or finds satisfaction in a "simpler" life MUST be unhappy. THIS IS NOT TRUE! Are we to believe that any man who fixes a car, or lady at the checkout or a waitress could not possibly be as happy as someone with a fatter wallet??? Some of the most desperately sad people I know spend more money in one month than I do in a year.

MoxieGrrl · #3 12-12-2002, 11:40 AM

Lana-Whether you realize it or not, you are making your parents proud! You are in college and doing a wonderful job. As said earlier, a GPA is not indicative of your abilities and intelligence.

When you said that you were resentful b/c other kids had things that you didn't when you were younger, that really tapped into what I feel like sometimes too. As we get older, the scenario doesn't change a lot. I'm sure everyone out there knows people like this...On one hand, threre are the people who graduated high school and had a kid while they were there or shortly thereafter, they have an apartment, job of some sort, nice clothes, and a nice car. Then, there are we people.....the college kids who are counting change to buy ramen noodles while doing the "right" thing by going to college and encountering all of the hardships that come with being stressed out, poor, overworked, and under appreciated. But you know what? It's all going to pay off in the end. Have faith in the whole "delayed gratification" deal.

Keep heart, Lana.

Optimist Prime · #4 12-12-2002, 12:20 PM

I feel the same way too sometimes. Mostly about my dad. I need good grades to get into grad school, and that's my part of the deal. His part was to send me to college. Its hard sometimes. I better not get a D in stagecraft, I know that will be some sh**.

Lynzi · #5 12-12-2002, 01:15 PM

I definitly understand the stress...
Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to school for me or for my parents. This usuallly happens near the end of each semester, when the stress is really building up. But now I'm commited...They've paid for two and a half years already, as well as buying me a flute (I'm in music) which is much, much, MUCH more expensive than people realize....it's worth about a year of school. That pretty much ties me down to finish. I'm the youngest of three children, and I'm still going to be the first to finish.
In the end, you have to do what makes you happy. There are times that I want to drop out, but as long as I remember why I chose the program that I did and stay focused on my goals, I'm okay. I think University is one of those things that is really over before you know it. I'm half way through third year....I'm almost done. I don't feel like second year was that long ago!

KillarneyRose · #6 12-12-2002, 02:07 PM

Lana,
As a parent, I can tell you this. If you are a good and decent person who tries her best at everything you attempt, then your parents will be proud of you.

Tracy

FuzzieAlum · #7 12-12-2002, 02:56 PM

Everyone else has given some great advice ... but I tell ya, wanting to please your parents (even more than they really want you to) comes with the territory of being an oldest child. We think our parents' suggestions and dreams are hard-and-fast expectations, even though they aren't.

Even though my beliefs are closer to my mom's in many ways than my younger sister's are, I still feel guilty if I disagree with her, whereas my sister could care less. Not that Mom puts a guilt trip on me in any way - I just think, "Oh, no, she's my mom! What will she think of me!" (Even though my brain knows that unless I announce I'm becoming a serial killer, she will support me and be proud of me.)

I think what you have to do is realize that these pressures are in part self-imposed. Unless your parents are really controlling, they want what makes you happy, not to reach for an impossible standard. Although they probably wished for your brother to go to college, they've accepted him as he is - after all, the girlfriend lives with them. Your parents are tickled pink you are succeeding in college and trust you to pick a good career for yourself. Your brother just doesn't feel your parent's dreams for you with the same sense of obligation you do, and that can be hard to accept ... "How can he let them down?" The secret is, they're not really let down, and they're not going to be let down by you either, whether or not you go to grad school or become a Fortune 500 CEO.

FAB*SpiceySpice · #8 12-12-2002, 03:40 PM

Hon, I totally feel your pain. Both of my parents are doctors, therefore not going to college was NEVER an option in my family. They are professionals and it was just expected of us to do the same. I had no choice in the matter, I just did what was expected because I was too afraid to see what would happen had I done what I really wanted to do. Luckily, I came to school and I love it and found a major I really love. But I am a huge people pleaser, especially when it comes to my parents and sometimes it's really hard to deal with. They have always put all the pressure on me too b/c my brother is a big slacker, but he's smart. So they always tell me "Oh we're glad we have one perfect child" which is nice in a way, that they think of me like that, but a LOT to deal with.

So while I can feel your pain, I don't have much advice, I just kinda suck it up and get through it.

swissmiss04 · #9 12-12-2002, 05:45 PM

Lana-
As you can see, what you're going thru is very common, but nonetheless really tough. I've been in therapy for a while for issues relating to the same problem you've been having. Parents inherently want better for their kids and they see each child as a second chance to fulfill their ambitions (no matter what they'll say, they do!) They view children as an extension of themselves, no less than an arm or a leg, and so their childrens' failure is theirs too, regardless of age. That's why parents wig out when their kids leave home because then they're out there and they will make mistakes. Some parents are well adjusted enough to get over it quickly and painlessly and recognize their kid's "adulthood". But some, especially those who had bad childhoods or huge disappointments, don't. Mine was one of those. I have a full ride to school,I excel in my studies, I work, I don't ask my parents for money, and I generally have a good life. But somehow it's never good enough. They verifiably expect too much out of me. I've found that what you have to do is talk to them, seriously, adult-to-adult. Make sure that your perception of their overexpectations is real and no just imagined. Assure them that you do care what they say and feel, but that you must act in your own interest. Your attitude and character will be your deciding factor in the long run. One day, maybe not anytime soon,something will happen to show them that you indeed aren't so bad after all. It's just waiting for that that's so hard. Focus on yourself and how you feel. That's what's cool about being grown up is that for the first time you can do that. Good luck sweetie!

AlphaSigLana · #10 12-12-2002, 08:19 PM

Thank you for all the kind emails. I really appreciate it. Luckily my parents never pushed me into anything, i always pushed myself more. But I want them to die knowing that they raised a successful kid. But sometmes I feel like I could be a little better. Then other times I look at my senior year book photo and all the activities i was involved in and see pics with no activities listed and tell myself that I have accomplished a lot.

shopgirl · #11 12-12-2002, 10:45 PM

I absolutely feel the need to make my parents proud, especially my father. I love my parents more than anything in the world. More than that, I really like my parents. I always factor in what they will think of whatever decision I am trying to make. Ironically enough, my parents are the most accepting people I know. They don't care what anyone else thinks and they tell me I shouldn't either. They only want me to be happy and will support any decision I make regarding my life. And yet knowing this I still strive to make them proud. I still worry about what they will think if I choose A over B. In some ways it can be a burden. I truly put the weight of the world on my shoulders when it regards my family.

Basically, you are so not alone.
Feel the love, girl!

Tom Earp · #12 12-12-2002, 11:31 PM

ASA Lana,Since I am much more mature than you are, I can give insight from another decade! Well or several!

I was told, work your senior year, get a car and work. Work and go to college!

I was the first one in my distant and only Family that went to college!

R E Lee went to Westpoint and I was the next! Well not Westpoint, but did want to, but college!

I have disappointed my parents many times, but, made them proud at other times!

I had poor parents and paid and worked my way through State Schools!

I still think I am pissed that my younger Brother had help from them to go to the U Ark!

Well, he is still a dick and I am my own sweet self!

What the heck! When You do good, the Parents tell you that you did good! They tell their friends and smile like hell as they are proud of you!

Will they tell you that they are proud of you!?

Well I am -- years old, and never heard my parents tell me that they were proud of me for graduating from college!

But in my heart and theirs, I new they were!

AlphaSigLana · #13 12-13-2002, 03:03 PM

My brother's fiancee lost the baby. They went to the doctor and she said the baby's heart had stopped a week ago.

i guess God wants them to wait before they have a baby bc this is the 2nd time she has miscarried.

MoxieGrrl · #14 12-13-2002, 03:14 PM

Your brother, gf, and family are in my prayers, Lana

AXOLiz · #15 12-13-2002, 04:28 PM

Lana, it definitely sounds like you put more pressure on yourself than your parents put on you. They have to be so proud of all you've accomplished! Considering your brother's situation, your parents sound like caring, open-minded people who would love you and be proud of you no matter what. And it's pretty obvious that, even if you're never gotten a 3.0, you're trying your hardest to do well in life and in a lot of cases, that's more of an accomplishment than a lot of people who can breeze through school with good grades.

And don't worry about a career - any employer you'd want to work for will see what an asset you'd be, period. There are a lot of brilliant people out there who just don't test well. My dad, for example, can understand how anything mechanical works and designs instruments and parts for major auto companies, yet he never even went to college. I graduated with high honors and can't come close to doing what he does naturally. Grades only show how well you can memorize facts in many cases, they don't show your true potential.

As for asking for help when something's too hard - that's nothing to be ashamed of! I think it's awesome that you don't let your pride get in the way of figuring out what you need to do. I know so many people who think they're a failure if they ask for help, but it takes a really mature, secure person to be able to admit there's something they don't understand.

You sound like an incredible person! I wish you'd be as proud of yourself as I know your parents are of you!

A sidenote here: I noticed a lot of people mentioning the pressure first-borns often feel from their parents. I saw something interesting on Malcolm in the Middle, of all places, and I think it totally describes my family.

The oldest child is the one that gets the most crap thrown at him (even though on the show, he's a huge troublemaker). A comment was made about how some parents have kids before they're really ready. They don't understand how a child will change their lives, and they throw the blame on their firstborn. By the time the others come along, they've gotten used to being parents, but the first child was always the source of all of their problems.

Now, the older I get, I'm starting to realize that adults aren't necessarily all mature just because of their age. And while I normally don't believe psychoanalysis that takes place on sitcoms, this is 100% the case with me and my parents. My whole life, they've been whining about how they could've had so much more if they didn't have to pay for me, how anything bad my little sister does she picked up from me, how they've given up sooooo much for me and I'm completely ungrateful because I don't thank them profusely for things like putting me through college, etc. My sister, on the other hand, gets none of this, although they constantly tell her things like how I'm a hypochondriac, how I almost killed her by giving her meningitis (although I never actually had meningitis, but when I told my mom this, she said I purposely gave her the cold that weakened her immune system even though I was 4 at the time), and so on. Add this to all the self esteem issues they gave me by always telling me how much prettier I'd be if I wasn't fat or how I'm way too smart for a guy to ever want anything to do with me, and people wonder why I have issues. Anyhow, has anyone else experienced this type of thing? Do you think there's any truth to what I saw on Malcolm?