hypothetical relationship question

[valkyrie]

Okay, say you're dating someone, and everything is going well. Now say that months into the relationship, you find out that your significant other talks to his (we'll say "his" and "hers" since it's easier) ex at least once a week. Let's also say that he never mentioned this to you until you brought it up because you saw her number on the caller ID? What if you found out that she calls two or three or more times a week?

Would it matter if he told you that he didn't really like her very much and he didn't answer most of the times she called?

Is this shady?

[moe.ron]

as long as there is nothin else goin on, no arm done. though i would dig a to be more opun and onest so i don't ave dis suspicion in da back of my ead.

[Imthechamp]

I think something is goin on.

I had a similiar thing happen with my ex-girlfriend. I didn't really mind when I found out, but then her sister's friends told me they were fuckin.

Oh well. Her loss.

[James]

Its not a good thing. Its definitely not a good thing.

I am not going to say anything physical is going on but you don't need him to be emotionally unavailable because part of his mind is still focused on his ex-girlfriend.

I mean there is nothing mystical about human mental attention. Try to pay attention to two things in the physical world, it means you are paying less attention to both and constantly shifting back and forth.

The same thing goes for our brain. IF he's partially dealing with her thats less time he is dealing with you.

I am sure he is telling you the truth as he believes it. But we lie to ourselves exquisitely well.

Out of literally hundreds of people, I have yet to meet an ex-couple that were "just" friends.

They may not have been hooking up still, but there was a kind of "mental sex".

And we have all seen it in our own friends, one Ex always makes more of an effort to keep in touch, and the other one secretly enjoys the attention (even though they don't admit it). There is always something more, an extra component to their relationship.

I wouldn't destruct my relationship because of this, in fact you have to accept this with his other quirks and not nag him about it.

But at least you know that she comes as part of his package.

[James]

There are other factors to consider also:

How long were they going out?

How long have they been broken up?

When did she start calling him lol?

These things can be kind of important also.

Keep in mind that a lot of people like to keep things on the back burner until something better comes along, so him meeting you may induce him to finally cut the ties.

I know a lot of people that won't break-up until a strong new candidate comes along.

[Kevin]

The only question that really matters is why is this continuing?

There has to be a motive... it can be harmless and plutonic or it could have other motives.. Probably the later. But without some kind of evidence if you value the current relationship you'll at least give the other party a chance to explain themselves without accusing them of anything.

[APhi]

Funny you should mention this. I went through a similar situation last year. Quick version of the story: He and I met in a tech school program we were doing. He was dating her, they broke up around the beginning of November with some 'grey areas.' He swears that the last time they were 'together' was around Thanksgiving. December 1st he threw a graduation party for our class, we hooked up that night and began dating shortly thereafter. At first our relationship was very casual and up and down. We are very likeminded people but from such intensely different backgrounds that we weren't sure this was going to work out. Flash forward six months later... Our relationship had developed immeasurably and against all odds. I then find out via a mysterious birthday present ( a Japanese tea set no less) that he'd still been going out to coffee with her every once and a while. The problem wasn't so much that he was doing this, it was that he'd been hiding it from me. Enter huge tearfull fight, threats of never speaking to him again, etc. After a really brutal couple of weeks I decided to blame it on the shaky beginning and trust that there really wasn't anything going on.
A year and a half later, we're still together, she moved away a long time ago and I haven't had a reason to doubt him since. Occassionally I still wonder if this decision makes me a huge sucker for love who shouldn't have stood for this. Most of the time, it's okay... It really is.
Anyway, only the people involved can analyze the exact circumstances and make a decision accordingly.

[madmax]

Definitely shady especially since it was not brought up until the X's number was spotted on the caller id.

[James]

Why were you scrolling back through his caller ID? You don't live together lol.

Thats a little invasive isn't it?

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by James
Why were you scrolling back through his caller ID? You don't live together lol.

Thats a little invasive isn't it?

Hypothetically, the two people in my story just moved in together and he had just hooked up his phone. She pushed the big button on the phone thinking it was the "talk" button but instead it started showing old caller ID numbers. Curious, she looked at the numbers.

Anyway, it appears that everything is fine. Thanks for the input everyone! It's greatly appreciated.

[James]

Everything is FAR from fine lol! She just thinks it is . . ahh the miracles of infatuation. God I love that feeling

Originally posted by valkyrie


Hypothetically, the two people in my story just moved in together and he had just hooked up his phone. She pushed the big button on the phone thinking it was the "talk" button but instead it started showing old caller ID numbers. Curious, she looked at the numbers.

Anyway, it appears that everything is fine. Thanks for the input everyone! It's greatly appreciated.